Being picky

[achase123]

I know I haven't posted here for awhile but I had a convo with a friend last night so it prompted me to start a discussion.

Granted, this was coming from a friend who separated from her H in October, is dating a guy who has shown several CLEAR red flags that he's controlling, and she's already talking about moving in with him and his three children (and her two boys) and they only started dating in late April.

She was saying she read somewhere that the longer you're single the pickier you are. Now clearly SHE isn't picky so that's coming from her perspective.

I think that it's somewhat true though for me at least but for me I needed to be pickier. I've dated guys before who i would never look twice at now.

I think as I get more confident I know what I want and what I deserve for me and P.

So what says SO?

[riverpestie]

Never settle.

[cuddlyevil]

I guess you could call it being picky. I'd be more likely to say that you know exactly what you want aren't willing to waste your time on anything less.

[achase123]

And to add; I prefer to spend my time with P, working on my business and with friends rather with someone just because I'm lonely. Sometimes I think people would rather have SOMEONE, anyone rather than be by themselves.

[llh0211]

I think "picky" has a negative connotation. But ultimately, I guess that it's somewhat true. I tend to think of it as others have mentioned, where you know what you want, and aren't willing to settle for less than that. I think it's something everyone should strive for.

[DirtySouth]

When I'm actually ready to look for a relationship I will definitely be more picky, but I think that's a good thing. I've experienced what it's like to settle and know that it's worse than just being alone.

[MyName]

I think it makes sense that the longer you've been building your own life, the stricter the set of parameters you want a potential partner to fit becomes. Not a bad thing, at all.

[Deleted]

I really don't understand the concept of settling or not being picky. Like what's the purpose? Just having someone around?

[GilliC]

Jul 29, 2014 10:34:39 GMT -5 MyName said:

I think it makes sense that the longer you've been building your own life, the stricter the set of parameters you want a potential partner to fit becomes. Not a bad thing, at all.

I agree with this.

I also think that the longer you've been single and dating, the more people you've met, and the more things you've learned to recognize. You may not realize that some quality drives you up the wall until you date a guy who has that trait, and then it goes onto your list of deal-breakers.

[boing]

I think it's true because the more men I date the more I realize what I do and do not want...so I guess I get pickier. But I'd rather be picky and alone than settle in a relationship that's less than I deserve.

[Mrs.Rad888]

I don't think it's that you get pickier the longer you've been single, it's that the longer you've been single, the more you realize you don't need a partner.
Besides, I think people in general need to be pickier anyway. Especially if you have a kid in the mix.

[bullygirl979]

That's a bunch of BS.

[achase123]

Yah I don't think it's a matter of me never wanting a partner but realizing that I only want someone who's amazing.

I remember there being some book about settling for "mr good enough". I could never do that.

[pinkdutchtulips]

confidence has lead me to be pickier too ! a lot more picky ....

those minimum standards I tossed when I met stbxh (education level, no addiction issues, no priors) yeah they're back .... shrinks down the dating pool quite nicely but I'm grateful that I don't NEED a man in my life but if I WANT one there, I know I can find one that fits the bill, somewhere.

patience is the ultimate virtue .....

[Wanderista]

I think that this is all really personal. There are definitely some people out there who are codependent and who will velcro onto the first willing person. They will gloss over differences and sublimate their own identities because they cannot handle being alone. (I know there are different types of codependency and that is just one form). I've had a tendency to really judge those people because I don't think it is the healthiest way to be. As I get older, I realize that sometimes people are just different and want different things in life. I think there are healthier forms of these clingy people and then less healthy forms. It sounds like your friend who said that is in the less healthy category. 

For myself, I don't have a rule, I follow my heart. I would say that I am more on the independent side but I have been in relationships with guys who tried to dominate my identity in the past. I would go along with it at first but eventually I would rebel against that. I'd say that I did that because I was younger and trying to get a handle on the world and my emotions. I'd say I've matured a lot since then. 

I don't believe in settling but as I get older, I do believe in accepting that people are all at least a little bit quirky and flawed. That doesn't mean that I think people need to try to make themselves date someone that they aren't into. It's a slightly cheesy song but I think of it more like John Legend's "All of Me". It's more about opening up when you do want someone.

[stephreloaded]

I think it is a mix of both knowing who I am and also knowing what I want. I am picky and that has lead me to be alone for years. I am still waiting to meet that person it doesn't matter if it takes me 10 more years.

[achase123]

Jul 29, 2014 11:55:20 GMT -5 mp said:

My therapist told me that once I'd be single long enough, I'd love it. She was right. And at this point, it would have to take a really kickass guy to change my status. So the more I love my life, the pickier I get.

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

[1confused1]

For me it's not being picky, it's learning from the people that I date and knowing what I want/don't want.

I learned A TON from my failed marriage and continue to learn from going out with guys.

[moonlight]

I fully admit that I'm picky and won't settle.