Effing day 2 of H's outpatient treatment

[malibu]

And I spent four hours this morning texting him and calling his phone with no answer when daycare texted that DD wasn't there, an hour and a half after he should have been at his program.

He finally calls when I'm at urgent care (separate issue but one I'd been texting him about as well, letting him know it was a possibility I'd wind up in an ER). He overslept. Because for the third night in a row, he was too busy fucking around on his computer and watching TV to go to bed at a reasonable time. He spent a month at that place getting back on a normal sleep cycle, and as fast as he gets home, he's fucking it up and going right back to where he was before treatment. Meaning I am sleeping alone, cause he passes out on the couch. Way to be fucking committed, asshole.

I'm. so. fucking. pissed.

Sorry for all the fucks. I'm anxious, exhausted, and mad as hell. This is not going well.

ETA: Also, I did not end up in an ER. What I went in for turned out to be NBD.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry. That's rough. Does the outpatient program have a limit on tardiness/absences? I didn't think I saw that in your earlier posts. Maybe that will prod him in the right direction? Sending positive thoughts your way.

[malibu]

I actually don't know much about the outpatient program, other than the times and length he's supposed to be going. I should probably call his counselor to find out. Since I have like zero trust in him, I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth right now.

I also only got about three hours' sleep last night, and my little medical issue this morning plus not knowing what the hell my H was doing or where my kid was has made this a banner fricking day.

[flex]

Good grief! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really wish I knew what he was thinking. Plus I'd like to shake him.

[pinkdutchtulips]

hugs ... I went through something similar when xh reappeared after his stint in rehab + the 3 wks he spent at his brother's house.

[btay]

((()))

[phoeny]

Hugs.

[Deleted]

Did you confront him about this? Totally unacceptable. He needs to step up his game. There is a re-entry period coming home from rehab and all, but from your description, I see zero effort on his part. Why isn't he even trying? I'd ask him that.

[lime]

Ah, fuck. I was hoping he'd be more team oriented after all of this.

(((malibu)))

[cinnamoncox]

Oh Malibu I'm so sorry hun

I can't even imagine how worried you must've been when you couldn't get in touch with him.
I think your post was a few days ago (?). Are things any better? Did he say why he's acting like that?

I assume while he was inpatient they got him on meds for the anxiety/depression. Could the meds be messing with his sleep? Making him extra tired?

Hugs and good luck . I really hope you have a good IRL support system as well.

[malibu]

Day three, and I spent my morning at work once again trying to find out where the hell he was. He finally answered me at 10 that he was just leaving (program starts at 9). This being after I woke up at 2 a.m. to find him still up, after I'd told him he needs to get to bed if he was going to get up and get there today.

We had fights this weekend, discussions, explanations about my expectations of him being home, and no matter what I say, he doesn't follow through, even though he acknowledges he understands what I'm saying and that what I do expect is not unreasonable.

Honestly, I'm probably at my breaking point. His attitude is disgusting to me.

[flex]

I'd be totally pissed off malibu. I wish I understood what's going on in his head.

It could be that he's deliberately dragging his feet on all this because he's resentful about going into rehab. Not pissed at you per se, but just with the whole situation.

[lalala]

I'm a lurker, but I have been reading for quite awhile. Malibu, have you ever thought that he is purposely acting this way because he WANTS you to nag him about it? If you keep nagging him, in his mind it will give him an excuse to drink and when starts drinking again, he can blame it on you.

I went through this exact thing many many years ago. My former husband returned home from 6 weeks of rehab for alcohol, and he acted just like your husband is acting now. I, too, was at my breaking point, and I was bitter & resentful working 9 hours a day six days a week, coming home to a disaster area, & busting my butt to get dinner ready & clean up the 2 toddlers -- while he laid on the couch all day. A couple weeks later he started drinking again, because after all, who could stand being sober, living with a nagging bitch like me?

I wish I had some wisdom to share with you, but I don't. It was 25 years ago & the most miserable time of my life. I wish you well. It is a hard life to live that way.

[SwimDeep]

malibu - I'm sorry it's been rough I can relate a little bit. My H didn't go into rehab, but he acted a lot like your H is acting. For a several weeks after he got sober he would basically just sit on the couch and watch TV. Didn't clean or cook or do anything really. And here I am juggling work and school and still on egg shells around him. I got so fucking angry... We've been through several painful fights where I pretty much just lost it on him. At some point I must have said something that registered because he's finally picking himself up and doing things - both around the house and for himself.

I don't know if he just needed more time being sober in order to see how much he could be helping with or if the ultimatum I threw down a couple of weekends ago got through to him. I do know that I'm constantly reminding myself to be patient and that right now he's sober which is the best thing he could do for me.

Having said that, I would be royally pissed if he wasn't taking his recovery seriously. My H is showing me he is taking his recovery seriously by going to meetings (daily at first) and connecting with a sponsor he calls daily and studies the big book with every week. The fact that he's actively working the program is the only reason I can be patient with him at all. If he wasn't doing that, I'm pretty sure I would've left a couple of weeks ago.
The good thing is that now, after three months, I'm finally starting to see some positive changes in his attitude and in our relationship. (I'm sure he's thinking the same about me.)

I've really appreciated your perspective on everything I've written about here regarding my relationship. I certainly don't feel like it's my place to give anyone advice. I just wanted to share a little of my own experience.

[Deleted]

Jul 28, 2014 17:19:44 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

I've really appreciated your perspective on everything I've written about here regarding my relationship. I certainly don't feel like it's my place to give anyone advice. I just wanted to share a little of my own experience.

SwimDeep - we all gain from your and each other's experience.  I'm so glad our little board is here.  Thanks malibu for coming up with the idea.

[cinnamoncox]

Malibu ugh that sucks so bad fuck. I was hoping it was somehow related to his meds maybe keeping him up/causing him to sleep in. Maybe he needed to adjust to his meds to switch to something else.
But it sounds like it might be more than that? Could it be a meds thing?

I'm sorry. Do you think it's time for a this is what I expect for our family or it's time to dissolve the marriage?
God this sucks I'm sorry.

[malibu]

It was btay's idea for this board. Want to make sure she gets the credit

As far as what others have shared, I'm really not sure if it's those types of things going on in his head. I know when we talked on Sunday, he said he is trying to keep his head busy, which I take to understand that's why he stares at his phone/laptop/TV all the time. He did go to his program yesterday, albeit late. I told him last night that I expect him to be in bed at 11 whether he's tired or not - even if he's not tired, he's at least not keeping everyone else in the house up with the TV being too loud/banging stuff in the kitchen/etc. We talked about his total inability to pick up after himself. He tried to explain how his brain works - it's all or nothing with him. We've figured out he must have some OCD going on - he can't just pick up, it makes him crazy. He wants to scrub things, totally move stuff around, etc. I told him he's going to need to figure out a way past that, I can't be picking up after him all the time because of this. Because it's all or nothing with him, at least in his head, you can imagine how much of the nothing he's been doing.

He's not been great at taking his meds. He hasn't even filled the anti-craving script they gave him (I thought he brought home bottles of pills - I didn't know he had Rx's to fill!). He said he "sometimes" remembers his AD, which to me is insane. We take the same drug - I can't go more than 24 hours without taking mine or I get violently ill and shaky. I'm now making sure he takes it - I take all my drugs before bedtime, and I hand his to him to take at the same time.

lalala what you said kind of hits home. He's in 'dry drunk' phase (I've read up and talked to his counselor a little more about this concept). He may not be drinking, but other than that, not a damn thing has changed. His counselor said it's a common phenomenon for someone in recovery to go through the dry drunk phase. He loooooves being able to blame someone else for his issues. What you said - the sitting around waiting to be nagged so he has the excuse really sounds like it could be a big factor in his ability to drag his ass off the couch.

cinnamoncox - I'm really not sure what I want right now. Today is my 8th anniversary. I didn't even remember. That must say a lot about how I'm feeling about the marriage. Do I want to call it quits? Not yet. Am I happy? No.

He did go to his program this morning. My DCP told me DD was dropped off at 8:30, and his program starts at 9. So unless he's lying and sitting at home on his butt, he's supposedly at his program today. Fingers crossed.

[bronco]

I had a comment typed out but I guess I forgot to push reply. Anyway, it sounds like your H and mine are a lot alike, the victim, people out to get them, nothing is their own fault. It's infuriating and insulting. I am so sorry you are going though everything you are going through. I don't have any advice other than support. I hope your H starts to take some responsibility soon.

[flex]

I hope your H starts working the Steps with his sponsor very soon.

[Deleted]

Is AA part of the day program he attends, malibu? I hope so.

My heart goes out to you on your anniversary.

His lack of meds may be causing some of this. You must feel like his mom handing him the meds at night. But you're doing what you have to do. You have a lot of inner strength. And I admire you for it.

[Deleted]

And thanks btay for coming up with the board idea. Please forgive my mistake!

[malibu]

Jul 29, 2014 11:39:26 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Is AA part of the day program he attends, malibu? I hope so.

My heart goes out to you on your anniversary.

His lack of meds may be causing some of this. You must feel like his mom handing him the meds at night. But you're doing what you have to do. You have a lot of inner strength. And I admire you for it.

I don't know; to be honest, I haven't asked. I'm not really sure right now how much I'm supposed to be asking/interfering with his program, so I've been leaving it up to him to talk about it if he chooses. I do know that one of his buddies from the treatment unit has an AA group that he invited my H to attend with him; he has not gone to any meetings that I'm aware of.

I've felt like his mother for a while now, so this really isn't anything new.  He's never been good at taking medications - example: Acts like a crab ass for three hours. Asked why - "I have a headache." "Did you take some Tylenol?" "No..." "Go take some Tylenol, sheesh!"

I don't know what I expected when he returned home. A knight in shining armor? A husband who gives a shit? I did not expect he'd come home to be the same lump on the couch he's been for eight years. This really blew me away and I'm having a hell of a time dealing with it.

[btay]

My stbxh said if your H is ever looking for someone to talk with, he is open to chatting. He still goes to Hazelden twin cities regularly for therapy, just shoot me a PM if he ever shows interest.

[flex]

Jul 29, 2014 12:57:50 GMT -5 malibu said:

Jul 29, 2014 11:39:26 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Is AA part of the day program he attends, malibu? I hope so.

My heart goes out to you on your anniversary.

His lack of meds may be causing some of this. You must feel like his mom handing him the meds at night. But you're doing what you have to do. You have a lot of inner strength. And I admire you for it.

I don't know; to be honest, I haven't asked. I'm not really sure right now how much I'm supposed to be asking/interfering with his program, so I've been leaving it up to him to talk about it if he chooses. I do know that one of his buddies from the treatment unit has an AA group that he invited my H to attend with him; he has not gone to any meetings that I'm aware of.

I've felt like his mother for a while now, so this really isn't anything new.  He's never been good at taking medications - example: Acts like a crab ass for three hours. Asked why - "I have a headache." "Did you take some Tylenol?" "No..." "Go take some Tylenol, sheesh!"

I don't know what I expected when he returned home. A knight in shining armor? A husband who gives a shit? I did not expect he'd come home to be the same lump on the couch he's been for eight years. This really blew me away and I'm having a hell of a time dealing with it.

He'd better start going to meetings/talk with a sponsor/work the Steps or he's going to get back into the same old shit.

[malibu]

Agreed, flex. And I've said as much to him.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jul 29, 2014 12:57:50 GMT -5 malibu said:

Jul 29, 2014 11:39:26 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Is AA part of the day program he attends, malibu? I hope so.

My heart goes out to you on your anniversary.

His lack of meds may be causing some of this. You must feel like his mom handing him the meds at night. But you're doing what you have to do. You have a lot of inner strength. And I admire you for it.

I don't know; to be honest, I haven't asked. I'm not really sure right now how much I'm supposed to be asking/interfering with his program, so I've been leaving it up to him to talk about it if he chooses. I do know that one of his buddies from the treatment unit has an AA group that he invited my H to attend with him; he has not gone to any meetings that I'm aware of.

I've felt like his mother for a while now, so this really isn't anything new.  He's never been good at taking medications - example: Acts like a crab ass for three hours. Asked why - "I have a headache." "Did you take some Tylenol?" "No..." "Go take some Tylenol, sheesh!"

I don't know what I expected when he returned home. A knight in shining armor? A husband who gives a shit? I did not expect he'd come home to be the same lump on the couch he's been for eight years. This really blew me away and I'm having a hell of a time dealing with it.

I didn't know what to expect either and I was kinda blown away with the 180 change in him - all helpful, attentive, went to bed at a normal hour, went to meetings, made dinner .... the man/husband/father I knew he could be. then we had the chat - him telling me that he "needed" us for his recovery and my whole outlook changed. he went to a friends house for a few days then came back and was the same f'd up individual he was when he entered rehab. cue up the sleepless night, daytime tweaking ... no. I couldn't deal with it - again.

[malibu]

And I just checked our bank account.

He's without a job. But he managed to paypal $700 for god knows what. This being in addition to the $326 he spent on a CAR SPEAKER WHILE HE WAS IN TREATMENT FOR A CAR THAT DOESN"T WORK.

[SwimDeep]

    whoa...I just... I'm sorry malibu - I would be too angry for words!

[malibu]

GAHHHHHHHHHH I DON'T EVEN HAVE WORDS TO SAY I AM JUST ALL-CAPS-ing IT BECAUSE I AM JUST FLABBERGASTED!!

[flex]

I'd like to kick his ass for you. What is he thinking? I MEAN REALLY!!