I had to have a conversation about my MIL giving G her sugar free treats. Thankfully, for the most part, she is really good about. I'm sorry your parents are being dopes. I hope they wise up soon.
Post by usuallylurking on Jul 1, 2014 12:34:53 GMT -5
Yes, grandparents are so weird about food! It's also really easy for them to forget what it was like to have a 6 month old. I think it's very easy, 20-30 years later, to meld together a 1 year old, or even older, to what they equate their 6 month old grandchild to. It's easy to forget what it was like to have a kid who gets overtired, or wakes up at the same time every morning, and that wearing them out/keeping them up late doesn't mean "boy they'll sleep good tonight!" My MIL was how you're describing your dad - wanted to always keep DS1 up late, shamed me for being too rigid, called me uptight, fed him food and wasn't going to tell us - until I found it on the side of his face and asked specifically about it. It was exhausting. Hopefully because they're your parents they will understand what you're asking.
You are not being irrational. There is no set of circumstances in which it is okay for a person to secretively feed something to, or do something with a child after the parent has specifically asked them not to. And it is certainly not okay to not tell you (that is the part that bugs me most). What if he had a reaction later and you didn't know what caused it?
I won't fuel your fire because they are your parents and I'm sure they are excited, but don't feel bad about being upset with them. You are in the right.
I'm more eh about this. Maybe it's because my kids grandparents are rarely involved. I think it's great they want to be there maybe they just need to be reminded of boundaries.
If they knew you did not want him to have something and did anyway that is crossing a line. If they did something that they did not know you did not want then that is them being Grandparents. I am lax about things my Parents do for and with my kids because I figure thay have not killed any of us kids(4) or the other grandkids(11). I am also a older mother (41) who has already raised 2 to adulthood. Parents have it hard sometimes with Grandparents and we did too. DD2 was adopted at 26 months and her bio Grandparents had raised her from birth. Bio Grandmother came to live with us to transition DD2 into our home and it was hard at times. DD2 was still on taking formuala at 26 months...... and she did not have any health issues that she needed it. DD2 would throw-up several times a night, I believe from that settling on her stomach as she slept. We did what her Grandmother wanted when she was around and what we wanted when she left. We took the bottle away and did not give her milk at night and everyone slept better. I would speak to your parents about your feeling then go from there.
"Mom/Dad - I know you love E more than anything and I'm so happy that you're building such a great relationship with him. But, I spoke with Dr.MyPedi and we have a plan for introducing food to him. Please do not give him anything without my persmission first."
Introducing new foods to an infant is a BIG deal and there is much more knowledge about food allergies now then there was when you were a child. I would be PISSED to the point of them not getting unsupervised time with my child. It's a safety issue for your kid at this point. Not to mention, they got all the first with you when you were a kid - this is your chance to do that with your child. They are NOT the parents.
I would pretty strict about the schedule as well; you know the needs of your child. They shouldn't be trying to alter that and should be respecting you as a parent.
If you don't get this under control now, you never will. You have to stand up for yourself, your family and your kid.
Your kid, your rules. If they can't follow them then I wouldn't let them watch him alone. You know your kid better than anyone else, how he reacts, what happens when he stays up late or doesn't get naps so it is easy for anyone else to say, "oh I will just keep him up late" because they don't have to deal with a screaming baby the next day.
Aren't babies supposed to avoid dairy? Or is yogurt okay? It's been a while since I had an infant.
To solve the problem, don't use your parents for childcare.
this is horrible advice. I'm sure the grandparents would LOVE to know they can't watch their grandson because they can't follow the directions of the parents.
I'd rather have them upset with me being strict over bedtimes and food than to not let them babysit.
Do you think there's any possibility that any of this stems from the fact that you and your husband are hearing impaired and they are not (they aren't, right?)? Like, in addition to them being grandparents for the first time they're also having trouble stepping out of a really interventionist role in your lives. Not that you need them to survive, but I'm sure negotiating the deaf world as a hearing person on behalf of your child puts you in mamabear mode on steroids.
THIS DOESN'T EXCUSE A DAMN THING, but if you think it's feeding into their bullheaded insistence on taking over parenting your child, you can address it more directly. Like, mom, dad, mil, we appreciate how hard you all had to work to raise us but we're all grown up and great now so BACK THE FUCK OFF BEFORE WE KILL YOU.
If we have a kid, my MIL will be watched like a hawk because she has flat out said that she doesn't need to listen to the parents because she is the grandma and she can do what she wants. Um whut? No way crazy lady.
This is a big reason why her oldest son has almost no contact with her anymore. When his kid were little, she constantly did whatever she wanted even if she had been told no by the parents. By the time the kid was 5, they had enough and cut her off. Relationship was never the same again. Though to hear her tell the story, she has "no idea" why they got so mad. (insert eye roll here).
When I read stuff like this, it makes me a feel a little better that I don't have family around. At least I won't have to worry about this kind of stuff.
It's a blessing and a curse I guess. I'm sorry, mekia. Team you.
You are not overreacting at all. It doesn't matter if you are being overprotective or not (FTR I don't think you are with introducing foods slowly) he is your child you get to make the rules. I know my parents think I am nuts particularly with the food stuff but also with other parts of my parenting with DS. However, they respect my wishes. That is the important part you need to get through. They don't have to agree with you but they need to do as you and your DH wish or they risk losing alone time with E. I know it is weird because they are your parents but you won't regret setting up the boundaries now.
Aren't babies supposed to avoid dairy? Or is yogurt okay? It's been a while since I had an infant.
To solve the problem, don't use your parents for childcare.
this is horrible advice. I'm sure the grandparents would LOVE to know they can't watch their grandson because they can't follow the directions of the parents.
I'd rather have them upset with me being strict over bedtimes and food than to not let them babysit.
Being upset is fine, but admitting to going against my wishes and being deceptive about it is what would sever that babysitting relationship.
I know that they think we are being silly/rigid and I don't like that.
They probably do. They can deal. Part of parenting that I find occasionally challenging is to be unconcerned with what other people think about my parenting choices. Including family. I act very no regrets chicken in front of them, but often will hash things out again with my husband in private to reassure myself that yes, we're right, they're wrong, we're the bosses even if we are wrong, we're coming for a good, educated place, and they can kiss our collective grits.
I remember my mom criticizing me for not cutting L's hair because she thought her baby wisps looked messy and were in her eyes. She told me to "give that baby some bangs." I said "no, I don't want her to have bangs" all tough, but then spent the rest of the weekend chasing L around with a hair clip trying to neaten her up until my husband pulled me aside to tell me to LET IT GO. Ha.
My MIL did similar things when Ben was a baby and I was livid. But she lives across the country, so it wasn't an issue really. I'm a lot more laid back with the second kid and if someone gave her yogurt, I'd just add that to the list of things that picker eater likes. You're being a tad uptight, but that's totally your right as his parent and they need to respect that. It's better to set the boundaries now before it gets out of hand.
I'm team you. I don't believe grandparents get carte blanche to just do what they want to do because "they are the grandparents".
Even if you wouldn't actually not let them babysit, I might at least tell them that this makes you want to CONSIDER not letting them babysit. You NEED to be able to trust whoever you trust your baby too. You want to be able to trust them and you want them to have that one on one time with E. BUT it has to be under YOUR guidance.
Post by kellykapowski on Jul 1, 2014 13:10:44 GMT -5
Grandparents are generally assholes. My MIL insists on not listening to a word I say about my kids. DD1 is sensitive to strawberries. She gets canker soars in her mouth if she eats them. Canker sores hurt like hell. H & I have told her no less than 100 times that DD1 is not allowed to eat strawberries. She's not going to die or anything, but canker sores SUCK!! Every.single.time. DD goes over there, she eats strawberries. Every single time, she ends up miserable for weeks with canker sores. FUCK.
My mom is no different. She insists DD2 is too chunky. Yet she gets pissed that I still haven't opted to feed her solids 3 times a day. One time a day is not enough, she says. She's never going to learn, she says. SHUT THE HELL UP MOM! She's too fat yet not fed enough all at the same time. JUST SHUT UP!
But also keep in mind they are new at this grandparent business, so it's a learning experience for all of you. Be patient and polite, but stand your ground.
If things get really bad, then feel free to flip your shit. lol
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Post by speckledfrog on Jul 1, 2014 13:19:03 GMT -5
I do think it is a first time mom thing, and that's okay. Almost every single mom feels that way the first time around (and sometimes the second, third, etc time around as well) It is absolutely okay to want to control what goes into your child's body. I understand that this is more about them being sneaky and feeling like they can override your parenting choices. I think you need to make it quite clear to them that you understand that grandparents like to spoil their grandchildren and they will have the opportunity later but right now, at this young and delicate age, that they must absolutely follow what you say or it will damage their relationship with you.
Grandparents are generally assholes. My MIL insists on not listening to a word I say about my kids. DD1 is sensitive to strawberries. She gets canker soars in her mouth if she eats them. Canker soars hurt like hell. H & I have told her no less than 100 times that DD1 is not allowed to eat strawberries. She's not going to die or anything, but canker soars SUCK!! Every.single.time. DD goes over there, she eats strawberries. Every single time, she ends up miserable for weeks with canker soars. FUCK.
My mom is no different. She insists DD2 is too chunky. Yet she gets pissed that I still haven't opted to feed her solids 3 times a day. One time a day is not enough, she says. She's never going to learn, she says. SHUT THE HELL UP MOM! She's too fat yet not fed enough all at the same time. JUST SHUT UP!
Holy shit. I bet your MIL is an asshole to begin with. I think asshole people make asshole grandparents. My MIL and my mom do things I don't love but they aren't assholes and they don't do things that hurt my children.
This! FIL in particular was obsessed with getting DD to eat dessert. If she is happy eating her green beans why would I push her to eat a piece of cake or ice cream? Fortunately, both Grandmas were respectful, I'm sure they didn't completely agree with all our choices but they kept their opinions to themselves and went along with our wishes.