another s/o weddings - your etiquette breaches

[casarosada]

I wrote "vegetarian" on an RSVP card once because neither of the meal options were vegetarian friendly. I still don't think this is bad....it was just me wanting to actually be able to eat at the wedding. I wouldn't have cared if someone wrote dietary needs on the RSVP card for my wedding

[osulori]

Cash bar for mixed drinks is the first thing that comes to mind.

[caden]

I was the MoH in a wedding and got completely trashed on champagne at the reception. After I insisted on leading "the train" around the dance floor, I laid on the floor of the bathroom in a stall and "reminisced" about my college days to anyone who came in. I vaguely remember a stranger coming in, offering to get me a sandwich and me shouting back, "A SANDWICH? THAT'S DISGUSTING." and slamming the door of my stall in her face. I have no idea why I did that. I also puked in the bushes on the way out. Super klassy.

My own wedding faux pas was not serving alcohol at my reception. I do wrong with it and without it! <shame face>

[msmerymac]

I was moving out of state and staying with my parents at my dad's aunt's house for a few days while my stuff was being shipped out. My parents at the time lived 200 miles away. They were in town for a family wedding. I wasn't invited. My mom called dad's cousin's wife and asked if they would mind it I came (like 1-2 days before) because otherwise I'd just be at my great-aunt's house twiddling my thumbs. My mom is usually so great about etiquette, so I kind of can't believe she did that, but I went. There were like 260+ people there anyway. BUT it didn't occur to me to be ashamed - second cousins weren't invited, so I was the only one of my age/generation there. And obviously my dad's cousins knew their kids weren't invited. Yikes.

[basilosaurus]

caden, if you ever make it out to Hawaii, I'm getting you drunk. You sound like a hilarious drunk.

[caden]

Oh I've also "gone in on a gift with my parents", which was nothing more than adding my name to their card and claiming 1/3 of their $40 gift.

[caden]

May 15, 2012 14:53:09 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

caden, if you ever make it out to Hawaii, I'm getting you drunk. You sound like a hilarious drunk.

That's on my before 40 Bucket List. Hope you'll still be there!

[osulori]

For other people's weddings: I was (okay, and occasionally still am but I'm a LOT better about it) really bad about remembering to RSVP. And have definitely wasted drinks "just because".

Ooh, remembered another one about my own-the buffet. FTR, that was a damn good buffet.

[ringstrue]

OMG Caden that's awesome!

Ditto shitty gift giver and shitty RSVPer. I have to say though, registries are intimidating to the unfamiliar.

[ering1115]

we didn't do a buffet or a sit down. we had food stations set up from 8-10p. our families just like to drink and dance- making them sit to eat seemed mean so we skipped that part and just let them eat whenever they wanted to. whoops!

[emilyj]

We just went to a wedding this past weekend, and we didn't get a gift. That's our biggest breech ever.

There is, however, back story drama between us and the bride that contributed to our decision to not get a gift.

[basilosaurus]

I've not given gifts on more than one occasion. I also didn't receive gifts and didn't think twice of it. When people are spending so much to travel to a wedding, a gift seems ridiculous to expect.

I also never heard of a buffet being tacky. Not as tasty, sure, but not an etiquette breach. I quite loved my sister's buffet since she was working for an excellent restaurant and the executive chef wanted to cater it himself. Yum!

[UMaineTeach]

I only went to a few weddings before my own, and I was only old enough to drink a one of them. I think being under 21 absolves you of any breech of etiquette.

like when you are 6 or 7 running around a reception held in a school yelling 'this place smells like frankfurters' when you don't even know what frankfurters are, but you read it in a book and they sounded bad.

[osulori]

May 15, 2012 14:58:01 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

May 15, 2012 14:55:58 GMT -5 osulori said:

For other people's weddings: I was (okay, and occasionally still am but I'm a LOT better about it) really bad about remembering to RSVP. And have definitely wasted drinks "just because".

Ooh, remembered another one about my own-the buffet. FTR, that was a damn good buffet.

Wait. Buffets are rude? That's news to me. I've been to plenty of weddings with buffets and not thought anything about them. I'm pretty sure we would have done one at our wedding, but there wasn't a separate room to set it up, so if you had a buffet, the number of people you could fit in dropped from 220, to 180.

I've seen people claim they are and that apparently plated meals are the only way to go. I've never had a problem with buffets myself, and they're suuuuper common in these parts so I generally don't think twice. Just threw it in there b/c I've been told in the past they are, but maybe those people were just nuts.

[MrsDL]

Once, I breached the one etiquette rule that had me furious at my own wedding (karma) - RSVPing and not showing without letting anyone know in advance. It was my cousin's wedding, I was in college, and simply didn't feel like trecking cross state that weekend. I still feel bad about. I just didn't realize that it all must be paid for before-hand and that doing that is like tearing up somebody else's money.

I'll agree with SBP on the at least "cover your plate" rule - we adhere to it and truth be told, we do give more to weddings we know cost more. We also give a gift at least as much as we received from people or more, and we're defintely still generous to those who didn't exercise the same sort of thought process when we got married.

I've also definately had a few too many at a few too many weddings in my youth.

[basilosaurus]

If I've spent $2500 to go to a wedding (and, yes, we've unfortunately done this), I'm not going to feel a lick of guilt for not getting a gift.

I do try to get something small for most people, but if it's H's friends, I'm not going to worry about it. It's his deal; if he wants to shop, he can do it. Plus, most of his friends don't know there is such a thing as etiquette, so they won't judge

We've definitely sent a gift more than a year later when I thought H sent it, as I'd addressed and stamped it, but I moved back to where I was living, which was in another country. I later found the gifts in the shipment at our next duty station. Oops.

[chichimi]

We brought our own liquor to a dry church wedding where the bride's father was the preacher and the reception was in the gym. Honestly, it was the only way we would have made it through. And we did share with the FOTG.

[ttt]

Can someone explain to me what's wrong with buffets?

We didn't have assigned seating at our reception. Not sure if that's a breach of etiquette, but there was plenty of room and nobody appeared to have a problem with it.

[basilosaurus]

I can see being peeved at a cheapass buffet. If I'm spending money on a flight, hotel, and gift, and you're giving me a $10 dried chicken buffet, I might be vaguely irritated.

I wouldn't call it lack of etiquette, but I might side eye it.

But, really it comes down to priorities. I thought food, and my guests' experience, was a top priority, and I went all out on that part of the budget. Other people might not care and think flowers, or inviting your aunt's 3rd cousin twice removed are more important. Neither is tacky, exactly, but if your priorities don't align you might think twice.

I'm guessing a lot of it is regional, too.

[jupiter2328]

My biggest etiquette breaches have been not giving enough money as a gift. I was young, broke, and unfamiliar with weddin protocol. But it still sucked of me.

Another one I can think of is I was invited to the bride of my cousin's shower, and I had no clue about registries. It was my first wedding after leaving the nest, so my mom always took care of all that. I picked out a lamp for her. A lamp. Wtf was I thinking? I had no clue of her decor or taste. It was a cool, funky lamp that I loved, but still. She has since become one of my best friends, but I'm afraid to ask her about it. Still embarrassed!!

[KateAggie]

Caden, you make me feel better about my stint as MOH. The only thing I did (that I am STILL super embarrassed about) was sobbing, loudly, during the Father/Daughter dance. My BFF's Dad is not super emotional, and when I saw him wiping away tears...my drunk ass just couldn't hold 'em back.

Faux Pas at my own wedding--dollar dance. But everybody I know had 'em, and we had a total open bar, so I don't feel bad. I'm sure DH's crowd thought it was strange (midwesterners), but they also got extra cake, since we believe in groom's cakes in our neck of the woods. ;D

[MrsDL]

May 15, 2012 15:19:01 GMT -5 ttt said:

Can someone explain to me what's wrong with buffets?

We didn't have assigned seating at our reception. Not sure if that's a breach of etiquette, but there was plenty of room and nobody appeared to have a problem with it.

I don't get this either, I think it's just preference. Not all buffets or station events are cheap-ass buffets or stations. Sure, some are, but some plated meal weddings I've been terrible - food was like cold rubber. Actually, for one of the venues we looked at the buffet option was more expensive than the seated meal which I found unexpected.

The one wedding I've been to with the best and most over-the-top food was a buffet/station style wedding. It was unreal - they had everything from sushi made to order to carving stations to a cavier and vodka station, a raw bar - you name it. Nobody was complaing they were not being served at the table.

[marie427]

No etiquette breaches that I've committed, whew.

However, one thing I will always regret is not being a better bridesmaid for my best friend. She got married when we were 23 so it was my first time being a bridesmaid. Her younger sister was the Maid of Honor and there was only one other bridesmaid (who we're no longer friends with due to extreme flakiness). I had no clue what was expected of bridal party members, and neither did her sister since she was 21 at the time. I didn't really help out with the bridal shower (her mother did), the bachelorette party we planned for her sucked (I thought she wanted something really low-key when in hindsight we could have done so many more fun things that night), I didn't offer to help her get ready the day of the wedding so I just ended up getting ready at my place and met her shortly before the limo was picking us up, and I'm embarrassed at the amount I give her as a gift (gifts of cash are standard here). A few years later I apologized to her and she was shocked to hear that I thought I was a shitty bridesmaid - so I did feel less guilty knowing that she didn't think I was shitty but I know that if she got married a few years later I would have understood my role a bit more and been a better bridesmaid.

And yes, I know that classic Knot Mantra that states that a bridesmaid shouldn't be a bride's slave and all she's expected to do is just show up the day of the wedding, but while I felt that way for my own bridal party, I should have offered to help more as a bridesmaid.

[msmerymac]

Buffets aren't rude. I think they have a more casual vibe than a plated meal, and I prefer plated (I'm clumsy), but they aren't rude. Feed me and we'll be fine. Buffets often cost as much as plated because although you need less staff, you need more food because people take as much as they want.

[moreace01]

I wore a cream colored sun dress with orange flowers on it to a wedding once. Oops...

[Kattey]

I wore white to a friend's wedding. It was literally 2 weeks after hs graduation and the first wedding I'd been to, and I didn't know any better.

[ChillyMcFreeze]

I've committed a few bad ones. DH and I (when we were dating... I was probably 19) RSVPd to a wedding and didn't end up going. We didn't send a gift, either.

I got super tipsy at a sorority sister's wedding and yelled at the groom's brother. I also decided we would all do karaoke on the dance floor by confiscating the DJ's mic... the bride's grandma loved it, but I'm not sure how the bride felt about it.

Not really a faux pas, but I was a BM in a friend's wedding. I woke up with the flu and I was in an unfamiliar town, so the bride spent the morning of her wedding hauling me around Walmart for meds.

[doctorwho]

From the most expensive wedding region in the country, I promise you:
Buffets are not a breach of etiquette. Buffets allow guests with specific dietary needs to choose what best suits them. It is absolutely fine.

Providing beer/wine only is not a breach of etiquette, nor is open bar that isn't top shelf (seriously - Absolut is considered top shelf for some inexplicable reason). It's a menu choice, and it gives guests options as well. Ketel One is not mandatory. The goal, imo, is making sure that guests can be comfortable, not have every whim catered to. The couple's whims get catered to, everyone else gets regular catering.

I got stood up by my long time BF at my uncle's wedding. Not my breach, but still.

I've definitely given gifts that don't cover my plate, but I give what I can. I certainly didn't judge the gifts I got. I know some people can't afford that nonsense, and nobody should feel obligated to meet their plate.

ETA: Buying non-registry gifts isn't a gaffe either. It's a gift. If I find something I know the bride will love, I buy it. I gave my college roommate a ceramic beverage set from a craft fair. She loved it, and kept it displayed on the bar. I grant you - being able to do this all depends on the bride. College roomie? Yes. My middle sister? No. Get thee to Pottery Barn, stat.

[foundmylazybum]

Not sent a gift a few times
At our wedding, it was small and intimate...so..not all my cousins were invited. Only my very local, very close cousins who helped me through college...
Well that also meant we didn't invite my cousin's sister ( also my cousin)..who was oust of town, had five kids, one of which was a newborn ( we also said no kids under 12). They lived out of town.

I guess that's rude.

My aunt ended up begging ( pressuring me) to invite my girl cousin... She never RSVP'd and didn't bother to send a gift. Which eh. It didn't matter that much except the pressure and our family had sent gifts for her wedding and all five of her kids births.

[jennipea382]

For other weddings:
-I'm a terrible RSVPer! I would tell them I'm coming, but I'd forget to send the damn card in. Luckily the one I did that for was a buffet so there wasn't the issue of what meal I wanted. Now that I'm planning my wedding, I understand why this was so rude of me!

-I always get confused about gifts. Do I bring a gift to the bachelorette party, shower AND wedding? Something small for each? One big present for one event? So there were some weddings where I'd buy a gift for the shower, then give them a card at the wedding, and some where I'd just buy one gift/card. Still a little confused on it but I think the gift at shower and card at wedding (maybe with some money or a gift card) is a good option.

-I'm not necessarily the best gift giver sometimes either. I wish I could buy something nicer but I just haven't had good luck with jobs, so my gifts probably don't cover my plate, but I do try. I really don't think I'll be offended if people get us smallish gifts because they don't HAVE to give us anything anyways!

-I sorta wore a white dress to a wedding. It was white with black polka dots all over it and a black sash. Not fancy, more like a cocktail dress. I never thought about it until I got on TK and so many people said even white with pattern isn't ok. I don't think I'll be offended if a friend were to show up to my wedding in that dress.

My own wedding:
-We're hosting beer and wine and liquor is cash. We're buying a couple kegs and a certain amount of wine, so there is a possibility it will run out and it will all be cash. It's more important to me to have the people I care about there than to cut a bunch so the rest can drink for free. I tried to explain this once on TK and gave up because it is NOT a popular opinion over there!

-Head table (I think). It's the norm around here. I feel odd having a sweetheart table for one. I'd put the couple extra dates up there to, but I thought about how I felt at a wedding I went to where FI was BM and I only knew his parents there. I would have felt WAY more awkward being in the spotlight as a non bridal party member than I would sitting by people I barely know.

-Maybe a dollar dance. Also a norm around here. My personal issue is that I feel awkward dancing with EVERY guest. I think I'll get bored faster than my guests do, haha. I'm thinking about it but will probably skip it.

-Thought about a honeymoon registry. I'd like one because the one thing we really want is a honeymoon but the main reason we're not doing it is because of how they're run. They either take a cut or tell the guest to just send the check to the bride and groom. Well... just send us a check then. Easier for everyone!