If your spouse is in recovery and you are not

[malibu]

I can post more when I'm out of the meeting I'm going into now, but yes. I have dealt with this nearly our entire marriage. I rarely drink, and if I do, it's out with friends. I do not keep alcohol in the house for fear of temptation for him. Not that he's a wine drinker, but if he was desperate, he likely wouldn't care what the drink was.

[flex]

Evelyn: if your DH tells you he doesn't mind, he means it. If a person is actively in recovery, it doesn't matter if other people are drinking around them. When we are in recovery, we can actively participate in the "mainstream of life". Drinking may be for other people, but for the recovering alcoholics it isn't an option and we know it.

[flex]

Jul 3, 2014 12:52:35 GMT -5 malibu said:

I can post more when I'm out of the meeting I'm going into now, but yes. I have dealt with this nearly our entire marriage. I rarely drink, and if I do, it's out with friends. I do not keep alcohol in the house for fear of temptation for him. Not that he's a wine drinker, but if he was desperate, he likely wouldn't care what the drink was.

With someone who is a "freshly recovering" alcoholic, I would NOT keep alcohol in the house--at least early on in sobriety.

My DS1, who was living with me when he was going through in-patient treatment, asked me to dispose of any Nyquil I may have in the house and I complied.  I didn't keep liquor in the house anyway and I was already 20 years sober so I understood why he made the request.

[lexxasaurus]

I agree with flex. I actually get more stressed when I feel like my partner is refraining from drinking because of me. If he doesn't mind and you'd like a glass - order one.

[redredwine]

I was REALLY leery of dating my now fiance for this reason alone. He told me he was in AA after our first date, when I joked about why he didn't drink because "I mean, it's not like you're an alcoholic or anything" (turns out he was/is! Whoops! That opened up a whole can of worms for us EARLY on!)
I'm not like, a BIG drinker, but I love my wine. I enjoy going out for beers/drinks with friends. I love wine tasting, beers at the pool, etc. Basically, I enjoy it. People were like "Uh, you're dating a guy that doesn't drink?! How does that work!"
So, great question.

N emphasized to me very early on that HE made the choice to not drink because HE has an unhealthy relationship with drinking. I do not. I have a healthy relationship, I know when to stop. I can drink ONE glass of wine and be fine and be satisfied.


It's interesting what malibu said, RE: alcohol in the house. I asked him early on if he was OK with me keeping alcohol in the house, like would that be tempting or anything? He said if he wanted alcohol, he knew where to find it and could just as easily go down to the mini mart down the street. It took me a little while to get used to it, but I generally have an open bottle of wine in the fridge. I have maybe a glass a week? I figure, if he wants it, he's going to get it regardless of whether or not it's in the house. Alcohol is EVERYWHERE and a big part of the America culture.
BUT it's different for every alcoholic. Some people can't every keep cooking wine in the house or put salt in it just to make sure they're not tempting to drink it. I've learned ALOT about being a "normy" as they called it, while my loved one is and always will be in recovery.

It was a little weird at first, getting used to being comfortable ordering alcohol around him and making sure he didn't care. He doesn't. If we're out with friends, he'll get a "mocktail" (like, cran/soda) so he has "something" to drink. Or if we're at parties, he might bring something to make sure there's something for him to drink (but pretty much everyone will always have sodas/water around) I'm conscious when in social settings with

It wouldn't work if he did care that I did drink or if I felt uncomfortable drinking around him. On the flip side, it wouldn't work if I was constantly getting wasted around him. I'm not a big drinker, I don't drink to get drunk and he's seen me buzzed only a handful of times because I while I drink regularly, I don't drink that much when I do, you know? I probably drink a little less because N doesn't drink. I drink socially, so if he's not doing it, sometimes I just don't feel the need to? I can have fun with or without it.

Most importantly, I don't feel uncomfortable when I do drink around him. I don't feel judged, I know he's not sitting there thinking "This is so tempting, why is she doing this in front of me, etc". Now, if we're getting together with his friends from the program? He lets me know ahead of time if that person/people are OK with alcohol present or not, because not everyone is. All people in recovery are going through it at different paces. Also, time is probably a factor. N is going on 4 years of being sober. Someone in their first year? Probably still getting used to the idea that they're never going to be able to drink again (or they can, they just might lose everything)

MOST of all, I really think you have to talk and talk and talk about it and check in with each other regularly about it. If you're holding back something you'd normally do (like, have a glass of wine at dinner), even if it's something small, then that could lead to resentment which could easily spiral downhill.

I don't' know if you're H is in AA, hopefully he is. It's THE best support system and even 4 years later, N is still active in the community and goes to meetings, meets with his sponsor (and now actually is sponsoring someone, too!)
I'd encourage you to go to a few meetings with him, it REALLY helped me understand recovery more. Maybe go to Al Anon, and maybe even go to counseling together if your'e still working through it.

[flex]

Jul 3, 2014 13:51:55 GMT -5 redredwine said:

I was REALLY leery of dating my now fiance for this reason alone. He told me he was in AA after our first date, when I joked about why he didn't drink because "I mean, it's not like you're an alcoholic or anything" (turns out he was/is! Whoops! That opened up a whole can of worms for us EARLY on!)
I'm not like, a BIG drinker, but I love my wine. I enjoy going out for beers/drinks with friends. I love wine tasting, beers at the pool, etc. Basically, I enjoy it. People were like "Uh, you're dating a guy that doesn't drink?! How does that work!"
So, great question.

N emphasized to me very early on that HE made the choice to not drink because HE has an unhealthy relationship with drinking. I do not. I have a healthy relationship, I know when to stop. I can drink ONE glass of wine and be fine and be satisfied.


It's interesting what malibu said, RE: alcohol in the house. I asked him early on if he was OK with me keeping alcohol in the house, like would that be tempting or anything? He said if he wanted alcohol, he knew where to find it and could just as easily go down to the mini mart down the street. It took me a little while to get used to it, but I generally have an open bottle of wine in the fridge. I have maybe a glass a week? I figure, if he wants it, he's going to get it regardless of whether or not it's in the house. Alcohol is EVERYWHERE and a big part of the America culture.
BUT it's different for every alcoholic. Some people can't every keep cooking wine in the house or put salt in it just to make sure they're not tempting to drink it. I've learned ALOT about being a "normy" as they called it, while my loved one is and always will be in recovery.

It was a little weird at first, getting used to being comfortable ordering alcohol around him and making sure he didn't care. He doesn't. If we're out with friends, he'll get a "mocktail" (like, cran/soda) so he has "something" to drink. Or if we're at parties, he might bring something to make sure there's something for him to drink (but pretty much everyone will always have sodas/water around) I'm conscious when in social settings with

It wouldn't work if he did care that I did drink or if I felt uncomfortable drinking around him. On the flip side, it wouldn't work if I was constantly getting wasted around him. I'm not a big drinker, I don't drink to get drunk and he's seen me buzzed only a handful of times because I while I drink regularly, I don't drink that much when I do, you know? I probably drink a little less because N doesn't drink. I drink socially, so if he's not doing it, it sometimes isn't as enjoyable and I can have fun with or without it.

Most importantly, I don't feel uncomfortable when I do drink around him. I don't feel judged, I know he's not sitting there thinking "This is so tempting, why is she doing this in front of me, etc". Now, if we're getting together with his friends from the program? He lets me know ahead of time if that person/people are OK with alcohol present or not, because not everyone is. All people in recovery are going through it at different paces. Also, time is probably a factor. N is going on 4 years of being sober. Someone in their first year? Probably still getting used to the idea that they're never going to be able to drink again (or they can, they just might lose everything)

MOST of all, I really think you have to talk and talk and talk about it and check in with each other regularly about it. If you're holding back something you'd normally do (like, have a glass of wine at dinner), even if it's something small, then that could lead to resentment which could easily spiral downhill.

I don't' know if you're H is in AA, hopefully he is. It's THE best support system and even 4 years later, N is still active in the community and goes to meetings, meets with his sponsor (and now actually is sponsoring someone, too!)
I'd encourage you to go to a few meetings with him, it REALLY helped me understand recovery more. Maybe go to Al Anon, and maybe even go to counseling together if your'e still working through it.

This.

[Deleted]

My family all enjoys alcohol. I really don't mind that they drink. If I find myself (rarely) getting irritable, I just excuse myself from the room and do something else.

There is a part in the big book that says (paraphrasing here) Although I once had that privilege (meaning drinking) I abused it so frightfully that it was withdrawn. I think of that when the family is drinking. There is no need for me to resent them. I've had enough! Forever! LOL.

If he says he doesn't mind, do what you wish.

We have alcohol in the house. I never demanded that it be removed. DH offered, but I am truly not tempted at all. Every person in recovery has to do what is right for him/her. I have an AA friend who won't walk down the aisle in the grocery store where the crummy beer is displayed. To each his own. You must set your own limits.