Please don't quote. My parents were supposed to visit and they were arriving tonight and staying a couple of days. They live three hours away and as they are driving here DH tells me that he doesn't want my parents to take us out to lunch/dinner while they are here and that he wants me to cook all meals. I got upset and said that if they invite us and our DDs to eat it would be rude to say no and that I saw nothing wrong with it. He said that every time they come visit they either take us out to eat or order take out for us and that he feels like we are taking advantage of them. My parents are retired and have no money issues and they basically take us out because they want to treat us and so that I don't have to cook and get a break.
Anyways I called my mom and told her about it, toning it down of course, and my dad got super angry and they are now staying in a hotel. I am stuck in the middle.
UPDATE: My parents did spend the night in a hotel last night but will be staying the rest of the visit with us. My dad said he needed to cool off not because of the money thing (he understands DH has a different upbringing about who pays what) but that he was upset that my DH wanted me to cook all meals at 40 weeks. I apologized to my parents for creating drama and I blamed my lack of judgement in telling them on exhaustion and pregnancy hormones. DH apologized to me last night for saying what he did. For those who think this is MUD I can only say I wish. DH and my upbringings regarding how our parents spend money and therefore how we view money are very different so it can get tense often but we try to get through it. Last night was definitely not our finest moment. So all is well for now and we are just waiting for the baby to come.
You should not have told your parents about it. Yikes. Your husband should not have brought this up when they are en route. It sounds like 2 men having a pissing contest to me. Sorry this is going to be so uncomfortable for you.
Post by jerseyjaybird on Jul 10, 2014 20:49:26 GMT -5
I get that we don't have much context, but it sounds like your H is being over the top. To want to shift gears from their previous visits with no notice? WTH? I'm sorry that you'll be dealing with this, though I think you should have shut your H down on this one, or offered for him to cook one nice dinner or something.
Post by hopenotlost on Jul 10, 2014 20:49:55 GMT -5
Personally I wouldn't have said anything to my parents, and would have told DH to just deal with it. My dad always takes us out, especially if he stays with us. It's not every single meal, but probably every supper. It's kind of like a "thank you" for having him stay the night.
Idk what you can do now, except just ignore the fact that they don't agree about the meal situation.
Hmm that seems like an overreaction on the part of both your DH and your parents. Is there more to the relationship between them?
My parents come visit us and stay in our house and still typically take us out for at least one nice dinner, just because.
And I'll be damned if my husband would dictate that I cook all meals, for any visitors.
They usually get along great. DH's family is very thrifty even though they make $$$ and never pay for us when they rarely invite us out to eat so I think DH just feels uncomfortable having someone else pay for us. The thing is he didn't even want my parents to take DDs and me to lunch while he works tomorrow which I think is ridiculous.
Hmm that seems like an overreaction on the part of both your DH and your parents. Is there more to the relationship between them?
My parents come visit us and stay in our house and still typically take us out for at least one nice dinner, just because.
And I'll be damned if my husband would dictate that I cook all meals, for any visitors.
They usually get along great. DH's family is very thrifty even though they make $$$ and never pay for us when they rarely invite us out to eat so I think DH just feels uncomfortable having someone else pay for us. The thing is he didn't even want my parents to take DDs and me to lunch while he works tomorrow which I think is ridiculous.
I would have told H that we very well may go out for a meal or 2, but I would make an effort to eat in some, too. Perhaps half of a typical visit? But I would also tell him he is being a bit silly about it. And I wouldn't have said anything to parents, you brought that drama on yourself. The better thing would have been practice things like "oh, dinner at Chipotle sounds good, how about we do that for lunch tomorrow because H said he was dying to cook his famous meatloaf tonight."
But, since that isn't the case, I'd go into damage control mode. Call your father and explain that wires got crossed and miscommunicated. Of course you and H want them to visit. Food is not the important part of the visit, and it doesn't matter where you all eat. You just want to visit with them.
Hmm that seems like an overreaction on the part of both your DH and your parents. Is there more to the relationship between them?
My parents come visit us and stay in our house and still typically take us out for at least one nice dinner, just because.
And I'll be damned if my husband would dictate that I cook all meals, for any visitors.
They usually get along great. DH's family is very thrifty even though they make $$$ and never pay for us when they rarely invite us out to eat so I think DH just feels uncomfortable having someone else pay for us. The thing is he didn't even want my parents to take DDs and me to lunch while he works tomorrow which I think is ridiculous.
Yeah telling your parents was wrong. I'd try to smooth that over and get them to stay with you as planned. I hope this dictator attitude is some sort of aberration for your H.
I know I shouldn't have said anything but I was super mad at DH and my parents know he doesn't cook and I am 40 weeks pregnant (which is why they are visiting in case I go into labor this weekend they can watch DDs)so they would know something was up if I said I would prefer to make dinner than being taken out if they offered.
Post by Willis Jackson on Jul 10, 2014 21:03:37 GMT -5
OMFG, you are 40 wks pg and your husband wants you to cook all meals? When there are nice people willing and able to take you out? Does your husband WANT to get kicked in the balls?
Wow-I would be very angry if I were your H. When you have a disagreement about something and especially SOMEONE-you don't run and tell the person. You said your H was raised differently-that doesn't make it wrong. He feels uncomfortable having people pay for him. He has a right to his feelings. But you should have both tabled it for another time, not when your parents were in route. You need to call and fix the situation with your parents.
OMFG, you are 40 wks pg and your husband wants you to cook all meals? When there are nice people willing and able to take you out? Does your husband WANT to get kicked in the balls?
THIS. Holy hell. Is your DH commonly such a fuckstick?
OMFG, you are 40 wks pg and your husband wants you to cook all meals? When there are nice people willing and able to take you out? Does your husband WANT to get kicked in the balls?
I take it back, he's not being silly. He's being a dick.
Post by jerseyjaybird on Jul 10, 2014 21:05:51 GMT -5
Wait, you are due to have a baby, like, today AND you have other young kids and your H thinks that you should be cooking all of the meals? What exactly is his problem?
Wow-I would be very angry if I were your H. When you have a disagreement about something and especially SOMEONE-you don't run and tell the person. You said your H was raised differently-that doesn't make it wrong. He feels uncomfortable having people pay for him. He has a right to his feelings. But you should have both tabled it for another time, not when your parents were in route. You need to call and fix the situation with your parents.
DH asked me to tell them not to take us out to eat. I still shouldn't have said anything though.
Post by wildfloweragain on Jul 10, 2014 21:07:25 GMT -5
Normally your family, you make the contact. But since your H was the nutty one, and you get a pass for telling your parents about it because you are pregnant, I say your H needs to call and apologize for losing his mind. Do you really want them in your house while you are having a baby? If so, beg them to forgive the pg lunacy and come over.
Also, your H is probably out of sorts as well if you are about to deliver. He should get some leniency as well.
Wow-I would be very angry if I were your H. When you have a disagreement about something and especially SOMEONE-you don't run and tell the person. You said your H was raised differently-that doesn't make it wrong. He feels uncomfortable having people pay for him. He has a right to his feelings. But you should have both tabled it for another time, not when your parents were in route. You need to call and fix the situation with your parents.
DH asked me to tell them not to take us out to eat. I still shouldn't have said anything though.
Ok, that is just odd. I get being uncomfortable, but that's just being rude
Wait, so your H demanded the his 40 week pregnant wife cook all weekend, dictated how you interact with your own parents, and then tried to prohibit you from doing something you want to do at a time when he won't even be with you? He sounds like he has some pretty major control issues, and the fact that your initial reaction was to go along with him by calling your parents to tell them you won't be eating out is concerning to me. As is the fact that your parents don't want to stay under the same roof with him. Unless this sort of behavior is very atypical for your H, I think it is something I would want to address in counseling.
And tell your H he can cook meals, pay for meals out himself, or accept your parents' generosity. He cannot demand that you cook all meals. WTF?
Your H needs to exit 1953 and catch up with the times. He insists on eating in = he cooks. And if he expects you to respect his family's preference and traditions (e.g., eating at home, no one treating anyone), then he needs to respect YOUR family's way of doing things. I would tell him his behavior was absolutely unacceptable. Then call your dad and tell him your H was just feeling bad about them having to pay for meals on top of helping with your DDs, but it was blown our of proportion and you can't wait to see them and eat with them, regardless of whether it's at your house or at a restaurant.
Post by bostonmichelle on Jul 10, 2014 21:19:42 GMT -5
I would talk to your parents tomorrow in person about it. Honestly if my DH told me I had to cook all the meals when I'm 40 weeks pg, he'd have big problems.
I know I shouldn't have said anything but I was super mad at DH and my parents know he doesn't cook and I am 40 weeks pregnant (which is why they are visiting in case I go into labor this weekend they can watch DDs)so they would know something was up if I said I would prefer to make dinner than being taken out if they offered.
*blink blink* You're 9 months pregnant and your H expects/wants you to cook all meals at home?!
Your dad and your dh are dicks. You and your mother should enjoy whatever meals out you want, and let those assholes fix their own food.
Why is her dad a dick? Because he got "super angry" upon being told that his son-in-law would not allow him to treat his own daughter to dinner? Fuck that. I would be angry if my child's partner was a controlling asshole. My parents would be furious if my H pulled this shit--and rightfully so, IMO.
(FWIW, I do agree that telling them in the time and manner the OP told them in was not the best move. I just don't find the fact that her dad got angry upon being told to reflect poorly on him.)