When to tell daughter about her upcoming surgery?

[missyny]

I don't know when to tell my emotional/anxious almost-6year-old daughter that she is having surgery in two weeks.
It's not gonna be pretty. She's going to flip her lid. Hardcore.
I don't know what to tell her or how to say it or WHEN?!!!

(tonsils/adnoids)

Any suggestions?
I was thinking maybe the Sat. before the surgery (on monday), but idk.
wdyt?

[missyny]

oh, PLEASE, guys! HELP ME with this!!!!!!
:-(

[ProfessorArtNerd]

I dont know what to tell her! Will it make her too worked up (I know it would for Lucy, trust). I wouldn't judge you if you gave her as little time to dwell on it as possible

[vicky]

What kind of surgery? I know it's not the same, but I used to counsel people with disabilities around the same cognitive age.
Basically, we'd be honest and tell them exactly why they're having surgery and how it would benefit them, but not too soon. Like two-three days before so they could process and think of questions and provide support.

[vicky]

Oh, i missed the tonsil/adnoid part! Oh, so it's a simple routine surgery. Just be very honest. Do you have a dolly that you can maybe show her where her tonsils are on?

[speckledfrog]

I don't know either. I think Sat at the earliest. Can you do some role playing with her before hand? Laying on the gurney, getting an IV, etc?

[anlo]

I wouldn't give her more than a couple of days to worry about it. Maybe the day before?

[vicky]

Also, here is a good resource: kidshealth.org/parent/system/surgery/hosp_surgery.html#

[EmilieMadison]

This is so hard because I know my (almost) 7 year old would flip, too.

Ok, here's what I think I"d do with my DD: I would find out if you can schedule a tour of where she'll be going, what will happen (step by step), what she'll be wearing, where you will be, etc. and do that ASAP. Then she can get used to the idea, it wont be a huge surprise that's unknown and scary. My DD would do better with more info and being prepared rather than throwing her in. And if you can't do a tour/etc then look at pictures of hospitals, gurneys, and everything else you can find that will keep things from being a surprise.

Best of luck!

[missyny]

sighhhh... ok, yeah, maybe the day before. good idea.
I'm just so nervous about breaking her heart b/c she is going to be SO scared. So so scared! I mean, the IV alone is going to freak her the fuck out! I cant' imagine them putting the mask over her little mouth.

i'm sad.

[ThirdandLong]

Like pp, I also don't have kids the age of your daughter, but if I were in your shoes, I would not tell her until that morning, especially since you think she'll get worked up over it. Tell her that morning, show her where they are on the doll like the pp said, and don't let her lose sleep over her fear of surgery.

[daisyheadmaizie]

Maybe the day before. I think less time to work herself up and get anxious and worried would be best. Can you find some books about kids have a surgery like this to help her understand what is going to happen? Maybe a book and then you can take turns practicing being the patient, so that she has some idea of how things will work once she gets there.

[missyny]

Jul 18, 2012 13:24:58 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

This is so hard because I know my (almost) 7 year old would flip, too.

Ok, here's what I think I"d do with my DD: I would find out if you can schedule a tour of where she'll be going, what will happen (step by step), what she'll be wearing, where you will be, etc. and do that ASAP. Then she can get used to the idea, it wont be a huge surprise that's unknown and scary. My DD would do better with more info and being prepared rather than throwing her in. And if you can't do a tour/etc then look at pictures of hospitals, gurneys, and everything else you can find that will keep things from being a surprise.

Best of luck!

hmmm, i like this in theory... but I have a feeling it will only build the anxiety for her. idk. ugh!!!!! I think i'm going to need a xanax for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bab]

This is a tough question! You don't want her thinking about it too far in advance, but you don't want to spring it on her last second either.

I think I would wait until a couple days before and tell her. Good luck! She will be fine!!

[Deleted]

Jul 18, 2012 13:25:38 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

I'd start a week or so before. Make it a positive thing. She won't have sore throats anymore after this! Also -- she'll get to have ice cream, and have everyone pay attention to her, and she doesn't have to do any chores.

And let her pick out things for her bag -- a new awesome pair of PJs, her favorite books, best teddy, a nice blanket/quilt. And one sort of big thing that she's been wanting for a while that you can buy the day of, so she can play with it once she feels better.

I think it'll help her feel not so out-of-control if you PUT her in control. "What do you think we need?" She may be comforted by feeling as if she has some say, not necessarily in the surgery itself, but in everything around it.

I was going to say something like this but wasn't sure since I've never gone through it.

I would need something like this as a kid -- putting me in control and explanations of things.

[saraandmichael]

now. i don't think waiting to tell her will do anything for her anxiety on the issue.

when e had to have surgery last year i told him the day i found out. granted, he is younger than your daughter, so maybe he was too young to get anxious?

we talked about it a lot and i was sure to tell him what to expect before and after. we also had a three day hospital stay associated with it, so i had a lot of prep talk to do.

he did get nervous when the anesthesiologist came into the pre-op room. he began to cry and get scared when i told him that i couldn't come with him. the anestethist and his nurse were great and got him some meds to help him relax and then i walked him on the bed as far as i could before he went on his own.

i think preparing her for what to expect is key. she is uncertain and is looking to you for answers. it is also paramount that you not show her how nervous/anxious/unsettled you are feeling. it will only exacerbate her anxiety about it. smile and tell her it will be a fun adventure and accentuate the positives (like tons of popsicles and good treats afterwards).

[EmilieMadison]

I agree with LHC on her suggestions, too.

And I know it seems kinder to spare her the worry and not tell her until right before, but can you imagine not understanding that you need surgery, what it means, what will happen, and then having your mom just bring you to the hospital the day of? I know for sure that my DD would lose.her.shit. and be absolutely terrified. And, she wouldnt trust me anymore

If she was younger and wouldnt be able to understand, then maybe not telling her until the night before or day of would work, but for a 6 year old, she'll probably feel tricked and completely freaked out.

[missyny]

Jul 18, 2012 13:25:38 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

I'd start a week or so before. Make it a positive thing. She won't have sore throats anymore after this! Also -- she'll get to have ice cream, and have everyone pay attention to her, and she doesn't have to do any chores.

And let her pick out things for her bag -- a new awesome pair of PJs, her favorite books, best teddy, a nice blanket/quilt. And one sort of big thing that she's been wanting for a while that you can buy the day of, so she can play with it once she feels better.

I think it'll help her feel not so out-of-control if you PUT her in control. "What do you think we need?" She may be comforted by feeling as if she has some say, not necessarily in the surgery itself, but in everything around it.

ohhhh... i like this a LOT! Maybe we can make her excited for the things she CAN do about it. Great thinking. (Though, thank you to everyone else, too, b/c all great ideas!) Just hard to find the right approach for her.
(and me! argh!)

Maybe i'll still go with Saturday... and then we can shop around and pack up and do all the "fun" stuff... and then still not have too much time before.

[speckledfrog]

To piggy back on emilie's idea, can you get a set of stuff she is going to use (gown, mask, whatever) from the hospital? I don't know if they'll give it to you, but I imagine if you tell them you are trying to minimize a freak out they'll be understanding.

[poolparty]

I don't know if this will help ease your fears (or if this is how it will be with your daughter), but when mine had an endoscopy, they put her out with gas first and then did the IV after she was already out. Much less traumatic that way.

[zozo]

Jul 18, 2012 13:25:38 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

I'd start a week or so before. Make it a positive thing. She won't have sore throats anymore after this! Also -- she'll get to have ice cream, and have everyone pay attention to her, and she doesn't have to do any chores.

And let her pick out things for her bag -- a new awesome pair of PJs, her favorite books, best teddy, a nice blanket/quilt. And one sort of big thing that she's been wanting for a while that you can buy the day of, so she can play with it once she feels better.

I think it'll help her feel not so out-of-control if you PUT her in control. "What do you think we need?" She may be comforted by feeling as if she has some say, not necessarily in the surgery itself, but in everything around it.

All of this. This is probably how I would handle it with either of mine.

[Cayl]

Jul 18, 2012 13:25:38 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

I'd start a week or so before. Make it a positive thing. She won't have sore throats anymore after this! Also -- she'll get to have ice cream, and have everyone pay attention to her, and she doesn't have to do any chores.

And let her pick out things for her bag -- a new awesome pair of PJs, her favorite books, best teddy, a nice blanket/quilt. And one sort of big thing that she's been wanting for a while that you can buy the day of, so she can play with it once she feels better.

I think it'll help her feel not so out-of-control if you PUT her in control. "What do you think we need?" She may be comforted by feeling as if she has some say, not necessarily in the surgery itself, but in everything around it.

I think that's a great idea! Let her focus on everything she can do and how fun it will be. And try not to act too worried or concerned in front of her, though I'd be freaking out too.

[missyny]

i know I'm being a spazz on here, but yeah... i will be hiding my own feelings on the matter as best as possible around her.

thank you, everyone in here!!!!!!!! I appreciate all advice given!

[Deleted]

when ever it is that you decide to tell her, I think a good thing would be tell her she has to practice and give her ICE CREAM!!!

[karmasabiotch]

A few days before so you have time to answer her questions. Buy her the Curious George Goes To the Hospital Book and take her to the store and let her pick out her favorite ice cream , jello, etc. so she feels like she has some control over it.

[elfinia7]

My four year old neice just had that very surgery today (she's been a snorer and mouth breather when she sleeps since she was pretty much born). My sister has been talking to her about it for weeks. What was going to happen, how she'd get to wear a mask and she'd be sleeping and then she'd wake up and mom would be there waiting with Sheepy (her favorite stuffed animal) and she'd get to eat ice cream and pops all the time.

She was really good and though my sister said she did start to get scared during prep and cried they were able to work through it and she was fine. Surgery went well and based on the pic my sister posted on facebook my neice is awake and enjoying her first of many ice pops.

I don't think waiting until the last minute to tell her will work out well for her or you. I agree with a PP that I think it would make her mistrust you in the future.

[myordinarylife]

Jul 18, 2012 13:25:11 GMT -5 missyny said:

sighhhh... ok, yeah, maybe the day before. good idea.
I'm just so nervous about breaking her heart b/c she is going to be SO scared. So so scared! I mean, the IV alone is going to freak her the fuck out! I cant' imagine them putting the mask over her little mouth.

i'm sad.

You can request that they give her laughing gas before they start the pre-op procedures, we did this with my niece and she was much calmer. Also ask that they let her sit on your lap while they do the iv and other procedures, that should help. I would tell her on Saturday that should give her some time to process. You can also call your doc who may be able to give you an anxiety med you can give her at bedtime and then the morning of. Good luck, I know its scary for mama too.

[Deleted]

www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_12?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=children+surgery&sprefix=children+sur%2Cstripbooks%2C122

This is a list of books that may help her calm down.

[wildorchid363]

Jul 18, 2012 13:25:38 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

And let her pick out things for her bag -- a new awesome pair of PJs, her favorite books, best teddy, a nice blanket/quilt. And one sort of big thing that she's been wanting for a while that you can buy the day of, so she can play with it once she feels better.

This.

I had a few surgeries as a kid and my Mom always took me to get new stuff for my "trip to the hospital"

It will also give your DD a chance to ask you questions about anything that worries her.

[ering1115]

Jul 18, 2012 16:04:01 GMT -5 @wildorchid363 said:

Jul 18, 2012 13:25:38 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

And let her pick out things for her bag -- a new awesome pair of PJs, her favorite books, best teddy, a nice blanket/quilt. And one sort of big thing that she's been wanting for a while that you can buy the day of, so she can play with it once she feels better.

This.

I had a few surgeries as a kid and my Mom always took me to get new stuff for my "trip to the hospital"

It will also give your DD a chance to ask you questions about anything that worries her.

Yep. What I remember most about getting my tonsils out was the sweet My Little Pony that was waiting for me when I got home and all of the popsicles.

TMI- The worst thing I remember was that I chose watermelon flavored laughing gas and when I puked post surgery (I am a puker when it comes to being knocked out for anything) it was this horrid medicinal watermelon. Yuck.