Blended families and bdays

[Deleted]

MIL and FIL divorced 35 years ago but have only seen each other a handful of times. DH says they hate each other but they can be amicable in public (like for our wedding). I don't want to have multiple birthday celebrations for DS considering we all live within 5 miles. We already separate holidays and that is a PITA.

Although this isn't my hill to die on I'm wondering if anyone else ran into this and what did you do about it.

[ssmjlm]

MIL and FIL are divorced. MIL is remarried, FIL is not. They get along ok, but FIL isn't a fan of always having blended gatherings.

Tough cookies, dude. We just end up hosting basically everything b/c at least it's neutral ground.

[Deleted]

When my grandparents divorced we just did separate celebrations for everything because they were weirdly nice to each other when they were together and it freaked everyone out and made everyone way more uncomfortable than the arguing that happened during their marriage.

[glitzy07]

H's parents are divorced. His mom is remarried, his dad was remarried and divorced again, and now has a girlfriend. We invite mom, stepdad, dad, girlfriend and ex-stepmom. The only one who has a problem with it is FIL, because he doesn't want to see ex-stepmom, but I don't give two shits. Suck it up and deal, because she's a grandma too for all intents and purposes.

To be fair, FIL is a little bitch eating crackers territory for me, so I wouldn't make any sort of special accommodations for him.

[laurenh]

MIL and FIL are also divorced and although it's more amicable than it was in the past they don't really speak to each other except to say hello, they are typically well behaved though. I was not about to do separate parties because they sometimes choose not to act like adults. Our thought was if they didn't like it they didn't have to come. I realize that may be bitchy but H was completely on board so we went for it and it actually turned out fine.

[shellbear09]

My mom and dad are divorced and while they definitely aren't friends they can be in the same room. The first time I had a reason to invite them both over at the same time was dd's birthday party and it was fine. I refuse to do separate parties for her and really they would never ask and probably don't care. Did they ask for separate parties or are you just imagining this is how they feel? Either way just no don't do that.

Separating holidays is really only a pita for Christmas. Other holidays we just pick one either il's or my dad or mom and go there or host. I think it is important to put your family of 3 first and not cater to everyone else all the time. Since this is your in laws that falls on dh to deal with if they have an issue.

[lolo]

My parents are divorced and my dad is remarried. His wife finds it really awkward to come to events with my mom's family because she and my mom used to be friends (back in the day).

Part of me feels bad because that was a long time ago and part of me thinks that's natural consequences, pal.

I don't do separate events. You pick if you want to come or not.

[redheadk]

My parents are divorced. We do one party for her birthday. They can come or not. At this point, they are really kid parties so whatever.

[soozy87]

I would say if they can be civil to each other or at the very least avoid each other just have one party. It is not like they are going to have 2 school plays, 2 band concerts, or 2 dance recitals just so they can each go to a separate one.

[andthentherewere10]

I would not do a separate party for my divorced parents. If one of them had a problem with it, they would be making the party about them instead of about my kid and I'd call them out on it.

[moopoint17]

H's parents are divorced and we don't do separate birthday parties. MIL doesn't like being around FIL and will try her best to avoid him. But that's on them.

It wouldn't be fair to one parent, who would likely show up to the "main" party and have to share our kids time with the rest of the guests and the other who would likely get the kid all to themselves. And I'm not throwing 3 parties!

[h]

My mom and dad are divorced, but we all spend birthdays, holidays, and family events together. They are fairly close, and if my mom and step-dad host a holiday, they always invite my dad. My mom even insisted that my dad sleep over at her house on Christmas Eve so he could see the grandkids wake up on Christmas morning. It is kind of weird, but definitely nice.

[lostmonkeyatikea]

My in laws are divorced and my MIL hates my FIL.

I refuse to host separate events or exclude my FIL and his side of the family. Whenever we have an event, I inevitably get a call or text from MIL asking if FIL and his girlfriend will be there. When I tell her yes, it's usually followed by a little tantrum and crying about how no one cares about her feelings. It's so annoying.

Lately I've just said yes they will be there and I am sorry if that's uncomfortable and I understand if you can't be there. That seems to help curb the crying. ?

[starlily]

We invite MIL and FIL. It's then on them to act like adults. So far in 3yrs they're never both been at the same party.

They had a very non-amicable divorce 30+ years ago, and H is not particularly close to either one.

[turtlegirl]

My parents are divorced and we don't do separate parties for bdays.

They definitely didn't get along when my sister and I were growing up and things like graduations were tense. But since they really haven't had to deal with each other as much in the past ten years since my sister and I turned 18 they have gotten better.

My boys are also the only local grand kids, so they want to see them as much as possible and be civil.

[gibbinator]

This is pretty much my parents exactly. I just invite lots of people to ds's birthdays, and that way my parents can hang out in different rooms with different people. Fortunately their families (ie my aunts, uncles, grandma) both get along with the other side, so its a non-issue. My mom actually drove my grandma (dad's mom) to ds's party this year. I figure they're adults and can handle 2hrs in each other's vicinity. It's not like there was any terrible reason for the divorce like abuse or cheating, in which case I'd probably feel differently.

[6fsn]

I'm so lucky my divorced ILs are awesome about things like this. For our wedding they both requested a picture of DH and the bio parents as well as pics with the steps. They are at every function with spouses and no baggage.

I say do one party.

[wavepool]

Mil and fil are divorced, but amicable. They come to the same things, don't talk to each other a while lot, but are civil. Fil even went to sfils funeral a few years ago.

Sent from my SPH-L710 using proboards

[ECB]

No - don't do separate b-day parties for them.  They are grown adults who can make nice for 2 hours. 

Holidays are different - holidays are about everyone.  No way would I expect two divorced people to spend a holiday together.  especially if they've moved on and are in new relationships.  That's asking too much. 

But your kids b-day is about YOUR KID.  Period.  It's not about them.  They can suck it up if they want to be there. 

[holly116]

Jun 17, 2014 23:19:35 GMT -5 lostmonkeyatikea said:

My in laws are divorced and my MIL hates my FIL.

I refuse to host separate events or exclude my FIL and his side of the family. Whenever we have an event, I inevitably get a call or text from MIL asking if FIL and his girlfriend will be there. When I tell her yes, it's usually followed by a little tantrum and crying about how no one cares about her feelings. It's so annoying.

Lately I've just said yes they will be there and I am sorry if that's uncomfortable and I understand if you can't be there. That seems to help curb the crying. ?

This is the situation with my parents except my mom lashes out and tries to control the situation entirely. I wasn't even sure if she was going to make it to our wedding since my dad was walking me down the aisle and I invited his family. They divorced when I was already out of college but she expects me to just never speak to him again. Sure, that's healthy!

We really had it out right after my oldest was born. She played nice at the hospital but literally the first day we were home, she answered the door to my dad trying to drop off a meal for us and told him to go to hell. This continued on for about a month (with the added PP hormones, yay!) with her trying to force us to choose side, the first hurdle being DD's baptism. There's only one baptism, they were both invited and when she realized that really, we weren't playing, she sucked it up. Boundaries. It's all about setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. Like parenting a toddler.

Honestly, it had been going along okay till just recently. Right now she's in a time out because she's crazy and cannot control herself.

As others have already said, tough shit. I'm not the one that got divorced and I'm not going to play into some misguided need for loyalty just to make my mom feel more justified. There wasn't any abuse she just hates him and his family and wants to win.