More wedding etiquette: honestly don't know

[meg]

My first question is who are the people on her list? Are they possibly family friends or relatives that were left off the list the parents sent along? If not... yeah no she doesnt get to invite her random friends or whatever.

[Deleted]

Unless SIL raised the groom, I don't see what standing the SIL has. I'm amazed that she would even suggest this.

But I wouldn't dismiss the cultural component. I say she passes the ball to the FI, see what he has to say about it and then he can be the one to broach the subject with his parents and possibly his sister. But I lean towards only inviting who you can afford and not inviting the SIL's little posse.

[pixy0stix]

That's weird. I would say no, SIL doesn't get to invite her own friends. I'd be weirded out to get an invite to a wedding where I'm only friends with someone in the bridal party.

[wawa]

Not normal. Not normal AT ALL.

Maybe cultural, I know nothing about that.

The only scenario I can come up with is if SIL has a very young baby and wants to bring the baby, but also wants to have her MIL or another family member there to help with baby wrangling since she's in the wedding. But that's still one extra person (2 with a +1), not 10. And that would be a very specific conversation, not a general, "oh hey...here's my list for the invites"

ETA: Oh, or if there is some sort of weird family rift so the MIL and FIL left people off their list and SIL wants them to be there. Aunts, uncles, etc. But in that case that would 100% be a call for her FI to make.

If it's just SIL's friends, then I'm right back to no, that's 100% weird and not normal.

[Deleted]

Jul 18, 2012 9:53:00 GMT -5 meg said:

My first question is who are the people on her list? Are they possibly family friends or relatives that were left off the list the parents sent along? If not... yeah no she doesnt get to invite her random friends or whatever.

.

This. If its like "oh my parents forgot these people" then it's not weird to me. But if it's her roommate from college or something, then yeah, weird and inappropriate. Your cousin just needs to be honest about needing to keep the guest list small.

[ECB]

The cousin needs to focus on her budget and how many people they can afford to invite. And yes- who exactly is on SIL's list? If it's friends of hers - people who wouldn't make the list normally - and if including them means cousin has to cut her own good friends or family, then there needs to be a huge "NO" to this.

Even before throwing this to the groom. Who the BRIDE wants there matters more than who the SIL wants. And I really can't see how this is a cultural thing.

[penguingrrl]

I think it depends on who the list consists of. Is it friends of SILs that are also friends of her FIs? Like, people she thought should have been on the original list but weren't and she thinks it's an oversight. I know my sister and I were two years apart in school and had quite a few friends overlap (and actually, my brother and I were 5 years apart and still had friends who overlapped when I think about it), so I'm thinking something like that. Or is it family members that somehow both FI and their parents forgot and she's reminding them?

If it's just friends of hers then, yeah, that's strange. Unless she's helping pay I don't think she gets to invite her friends to his wedding. But if I were your cousin I would talk to her FI in case there are cultural norms she's not aware of in this case.

[osulori]

Without knowing if these people are family that got left off the list MIL sent or something like that, and assuming they're just friends of SIL's...yeah I'd call that weird. Your cousin would be well within her rights to tell SIL that since they're keeping the guest list small no her friends can't come to the wedding.

[heyjude]

Sounds cultural.

[brookles]

I have a friend who married a Korean woman, and if memory serves I do believe it's cultural.

That said, though, I don't think your cousin has to accommodate her if she can't afford it and if it would cause a lot of problems for her. But she should definitely let her FI handle it.

[ECB]

Jul 18, 2012 10:06:39 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

Can I ask something about the possible cultural component here? If that is what is going on, should the cousin have to bend to it? Why can't she explain the culture here (SILs have no say in guest list)? Shouldn't that, along with the money issues, control?

I mean, if it is cultural, address it differently perhaps, but I still see no reason as to why that culture should trump. If they are going to have a huge fit about it, then you need to decide which battle to fight, just like any other wedding issue. But right off the bat, I don't see any reason to automatically go by the other culture as opposed to my own.

I completely agree. Assuming it's SIL's friends who the bride doesn't know... really? That trumps the brides own family and friends? That makes no sense to me!

[heyjude]

No I don't think culture should trump. But from my BFFs wedding to a Korean man, Asians have big, invite all, type weddings.

[marie427]

Jul 18, 2012 9:53:00 GMT -5 meg said:

My first question is who are the people on her list? Are they possibly family friends or relatives that were left off the list the parents sent along? If not... yeah no she doesnt get to invite her random friends or whatever.

This. And I was about to say I'm almost positive this is cultural, except that the ILs sent a reasonable guest list. If this was truly cultural, it would be the FI's parents to want to add extra people to the guest list. So I think this is just SIL wanting to just have these extra people invited, in which case she should oh-so-politely be told to go eff herself, and she should be told this by the groom.

[marie427]

Jul 18, 2012 10:09:40 GMT -5 heyjude said:

No I don't think culture should trump. But from my BFFs wedding to a Korean man, Asians have big, invite all, type weddings.

Lots of cultures do. I'm not Asian but my relatives' weddings tend to have between 500-1000 guests because it's considered rude not to invite random acquaintances that you happen to see at church, is friends with a friend or relative of yours, etc.

But for my own wedding, I nipped that shit in the bud because there was no way in hell I was paying for 500+ people. Aunts, uncles and first cousins and that's it.

[penguingrrl]

Jul 18, 2012 10:18:33 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Jul 18, 2012 10:06:39 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

Can I ask something about the possible cultural component here? If that is what is going on, should the cousin have to bend to it? Why can't she explain the culture here (SILs have no say in guest list)? Shouldn't that, along with the money issues, control?

I mean, if it is cultural, address it differently perhaps, but I still see no reason as to why that culture should trump. If they are going to have a huge fit about it, then you need to decide which battle to fight, just like any other wedding issue. But right off the bat, I don't see any reason to automatically go by the other culture as opposed to my own.

I think she could say no. I suspect she's really trying to bridge the culture gap. They're planning to honeymoon in Korea so she can meet some more of his family. Knowing what I know about Korean families, they probably took a long time to get used to the idea of their son marrying a Swede. I would guess she probably *would* bow to their cultural norm to the extent she can.

I'll email her back though and tell her, "Not normal in the west."

That sounds perfect. While it's easy to say that his cultural norm shouldn't trump her cultural norm, there's also something to be said for getting off on the right foot with your ILs and incorporating both traditions is a huge step towards that. She may need to talk to SIL and explain that while they would love to include her friends cost is a barrier, but I would personally approach it cautiously with her FI first in case it is something that can/will cause hurt feelings.

[mdgirl]

I normally just lurk over here, but my husband is Indian and his brother had an entire table of his friends at the wedding. BUT my in-laws were paying. And they weren't invited guests, just as my IL's friends cancelled at the last minute they'd let my BIL invite people. We got married where my husband grew up, so it's not like we could have filled in with people from my side or our friends and they got together and got us all our knives off our registry, so I wasn't too fussed about it.

[pescalita]

Jul 18, 2012 10:22:04 GMT -5 penguingrrl said:

Jul 18, 2012 10:18:33 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

I think she could say no. I suspect she's really trying to bridge the culture gap. They're planning to honeymoon in Korea so she can meet some more of his family. Knowing what I know about Korean families, they probably took a long time to get used to the idea of their son marrying a Swede. I would guess she probably *would* bow to their cultural norm to the extent she can.

I'll email her back though and tell her, "Not normal in the west."

That sounds perfect. While it's easy to say that his cultural norm shouldn't trump her cultural norm, there's also something to be said for getting off on the right foot with your ILs and incorporating both traditions is a huge step towards that. She may need to talk to SIL and explain that while they would love to include her friends cost is a barrier, but I would personally approach it cautiously with her FI first in case it is something that can/will cause hurt feelings.

Agree. Neither culture should trump the other, but bride and groom need to sit down and discuss expectations and budget and then pass their decisions on to the family as needed. Maybe a big guest list is important and they can cut something else. Maybe they need to stick to the budget and Groom needs to tell SIL to shove it (nicely).

[laurenpetro]

if budget is an issue then i would say no to a bunch of friends. it wasn't an issue at ours so my BIL and SIL invited a couple of friends and i invited a bunch of friends to my sister's wedding. if money had been an issue, however, most of my friends (save for my +1) would have been bumped first.

[noodleoo]

No, not normal at all. That is very rude of her. If your cousin had offered to let her invite people, that is okay, but not for her to assume. She can very politely tell SIL that she's will not be able to accommodate her guests. Who assumes they can invite people to an event someone else is hosting and paying for?

[basilosaurus]

Koreans do invite everyone, so I don't think it's rude if all she knows are Korean weddings. The fucking mayor gets invited to weddings. H was invited to a few because he volunteered in a school, once a week or less, and someone's kid was a distant family member to the bride or groom. FFS, the commander at our base was often invited to weddings.

I was staying at a hotel once, and they were setting up a table of identical boxes of gifts, attended by what I thought were flight attendants, near the check in. I thought it was for a conference. Or a giveaway. Nope, a wedding. Gifts were for the guests.

So, I'd say normal, but I'd also say that shouldn't have to matter. I think they could find a way to compromise. Maybe get the sister to cut her list in half?

[2vermont]

In the past few years since working with my former co-worker I have been noticing issues with boundaries all over the place. This is completely inappropriate and your friend needs to set her boundaries now (through her FI of course).

Being this is not SIL's wedding it seems to me if this is somehow cultural (and I'm not even convinced of that one) that she is the one who is not respecting another's culture....your friend's.

Honestly, this made me see red.

ETA: Ooops, your cousin.

[ringstrue]

Even with culture, I think I'd still pick apart the 5 people and see if the FI could say if they were friends or family and the dreaded "long time friends of the family." Cultural or not, if they are SILs hairdresser and postman, no freakin way. I'd honestly be surprised if there wasn't an overlap betweeen the ILs list and her list if it really WAS good close friends, kwim?

I'd rather piss off the SIL than ILs, but I'd just make sure I wasn't not inviting someone the ILs didn't think of so they told SIL to put on her list, kwim?

[julief]

It's not normal in my experience. It's a little presumptuous. I especially don't like that because most families have a budget, and if SIL gets some of "her people" at the expense of others, it's wrong.

I kinda raised an eyebrow when more than a few of DH's mother's friends were invited to our wedding, but I didn't say anything. I was paying for the whole wedding, but DH's mother spent five years away from her career caring for DH through his myriad health problems. She took him so many times to the best hospital that was an hour and a half away. I couldn't begrudge her 10 people on a guest list.

Sometimes battles have to be chosen...

*I was wrong. It was 7 years, not 5...

[Melissa W.]

So did you ask your cousin who the heck these people are ? SIL's friends or family? I'm curious. :0)

[secretlyevil]

SIL has absolutely no say in the guest list.

Note: I have not read any responses.