How do I stop this?

[SwimDeep]

I'm trying to figure out how to set personal boundaries, and I could really use some help here. H has an obsessive tendency...and it almost always centers on my family. He'll get a bug up his butt about how I need to approach my parents, things I need to say (or should have said in the past)...he'll analyze over and over again everything that's happened in the past. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
He blames my family for all of the strife that we have in our relationship, and he obsesses about getting them to see/admit what they did wrong, apologize, and atone for their poor behavior. I'm not trying to say they didn't do anything wrong. Their behavior has been fucking abysmal. But I feel like his obsession with this is causing far more harm to our relationship than anything my family did.

It occurred to me tonight that by sitting there and listening to him vent and trying to sooth him that I might be somehow enabling this behavior. How do I stop?

The major problem I'm having right now is that his constant harping on my family is triggering my impulse to hurt myself (which in a vulnerable moment I admitted to him tonight, only to have him accuse me of using it as ammunition). I'm feeling a lot of pain that doesn't make any sense, but I'm reaching out here instead of withdrawing to my usual negative self-talk.

Any advice?

[malibu]

Hey. I know you from TIP so I know some of your background.

You really, really need to either get into individual counseling or decide you're done. I am not one to throw the DTMFA around at all, but this coupled with your posts on TIP signal some pretty significant emotional abuse that you desperately need to get away from. He is absolutely not being a good partner, supportive, and projecting his own issues on you. I can't remember if you're already in ind counseling or joint counseling; if so, please contact your therapist immediately to discuss your feelings of wanting to harm yourself. If not, please, please contact one ASAP - if you have an EAP at work, that can help you find someone. The fact that he's accusing you of admitting your impulse to hurt yourself as being ammunition is a HUGE red flag. A good partner would want to support and help you immediately, not use it to further tear you down. He has a weird, kind of insane obsession with harping on your family (who I know also did not make your life easy), and honestly, he's treating you no better than they did/do.

[flex]

He sounds like my ex-h...notice I said "ex".

I know this isn't very helpful, but there comes a time when you have to accept you can't make another person change. And if they won't change, there's nothing you can do except accept it OR make other arrangements.

[SwimDeep]

Thank you for the replies. I'm so tangled up in all of this right now that it really helps me to have some outside perspective.
I'm stuck on this notion that if I approach the situation differently (that is, change my behavior instead of expecting him to change his) our relationship will turn around.

malibu -- I am in individual counseling, and I have talked with her several times about my impulses. She's helped me with some techniques to calm and distract myself, and she is constantly encouraging me to take care of myself. Yesterday she reassured me that it's alright for me to have needs, and that it's alright for me to take care of those needs. It's a hard concept for me to grasp, so I'm just kind of chewing on it...letting it sink in so I can process it.

Having said all that...thinking about leaving him hurts. Falling in love felt so good and so right...