NPR - In a nasty bind (long)

[heyjude]

Jul 25, 2012 15:04:58 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

Look, it's not weird. It's the way she feels. So stop all that shit right now. What her mom may or may not have done blahblahblah (and I like how mom had to do SOMETHING for dad to cheat, fuck that yo), her dad was married, he cheated with this other woman, he divorced her mom and married the other lady.

Nugget was in the middle of all that and saw her family ripped apart. She can feel "weird" or "funny" if she wants to. She can. And if she doesn't want to fete these people, that's OK.

Yup. This.

[charminglife]

Jul 25, 2012 14:50:14 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

Thank you guys so much, it's incredibly helpful to get a completely outside opinion on this. I'm leaning towards helping to plan some of the stuff, but I still can't make myself get on board with giving a public speech. I fully plan on getting them a nice card and maybe I'll write something personal in there for them.

Just to add, even if I didn't help plan or give a speech I would never have not gone to the party. They're still my family and I do love them, and I know it would hurt my dad and SM a lot if I didn't bother to come.

I think this is a great compromise, and I don't think you owe your sister some huge explanation as to why you feel that way. Tell her what you'll help with for the party (is she younger than you? Can you offer more on the $$ side while she does more of the actual planning?) and let her know you'd so appreciate if she could MC the event and make a speech as she's so great at that kind of stuff, blah, blah.

Your feelings are totally valid and I remember feeling that sense of guilt for the parent that I wasn't with for holidays or special occasions and my parents worked hard to *not* make us feel that way. Divorced/blended families are hard and have difficult dynamics to navigate.

[heyjude]

Msmery I think you are being a snot about this. At least that's my impression after wading through the 3 million words you've written in this post.

It's perfectly okay to not want to throw a ticker tape parade to celebrate the anniversary of the day her family changed forever.

[vanillacourage]

I would agree to give a toast and then just not go over its content with your sister ahead of time (it's really none of her business anyway). Be breezy about it if you need to - "oh, I've got it under control. Tell me again about the flowers...." etc. Then just keep it on topics you're comfortable with - how much you like your stepmom, you can see that they are very happy, and you wish them joy in the future. Things that are true. Honestly, the attendees would rather you keep it short and sweet anyway.

ETA - you keep calling it a "speech". Maybe viewing it as a short toast would change how you feel about it? Because really that's all that's going on here. Like I said, nobody attending wants long drawn-out speeches.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I hate that your mom projected her anger onto you and made you carry those issues into your adulthood. My dad cheated, my mom left him, my dad got involved with one of the women he cheated with and he is still the one who actually harbors all the resentment. Sort of...how dare you leave me after I fucked around? It is so stupid. It makes me angry for you that you're worried about upsetting your mom but your feelings about it are what they are. Do what makes you feel the most comfortable.

[Deleted]

I think you've spent a lot of years enabling your mom's hurt. And I say this as someone whose husband cheated on her.

I understand why your mom wants nothing to do with them, but she needed to let go a long time ago of the hate and move along.

Life is too short. Embrace the happy times you can. Everyone makes mistakes and I think your dad and stepmom have made amends by being loving people for the last 25 years.

[sporklemotion]

I can somewhat indirectly relate to this because my husband dealt with some similar issues at our wedding. His father is pretty much estranged from everyone except my husband, and there were lots of tensions and issues related to even inviting him to our wedding. But it was important to my husband to include him in some way, and my husband ended up caught in the middle of all of it (as did I, my mom, etc.). Their divorce was about 25 years before our wedding, and I know he struggled with feeling like he was betraying his mother. In the end, he ended up talking to her about it and explaining his feelings and, while she wasn't happy, she dealt with it.

I may have missed it along the way, but is your mother aware of this and, if so, how does she feel about it? (I apologize if there's back story related to your mother that I don't know). Do you think she'd be upset if she found out?

It sounds like your stepmother will understand if you're not too involved, given her comments around the time of your wedding. Because of that, I think it's OK for you to help but not to give a speech. It may be that your sister thinks your dad and stepmother will be upset, but maybe once she sees that they're OK, she'll get over it. She may also feel like you're indirectly snubbing her and her family and her feelings might be a bit hurt-- like you're not as close to her as she thought? I don't know if I'm expressing this clearly, but I can kind of see why she might be taken aback if she doesn't know the full picture and now you're bringing up the idea that you weren't always thrilled with her parents' relationship and that even 25 years later you're not all sunshine and lollipops about it. Just to be clear, I think your feelings are understandable and justified, but I can see how she might not feel that way right now.

I think it's great that you're sensitive to everyone's feelings even though this is a difficult situation to be in. Good luck and I hope it all goes well!

[5thofjuly]

I think I'd deal with this by giving a speech, but the topic would be "Why I love dad and why I love SM." I'd conclude with something like, "Let's all raise a glass to two of my favorite people! Many more years of love and happiness!"

I wouldn't tell your sister that this is the plan. In fact, I imagine that neither she nor your dad and SM nor anyone else at the entire party will notice that your speech isn't focused on their relationship.

That way you're staying true to yourself by both saying what's in your heart and avoiding what makes you (understandably) uncomfortable.

[heightsyankee]

Jul 25, 2012 16:51:20 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

Although Sue Sue, I'm still waiting to hear what I should keep my mouth shut about.

It was a pretty crappy way to say it, but I think she meant about the affair, ie don't bring the affair part up to your sister.