Wedding etiquette

[ttt]

There's a discussion on the old board about whether it's rude to invite someone to your wedding without a +1. I'd rather talk about it here and not give the Nest the traffic. So, what say you?

Wedding invite without guest?
posted at 5/14/2012 09:09:59 AM EST on thenest.com
BlackStallion
BlackStallion
Joined on 09/23/2006
Total posts: 132

WTF! I have never heard of such a thing. I got invited to a wedding in NYC (very formal) and I cannot bring my BF that I have been dating since January. I may not go. Has anyone heard of such a thing?




My opinion is that you are not obligated to invite strangers to your wedding and that it's totally acceptable not to include a boyfriend of 5 months in a wedding invite. What is the big deal about attending a wedding by yourself?? You go, be social, meet new people.

[iammalcolmx]

I told the person to not go. People are not obligated to invite boyfriends and I don't need to go to wedding without my boyfriend if I don't think it will be fun without him. There is one wedding I would have skipped last year if H wasn't invited. Yeah yeah yeah, I know H =/= BF but still sometimes you need someone there with you.

[cookiemdough]

If it was a serious boyfriend then I would probably invite them. If it was the flavor of the month, then no. But in general I think it is almost worst for the significant other to go to a wedding where they don't really know anyone. they aren't comfortable and then you spend the whole time making sure they are mingling, etc.

[ttt]

Yeah, I guess it depends on the wedding. But if it's going to be a hassle to go alone, just don't go. I don't think it was rude of them not to invite him.

I still think it's rude to call up the bride and groom and ask if you can bring someone who wasn't invited, though. Especially if it's a super fancy/super expensive wedding.

[marie427]

In general, it's not rude as long as you're consistent with how you do it. We did invite everyone with a +1 but if money were a bigger issue, we would have invited only spouses/fiances/partners/longtime SOs that we knew.

The only time when I think it's rude not to invite with a +1 is if that person you invite without a +1 doesn't know anyone else at the wedding except for the bride and/or groom.

[secretlyevil]

I'll summarize what I said over there. It's not about you, it's about them. If you were living together, in a long-term relationship or engaged, that's one thing but they are under no obligation to give you a plus one for a guy you've been dating for five months. I'm pretty sure they already had guest list, etc. done before you even met five-month bf.

[Deleted]

I don't think it is rude as long as you are consistent. A SO of 5 months wouldn't be a given for me, particularly if you are concerned about money.

However. If it is a formal, fancy, expensive wedding, I might be a little dismayed. We didn't invite +1s, but it was obvious we were going for a budget friendly affair. I had cousins I couldn't afford to invite---no, your flavor of the month can't come either. But when you have a balls-out fancy reception, and then have cash bar or don't invite +1s, I side-eye that.

I would never call to ask if someone was invited though. That is definitely rude.

[ChillyMcFreeze]

We were totally inconsistent with our +1s. Long-term SOs that we knew were invited. If we didn't know they were dating someone, we didn't automatically write +1. But if the guest wouldn't know many people at the wedding--like my HS friend--we allowed a +1.

[broc]

The fact that they've been dating a scant 5 months and she's completely affronted that there's no +1 makes me think she's an irrational beebee I probably wouldn't want coming anyway.

[feedthecrocs]

Inviting a plus one is the polite thing to do in an ideal situation. But sometimes there are space issues or other factors. Five months isn't that long of a relationship, and maybe the OP is someone who falls madly in love with everyone that they date and then breaks up with them six months later. I'm with the bride and groom on this one and that the OP was very rude for asking if he could go.

[redheadbaker]

If it was a family wedding, I'd have no problem going alone.

If it was a friend's wedding, it would depend on how close we were, and how many other guests I would know. I'm a pretty shy person, and don't tend to initiate conversation with people I don't know.

The bride and groom are not obligated to invite everyone with a date, and likewise, no one is obligated to attend the wedding. It's not a subpoena. If you don't think you'd have fun going alone, don't go.

[wawa]

I'm not sure I'd call it rude, but I kind of can't fathom doing it. We invited everybody to our wedding with a +1 (or with their boyfriend/girlfriend invited by name if we knew it) because it's just...what you do.

I dunno...it's right up there with cash bar and honeymoon funds. I don't get it. I'm not full on offended by it, but I'll give a bit of a raised eyebrow.

Unless there was a serious logistical issue, or I actually just didn't like that person so much, I'd still attend. And I certainly wouldn't badger the couple about whether a slot had opened up for my BF. That is rude.

[marie427]

May 15, 2012 10:21:00 GMT -5 ChillyMcFreeze said:

We were totally inconsistent with our +1s. Long-term SOs that we knew were invited. If we didn't know they were dating someone, we didn't automatically write +1. But if the guest wouldn't know many people at the wedding--like my HS friend--we allowed a +1.

That's consistent to me! Inconsistent would be if you invited some people you knew weren't dating anyone with a +1 but not others.

[ttt]

On a related note, I just don't get why single people don't want to attend weddings alone. What better place to meet someone??

[marie427]

May 15, 2012 10:24:33 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Weddings are so weird. I remain convinced that they bring out the absolute worst in pretty much everyone, bride, groom, guests, family, bridal party.

So true. Every wedding I've been to (including mine) had something really bizarre happen, even if it was behind-the-scenes so that only a few people at the wedding knew what was going on.

[basilosaurus]

Invite the +1 if they're in a relationship. Don't invite a +1 just so a guest can find a date to bring like a sorority function. Most people have enough single friends to sit them together where they can find their own fun. I've never had a problem being a single guest, even at events I went to without H.

I'm still tickled that at H's cousin's wedding, I was "and guest." I'd met these people, been dating H for 2 years, was engaged, and living together. We got a married a month after they did, and still I was "and guest." Lol.

[doctorwho]

At an avg of over $100 per head for just the plate, fuck no. 1 year rule is a RULE, not a guideline.

Eta - its the formality itself that makes it prohibitive. You have to add on bar, dessert tables, specialty cocktail hour tables, favors....and if you are among the first of your friends to marry, thats a lot of +1s. We had at least 25 invited. 25x150= hell to the no are you bringing some guy you just started shtupping.

[moomeek]

We were cool with +1 for anyone. My sis brought her bf of two months and a good friend brought his gc of five months. Both couples got married last year. Just because it's a new relationship doesn't mean it's not serious.

[Mrs.Beagle]

If we knew they were dating someone, they got a +1. If we knew that they were single, they were invited alone.

[heyjude]

I lost a friend over this very issue. He wasn't in a relationship. He wanted to bring a roommate. I told him no. Yes. I'm a B.

[debatethis]

May 15, 2012 10:10:44 GMT -5 @majorwife said:

I thought the rule was a BF/GF of less than one year didn't get an invite. It is a wedding; not prom.

IDK if it's an actual "rule" but this was the policy we used as well.

[MrsDL]

We did plus 1 for anyone who was not in a relationship. We allowed the wedding party to bring a plus one if they wanted - the only one who did was H's GM, he brought a lady he had just started dating (we had bets on whether he'd show up with her as we had never known him to date a single person and she had a very weird made-up sounding name). I remember telling H that if didn't show-up with somebody named "weird-sounding made-up name" I'd strangle him. They are getting married next month after 4 years together.

Some people were pissed, H's cousin didn't show (and I know it was over that) but RSVP'd he would be there, so we paid for his sorry ass. Like others have said, weddings can cost a fortune. I wasn't about to pay for strangers and not invite others I really wanted there just to do a plus one for everyone. We also did no kids which most were fine with except for one person who got over it quickly once she realized we were not making an exception.

[Deleted]

It really just depends on the wedding. If you're having a small, family affair with 30 people, no, I'm not inviting the dude you just started fucking recently and I don't give a shit if you're my own sister and he's the love of your life. It's my damned wedding and if you really can't bear to spend one evening without your lover attached to your hip, screw.you.

Hell, even a large ass wedding with a million people I'm obligated to invite still won't guarantee your new piece is getting an invite.

IMO, if I don't know the name of the person you're dating, don't recognize their face, you can come without them. And if you can't, you're pathetic. YWIA!

[PinkSquirrel]

We didn't do random +1's at our wedding. We were tight on space and frankly I didn't want to look back and have random people I didn't know in my pictures. Our guidelines were the same for everyone, if you're in a long term relationship be that engaged, married what have you then that person can come. Flavor of the months were not invited and really, most of my guests knew a ton of other people there so it wasn't a big deal. There was one exception made for someone that didn't know anyone else and I didn't want them to be uncomfortable.

I only had one person complain ... my 15 year old cousin who wanted to bring his girlfriend. They seriously called and asked my Mom at least twice a week and eventually I said I don't care if we do have space, it's not happening. Especially because she was the reason he missed my Aunts funeral (well they showed up right at the end). In the end, he just didn't show up even though he RSVP'd yes ... the little shitstain.

[ladybug2002]

I did not invite +1 for everyone. We had space limitations so I had to put a priority on inviting my own family and friends before people I did not know. Anyone in a relationship was invited together, but we generally knew both halves of the couple so that was a non-issue.

I found out after the wedding that my friend had been dating a guy she later married for a few months, and I felt bad about that, but I didn't know he existed at that point so oh well.

[blindyswife]

I don't think it's rude at all. Especially, as others have said, if she already knows people who will be there. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to attend.

[pescalita]

Maybe it was because we were married at 22, but we didn't really have anyone we thought would bring a +1, and since we didn't have extra space, we left it out. It was mostly cousins who would come with their families, not a date, and high school/college friends who were used to hanging out together sans date.

BigT did have one cousin who turned out to have a long term GF we didnt know about. Uncle called up and asked if she could come and I said no prob, sorry for the exclusion. NBD.

[jupiter2328]

We did +1 when someone was in a relationship, no matter how long. Single people were not invited with a +1 (but they were all friends so it was fine).

What pissed me off was when I invited my childhood BFF (we weren't close anymore but I still wanted her there). I also invited her 6 year old daughter. She said they were coming, and I told her that we had kids meals for the children. She insisted that her daughter loved to eat, so order her a prime rib (or the seafood, cant remember now. It was expensive, whatever it was.) I was hesitant but she insisted. So whatever, fine, I did it. Can you guess where this is going? Yeah, they never showed. And I didn't hear from her again for two years.

[eclaires]

We invited everyone with a +1. But I was a total baby bride (23 when we got married), my parents were footing the bill, my family is enormous anyway (so we were already using a large venue/church), and we got a lot of discounts b/c my mom owned a catering business and not only did we get a discount there, we also got discounts from all her vendor friends. So money wasn't really an issue.

I think it's reasonable to limit +1s though - esp if you are talking about some random date for someone who is going to know everyone there. My MIL was all freaked out about my BIL's best friend from growing up at his wedding a few weeks ago b/c his wife couldn't come with him. She kept telling the GROOM (BIL) that he HAD BETTER PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO HIM since his wife wasn't going to be there. Uh, first of all, he knows all of BIL's friends. Second of all, he knows BIL's siblings (and their spouses) very well b/c his parents live next door to my ILs. Seriously, my MIL was crazy about it like he was the most important person at the wedding. It was bizarre.

[basilosaurus]

eclaires, I wish H would have gone by himself to one of the weddings.

It was a 90 minute Catholic ceremony, full of how women are supposed to be subservient baby makers. H was one of 14 groomsmen, I'm there by myself many rows back. (edit: I forgot, there were some choice words about how the non-Catholics are going to hell)

I would have skipped it, except H flew all the way in from Japan for it, and I was living in CO, so it was the only chance I'd had to see him in a few months. It suuuuucked.