Stuck in time

[mel]

My stupid ex hit me with a pretty major blow today and it looks like we are going to end up back in court over custody. I didn't cut or turn to my trusty Xanax but went to my therapist instead. That helped for awhile but now that I'm home alone, in the middle of the night with too much time to think and no one to talk...I'm wavering. I have "pretty damn good coping mechanisms" that I know work very, very well but also are destructive. I think back to a year ago and how I barely made it through without literally killing myself during the initial custody battle and I'm scared of getting back to that place. I'm so afraid of slipping back into the hell and thinking that I won't make it through again. But then again, I'm afraid to look forward to think about what going through this court thing again would look like now using coping mechanisms that are more positive that I don't quite trust yet. I feel stuck in the middle and with nothing that I trust to lean on. It's terrifying.

[MauMau]

I'm here. What can we do right now to help?

What are your plans tomorrow?

[mel]

Tomorrow I am meeting with my attorney and then working tomorrow night. I didn't go to work tonight. I called out because I was just emotionally spent and in no frame of mind to take care of anyone else.

I wrote in my journal which really ended up mostly being drawings of lines like if I were cutting myself. I also looked to see if I could find any support groups here where I live. I think I found one for bipolar but it doesn't meet again until next week. I may try it out. Now I'm listening to music. I guess I'm trying anything to keep busy right now even though I really should try sleeping. However, I'm too tense for sleep right now.

[MauMau]

Good plans. And I'm sure it's hard to sleep when your are in night shift mode.

I've been home alone for two days. A little hard for me. I painted my nails and gave my cat a bath walked. I'm currently watching House but will start reading a book soon. Also posting things on IG. Hopefully I'll fall asleep soon. I'm working at 10.

Do you like drawing? Have you thought about art therapy at all. A distant friend of mind finds it very helpful.

[malibu]

Your choice to see your therapist was excellent. Can you see her/him again today? Are you able to communicate on the phone or via email if a face to face isn't available today? Can your therapist recommend some kind of support group you could attend right now?

[flex]

I'm so glad you're actively searching for a support group. Baby steps!!

[mel]

My therapist unfortunately is on vacation starting today through next week. I got the first available appt upon her return.

I haven't been able to find a support group in my area that is specific for self-injury but I did find the one for bipolar and depression that I am going to check out next week.

Today, I'm headed to see the attorney and am hoping I don't breakdown in her office. I called in sick last night for work and contemplated doing it again for tonight but I think that it would be more beneficial to just try to stick to my routine as hard as it is.

[flex]

mel, other than the Xanax are you on any kind of anti-depressant medication?

[btay]

Jul 8, 2014 11:54:54 GMT -5 mel said:

My therapist unfortunately is on vacation starting today through next week. I got the first available appt upon her return.

I haven't been able to find a support group in my area that is specific for self-injury but I did find the one for bipolar and depression that I am going to check out next week.

Today, I'm headed to see the attorney and am hoping I don't breakdown in her office. I called in sick last night for work and contemplated doing it again for tonight but I think that it would be more beneficial to just try to stick to my routine as hard as it is.

 Good luck (())

[mel]

Flex, I'm on Abilify as a mood stabilizer, Adderrall for energy, Xanax for anxiety, Seroquel for sleep. I recently stopped taking Effexor due to side effects. I've tried Prozac but had side effects on the higher dosage, Lexapro which helped a lot but not enough, and Wellbutrin but gained weight and felt as though it did nothing. My next appt with my psychiatrist is next week so we will address the antidepressant medication again but they are hesitant because "antidepressants can push a bipolar person into a manic episode". I've never in my life had a manic episode. I was diagnosed as bipolar mainly based on symptoms of mood swings, irritability, and addictive habits so I'm not even 100% sold on the bipolar diagnosis.

[MauMau]

What about a Meet Up group for self injury? Not nearly the same as a support groups perhaps. But is there one for your area?

My therapist's is out of office this week too. It's been hard. Are you going to work tonight? What do you have set up to take care of for yourself on Wednesday?

[mel]

I went to work tonight although I really wanted to stay home. I figure staying in my routine will be beneficial right now. Tomorrow I plan to sleep all day seeing as how I have to work again tomorrow night. At least when I'm busy at work I don't have time to think about my own life and my own problems. I'm busy dealing with everything else.

[MauMau]

Jul 8, 2014 22:45:39 GMT -5 mel said:

I went to work tonight although I really wanted to stay home. I figure staying in my routine will be beneficial right now. Tomorrow I plan to sleep all day seeing as how I have to work again tomorrow night. At least when I'm busy at work I don't have time to think about my own life and my own problems. I'm busy dealing with everything else.

*hugs* I'm glad you went.

[athena3210]

I just discovered this board.How are you doing today? It looks like we have some things in common.

I'm divorced, my son will be 3 in October and I've been on Xanax and an anti-depressant to help cope with my ex, our lawyers, the courts, and what seems to be never-ending custody issues between us. I could sure use the break when DS is with his dad, but my heart also hurts knowing that he's not happy when he's with him. It's just all so stressful and heartbreaking.

I'm so sorry you're in a similar situation. I'm in southern CA and if you're anywhere around here, we can together and offer support or just do something fun and mindless together to ease the stress of it all.


(hugs)

[mel]

Jul 10, 2014 17:21:11 GMT -5 athena3210 said:

I just discovered this board.How are you doing today? It looks like we have some things in common.

I'm divorced, my son will be 3 in October and I've been on Xanax and an anti-depressant to help cope with my ex, our lawyers, the courts, and what seems to be never-ending custody issues between us. I could sure use the break when DS is with his dad, but my heart also hurts knowing that he's not happy when he's with him. It's just all so stressful and heartbreaking.

I'm so sorry you're in a similar situation. I'm in southern CA and if you're anywhere around here, we can together and offer support or just do something fun and mindless together to ease the stress of it all.


(hugs)

It's all very overwhelming and just when I think things are getting better with my ex then something comes up to make everything bad again. It kills me when DS isn't with me but I use that time to be irresponsible and cut and take the pills. I always figure that it's my time to have so I should use it. I know that I am addicted to cutting but I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am addicted to the Xanax. I abuse it for sure but it's not something that I need and crave. It's something that I use when I want to escape reality for awhile and just sleep then of course I need the Adderrall to stay awake and function afterwards. It's a cycle. I have 2 "golden rules": never cut deep enough to need stitches as you will get caught and, the number of pills taken is determined by the amount that falls into my hand when I shake the bottle...no more and no less.

Today I am feeling okay, exhausted both physically and mentally. I have DS with me and I'm exhausted from being up all day after working all night. I've been distracted today by taking care of and playing with DS. I think I will head to bed early though so that I don't have time to do too much thinking. I ordered a book recommended by my therapist. It's called The 12 steps to happiness: a practical handbook for understanding and working the twelve step programs for alcoholism, codependency, eating disorders, and other addictions. I'll take a look at it when I get it and see if it makes sense. Maybe it will help since cutting is an addiction.

I am in Georgia but would be happy to exchange email addresses and so forth to help provide support.

[partiallysunny]

Thank you for sharing the book. It sounds like a good read.

I'm glad you're keeping busy. Do you have any hobbies you enjoy doing? Are things you use to do but stopped? Anything in high school or college? Even as a child?

[mel]

Truthfully...self injury is really the only "hobby" I've ever had. I've been doing it since I was a teenager. I do enjoy reading, movies, things like that but I also enjoy shopping...a little too much. I've thought about getting back into church. Maybe being involved in a group like that and getting back in touch with my spirituality will help?