Intro

[greycat]

Hi everyone. I've been lurking over here a bit. My brother has struggled with drug addiction since middle school. He probably also has undiagnosed mental health issues (suspected bipolar disorder). He was mentally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me growing up. He never did it in front of my parents and I never told them about it. Recently he has started using heroin regularly and is on a downward spiral. A couple of weeks ago he was hospitalized on a suicide hold and offered in patient treatment at a rehab but did not go. My parents have been helping him for years and are classic enablers. My dad recently decided that he was done helping and has been the most relaxed I've seen him for years. My mom is still enabling him.

I am at peace with my brother's issues. However I am pretty angry at my parents for putting me second all these years and for not realizing that my brother was so awful to me. My brother's choices always seem to impact me even though we have almost no relationship. I am seeing a counselor and have found it really helpful but thought it might be nice to have support here too.

[btay]

I am glad you are having some success with the counselor and I am so sorry for all you have had to go through

[greycat]

Thanks btay! I know it pales in comparison to those dealing with the addiction of a spouse or parent.

[Deleted]

Jul 11, 2014 3:01:26 GMT -5 greycat said:

Thanks btay! I know it pales in comparison to those dealing with the addiction of a spouse or parent.

Not true.  Suffering is suffering.  Glad you are being good to yourself and getting some counseling.  Your parents probably don't even realize how divided their attention was (and continues to be).  Maybe you'll figure out a way to let them know someday about the hurt you've dealt with.  

Glad you joined our little group!

[flex]

There's no paling in addiction! lol

Hi greycat and welcome. We're here for you!

[mel]

I'm glad that you were able to get into counseling and are finding it helpful. We are here for you too!

[partiallysunny]

I'm glad you're in counseling and it seems to be helping.

What I've found with enabling parents (or parents that help one child over another) is usually the child they don't help has their shit together. Doesn't NEED help (whether this is true or not doesn't, It's just how the parent(s) view it).

Not that that excuses what you've been through, but it might help you understand their thinking.

Do your parents know you have resentment over these issues?

[flex]

I think one way to help get over the resentment towards your parents is to be honest with them (in a non-confrontational way) and tell them what your brother did to you. I know this is easier said then done, but it is important if you want to be able to let go of the past.

We're only as sick as our secrets. Make sense? : )

[greycat]

Thanks everyone! I do tend to minimize my own feelings - thanks for calling me out. Although, it is much easier dealing with my brother's addiction at this point because I don't see him often. My heart goes out to those who are dealing with addiction everyday - it is so tough.

My parents do know about my brother's actions, but feel that since it was in the past (and they didn't know at the time) that there isn't anything to do. It is very difficult to talk to my mom - she is very emotional and takes everything as criticism. I was able to speak to both her and my dad a couple of weeks ago and lay it all out there. I don't think my mom really heard me but at least I feel like I said what I needed to.

[aprilsails]

I realize I'm coming into this thread late but I come from a very similar background. Unfortunately, my brother and I both gave as good as we got during high school so I'm ashamed to say I was probably pretty abusive towards him as well.

My brother is currently in year 2 of a methadone treatment program and is effectively back to 'normal'. In the past two years may family has managed to pull back together to support him and we've mended fences. My parents have always been frankly apologetic towards my sister and I. I don't hold a grudge since my brother was the one who put them through hell.

I don't know how she phrases it exactly, but my Mom has a way of saying something to the effect of "Right now dealing with this from the outside sucks. Can you imagine how much more infinitely shitty it is from the inside?" This has tempered my anger and frustration with my brother over the years. That and the fact that he's genuinely a nice guy when he's not struggling.