Did I do the right thing?

[Deleted]

@evelynrichards

[flex]

Yes, you did the right thing.

ETA:  And one month is a pretty short period of time.  A lot of drunks can get it together for one month--then they can't handle it anymore and go off the deep end.  I was one of those drunks.

I suggest he go into some kind of outpatient treatment program.  Or at the very least, he needs to attend 90 AA meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, buy a "Big Book" and read it every day, then work the Steps.

[flex]

Also, I just wanted to say that you cannot "make" him do the things I've listed above. It's up to him to make the choice to either recover or to ultimately be permanently kicked out.

But if he still thinks he can handle it on this own, it may come down to the second choice.

(((hugs)))

[Deleted]

Jul 9, 2014 19:47:58 GMT -5 flex said:

Yes, you did the right thing.

ETA:  And one month is a pretty short period of time.  A lot of drunks can get it together for one month--then they can't handle it anymore and go off the deep end.  I was one of those drunks.

I suggest he go into some kind of outpatient treatment program.  Or at the very least, he needs to attend 90 AA meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, buy a "Big Book" and read it every day, then work the Steps.

[flex]

Jul 9, 2014 20:40:40 GMT -5 @arya said:

Jul 9, 2014 19:47:58 GMT -5 flex said:

Yes, you did the right thing.

ETA:  And one month is a pretty short period of time.  A lot of drunks can get it together for one month--then they can't handle it anymore and go off the deep end.  I was one of those drunks.

I suggest he go into some kind of outpatient treatment program.  Or at the very least, he needs to attend 90 AA meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, buy a "Big Book" and read it every day, then work the Steps.

Thanks for responding. I know a month isn't long, but I don't want to keep him away from his kids forever...I guess I just want him to know I'm serious and thought maybe it will be a kick in the ass to take things a little more seriously. He is starting an OP program tomorrow. Three hours a day on Tues and Thurs and then he is planning to go to AA meetings on the other days. He has a Big Book. 

I'm struggling with how to balance being supportive with enabling him and causing our kids harm/anxiety, etc. For instance, when/if he comes back, if he drinks again, do I kick him out again? I imagine relapse is common. I know I need my own counselor or Al-Anon, but I don't know how to have time for it as a (temporarily, I hope) single parent and working full time. 

I'm not Al-Anon so I can only give you the perspective of a recovering alcoholic.  Al-Anon may tell you different, but my understanding of Al-Anon is that you are encouraged to no longer try to cover for the active alcoholic and to put your own life and your children's life first and foremost.

When I was drinking my SO finally had enough and kicked me out of the house in a spectacular way.  He helped me in that regard (even though it didn't seem like it at the time) because he made it UNCOMFORTABLE for me to drink.  I know I was manipulating him, and even though I felt bad about it deep inside, the addiction was so strong that I did whatever I could to sneak away so I could drink more.  Granted, he is not the sole reason for why I sobered up.  I finally got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  But if he hadn't put his foot down, my drinking career may have lasted much longer.

Make sense?

[Deleted]

Jul 9, 2014 20:45:19 GMT -5 flex said:

Jul 9, 2014 20:40:40 GMT -5 @arya said:

Thanks for responding. I know a month isn't long, but I don't want to keep him away from his kids forever...I guess I just want him to know I'm serious and thought maybe it will be a kick in the ass to take things a little more seriously. He is starting an OP program tomorrow. Three hours a day on Tues and Thurs and then he is planning to go to AA meetings on the other days. He has a Big Book. 

I'm struggling with how to balance being supportive with enabling him and causing our kids harm/anxiety, etc. For instance, when/if he comes back, if he drinks again, do I kick him out again? I imagine relapse is common. I know I need my own counselor or Al-Anon, but I don't know how to have time for it as a (temporarily, I hope) single parent and working full time. 

I'm not Al-Anon so I can only give you the perspective of a recovering alcoholic.  Al-Anon may tell you different, but my understanding of Al-Anon is that you are encouraged to no longer try to cover for the active alcoholic and to put your own life and your children's life first and foremost.

When I was drinking my SO finally had enough and kicked me out of the house in a spectacular way.  He helped me in that regard (even though it didn't seem like it at the time) because he made it UNCOMFORTABLE for me to drink.  I know I was manipulating him, and even though I felt bad about it deep inside, the addiction was so strong that I did whatever I could to sneak away so I could drink more.  Granted, he is not the sole reason for why I sobered up.  I finally got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  But if he hadn't put his foot down, my drinking career may have lasted much longer.

Make sense?

[flex]

I never had a DUI either. But it was just a matter of time.

And the scary part about it is I was afraid the ultimate outcome was I was going to kill someone while in a black out. Perhaps even a member of my own family.

[mel]

Hugs! Yes you did the right thing. You must think of your own life and the health and well being of your children.

[btay]

The basis of Al Anon is to not allow the addict to rule your life. Some people stay with the addict forever and just set clear boundaries, some people have to leave or kick the addict out. It's a very personal decision that no one can make for you, but Al Anon will equip you will the tools to really make sure you are making the best decision for you. I agree that you should really take advantage of this time to focus on you and what you are ok with versus what are absolute deal breakers.

[flex]

A bit of levity: I chaired an AA meeting last week, and two Al-Anons (man and a woman) came to our meeting (apparently no one had shown up at their meeting). After the meeting was over, the man came up to me and thanked me for my share. He told me his wife is an active alcoholic. He said murder was no longer and option, so he was hoping for alien abduction. lol

A bit of gallows humor.

[bronco]

I'm in kind of the same boat. We have 6 month old twins and my DH has drinking issues. Up until a week ago whenever he had been drinking I would ask him to stay downstairs and I wouldn't let him touch the boys. Then I had enough.
I informed him I was done with the BS and he had two choices, actively get help -AA, counseling, whatever- or get out. I was (am) fully prepared to be a single parent and it sucks. It sucks feeling like the only responsible one. It sucks having the whole load of childcare on you. It sucks feeling like he isn't living upto his part of being a partner and I really resent him for it.
He admitted he has an issue and is taking steps to get help, but I also worry like he is putting on a show to get me off his back. I also worry about relapsing or just going off the deep end. However, I can only observe him and his choices one day at a time, so I try my hardest to not get caught up in the "what ifs".
I have been seeing a therapist for a bit now because of this and other reasons and my therapist basically says it's his problem and I can chose to live a happy life despite his choices. That's it's ok to inform him that I find him repulsive when he is drinking, to ask him to remove himself from the family, and go on about our day and have fun. No one ever screamed someone into sobriety. It sounds like that's a bit like Al Anon.
Anyway, I know how you feel and have the same worries as you. Let me know if I can help in anyway, or if you just want to chat. It's hard having little ones and feel like your partner sucks. ((Hugs))

[krisandgrace]

You absolutely did the right thing. I can only talk from the perspective of an alcoholic but I finally hit bottom when people stopped being nice to me and called me on my crap. There is no guarantee that he will get sober and or stay sober but you need to think about yourself and the kids.  If you have family or friends that you trust let them know what is going on, don't hold it in like a big ugly secret. If you have someone who can watch the kids make it a priority to get counseling and get to Al-anon. You need people who are going to back you up and hold you up.

Alcoholics are very good a making promises, they are vary good at manipulating the situation to get their way. If he tries to make you feel bad come here and let us know about it and we will give you encouragement. You are seriously doing the best thing for him as well as your family.

[Deleted]

For sure you did the right thing. As an AA, I know that you have to hit your bottom, whatever that is before you will get help. By asking him to leave, you may have helped him to realize his current way of life is not working.

And don't back-pedal on what you did. You already are questioning yourself. Living with an alcoholic isn't a normal life. He will need some time in recovery to prove he is worth your love.

[Deleted]

Jul 9, 2014 20:50:40 GMT -5 @arya said:

Jul 9, 2014 20:45:19 GMT -5 flex said:

I'm not Al-Anon so I can only give you the perspective of a recovering alcoholic.  Al-Anon may tell you different, but my understanding of Al-Anon is that you are encouraged to no longer try to cover for the active alcoholic and to put your own life and your children's life first and foremost.

When I was drinking my SO finally had enough and kicked me out of the house in a spectacular way.  He helped me in that regard (even though it didn't seem like it at the time) because he made it UNCOMFORTABLE for me to drink.  I know I was manipulating him, and even though I felt bad about it deep inside, the addiction was so strong that I did whatever I could to sneak away so I could drink more.  Granted, he is not the sole reason for why I sobered up.  I finally got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  But if he hadn't put his foot down, my drinking career may have lasted much longer.

Make sense?

Yes. The little bit of al-anon literature I've read seems to suggest that sometimes it takes something like this to wake people up...I got the feeling that since nothing "bad" has happened yet (i.e., no DUI, hasn't lost his job or injured anyone else) that he thinks he's ok. I really hope he will wake up. It is so hard feeling like your family is crumbling and there is nothing you can do to stop it...Again, thank you so much for your replies. It really helps to have another person's perspective.

We call those the "yets".  A lot of the bad stuff didn't happen to me, either.  But I am as severely alcoholic as the person who has had family blowups, multiple dui's, incarceration, liver damage, etc.  Just not YET.  I am grateful I live one day at a time in recovery now.  It's so much better.  

[mel]

Jul 10, 2014 3:09:38 GMT -5 bronco said:

I'm in kind of the same boat. We have 6 month old twins and my DH has drinking issues. Up until a week ago whenever he had been drinking I would ask him to stay downstairs and I wouldn't let him touch the boys. Then I had enough.
I informed him I was done with the BS and he had two choices, actively get help -AA, counseling, whatever- or get out. I was (am) fully prepared to be a single parent and it sucks. It sucks feeling like the only responsible one. It sucks having the whole load of childcare on you. It sucks feeling like he isn't living upto his part of being a partner and I really resent him for it.
He admitted he has an issue and is taking steps to get help, but I also worry like he is putting on a show to get me off his back. I also worry about relapsing or just going off the deep end. However, I can only observe him and his choices one day at a time, so I try my hardest to not get caught up in the "what ifs".
I have been seeing a therapist for a bit now because of this and other reasons and my therapist basically says it's his problem and I can chose to live a happy life despite his choices. That's it's ok to inform him that I find him repulsive when he is drinking, to ask him to remove himself from the family, and go on about our day and have fun. No one ever screamed someone into sobriety. It sounds like that's a bit like Al Anon.
Anyway, I know how you feel and have the same worries as you. Let me know if I can help in anyway, or if you just want to chat. It's hard having little ones and feel like your partner sucks. ((Hugs))

I'm so sorry that you are facing being a single parent as it is so difficult. I can't imagine doing it with twins. You have to put yourself and your babies first and it sounds like you are doing that. Hang in there. It's a tough road to go down but we are here for you!

I'm also a single parent but I'm the one with issues. I split physical custody with my ex 50/50, one week on and one week off. I love my son dearly but I always look forward to the weeks that I don't have him because I know that if I slip up then I don't have to be responsible for him right then. Then again having him keeps me from slipping up because I know he is dependent upon me for his care. It's tough.