Wedding etiquette

[ringstrue]

I didn't have a lot of single people at our wedding - I wanna say the only ones were my ex-stepmom and 2 younger siblings. Only my brother didn't get a +1 cuz he was in highschool and around all his family all dang day.

I can't imagine going to a wedding w/o a date/companion. Maybe it's just me. You don't actually hang out with the couple save for maybe a moment here or there - while you are at your table or the bar for hours.

I totally get the whole "you aren't obligated to offer a +1" but I also seriously doubt the inviter's sense of empathy for certain individual's situations if they aren't giving them any leeway even after, say, enough guests have RSVPed "No" so that more room has shown up, and the singelton is coming from out of town, spending the night, etc.

[caden]

I view +1s like I view inviting children. Not required at all, but if you're going to invite some then be consistent in some way (only long-term partners, only OOT guests, whatever).

[ECB]

We didn't do +1's either, but the exception I would have made is if a single friend coming wouldn't know anyone else. We didn't have this issue, which is a part of the reason we didnt' do +1
s -all our single friends knew a ton of other people.

But this is an exception I would have made- it would suck to go to a wedding where you know NO ONE but the bride/gromm!

[msmerymac]

I'll reiterate my response over there:

Absolutely anyone IN A RELATIONSHIP needs to have their SO invited. Random dates? No. (Unless the person is traveling or doesn't know anyone at the wedding - then it would be nice. Frankly, it's nice anyway, but not required by etiquette.) Etiquette actually says this. Sure, you can DO whatever you want, but it doesn't make it not rude.

Yes, it's the bride and groom's "day," but if you're inviting people to celebrate with you, you'd better damn well be willing to host them. Which means things like serving them more than crackers and cheese at a 5 hour reception, making sure your ceremony site can accommodate everyone, and you know, generally not being a crappy person or demonstrating you don't care about your guests.

SOs get invited, period. Even if the B&G haven't met them. It's not about the B&G, it's about the comfort of the guest. For some people, 5 months might be a short amount of time, and that person might not feel comfortable attending the wedding with their SO. But they should be given a choice. At 5 months, some people are already engaged/living together. Point is, it's not up to anyone else to judge the seriousness of the relationship. Also? A wedding is a celebration of a relationship. Judging another's relationship as "not serious enough" can't be very good karma.

We invited everyone to bring a guest. A friend of mine was actually dating someone at the time, but hadn't really told anyone because it was a same-sex relationship. I am SO GLAD I invited him to a bring a guest - he ended up bringing his boyfriend and basically coming out as bisexual at my wedding.

I do not think it's out of line to ask someone, "Hey, I saw I was the only one on the invitation. Was Mark invited too? I know people address invitations all kinds of ways and I didn't want to assume!" I mean, if they didn't invite your boyfriend, they're the rude one. You're just calling to clarify. Also, if my SO wasn't invited I would absolutely decline. He's more important to me than some cousin's wedding.

ETA: I also didn't have a "big budget" wedding. It was less than average. We ended up with 68 people there, including us. But it was super important to me to invite everyone with a guest and to have an open bar and a full meal. So hey, priorities. If your priorities are your dress or your flowers, well, I judge that.

[basilosaurus]

If I'm paying $100pp, it absolutely is about me and who I've met or at least heard about. I had a small wedding for a reason, and your flavor of the month doesn't count.

Not that I had to deal with this, thankfully. I had 18 people at my wedding. I wish my cousins could have come. They're more important to me than most people I've dated. Hell, I'd leave H at home to go to their weddings if that's what it took.

[msmerymac]

May 15, 2012 11:05:25 GMT -5 heyjude said:

I lost a friend over this very issue. He wasn't in a relationship. He wanted to bring a roommate. I told him no. Yes. I'm a B.

I agree that he was a douche. In this case, you were definitely not in the wrong.

[Deleted]

I can't be the only one who has known people who don't keep boy/girlfriends long. No, you cannot bring your hot piece as I know full damned well, you won't be together by the time I return from the honeymoon.

[ttt]

May 15, 2012 13:40:36 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

I'll reiterate my response over there:

Absolutely anyone IN A RELATIONSHIP needs to have their SO invited. Random dates? No. (Unless the person is traveling or doesn't know anyone at the wedding - then it would be nice. Frankly, it's nice anyway, but not required by etiquette.) Etiquette actually says this. Sure, you can DO whatever you want, but it doesn't make it not rude.

Yes, it's the bride and groom's "day," but if you're inviting people to celebrate with you, you'd better damn well be willing to host them. Which means things like serving them more than crackers and cheese at a 5 hour reception, making sure your ceremony site can accommodate everyone, and you know, generally not being a crappy person or demonstrating you don't care about your guests.

SOs get invited, period. Even if the B&G haven't met them. It's not about the B&G, it's about the comfort of the guest. For some people, 5 months might be a short amount of time, and that person might not feel comfortable attending the wedding with their SO. But they should be given a choice. At 5 months, some people are already engaged/living together. Point is, it's not up to anyone else to judge the seriousness of the relationship. Also? A wedding is a celebration of a relationship. Judging another's relationship as "not serious enough" can't be very good karma.

We invited everyone to bring a guest. A friend of mine was actually dating someone at the time, but hadn't really told anyone because it was a same-sex relationship. I am SO GLAD I invited him to a bring a guest - he ended up bringing his boyfriend and basically coming out as bisexual at my wedding.

I do not think it's out of line to ask someone, "Hey, I saw I was the only one on the invitation. Was Mark invited too? I know people address invitations all kinds of ways and I didn't want to assume!" I mean, if they didn't invite your boyfriend, they're the rude one. You're just calling to clarify. Also, if my SO wasn't invited I would absolutely decline. He's more important to me than some cousin's wedding.

Totally disagree. So does Miss Manners, actually.
www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/miss-manners/article401431.ece


But she is disturbed at reasons Gentle Readers have given her for feeling that they must decline invitations to weddings that they would dearly like to attend.

The most common is from single people who complain that they wouldn’t enjoy themselves if they are not allowed to bring their own guests, because they won’t know anyone there. Miss Manners is not sympathetic, as she believes that wedding guests should be people who are invited, and who want to attend, because they actually care about the families being joined. And while the established partners of such people— meaning spouses, affianced spouses and para-spouses—must be included, caring or not, a wedding is not a dating opportunity.

She does, however, feel sorry for people who feel incapable of socializing with the friends of their friends. This is especially true for single people. Many a subsequent wedding resulted from meetings among wedding guests; weddings were considered prime occasions for single people to meet.

[ttt]

May 15, 2012 13:40:36 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

ETA: I also didn't have a "big budget" wedding. It was less than average. We ended up with 68 people there, including us. But it was super important to me to invite everyone with a guest and to have an open bar and a full meal. So hey, priorities. If your priorities are your dress or your flowers, well, I judge that.

I don't see why it's judge worthy to choose flowers over someone my college roommate has known for three months.

[msmerymac]

May 15, 2012 13:42:35 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

The key word in SO is "significant." Someone is not "significant" merely because you're sleeping with them.

No, but in the rest of the thread over on the old board, the OP said that the B&G knew she was in a relationship and had met her boyfriend. And then told her no AGAIN when she called to clarify. If someone is bringing someone around and introducing "my boyfriend," I see that as serious. As in, someone you want your friends to know since he'll be around for a while, hopefully. Or at the very least, you aren't embarrassed to be sleeping with him.

[Deleted]

Also, if you really won't be able to enjoy the wedding and be happy for the couple without bringing a friend, you should probably decline the invitation.

[ringstrue]

FWIW, the OP said this was a wedding in NYC - so she'd have to travel there, tho idk where from.

[ttt]

May 15, 2012 14:04:08 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

May 15, 2012 13:59:12 GMT -5 ttt said:

I don't see why it's judge worthy to choose flowers over someone my college roommate has known for three months.

I think that it's fine to make a choice the reflects what is important to you, but that doesn't make a different choice an etiquette faux pas. I was tired of going to weddings where the cake was an after thought that tasted like it was bought at Jewel and looked like 1500 other wedding cakes I'd seen on The Knot. Our cake was really important to us. If your cake wasn't important to you, are you rude? I mean, some of your guests might really like cake and you didn't put much thought into yours. Why didn't you think about your guests???

No. There are established rules, some of them are flexible, some of them are not, and there is no rule that your 19 year old cousin gets a +1 so that he can bring his college room mate to your open bar reception and not feel "alone" at your wedding. McGruff isn't there. You can talk to strangers, cuz.

Thank you.

Our cake was important to us too. And it was amazing.

But we also didn't have any guests who wanted to bring insignificant others, so...

[Deleted]

Oh dude, mrsmery, you for real don't know anyone who has no shame in their dating game?

I have known women who call anyone who returned their phone call a boyfriend.

[basilosaurus]

May 15, 2012 13:59:08 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

I don't think it's rude. Weddings cost a lot and budgets can be tight.
The seat/plate for your random dude to attend might have been used for another good friend.

Also, I never understand people who can't attend events without their SO. Maybe I've been single too long. *shrug*

I'm not single, but I agree. I've been to a number of weddings without H, and I manage just fine. And I'm even anti-social.

Sure, H makes it easier since he's so friendly and sociable, but if I'm there for a friend, I can get along just fine. It's about celebrating my friend, not making sure I have someone to gab with all night.

[ttt]

May 15, 2012 14:05:34 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

May 15, 2012 13:42:35 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

The key word in SO is "significant." Someone is not "significant" merely because you're sleeping with them.

No, but in the rest of the thread over on the old board, the OP said that the B&G knew she was in a relationship and had met her boyfriend. And then told her no AGAIN when she called to clarify. If someone is bringing someone around and introducing "my boyfriend," I see that as serious. As in, someone you want your friends to know since he'll be around for a while, hopefully. Or at the very least, you aren't embarrassed to be sleeping with him.

I don't think boyfriends are necessarily serious. Fiances and spouses are serious. And a boyfriend might be serious if it was someone you'd been with for a long time. But five months is not a long time.

And maybe the couple just couldn't stand the guy, who knows.

[msmerymac]

May 15, 2012 13:55:01 GMT -5 ttt said:

Totally disagree. So does Miss Manners, actually.
www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/miss-manners/article401431.ece


But she is disturbed at reasons Gentle Readers have given her for feeling that they must decline invitations to weddings that they would dearly like to attend.

The most common is from single people who complain that they wouldn’t enjoy themselves if they are not allowed to bring their own guests, because they won’t know anyone there. Miss Manners is not sympathetic, as she believes that wedding guests should be people who are invited, and who want to attend, because they actually care about the families being joined. And while the established partners of such people— meaning spouses, affianced spouses and para-spouses—must be included, caring or not, a wedding is not a dating opportunity.

She does, however, feel sorry for people who feel incapable of socializing with the friends of their friends. This is especially true for single people. Many a subsequent wedding resulted from meetings among wedding guests; weddings were considered prime occasions for single people to meet.

I DID say you don't have to invite single people to bring a random date. She also says that you do need to invite SOs.

As for whether or not I can attend an event without my spouse or SO - of course I can. That's akin to me saying I would side-eye a dry wedding in my family and someone saying, "OMG, you can't go without booze for ONE DAY?! What's wrong with you?" Nope, I go many days without drinking just fine. But in my family, it's expected that we have alcohol at get-togethers and celebrations, and even just dinner together with extended family. Anyway, I don't want to be invited without the "other part" of my couple to a function where other couples are invited, which is about a couple, and where there are couple-like things to do, such as slow dancing. If I'm not a part of a couple, that doesn't apply.

[DownToEarth]

May 15, 2012 13:42:35 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

May 15, 2012 13:40:36 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

I'll reiterate my response over there:

Absolutely anyone IN A RELATIONSHIP needs to have their SO invited. Random dates? No. (Unless the person is traveling or doesn't know anyone at the wedding - then it would be nice. Frankly, it's nice anyway, but not required by etiquette.) Etiquette actually says this. Sure, you can DO whatever you want, but it doesn't make it not rude.

The key word in SO is "significant." Someone is not "significant" merely because you're sleeping with them.

I think sometimes it's hard to read significant. To one person a 5-month relationship where they have met/visited with bride and groom might be significant while someone else might not feel that way. It's not a black-white decision. I'm surprised if someone asked, that a bride actually said "no" b/c I doubt someone would ask unless they really felt their date was significant.

[Deleted]

Well, good thing you aren't single then. You may as well kill yourself or at least bitch people out for having the nerve to invite you to a couples event when you are clearly not a couple.

The nerve of some people.

FWIW, I don't consider a wedding a couples' event. It's family/social gathering to celebrate one couple. It's not Married People's Day. It's a wedding, their wedding.

[basilosaurus]

I've never felt left out of a party b/c my partner wasn't there to slow dance with me.

Mery, you can claim this "it's just my thing" all you want, but when you shout IN A RELATIONSHIP you're being disingenuous. You're totally judging the shit out of people (as you acknowledged in your judging a dress or cake instead of a random flavor of the week). Just own it. I'll judge you for continuing to lecture us.

[Deleted]

and fuck slow dancing

[msmerymac]

May 15, 2012 14:07:47 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Oh dude, mrsmery, you for real don't know anyone who has no shame in their dating game?

I have known women who call anyone who returned their phone call a boyfriend.

I have a friend who moved in with a "boyfriend" after their first date. The guy appeared to be a total pushover because he had a close guy friend who was a coke fiend and a random stripper also living in his apartment. I felt bad for him. Anyway. Said friend ironically came to my wedding alone, having broken up with yet another guy a few weeks before. And was kind of mad that there weren't any straight guys at her table. BUT I did have to track her down and ask her if she was definitely bringing someone. That's the only reason I got a no.

I was also planning on HAVING to invite my BFF/BM's totally douchelord of a boyfriend. While this is obviously bad and not a "well, thankfully this happened" kind of thing, she ended up pressing charges against him for physical assault, getting a restraining order, and moving in to my apartment for 9 months. But hey, at least I didn't have to invite him... What's funny is that when I mentioned that at some point she said, "Wow, I can't believe you were going to invite him!"



Also, unrelated, my cake was fucking awesome!

[ringstrue]

May 15, 2012 14:11:01 GMT -5 @DownToEarth said:

May 15, 2012 13:42:35 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

The key word in SO is "significant." Someone is not "significant" merely because you're sleeping with them.

I think sometimes it's hard to read significant. To one person a 5-month relationship where they have met/visited with bride and groom might be significant while someone else might not feel that way. It's not a black-white decision. I'm surprised if someone asked, that a bride actually said "no" b/c I doubt someone would ask unless they really felt their date was significant.

ITA. We aren't debating whether or not a one night stand is invite-worthy or not. We are talking about a person in a 5 month relationship and this other person has met the marrying couple.

I wonder if something else is going on here. What sort of a bad impression did this boyfriend have to give the couple to be off the list even after the friend asked to bring him?

[Deleted]

Oh come on! It totally depends on the people. If met as in she's been bringing dude to church for the last five months is what we're talking about, then sure, invite the dude.

But if met means waved to him across the bar once, why should I?

And man, again, I'm amazed that some of you don't know of any questionable 5 month relationships.

[msmerymac]

May 15, 2012 14:13:54 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

May 15, 2012 14:05:34 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I really disagree with your logic. You had 68 people at your wedding, which is kind of a small wedding. In order to accommodate the +1s, what kind of people did you leave off the invite list. Family? High school friends? College friends? MIL's quilting bee? Where money and/or space are limited, the priority should be making sure that you can include as many people at your wedding as would legitimately like to see you get married. I can't see prioritizing a short-term boyfriend of a guest above a great aunt, or a close family friend.

If everyone had come and all the singles had brought a guest (fat chance) it would have been 135, I think. My mom has next to no family (I invited her mother's cousin and his wife and my mom's great-aunt, none of whom could attend, because they are seriously the only family she sees on a regular basis). My dad asked me to invite his living aunts and uncles, who total 5. None of them could come either. (It was a plane ride away for most people.) If I had invited my dad's cousins and their spouses, it would have been about 80+ people. I didn't want to, and my dad didn't want to, and I haven't seen most in almost 10 years. Plus, it was across the country from all of them, so it's not like they were offended. Apparently even with local weddings now, the cousins and spouses are invited, but no one from my generation, because then you end up with like 200 people from our family alone. And boy, does my family like weddings!

My husband and I each had like 8 family members. I only have one (widowed) aunt and one cousin. The rest were local friends, friends from college, and a few friends from high school.

My parents were cool that they didn't press me to invite random people. But they also didn't contribute to the wedding, so it totally wouldn't have been their place to do that.

Anyway, I didn't cut people I REALLY WANTED to be there to accommodate anyone's date. It just turned out there weren't that many people I really wanted to be there. And I do think I could have cut further. I tried to talk H into a Vegas wedding with like 30 people, but he wanted his pretty princess day, lol.

But in retrospect, there were things I could have cut down to budget for more people. I could have done my own flowers. I could have not hired the shitty shuttle I talked about in the horror story post, or the limo. I could have not paid for the BM dresses and tuxes. I could have not hired a DOC. I could have made my own invitations. I mean, I loved my invitations, but I don't think they were more important than allowing a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend to come. And like someone else said, if you have a big-budget wedding (especially black tie and make people rent tuxes) and then you don't invite SOs, or you have a cash bar, or something that basically affects the guests' pleasure, I side-eye it.

But I also feel like people are arguing both sides of this. You're saying you had a lot of people, so it would have been hard to accommodate even more. Sibil is saying she only had a handful of people, so she purposefully wouldn't have wanted to accommodate more. However, it seems moot, since you said you basically did invite people with SOs, and I assume Sibil invited only people who were really close to her and probably invited the spouses of the people she invited if they had them, you know?

[basilosaurus]

Despite my small wedding, I absolutely would have invited a 5 month boyfriend if it was important to my friend. If you tell me about a guy you're into before my wedding, he's invited. If you get an invitation and then ask to bring a guest, no, probably not.

But that's the nice thing about having a small guest list. I was close enough with everyone I invited (maybe 50 people?) to know whether someone was significant or not.

And, yes, I'm still laughing about the "and guest" from H's cousin's wedding since we were already living together and engaged. They certainly wanted to invite me, but it didn't occur to anyone to ask my name I guess. It was the first time I would have met his mom, too, even though she had to cancel last minute. I literally met the woman 2 nights before our wedding. She was awesome.

[ttt]

Space or not, I'm not inviting anybody whose name I don't even know to my wedding.

[dev22]

May 15, 2012 10:02:30 GMT -5 ttt said:

There's a discussion on the old board about whether it's rude to invite someone to your wedding without a +1. I'd rather talk about it here and not give the Nest the traffic. So, what say you?

Wedding invite without guest?
posted at 5/14/2012 09:09:59 AM EST on thenest.com
BlackStallion
BlackStallion
Joined on 09/23/2006
Total posts: 132

WTF! I have never heard of such a thing. I got invited to a wedding in NYC (very formal) and I cannot bring my BF that I have been dating since January. I may not go. Has anyone heard of such a thing?




My opinion is that you are not obligated to invite strangers to your wedding and that it's totally acceptable not to include a boyfriend of 5 months in a wedding invite. What is the big deal about attending a wedding by yourself?? You go, be social, meet new people.

If I knew my friend or family member had a serious significant other I would invite them. But we did not do automatic plus ones.