Demons come back so quickly

[aba]

I am going insane with the "demons" (no, I don't really believe there are demons inside me haha) in my head lately. I NEED to lose weight. Omg...I can't handle it. I hate my weight. I need to lose at least 15 lbs. 

I tried on many occasions to lose weight in a healthy way, yet as soon as I begin my "diet," I immediately turn to old ways and start restricting. I am VERY black and white. It's all of nothing. I want results NOW. I panic if I don't see results on a daily basis, aka if I don't lose weight every day. I know it's totally unrealistic to expect to lose weight every day as I might be holding water weight, etc. but I don't care. I feel such a huge deal of disappointment and failure if I'm not down at least .5 lbs/day. Ugh, I'm sorry there is no real point to this post. I'm just so frustrated. I hate weekends. I need work to distract me. I have actually thought about getting a part-time weekend job just to get out of my own head. 

[malibu]

Not a pointless or stupid post at all. You need help and you are asking for it, that is a great start.

First, standard question - are you in or connected to a therapist? One who specializes in EDs, perhaps? If not, I would suggest doing whatever you can do to find and contact one as soon as possible.

Second, what sorts of coping tools do you have? Positive tools, that is? Do you have any you can turn to? Meditation? Positive self-talk?

Finally, I am sorry you are feeling trapped in these thoughts.

[aba]

I no longer see a therapist. I haven't for over a year now. I saw one before, but I actually never really connected with her and it just felt like such a waste of time.

The problem is, that I'm almost welcoming the ED back because I need to lose weight. I HATE the horrible thoughts that come along with the ED, but I love the weight dropping part. I don't really want to give that up right now. At least not until I have lost the weight. So, I don't think a therapist would do much because I am unwilling to change anything right now.

I do have some coping tools. I actually spent about 2 hours today studying for my upcoming board exam. It is stressful, but gives me something to focus on.

[mel]

Hugs! I totally understand the demon thing. Perhaps it's time to look for another therapist? Sometimes it can take time to find one that you connect with so be patient and don't just settle on the first one you come across. I learned that lesson the hard way.

[spedrunner]

its hard.  I have found that therapy has REALLY helped me......I have to change my way of thinking.  That is most difficult

You have to someway get the concept of dieting out of your head.  

Why are you trying to lose weight? are you overweight? unhealthy? doctors orders, etc? Or is it just bc you want to be thinner, control, etc.  Ask yourself these questions

Focus on healthy living, doing GOOD stuff for your body, fueling your body, etc.  Its hard and a work in progress, not easy and there are many ups and downs. I am slowly doing it, if i can YOU CAN!  

[cinnamoncox]

((Hugs))
You CAN control this, control what you eat. Don't have to restrict, just take ownership of your input and chose what you want . Like sped asked, what is the weight loss about? Are you truly 15 pounds over weight ? Would losing 15 pounds improve anything for you? Or would you then want to lose more weight?
I've found with my issues, once the weight is gone (I just lost 40), my OCD attaches to something else , so perhaps you need to let go of the weight aspect and speak to someone about what you expect out of the weight loss.
You are still you, (I presume) funny. Smart, kind, have a lot to offer, etc.
Weight is one tiny portion of us.

Find a new therapist. I didn't click with one and she didn't really do any good and it was years until I was open to the idea that maybe she wasn't a good fit and now I see someone else.
She's not perfect, but neither am I

Please try to get in to someone who specializes in ED, it's difficult to overcome and it can be met with such a different reaction to other types of issues that I really believe a specialist is in order.

Good luck

[aba]

Thanks guys...I am not overweight. My BMI is 21. I don't want to be anorexic again, but I am just so uncomfortable at this weight. I feel ashamed, especially now that it is summer and very difficult to cover-up with clothes. My co-worker commented today that I am always wearing layers even if it's 100 degrees outside. She is right, I do wear layers, but more so for modesty. I have been trying to wear more "summer" clothes, but I hate how I look. I prefer to hide under long skirts:-/

I did actually contact a dietitian yesterday. My new insurance is wonderful and will cover dietitian appointments for just a small co-pay. I figured maybe the dietitian could help me lose a bit of weight the HEALTHY way. I know how to do it properly, but I think it would be good to have someone I am accountable to. We will see.

[spedrunner]

aba do you think you are uncomfortable with the number/size or your actual weight?

[aba]

Both haha I hate the actual size, but also the number on the scale. It's just not acceptable in my ED brain.

[greycat]

Hugs! I've struggled with my weight and body image for a long time. My goal is to feel comfortable in my own skin. I have found working with a counselor to be really helpful. I'm a perfectionist and he actually understands (he used to be too). It could hurt to try another therapist to see if you click better. Meeting with a registered dietician sounds like a good step too.

[spedrunner]

Jul 14, 2014 18:22:50 GMT -5 aba said:

Both haha I hate the actual size, but also the number on the scale. It's just not acceptable in my ED brain.

Ok this is what I wanted to know.  You really need to change your way of thinking.  I def think therapy will be very helpful to you.  Please stop beating yourself up and start looking at it as fueling and taking care of youraelf and your amazing body.  

Xoxo

[just]

I'm not in a great position to help, as I struggle so much. I've appreciated your help when I was under an AE. I'm another vote for trying another therapist. Maybe my journey can help.

I've gone through a number of therapists and while none are perfect, I've learned something from most. If you can find someone with ED or if nothing else, addiction experience, that could be ideal.

From my perspective, I ditched therapists at key times. I went to someone early when I didn't really want to stop. Then I quit therapy, then I switched. Then I went to someone when I wanted to stop but was in denial. Then I quit therapy, then I switched. Then I went to someone who was really ... soft and accepted me. It was perfect at the time, I accepted what I was doing, but didn't necessarily stop. Then I quit therapy and switched.

I approached my current therapist because I accepted my ED, accepted that it didn't define me, and wanted to stop. She isn't perfect, but with my previous experience and her guidance I feel more empowered than ever before.

That's all I've got beyond lots of good thoughts.