Abortions are the reason women can't mourn miscarriages

[redheadbaker]

Or some shit. I'm so pissed off, I'm shaking. I already unfriended the person who posted this on Facebook.

www.scissortailsilk.com/2014/05/13/how-abortion-has-changed-the-discussion-of-miscarriage/

I was finally getting back to a normal routine. My miscarriage a few weeks earlier had taken more than just my baby. It had sapped my emotional reserves as well. I was exhausted, but began to force myself to continue the necessary day-to-day tasks.

I opened the growing pile of mail. A few bills and some unrequested catalogues were quickly set aside. But as I opened a letter from the hospital, I suddenly felt more than I had in days. I could feel my face turn red and my heart began to beat quickly.

The letter read something to the effect of:

“Dear Mrs. Thompson, Blah blah blah, your insurance company will not cover your elective abortion. Blah blah blah.”

Abortion?!?

It took a few times reading over the letter to understand that I needed to contact the hospital billing office. Surely there had been a mistake.

The conversation is still fuzzy in my mind, but basically, the hospital had “miscoded” my ER visit a few weeks before. While I had experienced what they considered a spontaneous abortion (my body had terminated the pregnancy on its own) the hospital had entered it as something similar to an elective abortion. (They said that I had made the decision to terminate the pregnancy.)

I had done everything in my power to keep my baby. Abortion was the word that described just the opposite.

It has taken me nearly 8 years to realize that abortion wasn’t just a word that was mistakenly used in place of my miscarriage; it is the word that has changed the discussion of miscarriage all together.

When I lost my baby, I was surrounded by family and friends who knew that we were expecting and wanted to support us during our time of loss. I was encouraged by those who knew for themselves the heartache we were experiencing…

But life just sort of… went on…

I joined some horrible unspoken club of women who have all had miscarriages yet no one really talks about the loss or acknowledges the baby.

There wasn’t a grave stone or a funeral or meals prepared for us for weeks. I wasn’t featured on the news or connected by the hospital to other mothers who had experienced similar heartache.

I was sent home to continue to live like my baby had never died – like there never was a baby.

But recently, I have realized that this response is an indicator of the state of our society.

After all, it is hard for a society to mourn the loss of WANTED unborn life when it is busy calling it “tissue” and discrediting its personhood.

It is hard for a society to embrace a mourning mother for her loss of tissue when it is busy defending another mother’s right to dispose of it.

But for a woman who prays ceaselessly for life to fill her womb,

For a woman who has tried for years to finally have children of her own.

For an expectant mother who suddenly finds herself frantically calling her OB after finding bright red blood…

The “material” in her tummy is anything but tissue.

It is life.

It is hopes and dreams and answered prayers. It is destiny and a future and a promise of another generation. It is bike riding and little league and ballet lessons and college and grandkids…

It is a baby.

But it can never be both. Society can never acknowledge that we lost a baby and with the same breath declare the rest to be tissue.

That is how abortion has changed the discussion of miscarriage – it has silenced it.

Even though miscarriage affects millions of men and women each year, it won’t be featured on the news.

There will be no memorials for all of the WANTED unborn babies. There will be no moments of silence or Today Show features for women who are organizing support groups.

Despite the huge number of families miscarriage impacts each year – it will not be discussed widely.

Because if they call ours babies…

Then all of the aborted ones… were babies too…

And the silence – more than anything – speaks the loudest.

It’s time to change the discussion of miscarriage – by starting one. It is time to acknowledge the loss of neonatal life as…life… It is time to stop expecting women and men who have experienced miscarriage to stay silent in their own pain.

They have lost a child.

They may not have ever held it in their arms, but they dreamt a lifetime for that baby in their hearts.

From my little corner of the internet, I dare to say that the silence has spread far enough. It is up to us to speak for the babies who have been lost and embrace the mothers and fathers who have endured the heartache of such tragedy.

Abortion has changed the discussion of miscarriage – but we can change it again.

Because though they try to silence the lives of the aborted, they should not be able to silence the lives of the wanted as well.

[Deleted]

I'm not reading this because no.

I'm just gonna say that I bet the concept of mourning your abortion, being sad that the time was not right or whatever would make the heads of several assholes explode.

[smock]

"That is how abortion has changed the discussion of miscarriage – it has silenced it."

Does she seriously think that during some past golden age women with miscarriages were featured on the Today Show? WTF?

[NewOrleans]

[Deleted]

So I gave in and started reading. Basically, this twat is simple and doesn't realize that medically speaking, miscarriage has always been referred to as some kind of abortion. That's not a new phenomenon.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry she's sad and I think women should talk about their miscarriages if the want. It's also okay for people to be uncomfortable with other people's grief.

It's also okay to have an abortion and be sad. It's okay to want to be a mother later.

People need just have their feelings and stop worrying so much about what everyone else thinks about them. Ugh. If your friends and family are decent people they'll help you grieve for whatever reason you are sad.

This woman needs to stop worrying about everyone else's situation.

[Velar Fricative]

Um, all she needed to do was call the insurance company and tell them they made a mistake coding it as elective (or call the OB's office or something), instead of writing a bullshit and inflammatory article like this.

RHB, I am sorry you had to read that on FB.

[ringstrue]

um - miscarriages are one of the many reasons why you should embrace abortion. Negative connotations of abortion is why this woman had a freak out.

[Deleted]

Also, she is seemingly unaware that there are support groups out there for women who have suffered miscarriages. She needs to find one instead of channeling her sorrow and anger somewhere just because she can.

[pixy0stix]

I'm supposed to be on tv? Someone needs to call my publicist. They're falling down on the job.

No, but really, fuck her and the twat she rode in on.

[CallingAllAngels]

May 22, 2014 9:52:44 GMT -5 Velar Fricative said:

Um, all she needed to do was call the insurance company and tell them they made a mistake coding it as elective (or call the OB's office or something), instead of writing a bullshit and inflammatory article like this.

RHB, I am sorry you had to read that on FB.

Seriously.  I had the same experience after my D&E.  Fighting the insurance company sucked, especially because I was very emotionally fragile at the time.  Her story has nothing to do with elective abortions and everything to do with how horrible insurance companies can be. 

[redheadbaker]

I responded before I unfriended about how offensive it was and how granting personhood to the fetus stripped the woman of her rights. I don't know how it didn't come out as nothing more than a string of curses.

[omgzombies]

Yup, my father is an OB. Miscarriage has always been considered an abortion in the medical world. It's nothing new. Now admittedly I'm not the best judge of this, since I'm rather cold and unfeeling about this one. For me a miscarriage in the first trimester isn't considered a big deal to begin with, probably because my father talked about this stuff from a rather clinical perspective, and while it's not the norm, a miscarriage in the first trimester isn't particularly uncommon either. I realize lots of women feel differently, and every woman certainly has a right to mourn/feel how they want, but I have a hard time making that mental leap to there myself.

This loon is crazy though. I very distinctly remember my facebook feed being covered with little pics and badges acknowledging the loss of those that miscarried, in fact I think it was a some national child loss awareness day specifically for women who have miscarried. It's becoming much more common to discuss, and good on them. If you're grieving that loss, you have a right to mourn. You don't have a right to blame women for not wanting what you want though.

[Deleted]

When I document my D&Cs due to the two missed miscarriages, the proper medical terminology is 'D&C due to Missed Ab" aka an abortion. Your body technically aborts the pregnancy for one reason or another. Abortion has become a loaded, emotional term, but in medical terminology it is fully appropriate.

And as for elective ones, I had to wait 3 1/2 weeks for my first D&C because there was a form of a heartbeat. Every thing about the pregnancy was non-viable--no growth, hb under 100bpm, and I was/am furious that my dr refused to even meet with me to plan the D&C until the u/s showed the hb was completely gone; but I guess they saved me the aggravation of fighting with the insurance companies? Yeah, fuck you insurance companies.

And this article/author is a bit ridiculous. I doubt anyone ever really celebrates an elective abortion, and it certainly does not diminish the struggle that comes with a more 'natural' miscarriage.

[redheadbaker]

May 22, 2014 10:01:35 GMT -5 omgzombies said:

I think it was a some national child loss awareness day specifically for women who have miscarried.

October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

[omgzombies]

May 22, 2014 10:08:34 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

May 22, 2014 10:01:35 GMT -5 omgzombies said:

I think it was a some national child loss awareness day specifically for women who have miscarried.

October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Yes, that's it.  Thank you.  So there are support groups and remembrance days.  People are talking about it, and it is recognized.

[runaways]

Oh man. Someone posted this on my FB a few weeks ago. She experienced a late loss, so obviously I didn't say anything, but she and her husband are both going to be doctors. I found it pretty bothersome.

I'm so sorry you had to run across it unexpectedly.

[wawa]

Is this idiot unaware that m/c's are talked about more now than they ever were before? My grandmother had a mc that my mom didn't even know about until I had my mc and granny mentioned it. The woman wouldn't even say the word pregnant when mom was a kid but you think she was publicly mourning a loss?? The hell?

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk

[Deleted]

I dont think legalized elective abortions mean we dont discuss miscarriages. I think if anything, as a society, we discuss miscarriages more (at least in my circles we do, including this board).

I also think it is entirely possible for one person to view it as tissue, one person to view it as a baby, and one person to view it as something in between, and none of those views are invalid from a personal standpoint. I also think how a person views a pregnancy can change drastically as it progresses. I feel much more strongly now at 16 weeks about this baby then I did at 5 weeks, which I think is natural.

[NewOrleans]

Every time you state your experience, @historychick79, it makes me sick.

[Velvetshady]

May 22, 2014 9:53:00 GMT -5 ringstrue said:

um - miscarriages are one of the many reasons why you should embrace abortion. Negative connotations of abortion is why this woman had a freak out.

Yup. Words have actual meanings and this women should be raging against the anti-"abortion" movement that apparently has never bothered to learn that actual definition of "abortion" before campaigning that it is evil.

[NewOrleans]

Adamwife once said this, btw. She asked why people mourned miscarriages if they didn't believe in fetal personhood. In the interest of fairness, it was a loooooooong time ago before she became more temperate, but it was... not good.

[LoveTrains]

May 22, 2014 10:10:31 GMT -5 omgzombies said:

May 22, 2014 10:08:34 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Yes, that's it.  Thank you.  So there are support groups and remembrance days.  People are talking about it, and it is recognized.

And its not just for women who miscarried. It is also for woman who may have terminated their very much wanted pregnancies due to issues not compatible with life etc that come up later in the pregnancy.

[carowen]

Besides the fact that miscarriage has been a taboo topic since the dawn of time. I just don't agree with her assessment of the pro-choice movement. First of all, I don't view a 6wk fetus as not-life. But it's not a person either. Just like grass is life, but not a person.

And I've been pg 3times, have two children and thoughts like this: "it is hopes and dreams and answered prayers. It is destiny and a future and a promise of another generation. It is bike riding and little league and ballet lessons and college and grandkids…" have never once crossed my mind.

I have a very hard time imagining my already born children, whom I touch/see, as older. It's difficult for me to envision them beyond their current state. Before birth, I had a hard enough time envisioning life with a baby much less grandkids.

So she needs to stop acting like an insurance billing snafu is some profound symbolism for our cultural thought process. Because, spoiler alert - not everyone thinks/feels the same way as she does.

[NewOrleans]

May 22, 2014 10:26:38 GMT -5 Velvetshady said:

May 22, 2014 9:53:00 GMT -5 ringstrue said:

um - miscarriages are one of the many reasons why you should embrace abortion. Negative connotations of abortion is why this woman had a freak out.

Yup. Words have actual meanings and this women should be raging against the anti-"abortion" movement that apparently has never bothered to learn that actual definition of "abortion" before campaigning that it is evil.

well, remember that some places have actually tried to enact legislation that could potentially have resulted in investigation of miscarriages to make sure it wasn't criminal abortion, so...

[Deleted]

Also, my grandmother lost a son due to early labor. He was around 30-32 weeks along, so in today's world he would have had a decent chance, but 1950's technology just couldn't keep him alive. She was horribly shamed by her mother in law for 'killing' her child, and actually ended up institutionalized for several months to deal with the ensuing depression (compounding the shame). It has always been something swept under the rug in family history, and I've only heard her refer to it once, shortly after I had C. So no, society did not magically embrace miscarriage and child loss during that enlightened age when abortion was illegal.

[pamela]

When I was going through my miscarriages, talk of elective abortions was particularly sensitive for me. It hurts to see women who can get pregnant and don't want to be for whatever reason and just throw it away. I'm not talking about those for medical reason of mom or baby. I'm talking about life circumstances reasons. It hurt. It didn't diminish what I felt or how I was treated by my loved ones. Or how I mourned. It still does some, just not as raw. It's pure jealousy and selfishness that makes the connection between them and me.

[ttt]

And on the other end of the spectrum, some women who have miscarriages don't mourn them as lost babies. I don't. I was emotionally fragile and really screwed up from all the hormones at the time, but it's something I think about only very rarely. I mourned the lost potential but I did not mourn a "lost baby." It's not because I wasn't "allowed" to, it just wasn't how I felt about it.

Soooo...different women, different experiences. Imagine that.

[NewOrleans]

May 22, 2014 11:05:21 GMT -5 pamela said:

When I was going through my miscarriages, talk of elective abortions was particularly sensitive for me. It hurts to see women who can get pregnant and don't want to be for whatever reason and just throw it away. I'm not talking about those for medical reason of mom or baby. I'm talking about life circumstances reasons. It hurt. It didn't diminish what I felt or how I was treated by my loved ones. Or how I mourned. It still does some, just not as raw. It's pure jealousy and selfishness that makes the connection between them and me.

I completely get that.  I hated, HATED pregnant women-- could not stand to be around them or see them in public or anything-- for about 4 or 5 weeks after my miscarriage/D&C.  It's totally fair to feel bitter about one's own circumstances.  I just don't exactly think that's what is happening with this particular author.

[msmerymac]

You mean I'm not capable of complex emotions and can't feel heartbroken for loved ones who have experienced miscarriage while simultaneously fighting for the right of women to make their own reproductive choices in different circumstances? Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?!