Obessions *Auntie*

[marissa]

I need help! Jon is waking up about 6 am every morning and going on our laptop to watch youtube clips of one particular person reviewing minecraft things. He will do this ALL day every day if you let him. He has speech 3 days a week, library one day a week, we're doing other activities as well. I feel badly because this past week I find myself on the computer more than I should be. I'm researching cancer treatments, hospitals, getting ready for our mediation next week, etc. How can I combat this (other than the obvious not allowing him on youtube)? If it's not one obsession, it is another.

[KB]

How does he react if you try to redirect him?

[hopecounts]

Tokens. He gets tokens that equal x amount of YouTube time.
Start generously then slowly reduce until it is an amount you are OK with, or it is eliminated.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[marissa]

He got pissed when I told him no more youtube today. Instead, he decided he should play minecraft.

[gnorah]

This is my life. We setup a token system for our son where a token (bead) represents 1 minute of computer time. He gets 30 minutes on the computer for free on weekdays and an hour for free on weekends. Any extra time he has to earn either by doing chores or by playing with things not on the computer - so legos, toys, colouring, reading, drawing, going to the park etc. We have two jars setup and he moves the beads from one jar to the other as he earns and uses computer time. Most of the time the ratio is 1:1 - so a minute of playing with legos = a minute on the computer. We then made a rule that he has to earn at least 30 minutes before we will add more time to the computer.

As for the computer, I use a piece of software called Qustodio. You setup an account and setup all the time restrictions you want. You'll need to make a separate account on your computer for him and you'll want to password protect your account. Then you can tell the software which account is his and what rules you want. The software will automatically lock the computer when his time is up. There is a free version of the software, although I purchased it for some reason that I can't remember. Norton also has a similar piece of software, but I didn't like it as much.

We haven't had any fights about the computer since we started this in March. He likes it because he's in control, we like it because he's not spending all day on the computer. It's working really well.

Anyway - it's just an idea that working well for us. Good luck - I know how hard it is to move them off their obsessions.

[auntie]

Sorry to be late to the party. I just got back from visiting my parents which eats into my computer time.

I could have written some version of this post when DS was 6. DS's psychologist would say to cut him off 100% if it has become like crack for him. The way he describes it, potential access to his current obsession will itself become an obsession if you try to allow restricted access. This typically causes a kid to become hypervigilent and focused only on his next "hit" and prevents him growing in terms of other ways to enjoy himself.

We actually did with DS who went through a phase of living and breathing trains. It took a while to convince me. We tried the "softer approach" of restricting what he could access and when so he perseverated on his allowed time instead of finding other things to occupy his time. Over time, we were able to reintroduce them and use them as more of a carrot, but first we had to break the cycle of addiction. He still likes trains; he's selling tickets at the local tourist RR today. But he can enjoy the videos and reading after he's done the stuff he needs to do and he can interact with others rather than blather train facts at them.

But there's a bigger picture reason for this. Yeah, you could install software and passwords to limit his time and/or access. That would get him off you tube and away from Minecraft in this moment. But the take away offers nothing in terms of teaching him the skills he'll need to manage this trait as a teenager and adult. Being able to manage obsessive thoughts and behaviors, to delay gratification are the skills he'll need to be successfully included in the mainstream world. If he were more atypical and impaired, it might not matter. But if you expect him to be independently employed as an adult he needs to learn to recognize this isn't good for him and learn to police himself.

By ripping off the Bandaid, he'll learn that he can be OK without it which will dial back his anxiety related to it. That's the first step in giving him ownership to self regulation.

It seems like a simple thing, but there are implications if he doesn't get a chance to learn this.

Sometimes kids get so stuck on a special interest that it interferes with their ability to do what they need to do ahead of what they want to do. These kids tend to live in the moment. I just heard from one of my mom's friends who stepgrandson has an Aspergers dx that he'd flunked out of college. He was a theater major (his special interest), so we're not talking super challenging math and science. He just spent too much time whatching performances and participating on theater performance chat fora. Without mom to structure his days and redirect when he needed it, he wasn't able to be successful in college.

The son of another friend had a lot of trouble in college because although he was brilliant, he did screw off on the internet during times when he was on the clock doing research for professors in his department. He got "fired" from a few projects even though he had completed the work expected of him which made getting references for grad school almost impossible. He ended up staying at his undergrad university for his PhD, which was less than ideal since he really should have been at MIT or Cambridge given his talent and interests.

The other piece is that obsessions can morph over time. Trains and Minecraft are cute, not all special interests are. Sex/porn, recreational drugs and gambling are surprisingly common among adults and can lead to life changing consequences. There was a high school aged boy who saw DS's psychologist just ahead of our weekly appointment who got stuck on the notion of having a girl friend. He stalked a couple of prospects before sexually assaulting one. The girl told a friend, but didn't go to the police. The friend rounded up a vigilante group who lured the boy to a remote location and nearly killed him. The courts turfed him to a RTF for sexual offenders until his 21st birthday. He'll be a registered sex offender for life.