I think setting some expectations at this point is quite reasonable. I mean he's sobered up - for what? He's still the same miserable person only not drinking. You would be entirely justified in laying it out in writing what you need and when you need it. Again, he needs to step it up! I bent over backwards (and still try very hard) to be a good wife and mother once I sobered up.
When I started AA, I made a deal with God. If he would take away my obsession to drink, I was gonna be a better person. God did what I asked. I try each day to be a better person. Note: I'm not by any means perfect or bragging about my actions in sobriety.
What I AM saying is that he needs to change. A dry drunk (an alcoholic who just doesn't drink) is a pitiful way to live. He needs to promise to start attending AA, IMHO, and promise to get off the couch. Otherwise, you are perfectly within reason to ask him to hit the road. He may WANT to be done with drinking, but he may not be done yet. You have yourself and your child to protect.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Post by krisandgrace on Jul 30, 2014 7:59:09 GMT -5
I just wanted to say I am sorry. That sounds really frustrating, I would be pissed. He need to get to meetings, if he is concerned with filling his time that would be a way to do it! I would have been a mess with out going to meetings in my first couple of months of sobriety.
Is there a 1/2 way house associated with the recovery program that he is in? If there is you might tell him he needs to go there for a few months while he gets it together. (((hugs))).
Post by cinnamoncox on Jul 30, 2014 8:29:59 GMT -5
Oh Malibu no! Wtf is he thinking? I'm sorry. Is he job seeking? That could help occupy his mind, give him something to think about. Omg I can't even believe that $ he spent.
And for the OCD behaviors I do similar things. It's rooted in anxiety so the more anxious I am, the more insane I get regarding the way things must be cleaned, using what, in what order, etc. So if his OCD symptoms are acting up, it's likely because he's super anxious about recovery, being home, trying to figure out a sober life and how to navigate it.
Good luck, you've handled all of this so gracefully and taken such good care of dd. please do something for yourself ok, no matter how small.
Thanks you guys. No one's been harsh (a couple people thought they might have been but you haven't! )
Daycare is closed tomorrow and Friday, so DD is going to my parents' house tonight. When I get home, there is going to be a serious CTJ talk about the last eight days. I told him last night I'm disgusted by his attitude and utter inability to drag his ass off the couch. I didn't expect perfection when he came home, but I certainly had no idea things would be like this - same, if not even a bit worse because I do have some expectations now.
Oh, and the $700? He bought a goddamn TV. Because the one we have "has dots" on it (some pixels or whatever have gone out or something).
I wish I could live in his head for a day and see what the hell he's thinking. I just cannot understand this or wrap my head around it. Is it the depression? I don't know, but to me it isn't an excuse. I also have depression and am taking the same damn drug for it that he is and while there are nights I get home and don't want to do anything, I still get my ass moving because I don't want to live in filth and my kid needs to eat. I don't understand why, when both of us have the same mental illness, one of us can power through and the other just ignores life outside his own head.
When I talked to his counselor yesterday, he basically reaffirmed there's nothing those on the outside can do. If he's not going to do his program (he was late again this morning, based on DD's daycare dropoff time, if he even bothered to go at all), there's not much anyone can do to make him. That is the most frustrating part in all of this - as someone on the outside, I'm watching him destroy himself and take us down with him, and it doesn't matter to him. I think it does somewhere in his head, I mean he did go to treatment willingly, but by his actions and on the flipside, inactions, he's proving that to be otherwise.
I wish so much that I made more money. That's my biggest issue right now is the fact I can't just move out. I could go to my parents', but they're a boot drive from my work and daycare (you may remember my mom had surgery in May, and she can't really be my daycare right now), not to mention my gas expense would skyrocket. I could boot him out but the house is in his name and I don't make enough to pay all the bills on my own. We're barely scraping by right now and have nearly exhausted our meager savings. We're living off his 401k, but I'm trying as hard as possible not to touch that unless it's absolutely necessary (although he has no problem buying TVs and car speakers - he spent $326 on a fucking speaker for his car that HASN'T BEEN DRIVEN IN A YEAR BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK while he was still in treatment). I'm tired of being the responsible one. And everyone's mother.
I'm curious as to what his attitude is after the conversations you've been having since his return home. Is he defensive? Is he lackadaisical about it?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
When I talked to his counselor yesterday, he basically reaffirmed there's nothing those on the outside can do. If he's not going to do his program (he was late again this morning, based on DD's daycare dropoff time, if he even bothered to go at all), there's not much anyone can do to make him. That is the most frustrating part in all of this - as someone on the outside, I'm watching him destroy himself and take us down with him, and it doesn't matter to him. I think it does somewhere in his head, I mean he did go to treatment willingly, but by his actions and on the flipside, inactions, he's proving that to be otherwise.
*hugs*
Al-anon gave me the tools to realize that my now stbxh's recovery is NOT my hill to die on. That I had to step away and let him make all the choices regarding how it will go. I don't know how badly you want to continue to be married. When I left before he entered rehab, getting back together was the dead last thing on my mind bc I wanted OFF the downward spiral he was on and taking me and dd on as well. Once he completed recovery he did show signs of being a 'normal' father/husband again but when he found out that I was NOT on board w/ allowing him back into my life it went to hell in a handbasket - not even a clean/sober living house was ok. what he wanted was his family back as if nothing had ever happened but sometimes in life, you have events that happen to you and you cannot forgive/forget what happened and who caused it. It became apparent when he didn't go to meetings and assorted other actions that I was being used for a place to stay and do drugs. nope nope nope.
I had him arrested (bc he wouldn't leave among other things) and sent the message to him that his behavior was totally unacceptable to me and I want nothing more to do with him bc of it. the choice is his what to do .. sadly its been a lot of POOR choices.
I don't mean to sound like a Debbie Downer. I'm going through something very similar right now ... maddening and frustrating. the only thing keeping me sane are my Al-Anon meetings ....
Thanks you guys. No one's been harsh (a couple people thought they might have been but you haven't! )
Daycare is closed tomorrow and Friday, so DD is going to my parents' house tonight. When I get home, there is going to be a serious CTJ talk about the last eight days. I told him last night I'm disgusted by his attitude and utter inability to drag his ass off the couch. I didn't expect perfection when he came home, but I certainly had no idea things would be like this - same, if not even a bit worse because I do have some expectations now.
Oh, and the $700? He bought a goddamn TV. Because the one we have "has dots" on it (some pixels or whatever have gone out or something).
I wish I could live in his head for a day and see what the hell he's thinking. I just cannot understand this or wrap my head around it. Is it the depression? I don't know, but to me it isn't an excuse. I also have depression and am taking the same damn drug for it that he is and while there are nights I get home and don't want to do anything, I still get my ass moving because I don't want to live in filth and my kid needs to eat. I don't understand why, when both of us have the same mental illness, one of us can power through and the other just ignores life outside his own head.
Aw honey. It honestly sounds like you need to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.
Give him a weekly allowance for for himself. Return the tv and the speaker set whatever else he bought. Get your own account in your name only to ensure financial stability for you and your daughter. He has proven to be untrustworthy.
If he isn't capable of going to his outpatient treatment on time, it's pretty obvious he does not view it as a priority. If he neglects his daughter, it's obvious he does not view her as a priority.
I know this is crazy for you and I wish it would get better very soon. It sounds like getting your ducks in a row is the next logical step.
If the house is in his name..... it seems like moving you and dd into a cheap apartment close to work and daycare would be an option instead of stressing about kicking him out. It is in his name and is his to deal with.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I second peggy, he is an adult and will have to deal with the consequences of his actions. You are not his mom. You are not his keeper. You are not his maid. He is making his bed, let him lie in it. You focus on you and your daughter. I can't imagine having money stress on top of everything else you are going through and I'm really sorry. See if you can return the tv and stereo. If you can, do. If you can't, try not to let it stew (easier said than done). Or, maybe try to sell them on Craigslist or something like that?? I'm so sorry you are dealing with that. He is being a selfish ass and you deserve better than that.
edit: clearly I don't know how to tag someone, but I still second what she said
doglove I bought it at the treatment center while I was there for the family program, but I haven't read it yet.
I'm trying to be a little more zen about things. I dropped DD off at my parents' last night, and I talked about things which helped me realize that a) I really don't think they dealt with/touched on the depression much and b) I don't think the dosage he's on for his ADs is high enough. He and I both take Cymbalta - him for depression, me for the winning combination of both anxiety and depression. My dad (retired last Thursday) is weaning off Cymbalta right now from years of anxiety. He's been seeing a psychiatrist for years, and the psychiatrist told him that for depression, someone should be taking at least 120 mg, whereas H is only taking the same 60 mg as I am. He's scheduled for a physical next week as well as his first therapy session, so I will be bringing it up to him that he likely needs to increase his dosage. Talking everything out had some light bulbs going off about why things have been the way they are, and I honestly believe a lot of his inaction is due to the depression not being under control as well as his utter fear of leaving the couch because he doesn't know how to function without drinking. Does that make sense, I hope?
doglove I bought it at the treatment center while I was there for the family program, but I haven't read it yet.
I'm trying to be a little more zen about things. I dropped DD off at my parents' last night, and I talked about things which helped me realize that a) I really don't think they dealt with/touched on the depression much and b) I don't think the dosage he's on for his ADs is high enough. He and I both take Cymbalta - him for depression, me for the winning combination of both anxiety and depression. My dad (retired last Thursday) is weaning off Cymbalta right now from years of anxiety. He's been seeing a psychiatrist for years, and the psychiatrist told him that for depression, someone should be taking at least 120 mg, whereas H is only taking the same 60 mg as I am. He's scheduled for a physical next week as well as his first therapy session, so I will be bringing it up to him that he likely needs to increase his dosage. Talking everything out had some light bulbs going off about why things have been the way they are, and I honestly believe a lot of his inaction is due to the depression not being under control as well as his utter fear of leaving the couch because he doesn't know how to function without drinking. Does that make sense, I hope?
This does make sense. Sobriety can be a very scary thing for a newly recovering alcoholic. After rehab, you're a walking raw nerve.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Your talk sounds really productive. What you said makes total sense. He's trying to imagine living his entire life without drinking. That definitely could lead to the inactivity. Plus depression is a black hole of immobilizing thinking about self, which is not good. Glad your parents could take DD and you guys could talk.
Just a caution...Over the years, I've met people in AA who are wholly against ADs. I coulnd't disagree more. There is a place for ADs and why be miserable. That is just my opinion. I take ADs and amazingly they work so much better without booze! LOL. Anyone in AA who would suggest weaning off of them clearly has ever spent a day with depression. Some people try to relate the occasional funk with true depression. Totally different animals.
Post by partiallysunny on Jul 31, 2014 12:07:02 GMT -5
I'm sorry malibu. I was hoping things were going well for you.
Start protecting yourself. He may be dealing with trying to live sober and his medication may need to be tweaked but right now there are still things you can do to protect yourself.
Take away the credit/debit cards and explain it's because he can't be trusted. Return what he's ordered, and explain it's because you just don't have the money for extravagant purchases. He needs to discuss purchases with you before ordering. Set up separate accounts if you have to, with your paycheck going into your account. Maybe start looking at cheap one bedroom apartments close to work as a backup plan.
Continue to go to therapy and meetings. Take care of yourself. You'll get through this. With or without him.
I came back to this post because I had to ask - how did he justify purchasing the $326 speaker for the non-functioning car? And did it get returned?
You have been so completely ON it for everything for everything your family needs to survive this crisis. I just cant wrap my head around it. And had to ask. It's not nothing - it's a big deal.
livinitup He couldn't justify it. I talked to him the day I saw it come out of the bank account (while he was still in treatment - they had computer time daily) and when asked why, he said he didn't know. That has been returned, when it showed up a day or two after he came home, I told him it needed to go back. He returned it (actually, I did, after he packaged it up in front of me)- I wanted to make sure it was done) over the weekend.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
livinitup He couldn't justify it. I talked to him the day I saw it come out of the bank account (while he was still in treatment - they had computer time daily) and when asked why, he said he didn't know. That has been returned, when it showed up a day or two after he came home, I told him it needed to go back. He returned it (actually, I did, after he packaged it up in front of me)- I wanted to make sure it was done) over the weekend.
ETA: to fix tag
Thanks, Malibu. I'm oddly relieved that it was returned. The (not unexpected) bit about having no justifiable reason .... well, that is very unsettling. Like, how is your judgment THAT impaired?? While IN TREATMENT where you are doing nothing but reflect on yourself, your actions and your decisions. And then later - to have no idea why you did something?? And then he bout a $700 TV ... whoa.
I hope I am not upsetting you. I just really think you are a rock star in all of this.
Not at all. I'm kind of flabbergasted at the whole situation.
When we were able to talk for a while Thursday night, sans kid, he freely offered up (I didn't say anything or start the conversation, he did - good sign) that his head is incredibly cloudy and he's having a hard time getting past that. He said he has all these things he wants to do, but he just cannot get himself to do it. I can understand that to some degree. There are things I know I need to get done but I'm just tired/don't want to/etc., to do them (organizing our nightmare of a coat closet comes to mind). He did start his new AD meds, which I'm hoping will help him. He definitely made an effort to get some things done this weekend, and since I was starting to get sick, he did most of the parenting while I kind of lazed around on the couch for the better part of both days, dozing. I hope this means that whatever he's been talking about at the family program is helping him work through his cloudy head.
Maybe you suggested this already, but can he make a list of things he'd like to do? Just putting it down on paper can clean it out of your mind so it's not so daunting.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Post by partiallysunny on Aug 4, 2014 19:15:21 GMT -5
Sounds like progress malibu. It might take a few weeks to get everything regulated. Open communication is key. Is he in individual therapy or just group?
This sounds like a swing in a positive direction malibu - and I'm glad to hear it! It really does sound a lot like what my H went through when he first got sober.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Sounds like progress malibu. It might take a few weeks to get everything regulated. Open communication is key. Is he in individual therapy or just group?
Group right now, but his first individual session is this afternoon.