H, DS, and I are going on vacation with another family. The place we're going happens to be my hometown where my patents still live. I told my mom about the trip and she expressed she'd like to see us since we'll be 10 minutes from where she loves. Sure. No problem at all. This was about a month ago. Let's have a BBQ?
Fast forward to last night, I was talking to my mom about our upcoming trip and asked what night she wanted to come for a BBQ. She then asked if she was only allowed to come one time? Apparently she had taken a day off of work so she could be with us the whole day as well. I said since we're with another family, we have to consider them too. It's not just my vacation, it's theirs too and a BBQ one night is completely different from multiple days of family visits. Our trip is only 3 nights, 4 days. So not very long. She was very quite after that and got off the phone a few minutes later.
Then I get a Facebook message from her. She's upset saying she doesn't feel loved and we don't appreciate her. It's not like we never see each other, she comes to see us every 6 to 8 weeks. I never wanted to make her upset, but I think she's being unreasonable.
What do you think? Am I being rude? Is she being unreasonable?
It's a vacation, not a visit, but in the interest of keeping the peace I might just let her tag along for one of the four days since she seemed to think that was the plan.
Sounds like miscommunication on both ends. I don't think you're being rude but I don't think she's necessarily unreasonable. I'm sure she's disappointed if she had it in her head that she'd be able to spend a whole day with you guys. That being said, you get the final say about your vacation plans.
Post by pantsparty on May 21, 2014 11:28:17 GMT -5
Team you. You have to consider the other family, and adding your mom is changing the dynamic of what the other family agreed to when you all decided to vacation together.
Eh, I think it's dicey. I definitely see where your mom is coming from. Can she just tag along on your vacationing? Whatever you were doing just have her come with?
I mean I guess. But if your friends parents tagged along on a trip, you'd be a little annoyed right? We're staying at a camping resort/water park. So everything will be outdoorsy stuff. Not up her alley at all.
Post by trafficgirl on May 21, 2014 11:31:14 GMT -5
Did you tell her up front this was a trip with another family? I could see where that may have caused some confusion.
Overall though she's being unreasonable. She should have consulted you before taking a whole day off work. And the trip isn't very long so one day spent with family makes a difference.
Would the other family be open to splitting up for a day so you could spend time with your mom? If you even want to entertain that idea.
Eh, I think it's dicey. I definitely see where your mom is coming from. Can she just tag along on your vacationing? Whatever you were doing just have her come with?
I mean I guess. But if your friends parents tagged along on a trip, you'd be a little annoyed right? We're staying at a camping resort/water park. So everything will be outdoorsy stuff. Not up her alley at all.
Then, no. Your mom is inviting herself into your vacation, doing activities she doesn't even enjoy. Sounds like a recipe for Buzz Killington to be on hand.
If you didn't want to see your family, you shouldn't have chosen where they live.
This is where I'm at. I totally understand both sides too.
My mom lives in Florida. We/I don't take vacations to Florida unless we're/I'm specifically planning to see and spend time with her as a part of the trip.
I never said I didn't want to see my family. I even told her she'd be welcome to stay with us if it were just us but our friends are there too so we have to consider that as a variable . And any time we've discussed this before its always been about having dinner it's never been discussed that she would be spending days with us
She was very quite after that and got off the phone a few minutes later.
Then I get a Facebook message from her. She's upset saying she doesn't feel loved and we don't appreciate her.
Does she use this kind of tone or approach regularly? I know I'm projecting from my own experience (and I no longer speak with my mom). But this kind of behavior/phrasing (plus the fact that she doesn't typically like the activities you have planned) sets off bells for me regarding manipulation and being overly-dramatic. If you deal with and have to appease this kind of behavior regularly, you may need to consider how healthy the relationship is and if there's ways to improve communication/expectations/boundaries.
If it's a rare or first-time thing, then a simple call or maybe visit face-to-face to clear the air and explain things should help; but I would decide how you want your vacation plans to go and stick to that no matter how she likes the answer.
1) I would never vacation in my parent's town, because this is bound to happen. 2) She visits you ever 6-8 wks, but how often do you visit them? If she's always making the effort she may feel bad about you coming into town for other reasons.
Post by EmilieMadison on May 21, 2014 11:43:39 GMT -5
My mom would just show up and follow me around whether I invited her or not. I do think its strange that you chose the place where your mom lives to go on a trip with friends, but it IS a trip with friends and having a bbq with your mom one evening is, IMO, a nice way to include her. She is stepping on toes by trying to work her way into your plans with other people.
I would let her know what we are going to be doing and let her come along if she wants. If whatever outdoor stuff you're doing isn't her cup of tea I would not change my vacation plans to accommodate her but would plan another trip to see my family soon and would try to get home early from the day's activities so she can have time for a cocktail or whatever with you and not JUST dinner.
I never said I didn't want to see my family. I even told her she'd be welcome to stay with us if it were just us but our friends are there too so we have to consider that as a variable . And any time we've discussed this before its always been about having dinner it's never been discussed that she would be spending days with us
Regardless of who does what and who see's who, there was an issue with communication. Could you ask your friends, if it would be ok if she joined for a day, and make it very clear to your mom that your doing outdoor type stuff.
I'm eyerolling that they shouldn't have vacationed in her parents' town. They live 4 hours away! It's not like they live cross-continent and are making no plans to see her. They see each other (with equal effort from both parties) at least every other month, and she made plans for a lovely BBQ together.
I get seeing that the mom would be bummed, but the idea that this is a crap move on OP's part is bizarre. Why should she avoid the conveniently-located awesome camping/water park with her kid and friend just because mom lives there?
Post by litebright on May 21, 2014 11:48:08 GMT -5
I think there's probably a compromise to be had here.
To your mom, it may feel like she's always making the effort to see you guys and this one time when you're in her area, you're making her not feel wanted. Even though that wasn't your intent.
OTOH, she did decide to single-handedly expand her time with you to a whole day rather than just the BBQ that you'd discussed, without any regards for the plans that you made with other people -- and you're absolutely right, you need to be considerate of the people you made vacation plans with in the first place.
If you already have that day planned with activities with the other family, I would okay her participation with them and then tell her, "Mom, here's what we have planned. You're welcome to join us if you'd like."
If you *don't* have that time planned, I don't think it would be a huge deal to say to the other family, "hey, do you mind if we do our own thing that day -- it's my hometown, there are some people we'd like to see and we'll meet back up for dinner". Or maybe just do part of a day, like afternoon + BBQ.
FWIW, I think I'm going to run into a bit of this with my parents. We're planning to go back to Ohio sometime this year, where both DH and I are from; my parents have talked as if they interpret this as "we're going to visit my hometown", in the middle of nowhere NW Ohio. I have no desire to go to my hometown. Most of DH's family, and my sister and her family, are about 2 hours away, along with far more activities and attractions for our kids/family so that it's a vacation and not just "let's schlep between relatives".
My mom is the best! Everything I love - hiking, skiing, breweries, running, etc - is exactly what she loves. I think your mom is being a bit unreasonable. You are going on a vacation with another family.
I would probably message her/call her/whatever communication her back and say something like "Mom, I'm sorry that there was a miscommunication. We will be doing XYZ on day as we've already planned our trip with our friends. We would still love to come over for a BBQ though. Also, if you would like to join us for the one day you have off, you are more than welcome."
She was very quite after that and got off the phone a few minutes later.
Then I get a Facebook message from her. She's upset saying she doesn't feel loved and we don't appreciate her.
Does she use this kind of tone or approach regularly? I know I'm projecting from my own experience (and I no longer speak with my mom). But this kind of behavior/phrasing (plus the fact that she doesn't typically like the activities you have planned) sets off bells for me regarding manipulation and being overly-dramatic. If you deal with and have to appease this kind of behavior regularly, you may need to consider how healthy the relationship is and if there's ways to improve communication/expectations/boundaries.
If it's a rare or first-time thing, then a simple call or maybe visit face-to-face to clear the air and explain things should help; but I would decide how you want your vacation plans to go and stick to that no matter how she likes the answer.
I agree with this. The fact that she got "...very quiet..." but then posted something on FB (that everyone can see) makes me wonder if she's habitually like this. If she is, then I'd be miffed about her presumptions, but if this is an isolated incident, I'd point out to her that this time was to be with your friends, but just accept it and let her tag along that one day.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I agree with Astrid. Also, if I was vacationing with another family and they happened to have parents in the area, I wouldn't begrudge the parents hanging out. It's not like we're 20 and want to do keg stands.
I'm here. While your mom seems a little over the top with her response, what's the issue with her "tagging" along? Are you guys doing something that an extra adult along with the children is really going to cramp your style? As long as your mom isn't a kill joy, what's the big deal?
Does she use this kind of tone or approach regularly? I know I'm projecting from my own experience (and I no longer speak with my mom). But this kind of behavior/phrasing (plus the fact that she doesn't typically like the activities you have planned) sets off bells for me regarding manipulation and being overly-dramatic. If you deal with and have to appease this kind of behavior regularly, you may need to consider how healthy the relationship is and if there's ways to improve communication/expectations/boundaries.
If it's a rare or first-time thing, then a simple call or maybe visit face-to-face to clear the air and explain things should help; but I would decide how you want your vacation plans to go and stick to that no matter how she likes the answer.
I agree with this. The fact that she got "...very quiet..." but then posted something on FB (that everyone can see) makes me wonder if she's habitually like this. If she is, then I'd be miffed about her presumptions, but if this is an isolated incident, I'd point out to her that this time was to be with your friends, but just accept it and let her tag along that one day.
To be fair, she PMd me on Facebook, so not public. But yes, she always pulls these moves. It's exhausting emotionally sometimes.
She was very quite after that and got off the phone a few minutes later.
Then I get a Facebook message from her. She's upset saying she doesn't feel loved and we don't appreciate her.
Does she use this kind of tone or approach regularly? I know I'm projecting from my own experience (and I no longer speak with my mom). But this kind of behavior/phrasing (plus the fact that she doesn't typically like the activities you have planned) sets off bells for me regarding manipulation and being overly-dramatic. If you deal with and have to appease this kind of behavior regularly, you may need to consider how healthy the relationship is and if there's ways to improve communication/expectations/boundaries.
If it's a rare or first-time thing, then a simple call or maybe visit face-to-face to clear the air and explain things should help; but I would decide how you want your vacation plans to go and stick to that no matter how she likes the answer.
Does she use this kind of tone or approach regularly? I know I'm projecting from my own experience (and I no longer speak with my mom). But this kind of behavior/phrasing (plus the fact that she doesn't typically like the activities you have planned) sets off bells for me regarding manipulation and being overly-dramatic. If you deal with and have to appease this kind of behavior regularly, you may need to consider how healthy the relationship is and if there's ways to improve communication/expectations/boundaries.
If it's a rare or first-time thing, then a simple call or maybe visit face-to-face to clear the air and explain things should help; but I would decide how you want your vacation plans to go and stick to that no matter how she likes the answer.
I agree with this. The fact that she got "...very quiet..." but then posted something on FB (that everyone can see) makes me wonder if she's habitually like this. If she is, then I'd be miffed about her presumptions, but if this is an isolated incident, I'd point out to her that this time was to be with your friends, but just accept it and let her tag along that one day.
I took 'facebook message' as a private message, not posting on her wall.
I think she probably should have checked with you before taking the day off. But if she's the one traveling to see you every 6-8 weeks and you can't let her spend 1 afternoon with you the one time you go there it's crappy. And I would be expecting fewer visits in the future.
This would annoy me. Because I'd be thinking my expectations had been communicated and they either had not or were being willfully misunderstood. And, following on 50/50 responsibility for 4 hour visits every 6-8 weeks, the "you don't love and respect me" would make me roll my eyes. Bullshit. In fact, it might drive me so far away I'd turn into Cvillebot of emotionlessness and give away all of my fucks. I'd be torn up inside, but that's how I'd act.
And blah blah "don't vacation where your parents live" is silly. My parents happen to live very close to where my closest friends from law school live. When I go to visit law school friends, I may have a meal/stay a night with my parents and vice versa, but there's no expectation of everyone hanging out together all twisted Brady Bunch style and, if not, wounded feelings of woe. And everyone is cool. Because that's normal. What would be hurtful is if OP didn't tell her mom at ALL and then was all over FB "look how much fun we're having 10 minutes from your house nanny nanny boo boo."
Anyway, take it back to the drawing board and recommunicate with your mom. Maybe the solution THIS time is that you have a couple planned activities with her, or that you add a day on the end at her house or something. And certainly you all need to communicate NOT via FB message on this one right now. But I'm telling you, next time (if there was a next time), I'd be laying shit out in a bullet pointed email for clarity.