ED: Another demons/negative voices post.

[just]

I actually came here to post exactly what aba did yesterday. I didn't want to hijack her thread though. 

10 years bulimic, in more of a recovery now than ever before. Over the last 10 months I've put on a lot of weight - as expected with the recovery. My therapist has told me to avoid dieting and focusing too much on exercising over that time so as not to fall back in to old ways. She said I'd know when I was ready to approach both without my ED controlling it.

She's right. I'm at a point where I want to do some bike races, get back into swimming which is my meditation, interested in yoga. And all of this is fueled beyond how I look, what I weigh. I want to try new things, accomplish new things, appreciate my body for what it can do rather than what it looks like.

But a few issues are haunting me.

One, I feel like a whale in my swimsuit/ on my bike/ on the mat. At my last 80k bike ride which I did in under 4 hours (which is good for me)!!! I came home and all I saw was hips, belly, boobs, nasty. My mantra is "I'm here to be awesome, not to look awesome" and that usually works once I'm there, but it can be a block to getting me there and can color the accomplishment.

Two, my perfectionist/competitive streak is killing me. I'm not fast as that person, limber as that person, thin as that person. I remind myself to stay in my own lane/stay in my own head. But that can be a challenge. 

Finally, ugh self-esteem. I twist everything, beat myself up on everything. At my bike ride, an older guy over took me (not the issue) and said - "you're doing an amazing job, kid" and all I thought was "you're doing an amazing job for a fat chick". Comments like that are to buoy you on the uphills, people do it all the time, and they're meant in good, true spirit. But that's not how I took it. Similarly, after beating my PR for swimming, I went to lift out of the water, and my arms gave in, so I had to use the ladder. It got me so fucking down.

I know all the stuff to do ... the mantras, the positive thought, but sometimes, it helps to share.

Thanks for listening.


ETA: I'm actually aeforpb. I'm throwing my lot in here and not being ashamed anymore (with my 80 odd posts!).  I wanted to add this here because some of the active members on this board also helped me in that post. I actually suggested an ED board at that point, but  I love the idea of recovery - it's much more accommodating.

[spedrunner]

you do NOT have to be the BEST at everything or anything. You just have to be the best for you!

Dont compare and compete. I know it s very hard and VERY difficult, i do it too

ED are evil, the voices come back. You have to be stronger and fight them. Your happiness is about life and living it, not about food, weight, etc.

Also, the recovery board is for any addictions/issues. Post away! I find that i can relate to others with addictions because it is basically about the same thing. we just chose different ways to abuse ourselves and hate ourselves

[malibu]

What sped said. As I just commented in your other post, I don't have ED experience so I can't comment much. I will say, however, that as someone who's not had an ED, that you are not alone. I have those same thoughts - not as good as X person, that person is thinner than me, perfectionist/competitive as well. I don't think the thoughts you have are so different than many others who struggle with body image have. I suppose they could be intensified for someone with an ED, in that it's harder to let go of those thoughts (I can have a fleeting thought and it won't bother me much afterwards).

However, an 80k bike race is incredible. You should be very proud of yourself for accomplishing that - that's really impressive.

[partiallysunny]

As malibu said, even those without ED can have similar thoughts. Hopefully that makes you feel a little bit better, lol.

Good luck. I hope you're able to add the activities you love back into your life