Parenting Question

[sonrisa]

Is the following acceptable parenting? What other strategies I should use?

Your child has been acting up in public frequently. When given an instruction she will run away or throw a fit. Since words don't always work, sometimes you will take her hand firmly enough that she cannot move it and force her to walk out with you. While you don't drag her, to get compliance and not have her pull free you need to hold the hand tightly enough that she says it hurts.

Is that abusive? Not abusive but still within the realm of corporal punishment? Neither?

It doesn't sit well with me. However, sometimes it feels like the only ways to get out of a situation without needing to carry her out (which I can't do while also carrying a baby) and without her throwing a massive screaming temper tantrum. 

[wambam]

Not abusive.

[thebuddhagouda]

Not remotely abusive. Pretty much your only option.

[mrsjuleshs]

not abusive.

[nerdicorn]

I say not abusive or in the realm of corporal punishment. You can't just leave her to lose her shit in public and you aren't trying to hurt her.

[Deleted]

Not abusive.

Sometimes gotta do what you gotta do.

[sewpinkgal]

Another vote for sometimes a parenting necessity.

[candreco]

No, not abusive, unless it's so hard it breaks a finger. It's safety; kid can't just run away like that. If they don't like it, then they can learn to stand still or stay with a parent when needed. Is it pleasant? No, but no one gets to be completely comfortable all the time. I mean, it pulls DD's hair when we have to brush out tangles and of course I don't like hurting her, but that doesn't mean that we can just not do it.

[Gato]

If that's abusive then I'm guilty.  You do what you gotta do.

I stand by what I said in the gentle parenting thread yesterday.  It's okay for kids to learn cause and effect.  If you are an asshole, mommy will get mad.  I mean, if you go nuclear that isn't cool, but grabbing her hand angrily since she won't move any other way is a natural response. 

[sonrisa]

Jul 22, 2014 10:23:06 GMT -5 Gato said:

If that's abusive then I'm guilty.  You do what you gotta do.

I stand by what I said in the gentle parenting thread yesterday.  It's okay for kids to learn cause and effect.  If you are an asshole, mommy will get mad.  I mean, if you go nuclear that isn't cool, but grabbing her hand angrily since she won't move any other way is a natural response. 

I didn't see that thread. Do you remember who started it? Was that the name?

[ijack]

The ONLY time I have spanked my child is when she ran into the street, on purpose, when I was pg with her sister and couldn't move as fast. I shut that shit down, you don't mess around with running away from your parents.

[iamgrace]

No. Sometimes calm force is necessary. If my child needs to come with me and they are losing it you bet I will firmly lead them or carry them where they need to go. I will not stand there and beg them to do what needs to be done.

[tigress]

Not abuse. Letting my child run wild is not an option I'm willing to accept. If its time to go somewhere then they have they the option of going willingly or being forced. That may involve a hand grab or picking them up and carrying them out. My child is a child and they don't get to win that battle. So they can choose the easy way or the hard way.

[jlt19]

Not abusive. And it's also not abusive if she goes completely limp and her elbow pops out of the socket while something like this is happening. This happened to DD right around 2 and DH freaked that the urgent care was going to call CPS. They just told us how to pop it back in b/c it may happen again and again.

[eddy]

This was my reality in many many situations.

You are at risk of hurting yourself in public. My hand squeeze is the least of your concerns. We needed to get out before he darted in front of a car or something.

[Deleted]

Not abusive.


Your other option is to let her run into a situation where she would be harmed (out of sight/into a street).

[Gato]

Jul 22, 2014 10:27:17 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Jul 22, 2014 10:23:06 GMT -5 Gato said:

If that's abusive then I'm guilty.  You do what you gotta do.

I stand by what I said in the gentle parenting thread yesterday.  It's okay for kids to learn cause and effect.  If you are an asshole, mommy will get mad.  I mean, if you go nuclear that isn't cool, but grabbing her hand angrily since she won't move any other way is a natural response. 

I didn't see that thread. Do you remember who started it? Was that the name?

pandce.proboards.com/thread/349779/people-stop-posting-gentle-parenting

I mean, obviously you want to model mature behavior.  But I refuse to be called abusive if sometimes I get pissed at my kids, or don't gently and lovingly guide them through all situations.  Lol, I may be reading too much into your thread.

[Deleted]

Not abusive. I however am trying really hard to not do this anymore as DS has a BAD case of elbow pops out itis ( what's that called again ) and it happens sometimes when other kids pull too hard.

If you have a baby though you have no other choice.

[katfco]

A few weeks ago at the zoo, we saw a woman pick up a young boy, maybe 4-6 by just his upper arm and swing him forcefully into a wagon. That made me raise my eyebrows. Holding them forcefully to keep them safe isn't abuse. When Abby would complain that I was hurting her hand, I let her know that it would stop hurting when she stopped fighting. I wasn't deliberately squeezing; she eventually learned that it was her own actions that were causing the pain. The more compliant she was, the less it hurt.

[nannersp]

Not abusive.

I will also add, though, that I had to be careful doing that with my toddler because we landed in the ER when she resisted so hard with all her body weight while holding my hand that she gave herself nursemaid elbow (popped her elbow out of place).

[definitelyO]

agreed - not abusive at all. how old is she? threats of losing a toy/TV/games worked well with DS to help modify behavior as well - if it's a situation where they will listen to you that is....

[cville]

I don't think it's abusive. I also think it typically will become less frequently used after a few times once the kid realizes you mean business. L used to run away from me in the parking lot and I shut it DOWN with a similar hand vise/carry solution.

[CloudBee]

Not abusive, and possibly protecting said child from vanishing in a store out of sight or running into traffic.

[papie]

Not abusive. I regularly have to do that with Sophia. Safety first.