I need some advice

[flex]

Yes, set boundaries with your dad. Be honest and firm, but polite. It's your house, your rules. If he says he won't drink there, but winds up doing it, then I think you need support from your DH to lay down the law. If he drinks, he has to leave. Pure and simple.

I would look into both counseling and Al-Anon if that's what you want to do. You may "need" it, but if in your heart you don't want it, then don't force yourself to do it. You're right: it is his "fucking issue"--not yours.

[krisandgrace]

Everything Flex said. You can also say to him before he comes exactly what you said here. You feel like you he is two different people and the person he is when he drinks you won't have in your house. Lay down the rules and tell him if he feels more comfortable staying in a hotel that is fine and you will see him during the day.

[mel]

I have no other advice for you than what Flex said but I wanted to wish you good luck if he does come visit. I hope everything goes smoothly and that he respects the boundaries that you are setting.

[btay]

Set firm boundaries with him and tell him in advance that he is welcome at your home sober but you will ask him to leave if he is drinking. Be prepared to follow through on the threat.

I got a referal to a counselor through my primary physician. She was good but looking back probably not the best fit. Finding the right counselor can take some time, so don't be upset if the first counselor doesn't really do it for you, it might take some trial and error to find the right person, kind of like dating. I think Al Anon along with individual counseling is a fantastic way to go at least in the beginning stages especially if you find a counselor that works with families of addicts and knows the Al Anon program well.

As for your last point, it is definitely his issue, but what Al Anon and counseling can do is make sure it stays his issue.

[partiallysunny]

I think you really need to think about the boundries you set and the consequences for each. Above all you need to be ready if/when the boundries are crossed.

I would probably say: "you drink, you're out. To a hotel. You can't stay here."

Then you have to think about how that would play out. Which hotel would you call? Who would pay? How would you get him to the hotel? What is he resists?

[partiallysunny]

And most certainly tell him about the boundries/ rules before he comes. Let him know the conditions of the visit and the consequences.

It's a hard conversation to have but worth it.

And counseling can be an amazing help with family issues. I know it is his issue but it does effect you. They can help you get your thoughts in order.