I want to know what the H said exactly. Maybe it was something along the lines of "honey, I don't like for your parents to be paying for all the meals when they come over. They are really generous offering to watch DD so we shouldn't be taking advantage of them, what do you think about cooking the meals at home?"
And then OP overreacted and told the story completely out of context to her parents, who like the drama as well.
I got this vibe because one of my sisters is exactly like that and she loves to call and create drama.
He said "Let your parents know that I don't want them taking us out to lunch or dinner or order take out when they visit. I don't want them paying for us and I don't want to have to pay for all of us or split the bill with them. I want you to cook all meals when they visit so plan what you are making ahead of time."
This is why I got upset. Because of the way he said it. It would have been different if he had presented it the way you thought he did.
Well your H was way way out of line, but I'm glad he apologized, and that you were able to smooth things over with your parents. Hope your labor starts soon!
I want you to cook all meals when they visit so plan what you are making ahead of time."
:-#
I wish it had made you more than "upset". I wish it had made you raging mad. Mad enough to tear him a new one.
What the ever loving fuck?
Your DH is a D I C K. PLEASE do not say to us "Oh, but other wise he's really a great guy!!!!!". Great guys are not huge fucking DICKS to their 40 week pregnant wife.
I want to know what the H said exactly. Maybe it was something along the lines of "honey, I don't like for your parents to be paying for all the meals when they come over. They are really generous offering to watch DD so we shouldn't be taking advantage of them, what do you think about cooking the meals at home?"
And then OP overreacted and told the story completely out of context to her parents, who like the drama as well.
I got this vibe because one of my sisters is exactly like that and she loves to call and create drama.
He said "Let your parents know that I don't want them taking us out to lunch or dinner or order take out when they visit. I don't want them paying for us and I don't want to have to pay for all of us or split the bill with them. I want you to cook all meals when they visit so plan what you are making ahead of time."
This is why I got upset. Because of the way he said it. It would have been different if he had presented it the way you thought he did.
Ah, ok, I apologize then. I was thinking that maybe the way you told the story painted your H in a bad way. I'm sorry I made that assumption.
If your H said that, as you have quoted him, I'd be furious. That is totally unacceptable.
I want to know what the H said exactly. Maybe it was something along the lines of "honey, I don't like for your parents to be paying for all the meals when they come over. They are really generous offering to watch DD so we shouldn't be taking advantage of them, what do you think about cooking the meals at home?"
And then OP overreacted and told the story completely out of context to her parents, who like the drama as well.
I got this vibe because one of my sisters is exactly like that and she loves to call and create drama.
He said "Let your parents know that I don't want them taking us out to lunch or dinner or order take out when they visit. I don't want them paying for us and I don't want to have to pay for all of us or split the bill with them. I want you to cook all meals when they visit so plan what you are making ahead of time."
This is why I got upset. Because of the way he said it. It would have been different if he had presented it the way you thought he did.
And I would have responded with, "And YOU can bend over so I can insert all the cooking utensils in your ass, because you're a douchebag."
I want to know what the H said exactly. Maybe it was something along the lines of "honey, I don't like for your parents to be paying for all the meals when they come over. They are really generous offering to watch DD so we shouldn't be taking advantage of them, what do you think about cooking the meals at home?"
And then OP overreacted and told the story completely out of context to her parents, who like the drama as well.
I got this vibe because one of my sisters is exactly like that and she loves to call and create drama.
He said "Let your parents know that I don't want them taking us out to lunch or dinner or order take out when they visit. I don't want them paying for us and I don't want to have to pay for all of us or split the bill with them. I want you to cook all meals when they visit so plan what you are making ahead of time."
This is why I got upset. Because of the way he said it. It would have been different if he had presented it the way you thought he did.
OMG. What the fuck planet is your H living on that this is an acceptable way to speak to your wife?
He is not your fucking slave master. I'm just so baffled by this. I feel like I've been transported to the 1950s with your post. I just can't comprehend.
Is he always this controlling, bossy and thoughtless?
What exactly did he say in his apology? I hope he told you he was complete and utter ass and had a temporary moment of insanity. What an asshole.
OMFG, you are 40 wks pg and your husband wants you to cook all meals? When there are nice people willing and able to take you out? Does your husband WANT to get kicked in the balls?
This. As I mentioned on MMM last night, I can't even be bothered to cook for DD or myself right now, much less any visitors.
I kind of get weird financial pissing matches. My parents used to offer to pay for my train tickets to come visit them shortly after I married DH. It drove DH nuts to think my parents assumed we weren't making enough to cover the trips even though the reality was that he was in school full-time. But it wasn't worth arguing over when I could just charge the tix to a credit card. The effort required to actually cook late in pregnancy, especially for people who might feel uncomfortable seeing their uber-pregnant daughter go out of her way? That can't just be mustered up out of nowhere.
I would really like to know what this apology entailed.
And this whole "different upbringings" bullshit. As a GROWN MAN, your DH should be able to understand and respect that "different" isn't wrong. Now- does that mean he should accept every free meal offered by your parents? No, of course not. This needs to be about mutual respect. But your DH digging his heels in over this and basically making everyone comply to HIS way of doing things - and at YOUR expense - it's utterly ridiculous.
He doesn't want to eat out a lot? Fine. Then HE can go to the store and stock up on bagels and simple breakfast items, sandwich makings for lunch, and for dinner - agree to go out perhaps 1/2 the time they are here. The nights you don't go out? He can perhaps work WITH you to help you cook, or buy a rotisserie chicken from the store (SUCH an easy meal) and make some simple sides.
Or... whatever. Meals don't have to be complicated, but he should be working WITH you to make this all happen. Not dictate "we're eating in, you figure it out and you cook".
Post by 5dollarshake on Jul 11, 2014 9:47:20 GMT -5
40 weeks pregnant?? No way. Your parents want to come take care of their daughter and grandkid(s) -- let them. I can't believe your H ordered you to cook all meals. You've gotten a lot of good feedback here, so hopefully you have a talk with your H about how his expectations of his pregnant (and soon to be taking care of newborn) wife are out of line.
Post by nonsenseabound on Jul 11, 2014 9:49:31 GMT -5
If DH said this to me, the response would, "um, oh hell no." And then I would proceed to tell him that I'm super pregnant, my parents can afford it, and if he wants us to eat at home for a meal then HE can make said meal and it better be restaurant quality. But like hell if I'm passing up free lunch with MY parents.
He then would've kicked himself in the balls for being an asshole.
Now I'm not going to say your DH is a total asshole all the time. Everyone has stupid selfish moments. But I will say he was an asshole about this and that you were a doormat for going along with it. If you are mad and disagree, then fucking stand up for yourself.
Post by Doggy Mommy on Jul 11, 2014 9:54:31 GMT -5
Your husband does not get to tell you how many meals you will be cooking and for whom. He also does not get to tell your parents what to do with their money and how to treat their daughter. The biggest problem is that he seems to think he is the dictator of the house and you should obey his every whim. He has ZERO concern about your thoughts, desires, and physical wellbeing.
You should not have dragged your parents into all this drama. That was really immature. You should have told your husband to STFU and stay home and cook himself dinner when your parents take you and the kids out. But since you did involve your parents, I think your dad was completely justified in being pissed off. It's probably good that he stayed at a hotel because it sounds like he was furious with your husband.
Your problem here has nothing to do with a difference in your upbringings regarding spending money.
Um, yeah. If he had simply said he was uncomfortable with your parents paying for his meal, then maybe it would be about money. But he told you not to go out to lunch with your parents while he is at work and demanded that you cook all meals. That is about control. Assuming you are portraying him accurately, he sounds like a first rate asshole.
I feel awful for your parents. I would hate it if I had to go play nice with someone who was treating my child this poorly.
Eh, I am your H in this situation, except I'm the one who wants to do the cooking. MIL eats out 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. She wants to "pay us back" for having her to see us by taking us out when she's hear. After a couple of days, we all have stomach aches from all of the processed food, and I just want to cook a meal. Every time I've done so, it's been so-so and i'm sure MIL wishes she was at Panera instead.
That said, it's a mild conversation I have with DH and we don't share it with MIL.
We have had to deal with different approaches over the years as well. DH's family is very quid pro quo. My family is not. So when my parents visit, my dad asks if there's anything around the house to fix/install (he's very handy). It's his love language, and i love it. It took a few years for H to realize my dad wasn't going to ask for something in return.
I'm glad you got it smoothed over. And I kinda love your dad right now. Yay him for wanting to protect his little girl from being dictated to. Your H did not do a good job of explaining things, and I'd be pissed as hell about that, too. Although, I would address it with him immediately.
You don't need this stress right now, and hopefully all will blow over shortly when you are having your baby. But, at some point, you all should work on your communication styles. Perhaps in counseling, but at a minimum your H needs to know why that is an unacceptable way to speak to his wife.
And, TBH, I can't help but get a fundie vibe. Or at least, as others already mentioned, the 50s housewife. I hope this was a one-off thing.
Let your parents stay at the hotel. And go stay with them. Tell your dickwad husband that he's on his own for the week, while you eat out and relax by the pool with your parents.
Post by karinothing on Jul 11, 2014 11:43:27 GMT -5
Well, I would not have told my parents. I would have laughed at DH and said whatever and then gone out to eat with my parents and left DH home with a can of soup.
Good update, but you still need to get your husband all the way together. This is not about different upbringings or attitudes toward money. He needs to be more respectful of you.
This was my initial thought too. Your husband's attitude towards your parents trumped YOU and your needs. Your parents realized that cooking for a group at 40 weeks pregnant would be difficult at best and were trying to make things easier for you. And whatever the reason (whether it was his pride about them paying or whatever), he couldn't put it aside to make things easier for YOU.
Well, I would not have told my parents. I would have laughed at DH and said whatever and then gone out to eat with my parents and left DH home with a can of soup.
My husband would have been left to get his own fucking can of soup
Well, I would not have told my parents. I would have laughed at DH and said whatever and then gone out to eat with my parents and left DH home with a can of soup.
My husband would have been left to get his own fucking can of soup
ha ha well I was assuming it was already in the pantry.
Eh, I am your H in this situation, except I'm the one who wants to do the cooking. MIL eats out 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. She wants to "pay us back" for having her to see us by taking us out when she's hear. After a couple of days, we all have stomach aches from all of the processed food, and I just want to cook a meal. Every time I've done so, it's been so-so and i'm sure MIL wishes she was at Panera instead.
That said, it's a mild conversation I have with DH and we don't share it with MIL.
We have had to deal with different approaches over the years as well. DH's family is very quid pro quo. My family is not. So when my parents visit, my dad asks if there's anything around the house to fix/install (he's very handy). It's his love language, and i love it. It took a few years for H to realize my dad wasn't going to ask for something in return.
ETA: read your update with the quote. Oh hells no
This is a big difference. OP did not want to do the cooking. Her DH wanted her to be the one to do it. Not his decision to make.
Eh, I am your H in this situation, except I'm the one who wants to do the cooking. MIL eats out 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. She wants to "pay us back" for having her to see us by taking us out when she's hear. After a couple of days, we all have stomach aches from all of the processed food, and I just want to cook a meal. Every time I've done so, it's been so-so and i'm sure MIL wishes she was at Panera instead.
That said, it's a mild conversation I have with DH and we don't share it with MIL.
We have had to deal with different approaches over the years as well. DH's family is very quid pro quo. My family is not. So when my parents visit, my dad asks if there's anything around the house to fix/install (he's very handy). It's his love language, and i love it. It took a few years for H to realize my dad wasn't going to ask for something in return.
ETA: read your update with the quote. Oh hells no
This is a big difference. OP did not want to do the cooking. Her DH wanted her to be the one to do it. Not his decision to make.
The big issue here is not about your upbringing/money. It was the way your husband talked to you and that he expected YOU to cook all the meals. If he said that you weren't going out, and he was going to cook all the meals instead, that would be different. Still annoying, but I wouldn't think your DH was a jerk. I can't believe that he would expect you to do all the cooking, 40 weeks pregnant or not. The 1950's called and they want your husband back. Seriously, he is an ass.
The big issue here is not about your upbringing/money. It was the way your husband talked to you and that he expected YOU to cook all the meals. If he said that you weren't going out, and he was going to cook all the meals instead, that would be different. Still annoying, but I wouldn't think your DH was a jerk. I can't believe that he would expect you to do all the cooking, 40 weeks pregnant or not. The 1950's called and they want your husband back. Seriously, he is an ass.
My thoughts exactly.
My dh is like yours, OP, in that he doesn't like the way my family is fairly easy going about lending, spending, and borrowing money. He'd rather us pay for everything thing ourselves. He likes being financially independent, a provider and hates to impose. However, at 40 weeks pg, he'd damn well know that if he didn't want my mom paying our way, he better do the cooking!