So frustrated

[Deleted]

Not sure where else to put this. I feel like I never get to enjoy my kids because I am constantly in triage mode. I find myself jealous of people that recently had singletons and I see them snuggling their babies etc. Twins are just so much harder!!!

The girls have horrible food allergies that we are still trying to sort out nearly 6 months later so they were colicky and even now are often fussy. Add in that j wasn't even 2 when they were born and I feel like I want a do over. I feel like I am just surviving all the time and not really enjoying my children.

Bedtime takes at least 2 hours to get all kids bathed and to sleep etc. I'm tired. I'm frustrated that I can't enjoy rocking a baby to sleep because then another starts screaming. That type of thing.

Sorry this is rambly. Not sure what the point is but I know my friends with singletons just do not understand this.

[demandypants]

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a rough time of it right now. My DD was colicky and we didn't pin it on allergies until she was around 1. But I can understand how stressful that can be, and can't imagine it with two. You are doing a great job, and your hard work will pay off.

When those with singletons are stuck being the entertainment for their only child yours will have built in playmates. I was always so envious of my friends with children close in age when it came to playtime. I was my DD's at home playmate until we moved to a neighborhood with more children.

[shananagins]

I feel you, and I only have the twins. I can't imagine adding a toddler to the chaos that was the newborn months. I am sometimes jealous of my friends with only one kid too. Especially when I need to run a quick errand or when we are out and they both are having meltdowns.
I really barely remember the first three months because I was so frantic and sleep deprived all the time.

Just keep thinking about how close they will all be and how awesome it will be when they're all in school together and watching out for eachother.

I'm a teacher and I always ask the twins I have in class what it is like being a twin and they always say they feel sorry for people who don't have a twin :-) So when I am soooooo over twin tantrums and referring fights all day I try to think about how lonely I felt sometimes as a teen and how awesome it is that they will always have eachother to depend on.
That may sound totally cheesy, but it helps me keep it together sometimes.

[UnderProtest]

No advice, just commiseration. I too feel like I missed out on some moments because I'm struggling to wrangle the two of them. I can't imagine how you do it with twins AND a toddler. It does get a bit easier as they get older, they get more self sufficient and its cute to see them interact. HUGS. You can do it.

[floridakat]

I think we've all been there, and it sucks. For a while the only way I could phrase it to non-multiple parents was, "I wouldn't trade these two for anything, but I just wish I could have had these two exact kids two years apart!"

At almost four years old, I still feel like our lives revolve almost completely around them. I keep waiting for that moment where they assimilate, and we resume life, and they're just kind of along for the ride. I'm starting to fear that never actually happens, LOL.

[Narwhal]

Yep, I know exactly how you feel minus a toddler in the mix. My cousin had a baby a week ago and when I was looking at him I realized I can not remember my boys being newborns at all. It was pure survival mode, and still is basically.
I keep hearing it gets easier but not yet for us anyway. I love having twins and it's really fun a lot of the time, but it is so freaking much work!!

[cinnamoncox]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time

It does get better, I promise, but I know that doesn't help right now.

I remember once when the girls were somewhere between 6-12 months and someone invited me some place and I would've been gone during bath and bedtime and so I said I wasn't going. I said leaving one of us to do dinner and bath bed alone is cruel and unusual punishment (ds was 11 at the time so somewhat independent but still have to eat and see his parents etc). They laughed and I said I'm serious , getting them all sorted out and fed and bathed etc, it's no easy feat!

When they had their witching hours phase and dh and I each took one to try to console, after a bit we just sort of tried to laugh it off because nothing we did made much of a difference, we knew they'd cry for two hours regardless, so we just sort of would look at each other and laugh because it was just so wtf are we doing here lol.


I hope their colic improves soon so you can enjoy some more. Hang in there.

[loremipsum]

I only have twins and that's difficult enough - it must be so much harder with a third child who needs you!

My boys are 4 now (and this shit is still hard, heh), but I remember how overwhelmed I felt when they were babies. Everything took forever to accomplish. Everything was complicated. I would look at my friends with singletons and want to cry. They seemed so breezy and free, wearing their babies or carrying a single infant seat, going out for coffee without manhandling a big stroller, napping with their child, just sitting with them while they slept...while I often felt like I couldn't really enjoy my babies in the way they did because just getting out of the goddamn house was a major exercise, and someone.always.needed.me.

Of course, I know it probably wasn't as easy for them as it looked to me - but that was how I felt at the time. A pp mentioned not really remembering the first 3 months, and I can totally relate - I remember scattered moments, but for the most part it's one big fog of sleep deprivation and stress.

But like others said, I try to focus on the good parts of having multiples. I often say my guys are best frenemies - they fight nonstop, but they're also incredibly bonded. I mean, DS1 was the first person DS2 kissed. That is fucking awesome.

Hang in there. You're doing a good job.

[origami]

I had a rough first year too (preemies, reflux, sickness) and it still kind of bothers me that I didn't have this magical, happy baby bonding time it seems so many other people had. There was a time when I was jealous of moms of singletons. I was even more jealous of twin moms who were all "Isn't it just wonderful!!!!1!!! I love snuggling my two babies!!!! Blah blah blah twins are the best!!!" No. STFU I haven't slept in 2 years.

It's easier now. For example, twins go to school at the same time. WIN. My kids still aren't easy but now that I can see their little personalities come out and they're able to interact more I do feel pretty damn blessed and it's easier to keep that perspective. Even while mopping the pee off the bathroom floor, which is what I'm about to do now!

[laurenh]

I obviously have no words of wisdom or experience yet, but everything you're saying is justified and there never needs to be a point in venting frustrations I really hope that things start to get easier and that the girls cut you some slack w/r/t sleep. I'm sure I'll be writing this same post in about 5 months!

[fryjack2]

I sooo feel you. This is exactly one of the reasons I wanted this board back.

Twins is hard. Twins plus one is amazing and I'm in awe of anyone who does it even if they feel like they are just surviving.

The one thing that I try to tell myself is that the kids don't know that. They think you are an amazing mom who hugs them and kisses them and plays with them.

I still have moments where I am jealous and envious and pissed off when I see people carrying a baby in an Ergo getting shit done and I've spend 2 hours trying to get out the door with a monster stroller only to realize that I can't do half the stuff on my list because it involves stairs that the stroller can't climb.

((awinter)) Please vent here anytime. We will try to get you through the hard moments. Or share in your misery

[loremipsum]

Also: shortly after my kids were born, way back in the days of The Place That Shall Not Be Named, I was stressing like crazy. And someone - maybe @spenjamins ? - wrote a statement on the multiples board there that I clung to like a life raft for the next 9 months (or 4.5 years, who am I kidding ).

I don't remember the exact wording, but it boiled down to: the first year (and especially the first 6 months) of raising multiples is all about survival. That is all. You just get through the day however you can - if everyone is fed, changed, and loved at the end of the day, that is success. Leave all the other expectations behind.

I can't tell you how many times that helped me, especially when I felt like I was doing everything "wrong" (like AP'ers criticizing me for not babywearing, or my inability to breastfeed). Don't worry about doing things perfectly according to whatever parenting approach is in vogue at the moment. Just get through each day.

(((hugs)))

[Deleted]

Aug 28, 2014 21:04:43 GMT -5 loremipsum said:

Also: shortly after my kids were born, way back in the days of The Place That Shall Not Be Named, I was stressing like crazy. And someone - maybe @spenjamins ? - wrote a statement on the multiples board there that I clung to like a life raft for the next 9 months (or 4.5 years, who am I kidding ).

I don't remember the exact wording, but it boiled down to: the first year (and especially the first 6 months) of raising multiples is all about survival. That is all. You just get through the day however you can - if everyone is fed, changed, and loved at the end of the day, that is success. Leave all the other expectations behind.

I can't tell you how many times that helped me, especially when I felt like I was doing everything "wrong" (like AP'ers criticizing me for not babywearing, or my inability to breastfeed). Don't worry about doing things perfectly according to whatever parenting approach is in vogue at the moment. Just get through each day.

(((hugs)))

I think this is part of what is bothering me. I have had to change the way I parent in a lot of ways because I now have 2 infants and a toddler versus just one infant when I had j. So I'm also comparing myself now to myself then and I feel awful. I know I have to let that go because life is just different now! I have to let go of my perfectionist tendencies and know I'm doing the best I can.

[loremipsum]

Aug 28, 2014 22:45:52 GMT -5 @awinter said:

Aug 28, 2014 21:04:43 GMT -5 loremipsum said:

Also: shortly after my kids were born, way back in the days of The Place That Shall Not Be Named, I was stressing like crazy. And someone - maybe @spenjamins ? - wrote a statement on the multiples board there that I clung to like a life raft for the next 9 months (or 4.5 years, who am I kidding ).

I don't remember the exact wording, but it boiled down to: the first year (and especially the first 6 months) of raising multiples is all about survival. That is all. You just get through the day however you can - if everyone is fed, changed, and loved at the end of the day, that is success. Leave all the other expectations behind.

I can't tell you how many times that helped me, especially when I felt like I was doing everything "wrong" (like AP'ers criticizing me for not babywearing, or my inability to breastfeed). Don't worry about doing things perfectly according to whatever parenting approach is in vogue at the moment. Just get through each day.

(((hugs)))

I think this is part of what is bothering me. I have had to change the way I parent in a lot of ways because I now have 2 infants and a toddler versus just one infant when I had j. So I'm also comparing myself now to myself then and I feel awful. I know I have to let that go because life is just different now! I have to let go of my perfectionist tendencies and know I'm doing the best I can.

I know it must be hard. Just know they will love you and turn out ok regardless. Multiples still grow into smart, kind, well-rounded people even without the "perfect" babyhood -- so all the little things you feel pressure to do a certain way aren't really critical. They're just little things that don't really matter in the long run.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything in such a specific way -- I think it's the downside to having so much info at our fingertips, and one-way views into mommy blogs that make it look like everyone else's lives are perpetually beautiful and photogenic (instead of the highlight reel that they really are).

Just do your best. And maybe get a break for an evening occasionally, so you can regroup before going back into battle.

[Deleted]

loremipsum 

Thanks for the tag!  I don't remember saying that (it's going back a while) but it can definitely be tough with two newborns.  Add in allergies and colic and such.....

The bond between my twins is so amazing.  The joys of twins, the love they share and watching them grow is something that parents with single kids will never truly understand, either.  

[Deleted]

Aug 28, 2014 23:08:39 GMT -5 loremipsum said:

Aug 28, 2014 22:45:52 GMT -5 @awinter said:

I think this is part of what is bothering me. I have had to change the way I parent in a lot of ways because I now have 2 infants and a toddler versus just one infant when I had j. So I'm also comparing myself now to myself then and I feel awful. I know I have to let that go because life is just different now! I have to let go of my perfectionist tendencies and know I'm doing the best I can.

I know it must be hard. Just know they will love you and turn out ok regardless. Multiples still grow into smart, kind, well-rounded people even without the "perfect" babyhood -- so all the little things you feel pressure to do a certain way aren't really critical. They're just little things that don't really matter in the long run.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything in such a specific way -- I think it's the downside to having so much info at our fingertips, and one-way views into mommy blogs that make it look like everyone else's lives are perpetually beautiful and photogenic (instead of the highlight reel that they really are).

Just do your best. And maybe get a break for an evening occasionally, so you can regroup before going back into battle.

Exactly.  Let a lot of stuff go.  The pressure we put on ourselves can cause so much stress.

[nikki25]

{{{{Hugs}}}}} My twins are 7 months and I have a 4 year old as well and it is tough as hell. I feel like I wasn't able to enjoy the first 4 months as I was so stressed, over tired and in survival mode. It sucks to feel like you can't enjoy your time especially when you have something to compare it to having an older child. Do the best you can do and know that it will get better. Twins are so hard. You are doing a great job reremember that!!!!!