I'm more meh about things like this. I'd be pissed that my wishes weren't followed but I'd do what you've done. Have a talk and move forward. With food I was dead set on certain things she couldn't have. Then when the first incident happened and DD was fine it kind of made me more relaxed. If it bothers you though then this is your right to feel that way as E's mother. Just as your parents got with you and their parenting decisions towards you.
Sorry this happened but I'm glad you were able to have a talk. Her side comment about the firsts aside, because while she's right she clearly doesn't get that, that statement applies to firsts out of your and your Dh's control.
Grandparents are generally assholes. My MIL insists on not listening to a word I say about my kids. DD1 is sensitive to strawberries. She gets canker soars in her mouth if she eats them. Canker sores hurt like hell. H & I have told her no less than 100 times that DD1 is not allowed to eat strawberries. She's not going to die or anything, but canker sores SUCK!! Every.single.time. DD goes over there, she eats strawberries. Every single time, she ends up miserable for weeks with canker sores. FUCK.
My mom is no different. She insists DD2 is too chunky. Yet she gets pissed that I still haven't opted to feed her solids 3 times a day. One time a day is not enough, she says. She's never going to learn, she says. SHUT THE HELL UP MOM! She's too fat yet not fed enough all at the same time. JUST SHUT UP!
ETA I'm stupid and spelled sores wrong. Bleh.
She thinks your EIGHT MONTH OLD is overweight??? Holy crap.
Team Mekia. I can see how your previous relationship with your dad might make him less respectful because he wants to prove he is "right." I think you need to set the boundary that this is no longer a competition, or an argument, or whatever was going on between you two. You are now a parent, the primary decision-maker for this little person, not him. Your rules now, not his.
Grandparents are generally assholes. My MIL insists on not listening to a word I say about my kids. DD1 is sensitive to strawberries. She gets canker soars in her mouth if she eats them. Canker sores hurt like hell. H & I have told her no less than 100 times that DD1 is not allowed to eat strawberries. She's not going to die or anything, but canker sores SUCK!! Every.single.time. DD goes over there, she eats strawberries. Every single time, she ends up miserable for weeks with canker sores. FUCK.
My mom is no different. She insists DD2 is too chunky. Yet she gets pissed that I still haven't opted to feed her solids 3 times a day. One time a day is not enough, she says. She's never going to learn, she says. SHUT THE HELL UP MOM! She's too fat yet not fed enough all at the same time. JUST SHUT UP!
ETA I'm stupid and spelled sores wrong. Bleh.
She thinks your EIGHT MONTH OLD is overweight??? Holy crap.
Yes. Yes she does. Because she's in the 97th percentile for weight and clearly that must mean the BABY is fat. (insert eye rolly guy here.)
My mom has issues with food, though. Because again, she's also concerned I'm not feeding her enough.
I guess my mom just has issues with brains, really.
Team you, for sure. My MIL is very "her house, her rules" with regards to most things and I do not at all disagree with that but she also knows there is a line and if H and I do not want it/allow it, she does not cross that line.
Your parent are 100% disrespecting and undermining you. Completely not fair to you and your H. It would be different if E was 5 and they were slipping him a cupcake for lunch or something - I would tell you to get over it in that case because that is the fun of being a grandparent. However, with this situation, they need to respect that you are E's parents and you get to dictate his food and bedtime routines. Stand your ground and tell them that they are not respecting you as an adult and as his parent.
Your kid, your rules. They want to feed a kid whatever they want? They can make another kid. They don't get to play the "We're your parents, you have to obey us in how to raise your kid" and you should not be 'looking up to them' in this regard. You're the one who has to deal with a constipated, pukey, non-napping screaming kid if their food choices screw things up.
Time for a gentle but firm 'come to jesus' with the grandparents. Are you being a nervous FTM? Possibly. You get to be. Are you right in saying you decide what that kid eats? ABSOLUTELY. Don't fuck around with this.
I was going to say "you want to parent a child however you want? HAVE ANOTHER KID. This one is MINE. Stop trying to overrule my parenting and choices for DS. DO NOT TEST ME ON THIS."
I swear my parents are totally afraid of me when it comes to my kid. I recently heard my dad say to my mom "don't do ___. She won't bring him over anymore!"**
**I'd never do that to them, unless they really harmed DS, which they would not, but I like that I've struck the fear of God in them like that.
I would not leave my child with someone who didn't respect my rules. These might be "little" things to some, but it's going to be bigger things later if you don't nip it in the bud.
I'd tell them they won't be watching DD for awhile. I'd go over and visit with her, but I'd tell them that you need to build the trust up again.
You need to assert your boundaries, NOW, while it is still little things.
And don't argue with him over things. You don't actually have to explain your reasoning to anyone. "Because that is the choice DH and I are making as her parents" is a perfectly acceptable response to any argument.
I agree with this.
I have three and my oldest is 15, so I'm not a nervous first time mom, but I do have an anxiety disorder, and I fear that this makes mil and my mom less likely to abide my wishes. Like they'll brush things off as me being nervous me, and not take me seriously. I do have to limit who cares for my kids due to the anxiety and this only harms me (I could have much more time to myself ). I don't limit grandparent time with them , it just that we do things together more than they babysit. Don't get me wrong, they do sometimes babysit, I'm not crazy and don't let anyone else with them, it's just that I reserve it for things I have to do and I could have a lot more extra time if I let them babysit, just because. Know what I mean?
So I understand your concern that they think you're just being a nervous ftm. I would talk to them and see how they'll understand that you are firm on this, and do not at all want to have this be an on going issue. You HAVE to be able to trust the people you leave your kids with, and if they can't understand that, you have to know you're not the one who's wrong there, ok.
But also keep in mind they are new at this grandparent business, so it's a learning experience for all of you. Be patient and polite, but stand your ground.
This is the stance I've taken with my parents. Like yours mekiakoo, they're first time grandparents and so excited they don't know what to do with themselves. Me getting fired up about something (like asking to give AJ ice cream repeatedly) gets me written off as the overprotective mom and kicks their temptation to spoil him into high gear, but calmly and firmly telling them that we will try it when we feel AJ's ready gets them to back off after a couple of tries. Whereas SMIL would do whatever the F she wants while FIL doesn't speak up even though he knows I'll be pissed. That's one of the many reasons they don't babysit AJ (besides the fact that SMIL is an alcoholic).
Post by trafficgirl on Jul 1, 2014 14:52:17 GMT -5
Just reiterating you're not overreacting. Your kids, your rules.
My parents are pretty good about stuff like this, but my MIL is constantly making comments about the different things the babies should be eating, or how much.
I don't think she'd ever give them something behind my back though, because otherwise I wouldn't let them see the boys without my supervision.
Grandparents are generally assholes. My MIL insists on not listening to a word I say about my kids. DD1 is sensitive to strawberries. She gets canker soars in her mouth if she eats them. Canker sores hurt like hell. H & I have told her no less than 100 times that DD1 is not allowed to eat strawberries. She's not going to die or anything, but canker sores SUCK!! Every.single.time. DD goes over there, she eats strawberries. Every single time, she ends up miserable for weeks with canker sores. FUCK.
My mom is no different. She insists DD2 is too chunky. Yet she gets pissed that I still haven't opted to feed her solids 3 times a day. One time a day is not enough, she says. She's never going to learn, she says. SHUT THE HELL UP MOM! She's too fat yet not fed enough all at the same time. JUST SHUT UP!
ETA I'm stupid and spelled sores wrong. Bleh.
Based on your Sig, we had babies the same day. My kiddo 28 pounds and it's rare he gets solids more than once a day at this stage. Tell your mom to shove it.
Grandparents are generally assholes. My MIL insists on not listening to a word I say about my kids. DD1 is sensitive to strawberries. She gets canker soars in her mouth if she eats them. Canker sores hurt like hell. H & I have told her no less than 100 times that DD1 is not allowed to eat strawberries. She's not going to die or anything, but canker sores SUCK!! Every.single.time. DD goes over there, she eats strawberries. Every single time, she ends up miserable for weeks with canker sores. FUCK.
My mom is no different. She insists DD2 is too chunky. Yet she gets pissed that I still haven't opted to feed her solids 3 times a day. One time a day is not enough, she says. She's never going to learn, she says. SHUT THE HELL UP MOM! She's too fat yet not fed enough all at the same time. JUST SHUT UP!
ETA I'm stupid and spelled sores wrong. Bleh.
Based on your Sig, we had babies the same day. My kiddo 28 pounds and it's rare he gets solids more than once a day at this stage. Tell your mom to shove it.
My ILs are awful and so this kind of stuff on purpose. For this reason they have never watched my kids (and my oldest is 6).
So clearly I am big on boundaries and violations. However, I would back off on this one a bit. The part that makes me say that is that it sounds like they were giving it to him because he wouldn't eat his bottles, not intentionally to spite you. I would just have a plan in place for the future for them if he doesn't eat what you send/have prepared. Also, for the swing/schedule thing...try to give it a break or schedule it before dinner, etc... I know if you keep them up late it is rough, but it doesn't sound like this would be a long time.
I would go back to your mom and tell her you understand she was just concerned he was not eating, and if that happens again just give him fruits/veggies (whatever you are comfortable with). It sounds like you are used to them setting the limits and this is a situation where it is reversed so you both have to work through it. It doesn't sound like they were really trying to spite you (but they did know you wouldn't be happy).
But my perspective is different because my ILs suck so bad that this is actually minor to me! Good luck.
My parents roll over my sister. She gives up around them and my parents are very happy to parent her kids.
I made it clear, like you, that we are the parents. They shaped up. They never LIKED it, but they accepted it. They don't have to like or agree with it - they just have to do it.
Years later, they are still bossing my sister around. Not me!
You get to pick your battles. If you can't trust your parents alone with your child, hire someone you can trust and restrict their access to when you can police them.
Grandparents are generally assholes. My MIL insists on not listening to a word I say about my kids. DD1 is sensitive to strawberries. She gets canker soars in her mouth if she eats them. Canker sores hurt like hell. H & I have told her no less than 100 times that DD1 is not allowed to eat strawberries. She's not going to die or anything, but canker sores SUCK!! Every.single.time. DD goes over there, she eats strawberries. Every single time, she ends up miserable for weeks with canker sores. FUCK.
My mom is no different. She insists DD2 is too chunky. Yet she gets pissed that I still haven't opted to feed her solids 3 times a day. One time a day is not enough, she says. She's never going to learn, she says. SHUT THE HELL UP MOM! She's too fat yet not fed enough all at the same time. JUST SHUT UP!
ETA I'm stupid and spelled sores wrong. Bleh.
Shut that shit DOWN. It's all fun and games with a baby (ok, actually it's not) but even a two or three year old would hear that and start to internalize it which is no bueno. That's just an ED waiting to happen.
It's never fun and games in my book. I have been adamant that she knock this shit off. My baby is breastfed for fucks sake. It's not like I can control how many calories my milk has. Plus also, babies are chunky. My brother was a big ball of chunky love. And now he's a thin, healthy guy. She knows better. She's just a jerk sometimes. But believe me, don't mess with my babies. It won't not pretty.
My parents roll over my sister. She gives up around them and my parents are very happy to parent her kids.
I made it clear, like you, that we are the parents. They shaped up. They never LIKED it, but they accepted it. They don't have to like or agree with it - they just have to do it. And you have to get past that feeling of pleasing them or having them agree with you. They won't.
Years later, they are still bossing my sister around. Not me!
If you indicated that you didn't want your parents feeding certain foods to your baby, they should've respected that. I also find it rather dismaying that they not only fed your baby said verboten food, but they also planned to hide that fact from you.
The swing situation does not seem as severe to me. We all have some variation in our lives, babies included.
Not over reacting. As you told them, if you don't follow the schedule you've set up E is a beast and you have to deal with the fallout not them. Not Cool Grandparents. As for the food, yeah they need to listen to you. I think its a generational thing, as in "we fed you cheese and crackers at 2 weeks old and you're fine" routine. "Ok well ya know what Mom, I'm doing it different and its not hurting my child and is done in his best interest so please respect my boundaries or F off" (You might want to phrase that nicer). I'm very lucky that my Dad runs interference for me with my mother and when she tries to give my DD stuff I said was off limits Dad shuts it down.
Grandparents are generally assholes. My MIL insists on not listening to a word I say about my kids. DD1 is sensitive to strawberries. She gets canker soars in her mouth if she eats them. Canker sores hurt like hell. H & I have told her no less than 100 times that DD1 is not allowed to eat strawberries. She's not going to die or anything, but canker sores SUCK!! Every.single.time. DD goes over there, she eats strawberries. Every single time, she ends up miserable for weeks with canker sores. FUCK.
My mom is no different. She insists DD2 is too chunky. Yet she gets pissed that I still haven't opted to feed her solids 3 times a day. One time a day is not enough, she says. She's never going to learn, she says. SHUT THE HELL UP MOM! She's too fat yet not fed enough all at the same time. JUST SHUT UP!
ETA I'm stupid and spelled sores wrong. Bleh.
I think I would send her a picture of DD's mouth if you can see the canker sores. with the caption "Thanks Grandma"