So, H comes home Monday night.

[malibu]

Last weekend with just DD and me. I'm looking forward to his return home but at the same time, dreading the hell out of it because it's causing me so much anxiety. "What if he comes home and does the same thing?" "What if I missed a bottle he knows is sitting around the house somewhere?" etc. is making me horribly anxious. There's not much I can do other than take care of myself and DD, but if she's in his care, I am having a hell of a time getting past my anxieties and concerns about her safety if he chooses to pick up his drinking again. The last month has been stressful, but a different kind, and I know that a big part of what I'd been feeling was relief not having to worry about his drinking problem.

[flex]

yes, please keep up with therapy and Al-Anon. Your anxieties are not going to go away overnight, yet you don't want to be hovering over him every minute of the day. He'll resent you for that, and you'll be a nervous wreck.

Be prepared to be honest and open with him about your concerns. Open communication between the two of you is so important.

[malibu]

A big trigger for me is when he isn't at work, just sitting at home. I can't not go to work on days he'll be home, so i have to get myself through that.

Garage for us, too. I know there are probably bottles in there I didn't find. And the basement. Anytime he goes in the basement, I automatically assume he's down there to drink. He'd go put clothes in the washer and swig out of a bottle he'd hidden in the laundry room.

I've taken his credit cards (he willingly gave them to me) to avoid him using them at a liquor store, he used those before and then had e-statements sent to him. If he used his check card, I'll see it. If he takes out cash, I'll see it, and he knows this. He knows I will be watching the bank account closely.

I will be going to my first Al-Anon meetingh Thursday night. I know from family program (FP from here out) that he needs to be in charge of his own recovery and me in charge of my emotional recovery, but damn it's hard. Especially when my daughter's safety and care is concerned.

[btay]

All I can say is it really does get easier over time, the longer he shows that he is working his program the easier it will be to believe him. Like you said before, trust is words and actions matching over time so it is totally normal to not trust anything right now, and he should have learned in his program that that is going to be his reality for a while, and he has to earn that trust back so just be honest with him, and identify your triggers. Mine were the garage, the bathroom, and the sound of a can being opened.

[Deleted]

Best wishes! I hope your H will continue to work his program. I can tell you that we have alcohol in the house, but once I made the decision, I was done. There is nothing that a drink will make better (for me at least) and I've not had the impulse to drink in my home. Not all people agree with my approach, but I can say it is working for me. (Almost seven years.)

If he has made the decision to stay sober with God's help, the booze he's hidden will just be an oops and go in the trash. I've seen this happen in many cases.

[mel]

Best wishes!

[cinnamoncox]

Good luck tonight Malibu. I can only imagine the anxieties you're feeling. I do think over time they will subside a bit, but it'll take awhile. If you're sure there isn't anything in the house, and he doesn't have access to money that you don't know about, I can't think of anything else you can do . The rest is up to him. I forget how old your dd is. Has he ever done anything dangerous while caring for her? I forget if you've mentioned this before, but I see you're very concerned about when he's caring for her while you're at work. Is this a general concern, or based on past issues?

I think it'll be a big adjustment and only time will tell just how it'll all sort itself out. For a new normal , you know?

I assume he's on meds for his depression? Good luck. It's going to be tricky for a bit, but AA and al anon and therapy, you have some great, knowledgable resources.
Take care and go easy on yourself and everyone. It will take some time.
((Hugs)) you're a strong woman.

[malibu]

Jul 21, 2014 8:19:22 GMT -5 cinnamoncox said:

Good luck tonight Malibu. I can only imagine the anxieties you're feeling. I do think over time they will subside a bit, but it'll take awhile. If you're sure there isn't anything in the house, and he doesn't have access to money that you don't know about, I can't think of anything else you can do . The rest is up to him. I forget how old your dd is. Has he ever done anything dangerous while caring for her? I forget if you've mentioned this before, but I see you're very concerned about when he's caring for her while you're at work. Is this a general concern, or based on past issues?

I think it'll be a big adjustment and only time will tell just how it'll all sort itself out. For a new normal , you know?

I assume he's on meds for his depression? Good luck. It's going to be tricky for a bit, but AA and al anon and therapy, you have some great, knowledgable resources.
Take care and go easy on yourself and everyone. It will take some time.
((Hugs)) you're a strong woman.

She's 3 1/2. He's owned up to driving with her in the car after drinking, so that obviously is a huge concern. My biggest issue with him being home alone with her is from past issues - he'd pass out and she'd run the house getting into anything and everything. Nothing bad has ever really happened, other than things getting broken, but it sends me into an anxiety spiral I can't get past. He knows this, we've talked about how I have zero trust, and he's well aware thanks to his treatment that it'll take words + actions to start rebuilding that trust. He claims he's ready to come home. I hope that's the case.

[cinnamoncox]

Oh ((hugs)). I can imagine the mixed emotions. I'd take it as a great sign that he is dealing with it head on and not making excuses, etc.
I truly wish you well, and I am sure the road is long, but you have started new and taking it day by day is all you can do, really.
Is there a way you can ease into him being alone for long stretches with her in the beginning while you get a better sense of how he is doing?
I know this may not be at all feasible.

[flex]

Jul 21, 2014 12:19:24 GMT -5 malibu said:

Jul 21, 2014 8:19:22 GMT -5 cinnamoncox said:

Good luck tonight Malibu. I can only imagine the anxieties you're feeling. I do think over time they will subside a bit, but it'll take awhile. If you're sure there isn't anything in the house, and he doesn't have access to money that you don't know about, I can't think of anything else you can do . The rest is up to him. I forget how old your dd is. Has he ever done anything dangerous while caring for her? I forget if you've mentioned this before, but I see you're very concerned about when he's caring for her while you're at work. Is this a general concern, or based on past issues?

I think it'll be a big adjustment and only time will tell just how it'll all sort itself out. For a new normal , you know?

I assume he's on meds for his depression? Good luck. It's going to be tricky for a bit, but AA and al anon and therapy, you have some great, knowledgable resources.
Take care and go easy on yourself and everyone. It will take some time.
((Hugs)) you're a strong woman.

She's 3 1/2. He's owned up to driving with her in the car after drinking, so that obviously is a huge concern. My biggest issue with him being home alone with her is from past issues - he'd pass out and she'd run the house getting into anything and everything. Nothing bad has ever really happened, other than things getting broken, but it sends me into an anxiety spiral I can't get past. He knows this, we've talked about how I have zero trust, and he's well aware thanks to his treatment that it'll take words + actions to start rebuilding that trust. He claims he's ready to come home. I hope that's the case.

I did that in my drinking days 20-plus years ago with DS1.  If i think about what could have happened, it makes me sick to my stomach.  I have no doubt that your H feels the same way.  I hope he can amends to you and your DD somehow.

So my point is that he knows exactly the damage that he has done to your family and I have no doubt he feels like crap about it.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jul 18, 2014 14:14:13 GMT -5 malibu said:

I will be going to my first Al-Anon meetingh Thursday night. I know from family program (FP from here out) that he needs to be in charge of his own recovery and me in charge of my emotional recovery, but damn it's hard. Especially when my daughter's safety and care is concerned.

next month it'll be a year since I started Al-anon and I find it vital to MY recovery. so another person chiming in about the necessity of FP for your sanity.

that said, I'm no longer w/ my h bc when he got out of rehab, he placed the responsibility of his recovery on ME !! and thanks to FP, I knew that was NOT acceptable. I couldn't be responsible for my recovery and his at the same time. create and stick to your boundaries - lord knows they've been a godsend to me !

I have a JUST 5 yo dd and I get how much your dd's safety and care is a HUGE concern of yours. my dd is what keeps me on the straight and narrow when it comes to her dad bc he decided to not take responsibility and ownership of his recovery, he relapsed  

[partiallysunny]

How are things going malibu? Thinking of you.

[bronco]

Jul 21, 2014 12:19:24 GMT -5 malibu said:

Jul 21, 2014 8:19:22 GMT -5 cinnamoncox said:

Good luck tonight Malibu. I can only imagine the anxieties you're feeling. I do think over time they will subside a bit, but it'll take awhile. If you're sure there isn't anything in the house, and he doesn't have access to money that you don't know about, I can't think of anything else you can do . The rest is up to him. I forget how old your dd is. Has he ever done anything dangerous while caring for her? I forget if you've mentioned this before, but I see you're very concerned about when he's caring for her while you're at work. Is this a general concern, or based on past issues?

She's 3 1/2. He's owned up to driving with her in the car after drinking, so that obviously is a huge concern. My biggest issue with him being home alone with her is from past issues - he'd pass out and she'd run the house getting into anything and everything. Nothing bad has ever really happened, other than things getting broken, but it sends me into an anxiety spiral I can't get past. He knows this, we've talked about how I have zero trust, and he's well aware thanks to his treatment that it'll take words + actions to start rebuilding that trust. He claims he's ready to come home. I hope that's the case.

I hope things have been going well for the last few days! I just wanted to offer support and add to the people who have the same fears. My DH hasn't driven while drinking with my boys, but I stupidly watched a documentary on Diane Schuler and was borderline hysterical convincing myself that would happen to my family.

I can relate to the panic of letting him be alone with them. He would come home from work drunk and walk right over and pick up one of the boys (they are 7 months, but 4.5 adjusted, so, still pretty little). And everyday I'm on edge around 5:00 until he comes in and I can assess if he has been drinking (so far so good). 
Anyway, sorry to make this about me! I understand some of what you are feeling and I hope that your DH, you and your kiddo are adjusting well to him being home!!  

[Deleted]

How's the family doing, malibu? Hope things are going well!

[malibu]

Well, he's hasn't had anything to drink since he's gotten home.

He also hasn't lifted a finger since he's gotten home. He hasn't unpacked his bags. Left dirty dishes in the sink, crap on the kitchen counters. This is especially irritating, as he left the house on June 24th in a state of complete disaster. I spent two of my weekends cleaning up the mess. I purged 13 bags of trash and three 20-gallon tubs of crap from the house last weekend. I'm not even done. I work, but I'm the one coming home and making dinner, giving DD a bath, entertaining her. He's too busy staring at his goddamn phone or the laptop to do a damn thing. In the impact statement I wrote at the direction of his counselor at Hazelden, although it wasn't part of his alcohol addiction, I had a full paragraph in there about how I was sick and tired of seeing electronics in his face all the time. Projects left unfinished, tools all over the house, etc., because he wouldn't get off his lazy ass and do anything. So after I came home yesterday, the 2nd day he's been home, and the house was exactly the same as I'd left it that morning, I flipped my shit. I haven't had a "day off" of doing anything - cooking, cleaning, going to work, parenting - in two months. Then I stormed off in an absolutely livid state and fell asleep in another room. He started his outpatient treatment today, so he's gone a good chunk of the day. I'm just so disappointed. He's not drinking, but nothing else has changed. I feel like a goddamn maid to everyone else in the house. It's not my messes I'm cleaning up. It's his and DD's. So I'm pretty pissy today. I guess my expectation was one that when he came home, clear headed for the first time in years, he might actually act like a grown up and pick up after himself. I told him how I feel completely unappreciated.

So I'm curious to see if he makes dinner tonight. Has his crap unpacked. Has done anything other than sit there after getting home a few hours before I do.

[btay]

I am so glad he hasn't had a drink, but I'm sorry he is still not helping around the house. Did they talk to you about post acute withdrawal at all? Do you think he is suffering from that at all? I know my stbxh took over a year to really get his motivation to do anything but the bare minimum every day.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2014 12:15:08 GMT -5 malibu said:

Well, he's hasn't had anything to drink since he's gotten home.

He also hasn't lifted a finger since he's gotten home. He hasn't unpacked his bags. Left dirty dishes in the sink, crap on the kitchen counters. This is especially irritating, as he left the house on June 24th in a state of complete disaster. I spent two of my weekends cleaning up the mess. I purged 13 bags of trash and three 20-gallon tubs of crap from the house last weekend. I'm not even done. I work, but I'm the one coming home and making dinner, giving DD a bath, entertaining her. He's too busy staring at his goddamn phone or the laptop to do a damn thing. In the impact statement I wrote at the direction of his counselor at Hazelden, although it wasn't part of his alcohol addiction, I had a full paragraph in there about how I was sick and tired of seeing electronics in his face all the time. Projects left unfinished, tools all over the house, etc., because he wouldn't get off his lazy ass and do anything. So after I came home yesterday, the 2nd day he's been home, and the house was exactly the same as I'd left it that morning, I flipped my shit. I haven't had a "day off" of doing anything - cooking, cleaning, going to work, parenting - in two months. Then I stormed off in an absolutely livid state and fell asleep in another room. He started his outpatient treatment today, so he's gone a good chunk of the day. I'm just so disappointed. He's not drinking, but nothing else has changed. I feel like a goddamn maid to everyone else in the house. It's not my messes I'm cleaning up. It's his and DD's. So I'm pretty pissy today. I guess my expectation was one that when he came home, clear headed for the first time in years, he might actually act like a grown up and pick up after himself. I told him how I feel completely unappreciated.

So I'm curious to see if he makes dinner tonight. Has his crap unpacked. Has done anything other than sit there after getting home a few hours before I do.

Hugs, malibu!  Give him a little more time.  It must be maddening.  At least he isn't drinking.  

I'm sorry about the messes.  I can't stand a messy house, so I am right there with you, sweetie.  He's processing a lot.  Trying to figure out how he is going to live the rest of his life without drinking.  Change will be slow.  But keep telling yourself at least he isn't drinking.  Do you have a big book?  Read the family afterward.  You might relate to some of that.  In AA, I've heard 5-7 years thrown around as amount of time that it takes to restore the family.  I don't say that to discourage you, but just that it will take time.  Maybe flex can offer some ideas.  

Hang in there and focus on yourself and your LO.  Because you cannot change him.  

[flex]

Hi! All I can say on the healing of the family is that it takes time. Maybe not 5-7 years, but a couple years at least as far as gaining the trust back.

I'm really kind of taken aback by malibu's DH's lack of participation with the household chores. If it was me, being newly sober, I'd be working on making up for my poor behavior in the past. BUT...like I said before, healing and getting one's act together after rehab takes time, and my advice for now, malibu, is to keep your expectations low and wait to see if your H will get back on track. It will not happen overnight.

And please don't think I'm trying to excuse your H's behavior like "oh he just got out of rehab--go easy on him". That's not the case at all. I would expect any husband or SO to take part in the normal day-to-day stuff.

[malibu]

Jul 24, 2014 12:29:43 GMT -5 btay said:

I am so glad he hasn't had a drink, but I'm sorry he is still not helping around the house. Did they talk to you about post acute withdrawal at all? Do you think he is suffering from that at all? I know my stbxh took over a year to really get his motivation to do anything but the bare minimum every day.

I remember hearing the term, but I can't put my finger on the definition. Withdrawal after returning home from treatment?

[Deleted]

Once I got sober, I did everything possible to be a good wife and mother. What flex said is spot on. I couldn't work fast enough to be kind and helpful and appreciative and grateful. But he may just not be there yet.

[malibu]

One thing I told him is that after being the sole provider, the sole parent, cook, maid, chauffeur, etc., the fact that he hasn't thanked me for anything since this entire shitstorm went down is hurtful. Oh, you quit your job? Here, let's get you into inpatient treatment, I'll even make the calls. Oh, you're in treatment now? Let me do every single goddamn thing that needs to be done, from working to parenting to chores, while you're there. Oh, visiting on Sundays only isn't good enough? Let me drive my ass up there on Wednesdays after I've been at work all day, too, then get home at 9:30 with a hyped-up kid and then have to take out all the trash. Oh, you need to be picked up after a long Monday at work? Sure, what time?

Not a single fucking thanks for any of it. I don't think that's too much to ask. Even after I told him all that, he still didn't say anything (although honestly, I probably would have balked anyway, since it took me saying something for him to bother).

Re-reading - apparently there's some major resentment going on. The fact that I am still doing all the work, including making the only income, and he's sitting there on his ass is infuriating.

[flex]

And speaking of men in outpatient treatment: my eldest son went through a recovery program where he was gone all day attending classes/workshops, and was home at night. He lived with me during that time, because I told him if he didn't go through treatment, he would not be allowed to stay with me rent free.

He complied (he's been sober four years now), and he was SUPER helpful around the house right off the bat. Granted there are different dynamics between a husband/wife relationship and a mom/son relationship, but still...he knew he had some making up to do. lol

[btay]

It's not an excuse for his behavior, but a possible explanation. It might be worth discussing because if he is suffering from this he can work with doctors to help minimize it's effect. If he is just a lazy arse well then he will just have to man up.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-acute-withdrawal_syndrome

[malibu]

btay I suppose he could be having these symptoms. He told me he didn't have any cravings or withdrawal in treatment. They did mention the term, but I don't remember getting into any deep discussion about it.

I guess I just don't think it's unreasonable to expect to get a damn break after being in charge since his job loss. And like flex said, I can't believe he isn't practically kissing my ass knowing that I'm one step away from walking out and never looking back. He just reverted to exactly how he was before going into treatment, less the drinking. Maybe my hopes were too high, or maybe he really is just a lazy ass.

[btay]

Jul 24, 2014 13:24:32 GMT -5 malibu said:

btay I suppose he could be having these symptoms. He told me he didn't have any cravings or withdrawal in treatment. They did mention the term, but I don't remember getting into any deep discussion about it.

I guess I just don't think it's unreasonable to expect to get a damn break after being in charge since his job loss. And like flex said, I can't believe he isn't practically kissing my ass knowing that I'm one step away from walking out and never looking back. He just reverted to exactly how he was before going into treatment, less the drinking. Maybe my hopes were too high, or maybe he really is just a lazy ass.

It's definitely not unreasonable at all, and I really do hope for all of you that he gets the message.  For today, just be thankful that he is sober and hopeful that he will continue to grow in his sobriety into the man you deserve