Okay, a WWYD re: mom watching kids

[Deleted]

Right now my mom watches the babies on Wednesdays so Jake can get some hardcore job hunting done. She's really great with them and, after 1 afternoon alone with them, "gets" our whole schedule thing (she wanted us to be much more breezy and learned reeealll quick they'll eat you alive if you do that). I don't have issues with 98% of what she does/how she is with them and am comfortable with her watching them.

But she isn't really great about their sleep. They're not good nappers, in general, but they DO sleep. And Jake and I are good about reading their sleepy cues, mostly -- Gabe goes from full on playing to "WHY AREN'T I ASLEEP YET" wailing in like 5 seconds, so he's harder, but in general, we catch them when we should, do quiet time, put them down. I've gone over this with her, a few times. She still sees "Gabe is awake" as "Gabe wants to play." Then later is like "Oh he's hungry" when he's crying because he just wants to fucking sleep. She kind of brushes off our help in this category.

I'm not at "Well now you have to stop watching them" at all -- especially since it's one day a week -- but the continuity of the issue is getting to me. I don't know how else to approach it. We lay out how we deal with them. We let her find her own way, too, within reason (she needs to do what she's comfortable with). We try to clue her in on their cues and cries. She just thinks she's right with this and she isn't.

[hopecounts]

Is he remotely consistent on how long he's awake at a stretch (as in does he typically get tired after being up 45-60 minutes? Or anything like that?)
If so if you gave her more of a concrete after 40 or so minutes start watching for him to be ready to nap. Suggestion help?

[ThirdandLong]

My mom watches my kids for basically free every day of the week. We have basic rules that she knows - common sense stuff like not too much juice, no one is allowed to bite, they shouldn't draw on the walls. Apart from the basics, I feel that if she is doing me this HUGE favor for basically FREE then it's her ballgame and I keep my nose out of it. She loves her grandkids, and I know they'll be happy and safe in her care. She doesn't need me hovering.

[Deleted]

I understand that, Third, but the kid needs to sleep, too. And if how she's handling their nap time prohibits them sleeping -- why shouldn't I worry about that?

I'm talking, the kid will sleep maybe an hour the entire DAY. It's usually Gabe.

[manzer1979]

We have a little bit of this same issue but my MIL watches the girls Tues-Fri. They're both great sleepers at night but A in particular is not a great napper and often times my DH will get home and my MIL will say A only slept 20-30 min all day. Luckily he gets home at about 2:30 so he can put her down for a nap at that time if she hasn't slept well but it's frustrating. I've tried to say nice, subtle things but she just thinks that A doesn't need as much sleep as C. My MIL is getting the hang of things more and I've just learned to let things go a little but it's hard. Sorry this isn't much help

[ThirdandLong]

I can understand your frustration and your point. But they are receiving love and attention, proper mealtimes, and she's following your other rules. So is it worth it to make a big deal about nap time one day a week for someone who is showing loving care and doing you a huge favor? jmo No, it's not. They can sleep better that night.

[iamgrace]

The only thing i can suggest is the routine bit.

I know when Henry was that young he would wake up, eat, play for a bit, and then be ready to nap again in about an hour. He would start getting cranky and I would put him down. Rinse, repeat every 2 hours.

Maybe just stress that they need to sleep every x hours? It's so hard with grandmas sometimes!

[iamgrace]

And does it mess with his other sleep patterns? Like at night? If not, then I'd honestly just let her deal. If it does, then I think you need to work it out.

In our case, good sleep during the day means good sleep at night.

[ECB]

Yeah- is there any consistency to the time of day he's ready to nap? I feel you - I have the same problem w /my parents. BUT DS is 3.5 YEARS old so it's a different issue- he's old enough to really fight it.

At 3 months??? They need their sleep.

[manzer1979]

We've also pulled the "The pediatrician suggested that..." that way it's not telling her how to do something but it's coming from a more official source.

[Deleted]

Well, our schedule/routine is set in stone, so no, letting her completely set her own schedule isn't happening. The boys are quite sensitive to those changes and one day will mess up the rest of the week we're with them. I think this is a multiples thing -- the routine is sacred!! lol.

I'll try to say they should really only be up for X hours. We have it written out on the wall for her already. I just don't see why it's so drastically different with her than it is with us (they'll sleep 2-3hrs during the day). Hopefully she'll find the rhythm. Maybe it's just time.

Thanks for commiserating, Manzer!!

[jillybean]

I agree with Third and Smace. It just isn't worth it. However, I can say this now because hindsight is 50/50. When DD was an infant I was completely neurotic about sleep & eating schedules. I know my mom yessed me to death then did her thing when I wasn't around.

Your mom will get the sleep thing down. It just might take longer because she's only with them one day/week. But they will be fine.

ETA: and your boys are absolutely adorable!

[Deleted]

Ummmmm well no to the night sleep question EXCEPT it does impact how well he goes down. So the length of night sleep is pretty consistent regardless, but it might take him a 1/2 hour to fall asleep instead of 15 minutes if he hasn't napped well. Marcus, though a better napper, would take even longer than that.

I will chill the eff out when they're better nappers or older but we worked so hard to get them to nap that it's so frustrating when they don't with her, lol!

[Cayl]

Third, I disagree with you. On most things, I would 100% agree - as long as they're safe and happy things don't have to be done MY way. But with sleep and eating, I disagree. With two little babies if you don't try to keep them on similar schedules and try to have some consistency it is hell. If it was one day once in a while, then definitely, let it go. But one day every week - no way. One day of being off the schedule can take a couple of days to recover from, and then you're just a few days away from it being messed up again. I definitely agree with those saying to pick your battles, but this is one that I would pick because if mine don't nap well during the day then they're cranky all night and don't sleep well at night. And honestly, it's in her mom's best interest to listen since it sounds like Gabe just gets more and more worked up because he's tired. Why have a cranky baby when by listening to Ninja she can have a happy baby?

Can you have your mom come over one day while you guys are there to "hang out" and have her see what cues you look for and how you do things? Maybe if she sees how easy it is for you she'll be more inclined to try your way.

[Deleted]

Jul 18, 2012 13:48:56 GMT -5 Cayl said:

Third, I disagree with you. On most things, I would 100% agree - as long as they're safe and happy things don't have to be done MY way. But with sleep and eating, I disagree. With two little babies if you don't try to keep them on similar schedules and try to have some consistency it is hell. If it was one day once in a while, then definitely, let it go. But one day every week - no way. One day of being off the schedule can take a couple of days to recover from, and then you're just a few days away from it being messed up again. I definitely agree with those saying to pick your battles, but this is one that I would pick because if mine don't nap well during the day then they're cranky all night and don't sleep well at night. And honestly, it's in her mom's best interest to listen since it sounds like Gabe just gets more and more worked up because he's tired. Why have a cranky baby when by listening to Ninja she can have a happy baby?

Can you have your mom come over one day while you guys are there to "hang out" and have her see what cues you look for and how you do things? Maybe if she sees how easy it is for you she'll be more inclined to try your way.

Thank you. That is a great explanation. He does get crazy worked up

We've done the showing thing, too.

[Cayl]

Hmm. Then I would just sit her down and have a discussion with her about how important it is to you. Try saying that not only does it make it harder to get him down at night, but you know how worked up he gets when he doesn't nap and you'd like for her time with him to be happy and pleasant and not full of crying and crankiness.

[Deleted]

Okay. Thanks, guys. And yes, Quesera, Jake has a saying now that anyone who impedes a day can come live with us for the next few to fix it, lol.

I think a discussion ETA a firm discussion (thanks ECB), and then time.

Thanks again.

[ECB]

How firm have you been w/ her on this? If she isn't really responding to you talking it out and showing her what to do - maybe it's time to say "Look - I'm the mom here. I NEED for you to respect me on this. I know my boys better than you and THEY need their sleep."