How do you stay in a good place?

[SwimDeep]

Happy Monday!...

I've been focusing lately on figuring out my triggers. Instead of just allowing myself to react, I'm trying to allow myself to feel the emotion, recognize it for what it is, and then channel it into a healthier output. I'm really struggling, though, to stay in a good place. I have been extremely emotional this weekend (might be PMS...I'm on BC so I'm not sure). It seemed like anything and everything was setting me off (crying spells mostly). I woke up this morning feeling extremely depressed and shitty.

I feel awful about the ups and downs that I've put my H through. I don't think I have mood swings, but I do try to hide what I'm really feeling. So when I finally snap and break down under the pressure I put on myself to perform, my H can only see it as a sharp downward swing...then I pick myself back up, put the mask back on, and try to keep going, which is clearly a sharp upward mood swing. I don't blame him at all for being upset with me.

I guess what I'm asking is do you have any advice for identifying triggers? (I have a hard time believing everything is a trigger for me.) How do you stay in a good, peaceful frame of mind (that is, how do you avoid being triggered)?

[cinnamoncox]

I'm not entirely sure what is being triggered, so I'll answer in generalities.

Maybe keep a journal of how you're feeling and what's going on each day, maybe at night jot down a bit about your day, what you did, and a few words about how you're feeling.
After awhile, you'll get to see how different events effect you. And use it to figure out what triggers your issues.
It can also be used in another helpful way, you can go read it to see on which days you felt good, what kind of day did you have, and learn what makes you feel good too. And try to do as much of that as possible.

Good luck

[cinnamoncox]

Wait, your h is upset with you when you get down? I obviously don't know exactly what's going on with you, but if it's a mental illness or some addiction, I hope h is more of a support and not getting upset with you. THAT would be a huge trigger for me, knowing I have to keep a happy face on to keep h from getting upset with me.

If I misread that please disregard.

[SwimDeep]

I should clarify...It's not that he gets mad at me for being depressed, it just upsets him to see me so down. I struggle with sever depression and thoughts of self harm. I think I scare him (honestly, I scared myself last night), and he doesn't know what to do to "fix" it. Naturally, he gets upset.

I am the one putting myself under pressure to perform, not H. I feel like I need to keep up an act so that everyone will think I'm OK. It upsets people to hear that someone they love is actively thinking about hurting themselves. I talked to my therapist about it last week (and I see her again tomorrow), and she pointed out that my upbringing trained me to hide my emotions, wants, and needs in favor of other people. Again, it's me - not him.

Him being upset does trigger me, though... I think because it's a signal that I haven't kept up my act. But how can I ask him to hide his upset from me when I'm fighting myself to stop hiding things from him?

I have no idea if this makes any sense. I didn't sleep well, and I'm extraordinarily scatter brained. I will definitely start journaling to see if I can start to clear up the fog in my head. I used to journal all the time but kind of left off when life got busy. Thanks for the advice!

[cinnamoncox]

Ok I understand. I can see how it would be upsetting to him. Can he come to a therapy session with you so he can see that you really don't expect him to fix it, just kind of be there for you? I totally understand it being worrisome when someone you love isn't well, but it isn't a day at the park for the unwell person, either, so maybe if he can see that you don't expect him to fix it, he can just be there for you in other ways.
You can work with therapist to find ways you think he could be helpful at those times, maybe it's helpful to take you out, maybe watch tv with you, maybe give you space.

If your self harm is cutting, perhaps you would be willing to have him help you stay accountable by keeping sharp items out of your grasp (I don't have experience with cutting so I don't know if what I'm saying is even reasonable or relevant), or writing in your journal. Not saying have him read it, but keep you on track for writing things down so you can help identify triggers.
That'll go a long way because once you can try to avoid some triggers , you'll be better able to handle the ones you can't avoid.

For instance, 95% of my anxiety revolves around my children and their safety. Well, I *know* I can't reasonably keep them in a bubble and they have to be out of my sight sometimes , so in order to deal with that anxiety, I had to be able to try my damnedest to remove the other 5% of triggers unrelated to my kids , because I cannot stop them from being out of my sight, but I can control other triggers.
Is it's making sense?
So if I'm able to reduce my triggers to things I cannot control, I've freed up emotional space of not dealing with the non child related triggers .

Good luck, it's so hard

[malibu]

SwimDeep, knowing your backstory, his behavior towards you has to be a huge trigger right there.

Also, if you're still struggling with suicidal thoughts, you NEED to contact someone, like today. Check yourself into a hospital if necessary; contact your PCP or therapist if you can see either of them today; you need to do something. His constant harping on you and berating you about your family is not going to help you at all.

You should not have to keep up your act. You shouldn't need an act at all. You've got to get in touch with a professional - whether it be at an ER or other facility - to help you get through these feelings and come out healthy on the other side of things. The way he treats you is not going to help you get well, you have to know this after several threads on TIP and here. He used your depression and your admission of thoughts of self-harm against you when ranting about your family just recently. If you want to stay with him, can he come to one of your therapy appointments so the therapist can explain just how deep into crippling depression you are? I worry about you, honestly. He's not supportive at. all., and when you've posted about very concerning thoughts on more than one occasion, I definitely worry about your well-being.

[cinnamoncox]

Oh man SwimDeep
Good luck. I was unaware of backstory obviously. Ditto Malibu. Take good care, and good luck. I'm so very sorry you're struggling