Post 2 - Family Program in more detail. Long.

[malibu]

As I stated last night in my brief post, I finished the Family Program at Hazelden. I'm comfortable sharing what treatment center my H has been a part of because I think they are top-notch. No, he didn't see Robin Williams. He knew he was there but on a totally different side of the complex. It was a four day program, beginning at 8:30 each morning, and ending each night at 7:30, if I opted to see the evening's speakers each night. I did go to each speaking session except last night, when I was completely spent.

The first day entailed learning about addiction. A lot of my ideas of addiction were dead wrong. Completely wrong. I've spent years screaming at my husband that if he loved me, if he loved our daughter enough, he could quit drinking. The misconceptions of this idea are kind of astounding. On the first day, they showed us a video called "Pleasure Unwoven". If you or a loved one have an addiction, I HIGHLY recommend tracking down this video. Through watching it, I found that addiction goes so far beyond someone making poor choices. Addiction (as many already may be aware) is commonly a genetic thing that can be passed down. However, environmental things also play into it - for example, someone with the addiction genes would need to pick up that first drink or use cocaine for the first time for that gene to 'turn on'. Many addicts make poor choices (drunk driving, violence, etc.), but the addiction itself goes far deeper into the brain than the frontal cortex, which is responsible for decision making skills.

Addiction begins in the midbrain. I do not have much knowledge of the brain, and I suspect there are many reading this that don't, either. The midbrain is the part of the brain that has been around the longest through evolution. It is the part that is responsible for basic survival - eating, sleeping, sex, and fight/flight/freeze response. It is the part that unconsciously keeps us alive. In the midbrain of an addict, thanks to what's basically a defect, two neurotransmitters, dopamine and glutamine get messed up. In an addict, and this explains why my aunt continues to drink when she's been given a short timeframe to live if she continues drinking, the chemical they seek literally replaces all other survival needs as the #1 need to survive. This is why an addict can overlook consequences - divorce, job loss, poor decision making - and continue to seek the chemical. I probably didn't explain this well; I'm a little foggy as to what the dopamine/glutamine issue was. I plan to track this video down and watch it again. So this cleared up my confusion as to why my husband could be told that I wanted to leave him and take our child with me and he would continue to use. His need for alcohol was controlled by his midbrain telling him he needed it to survive. So, the first day was mostly about the addict and how addiction works.

An interesting and highly beneficial part of the entire program is that there are patients included in the program. We had 10-12 patients with us every day through Saturday. Hearing their stories - these totally normal people who had families or spouses of their own - was what helped me gain compassion for my H's situation. I connected with one of the women, her life was so much like mine, just on the opposite side of addiction. None of the men were much different than my H - many married, kids, loved their families very much. It helped to relieve some of the anger and resentment I have toward my H.

On the second day, we talked more about the response of the family and loved ones surrounding an addict. It was quite interesting to see how the emotional response of the loved ones follow a pretty similar pattern of the addict. As the addict loses control, the family is trying to get control and "fix" the addict. They talk about the three C's - Cause, Control, and Cure. A loved one, no matter how hard they try, threaten, cry - is not the Cause of addiction, they cannot Control it, and they cannot Cure it. While there, it was talked about how the loved ones close to an addict need to complete their own recovery program - emotional recovery. The loved ones need to recover from weeks, months, or years of emotional addiction and breakdown. We become addicted to trying to help the addict and obsessed with him/her; and it ruins our lives as well as those around us who we disconnect from as we become more isolated, completely centering our world around the addict. It's not malicious, it's not intended to hurt the addict, but our fear, anger, guilt, resentment, isolation, and helplessness consume us as much as the chemical consumes the addict. They talked extensively about participating in Al-Anon (Alateen for kids) and completing the twelve steps that are nearly identical to AA/NA steps in order to emotionally recover ourselves. An addict will likely need AA/NA for their recovery throughout their entire lives; family members will likely need Al-Anon for the rest of their lives, even after both addict and FM are in recovery for a long time.

The third day was more about spirituality. Not religion, but spirituality. Believing in the need for a higher power - not always God (if one is religious, they will or can choose God or their religion's higher power), but something greater than oneself. Meaning it can be anything someone wants - the AA group, nature, science, - anything that they feel can be something greater than themselves. Since addiction is such a self-centered disease, it's a major part of recovery - giving up one's own needs to something bigger than them.

The fourth day was about relapse. Not the addict's relapse, although it was touched upon, but the family members' relapse. Relapse into old habits, feelings, or behaviors. Most everyone in the group couldn't remember the last time they did something for themselves. Self-care was highly emphasized - do things you enjoy. Take care of yourself - it's OK to be selfish. We talked about the correct way to set boundaries and assertiveness - use "I feel _____, because ______, I want/need _____" statements when setting boundaries. This will be hard for me. I've spent years making demands of my H, I've said terrible things to him ("lazy ass" comes to mind), and I'm not used to doing the "I" statements so he doesn't feel attacked. They once again stressed doing our own Al-Anon program, which includes getting a sponsor. We had our own medallion ceremony (which is 'graduating' from the program). H and I had a family conference to discuss his aftercare program, my aftercare program, and just let some things out in the open.

Like I said in my post last night, I didn't come home miraculously cured of eight years of anger, resentment, guilt, etc. However, while those feelings have softened, I know today to detach those feelings from direction to my H as a person, and instead to the addiction itself. They explain that having an addiction is to a family member like watching your spouse have an affair. They love the addiction more than the spouse - not because they choose to, but because addiction has become what they need to survive. It doesn't mean my H loves alcohol more than me - although to me that's what it felt like, but because his brain told him he needed to drink to survive. I plan to now attend Al-Anon meetings (although I'll likely have to wait until he's home next week to do so - there are definitely some around me, but I'd either need child care, or they're at 10 a.m. on a Wednesday morning, when I'm, you know, at work), and will now begin searching for a therapist. I realized during the four days just HOW angry I am. Overwhelmingly, crushingly angry and resentful.

So, very, VERY long story short, I learned a ton. I'm not 'fixed', and he won't be either, we'll both deal with these things for the rest of our lives. There's no real answer on how I will be able to trust him again, other than his words and actions matching up for an undetermined period of time. He's aware my trust in him is in the toilet. He seems to be doing well in the program, and is set up for aftercare when he's finished treatment next Tuesday. He's made a buddy who gets out around the same time as him who he plans on attending an AA meeting with, which is huge for him. If it was just him going on his own, I'd feel uncomfortable that he wouldn't follow through. He doesn't make friends easily, so I'm quite thrilled he's connected with someone and has real plans to continue his recovery program with this friend.

So, yeah. Physically I'm spent. Emotionally I'm drained. I kept being an idiot both Friday and Saturday nights and stayed up watching Criminal Minds, so I had lack of sleep going on. Hearing the others' stories was emotionally exhausting. Both verbal and physical abuse were brought up a few times by other participants. There were minor children there who spoke of their experiences with their addict parents - heartbreaking. I enjoyed the program though, and as I said before, I highly, HIGHLY recommend it to anyone with an addiction and to anyone with a loved one struggling with addiction.  

[btay]

I am so glad you got a lot out of it. Did you get the monkey chatter lecture on the last day? That was by far my favorite part of the entire program so I really hope that counselor was there. Trust=words+actions matching over time was one of my other huge take aways from the weekend. I would find myself repeating it to myself often when dealing with my stbxh, and now my SIL

[flex]

WELL SAID MALIBU!!!!

I'm so so so glad you learned a lot and that it's helping you. (((tons of hugs)))

[malibu]

btay YES, we got to hear about monkey chatter. That got a good laugh out of everyone. (Good timing too, I think everyone was feeling pretty overwhelmed.) The way she did it too was funny.

"The circus is still in town but at least I've lost a few monkeys." Ha

[partiallysunny]

That seems like real progress malibu!

Didn't beat yourself up about staying up late. After emotionally charged days, its good towatch some mindless tv.

[flex]

Jul 14, 2014 12:48:12 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

That seems like real progress malibu!

Didn't beat yourself up about staying up late. After emotionally charged days, its good towatch some mindless tv.

YES!  Your brain is assimilating a lot of stuff and it is hard to turn switch it off at night.

[malibu]

LOL my issue was that I was up late watching damn Criminal Minds. Every time I watch that alone and at night, I get all creeped out and don't sleep.

OH - and another thing that happened while in the program. So, Friday we're done and heading out to break for lunch. I open my FB, which I haven't looked at for a few days.

A friend I've had since 1996, and the person I was engaged to when I was 18, died Thursday night. The cause? Alcohol. He and I remained friends over the years. His girlfriend posted on his FB page, which is how I found out. Apparently, he was admitted the weekend before. He was on life support until he was moved to hospice on Thursday, passing Thursday night. I guess on Wednesday he woke up long enough to say his goodbyes. His liver and kidneys failed due to drinking.

So that also kept me up Friday night, along with too much solo Criminal Minds time. I haven't cried - it's been a while since we've been in touch, but his GF said to me on FB that he'd spoken of me over their years together and spoke highly of me. So that was all pretty sad. And ironic, since I found out in the middle of a program about addiction.

[flex]

Jul 14, 2014 12:57:59 GMT -5 malibu said:

LOL my issue was that I was up late watching damn Criminal Minds. Every time I watch that alone and at night, I get all creeped out and don't sleep.

OH - and another thing that happened while in the program. So, Friday we're done and heading out to break for lunch. I open my FB, which I haven't looked at for a few days.

A friend I've had since 1996, and the person I was engaged to when I was 18, died Thursday night. The cause? Alcohol. He and I remained friends over the years. His girlfriend posted on his FB page, which is how I found out. Apparently, he was admitted the weekend before. He was on life support until he was moved to hospice on Thursday, passing Thursday night. I guess on Wednesday he woke up long enough to say his goodbyes. His liver and kidneys failed due to drinking.

So that also kept me up Friday night, along with too much solo Criminal Minds time. I haven't cried - it's been a while since we've been in touch, but his GF said to me on FB that he'd spoken of me over their years together and spoke highly of me. So that was all pretty sad. And ironic, since I found out in the middle of a program about addiction.

Wow!  I'm so sorry.  How old was your friend?

I tell you what alcoholism (and drug addiction) is such a terrible disease.  There are people dying out there because of it.

[malibu]

flex he was 43. The saddest part is that he has a 14 year old son. The mother has been out of his life since he was 3 or 4. She was an addict (drugs and alcohol), would leave him home alone to go out and prostitute herself and do drugs. So my friend ended up fighting for custody and won. So now his dad is gone, his mother is totally unfit and hasn't been in his life for ten years. His parents must be near 80, so I doubt they're a viable option, in addition to the fact they live in far north MN and my friend and his son were/are in FL. I do not know whether the son's mother's family is at all in the picture. So I'm sad for him.

[lime]

Big hugs, Malibu.

It sounds like you learned a lot in 4 days and have some good tools to go forward.

[greycat]

Thanks so much for sharing! I'll definitely check out the video.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Hugs!

[aprilsails]

I'm glad you were able to take so much out of the program. It also sounds as though they've warned you well about the challenges to come. Knowledge is power and you will be better prepared for the future.

Best wishes to you and your DH.

[SwimDeep]

malibu - thank you so much for sharing this! It has given me so much clarity and helped me see how al-anon could be extremely helpful for me. Thank you!