Do you sometimes obsess about "how" you got here?

[anna7602]

I know it doesn't matter and that there are far more things to be anxious about, but my mind sometimes wanders off on this "why that particular cycle after 18 cycles of trying" tangent. I went through the blood tests, the sperm analysis, an HSG and know what all the results said about my chances (verdict= abysmally low), but I still think about the foods I was eating while TTC and possible environmental factors and stress and etc. etc. etc. 

I guess it's my mind's way of trying to feel like I am in control of something that was clearly very far beyond my control. 

[FastHands]

Not really. I'm pretty sure it was the clomid. heh. DH disagrees, but I think he's weird. lol

[dana2006]

I have no doubt that we would not have gotten pregnant w/o ivf. The only thing I occasionally turn over and over in my head is the fact that we did icsi on all the eggs to get them fertilized, so it comes down to this one anonymous lab tech who selected one particular sperm and fertilized the one egg that ended up being the winning one. It boggles my mind. With all the other methods, there's some degree of natural selection, i.e., the best swimmer wins. But with ivf icsi, the tech does the selection and it just seems, wow, that's a lot of power/responsibility. What if they had chosen a different but equally good sperm? Anyway I'm rambling.

[linz]

I got pg with IVF. My biggest issue that my RE found was my estrogen was low - so even though I was finally ovulating on my own my eggs weren't strong enough. So maybe it could have happened naturally but I wasn't willing to waste anymore time or money waiting to find out. I don't ever wonder how I got here, more why me? Which I'm sure every IF girl goes thru. Why did I go thru hell when plenty of women get off the pill and bam it happens. I also wonder/hope my body will go back to normal. I know girls that did IVF and then got pregnant naturally. I pray that it is us for when we want to try for #3.

Also, like Dana said, we did ICSI. I sometimes wonder if all our babies will be one gender since we have 7 more eggs frozen. I was against ICSI because I felt like I wanted the sperm to "naturally" go to the egg. I'm sure that sounds weird.  The Dr recommended ICSI and who knows if we would have had as good of a turnout even though H had no issues. I'm not even sure what his numbers were that day to be honest.

It's hard to not look back and 2nd guess things. I had an IF friend tell me to go straight to an RE. Don't waste a year or however long with an OB. While yes I could have done that I know that it happened at the right time. I was SO much more educated when I actually got to the RE. I also had this board to help me thru and I know IVF (if we had chosen to do that early on) would have been terrifying for me since I didn't have a board to ask questions too and turn to for support. I prayed so much during that time to just be put on the right path and even though I don't. know why it took so long or why I went thru hell, I feel that it was the right timing.

[Deleted]

I was told it was unlikely that IUI with injectibles was going to work, but I had to go through the motions for insurance to cover IVF, so I was just biding my time every month. I don't know what it was that FINALLY made everything click (DH says it was b/c his sperm sample was the best of the 5 we had, ::snort: but I am sure glad it did.

[speyedr]

We have motility and count issues on DH's part and while the likelihood that we would have gotten pregnant on our own is probably higher than with some other diagnoses, we got pregnant from an IUI. I think DH's sperm just needed a little helping hand. I was also on Clomid to help regulate my very irregular cycles but have never been diagnosed with anything infertility related so maybe the Clomid did more than we think.

I think my biggest obsession now is how hard it is going to be to try for #2. I want so badly to say that we will get pg on our own, I think we all secretly do, but I know the reality and know that if history repeats itself #2 will be just as trying and difficult as #1.

[jewel]

I got pregnant through IVF, so not much to wonder about there. I know why that one worked out, lol.

However, I did get pregnant once after about 6 months of trying, with no intervention. That pregnancy unfortunately didn't work out, but I do wonder about it. I wonder why it worked. I wonder if the reason the baby didn't survive has anything to do with our IF. I don't wonder a lot about why things DIDN'T work for a long time, but that one successful time does make me wonder...It's kind of a weird, inception sort of thought circle.

[KaraOrNot]

Yes. We were saving for IVF and while we were still trying, we weren't putting any real effort into it. I can't wrap my head around why/how (other than the obvious, lol) it happened. It is something I think about frequently.

[persa]

I'm not sure if I understand the question but I do wonder why this IVF worked and the prior one didn't. I had such a low chance of success to begin with and I wonder what it was that made the difference. Was it the DHEA/CoQ10? Acupuncture? Pineapple core? Prayer? Different RE, but who did the exact same protocol? Taking my DD's favorite lovey that she loaned me to my acupuncture and FET, lol?

[azurely]

We did IVF and they retrieved 45 eggs, so I wonder why this particular egg/sperm are the ones that stuck. And why so many others didn't even survive to blastocyst stage.

They did half ICSI and half regular fertilization with my eggs, so I've had the same thoughts as you linz about how someone in the lab chose one sperm out of millions to fertilize half of my eggs, instead of it just happening randomly. It boggles my mind, but I believe God was in charge even during the IVF process, so I believe He guided that process too.

I also wonder about lifestyle changes pre-transfer. In the 3.5 weeks between retrieval and frozen transfer (I had to do FET since I was at high risk of OHSS), I stopped drinking soda/alcohol completely and drank tons more water. I did it to combat the OHSS at first, then just never started again. I don't really believe that the FET worked simply because I was more hydrated, but I do wonder if it made a difference at all.