AMA Fost/Adoption

[carfar]

Did you consider any other routes to having a family?

Why did you choose the route you did?

What was your biggest fear?

Do you have any contact with birth family ?

We've been waiting for domestic adoption match for over 3.5 years.

[monsterz]

What advice you would give to somebody on the brink of placement?

What has been the oddest question/statement somebody has made to you regarding adoption?

How much of your child's story/background do you share with others?

[raangoli]

Forgive me if you've shared this, but how many kids have you fostered/adopted?

And does your last response to carfar mean you have adopted internationally? (Sorry if that's not the proper term.)

[drloretta]

How much of a support system do you have/did you need? I feel like that's our biggest barrier to jumping into the foster-adopt track if we decided to do that for adoption #2.

[carfar]

Sept 4, 2014 13:04:09 GMT -5 @bluesky said:

Sept 4, 2014 12:57:29 GMT -5 carfar said:

Did you consider any other routes to having a family?  Maybe for one week of total weakness when I thought the adoption process was too difficult.  But I've wanted to adopt since I was 9 years old and never strayed away, other than that week.  

Why did you choose the route you did? Punky Brewster.  And a church boy I babysat was the perfect little angel and he was fost/adopted.  Also HUGE bonus that I'd never have to get pregnant (no desire).  Lastly, I think this world is crazy and I hate to bring another child into it if there is already kids who could benefit from my parenting.

What was your biggest fear? Having a child taken away after bonding. More specifically, returning to unfit parents.  I'd be okay if kids reunified to competent parents. 

Do you have any contact with birth family ? Tons of contract with our first foster daughter who was reunited, so that entails her family too.  We had contact with my youngest DD's birth mom until 1 1/2 years ago.  Things just got too scary for me and I didn't pursue it anymore, nor did she.

We've waiting for domestic adoption match for over 3.5 years.  Whoa!  I wish you the best of luck!!  Have you considered fost/adopt?  We were going through the process with several other families which many were doing domestic.  It ended up the domestic adoptions took longer  (and more difficult in many cases) than our fost/adopt.  It's amazing to see how we were placed with a healthy newborn and finalized under a year.  Our wait (to be placed) was under 2 months.  Do they even allow you to pursue fost/adopt and domestic simultaneously?  If so, maybe it's something to consider?

We have thought a out fost/adopt.... But the fact that the first goal
is generally re unification really really scares me especially since we don't have a child ... I am super emotional and attach easily... Idk maybe we should re consider again and get more info.. But we kinda decided only for our second would we do fost/adopt for now...

[monsterz]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It definitely helps to hear what others have experienced in this process.

[monsterz]

Sept 4, 2014 13:31:04 GMT -5 carfar said:

Sept 4, 2014 13:04:09 GMT -5 @bluesky said:

We have thought a out fost/adopt.... But the fact that the first goal
is generally re unification really really scares me especially since we don't have a child ... I am super emotional and attach easily... Idk maybe we should re consider again and get more info.. But we kinda decided only for our second would we do fost/adopt for now...

I was concerned about this as well which is why we went with a private agency and are only considering kids that are legally free.  Since we weren't looking to adopt a newborn, this worked for us.   

[Pom]

Thank you for opening up about your experiences. We've discussed fostering/adoption and this information is all very helpful. All of the families here are in my thoughts.

[lolo]

Sept 4, 2014 13:46:18 GMT -5 Pom said:

Thank you for opening up about your experiences. We've discussed fostering/adoption and this information is all very helpful. All of the families here are in my thoughts.

I echo these thoughts.

I've always felt I wanted to adopt and like the idea of foster adopt for many reasons. But of course it terrifies me to attach and then watch a kid go back and potentially be hurt again.

How did you get over that fear? Did you and your DH both feel similarly or did you disagree at points in the process?

[lizlemon19]

I am a fellow adoptive parent! Hi! What state are you in? Feel free to PM me!

My ?: what surprised you the most about the experience?

[bugandbibs]

Checking in as another foster adoption mom. I love threads like this!

[thejen626]

@bluesky

What a great story!!!!! Best birthday gift ever. This has been interesting to read, thanks for sharing

[WOT?*]

And checking in as another foster/adopt mom. My story is a bit different in that I adopted older kids (8 and 10) that are my biological grandchildren. We have a relationship with mom and maintain it because mom is my daughter, which brings a different set of issues. But if I didn't, our family would have lost them because I was the only one willing and able to step in. My brother adopted 3 of his fosters, all of whom were born FAS and with parents in prison or with prison histories, more than a dozen years ago. Today they are all amazing individuals with no sign of any difficulties (two young ladies who are exceptional students, musicians and athletes and a young man currently serving in the military).

I would like to echo a few things that OP mentioned.  First, even if there isn't support at home, there are support networks available.  I still remain involved in the region FB page that keeps everyone updated on events and support groups.  The caseworkers that we had were amazing, the GAL very supportive; there will be more people in your corner than you would initially think.

The insurance, ah, the insurance.  DH and I have excellent coverage, but with OOP and co-pays and restrictions, the state insurance is a Godsend.  They have counseling covered, at no charge because the state covers it since they need counseling to help redirect and relearn, for a far greater amount of sessions than our policy covers.  GD2 has medical issues that need regular treatment and we are discovering more as we investigate further; the state insurance covers all this with no co-pays and even covers some of the incidentals she requires as a result of her medical issues.  If the doctor prescribed black socks, the insurance would likely pay for black socks if it was determined it would be beneficial to her treatment and progress. (Don't take that literally people.  Black socks are not necessary to maintain her health. lol.)

Our state also pays a stipend even if we don't need it.  The girls were placed with us prior to licensing, as a relative-placement, and we dallied through a couple parts of the licensing process so it took us nearly a year to get through it all.  While we were unlicensed we received no stipends.  When our first check came in and we were approved for a very reasonable amount, I was rather disappointed in myself for not getting the license a few months quicker.  Because the girls are older, we won't have 18 years to save for college but only 8 and 10.  Our finances are too comfortable to have cash assistance granted to us, but we put the cash we received for the three months between our licensure and their adoption into the bank to help pay for college.  It's not THAT much but it gives them each three figures in the bank of "their own" money. 

In our state, WA, there is a foster care coordinator program that was very helpful, and an Adoption Coordinator who helped negotiate terms of what we might receive even after the adoption was finalized (e.g. we received the insurance, didn't receive cash assistance.)  Even though it's expected that you take over all responsibility for the children upon adoption, the state still has a vested interest in giving adoptive parents of foster children additional "incentives" to complete the adoption process.

[woowoo]

My husband and I haven't TTC yet but we've already decided that if we have any issues that we'll move to the adoption process before going to any great lengths to conceive. I've always felt that call towards adoption, and like you, would be open to an older child, probably up to 5 years, or sibling set.

I do have one questions though - is it/was it frowned up if both parents work? Is there any issue if a child would be in daycare after a certain period of time? We both have careers, and I would be willing to take an extended break from mine if it were necessary, but financially we could provide so much more if we both continued to work. Thank you!

[woowoo]

Sept 5, 2014 9:45:26 GMT -5 @bluesky said:

Sept 5, 2014 9:13:47 GMT -5 woowoo said:

My husband and I haven't TTC yet but we've already decided that if we have any issues that we'll move to the adoption process before going to any great lengths to conceive. I've always felt that call towards adoption, and like you, would be open to an older child, probably up to 5 years, or sibling set.

I do have one questions though - is it/was it frowned up if both parents work? Is there any issue if a child would be in daycare after a certain period of time? We both have careers, and I would be willing to take an extended break from mine if it were necessary, but financially we could provide so much more if we both continued to work. Thank you!

In my network of foster/adoption, working parents was a non-issue.  In our training classes there was approx. 10 couples.  Only 1 couple had a stay at home mom.  DH and I were both working full time when we adopted.  The only difference is they would likely not place a severe child with you, which wasn't a concern for us, because we weren't equipped/able to handle a severe child anyway.  When DD was placed with us, DCFS could care less how long I took for adoption leave.  I went back to work when DD was 6 weeks old and she was in full time daycare.  The agency I worked through attracted lawyers for some reason and almost all the couples were lawyers, many of which at least one of the spouse's would be working more than 40 hour work weeks.  

I'm not sure if my agency was more lenient or not, but they never had any biased over age, gender, or sexual orientation, as well as employment status.  We had older couples (over 45), we had gay and lesbian couples, and again those who work a ton.  IMO, personality is VERY important.  The agency claims they go down a list and call who is next on the list for placement.  I don't believe that one bit.  We had such a great rapport with the social workers and we didn't make things more difficult than they need to be.  We were called for several placements very quickly and I truly believe it's because they liked us and trusted us more as parents.  Fair?  Probably not, but that's just the way it seemed to work where we were.  I'm glad we had such a great rapport with them because when we were offered kids, I could easily say "tell me the truth, is this a placement you would take if you were adopting?" and the worker would say "no, it's too risky and reunification seems highly possible".  We had to put so much trust into her gut instinct regarding the case. 

Thanks so much....this helped calm my fears.  Congrats on your family - you seem incredibly happy!  

[justjen]

This is fascinating. It's actually something I could picture myself doing, but I haven't thought much about it. I have one DD currently, and am expecting a DS in January. Right now, I would love to have more, but I'm already 38 and I don't think we could afford 3 in daycare, which is how things would shake out if I had #3 at 40. But if we could wait a couple of years and help some poor child who got some bad luck... I don't know, it's an interesting idea.

How did you start this process? How/how long did you look into it before you decided to go for it?

How much do finances figure into it? I'm just curious... like, what are they looking for in terms of your stability?

It's something to think about, for sure.

[WOT?*]

woowoo In my training classes also there were a number of working parents and couples attending the training classes. I did the training classes myself since it wasn't required for both parents to take them, just the primary caregiver, and DH works a *lot* of hours but it was surprising and encouraging to see how many husband/wife teams were in the classes together (which totaled 40 hours over a period of eight days in a short period of time so it wasn't a negligible amount of time for both parents to be taking from work at the same time.)

On another note, the girls have an older brother who was placed at birth with a non-related family. We maintain a close relationship with him and his family. As a matter of fact, I have memberships at the Children's Museum and the Science Center where his family can take advantage or we can visit together, and they have a membership at the zoo, where we can meet together. We actually just got back from spending a day at the zoo with his family just a couple weeks ago.

justjen What they're looking for in stability isn't finances. They want you to be financially *stable* not necessarily financially secure; they're definitely not looking for *rich* parents. You need to be independent and able to care for a child without having to depend on government subsistence. You need to be emotionally stable. If you're in a relationship it needs to be a stable one. You need to pass a background check. Et cetera.

We didn't look into it but rather it was dropped into our laps. The girls' brother's parents, however, took a number of years of fertility, about a year of discussion and decision as to whether to remain child-free, private adopt or foster/adopt; they decided to go the private adoption route. My brother and his wife, otoh, made a decision to foster older teens who had problems getting placed when they were in about their third year of marriage. It was a decision based on personal (and religious) beliefs that they would be able to help someone that wasn't getting enough help elsewhere. When XH became disabled, their second placement decided to leave (he had issues with running away and decided he didn't want to come back) and we moved in. She became pregnant after we moved and they had three biological children. They didn't foster while the children were babies but when they became old enough (young elementary) they decided to open their doors to younger children to grow with theirs. They had multiple placements that came in and out without the expectation of adoption; three of them became adoptable (an older boy of about 8 and then younger sibling girls of about 3 and 5) and my brother and his wife decided to adopt them. They didn't accept any more for a while after that due to room and time constraints but after my brother built a new house they started taking in newborns whose mothers were in prison (with a limit of 1-2 at a time for licensing and time reasons.) So, for them it was a continuing, flex arrangement of what fit their lives at a given time.

[kath16]

Hi @bluesky, WOT?* and others.. I know I'm a little late to this, but just first wanted to thank you for sharing all of this. It has really been on my heart to move toward adoption, and specifically foster-to-adopt. We have a few things we want to accomplish before officially starting the process, but we are just doing a lot of reading/researching at this point.

@bluesky you mentioned that you knew your daughter's APGAR score before she was placed ... Do you know if that is the norm with infants? Part of me wants to think older, like toddler-aged, would be ideal for us, but there is just something about a precious infant who needs you. Health issues worry me because I am not able to provide a ton of medical care .. I have neither the training or confidence to think I could willingly bring a child into my home knowing that I wasn't able to provide the care he/she would need. So I worry that a newborn would have undiagnosed problems that would catch up to him/her as they got older. (This feels so insensitive to type out ... Obviously, you need to do what you need to do to take care of a child and of COURSE you can't predict everything that could ever go wrong. But I would want to decrease the risk of a child with severe medical issues coming into my home knowing that there are others who could better care for them. I hope this makes sense)

[lizlemon19]

Sept 5, 2014 9:13:47 GMT -5 woowoo said:

My husband and I haven't TTC yet but we've already decided that if we have any issues that we'll move to the adoption process before going to any great lengths to conceive. I've always felt that call towards adoption, and like you, would be open to an older child, probably up to 5 years, or sibling set.

I do have one questions though - is it/was it frowned up if both parents work? Is there any issue if a child would be in daycare after a certain period of time? We both have careers, and I would be willing to take an extended break from mine if it were necessary, but financially we could provide so much more if we both continued to work. Thank you!

I second that having 2 working parents shouldn't be an issue. It may rule out some specific kids, but even that is negotiable. Our two boys had an assessment recommending a SAHP and we were able to convince them to try us. It all worked out.

[Lucy VanPelt]

I'm also doing fost/adopt, and right now have sisters ages 5 and 8 who are expected to be reunited before the end of October if mom continues with her plan. Next time we may wait to take in a legally free child because we really want to adopt.

[bugandbibs]

kath16 Once we were designated as the adoptive placement for our foster child we were given a copy of all of her medical records from birth (including her actual birth and APGARs). I'm not sure how this varies from state to state.

Our daughter was 2 when she was placed with us, and it took a long time for her adoption to finalize mostly because it was an interstate adoption and her bio mom was on the run from felony warrants. Now she's a happy, healthy, amazing 11 year old.

[lb2006]

I'm bumping this - since we've discussed many options just today.


My H & I are adopting internationally and are 2.5 years into the process. Feel free to ask any international questions

We are also considering another country, special needs, and foster-to-adopt.

[redwino]

Thank you all for sharing. We are seriously considering adoption. Part of me feels drawn to fost/adopt but another part of me is terrified by the reunification process. I'm hoping that we have a definite plan by January.

[monsterz]

Sept 18, 2014 19:52:25 GMT -5 redwino said:

Thank you all for sharing. We are seriously considering adoption. Part of me feels drawn to fost/adopt but another part of me is terrified by the reunification process. I'm hoping that we have a definite plan by January.

I was worried about that as well which is why we only considered kids that were legally free.  If you are ok with a slightly older child then this might work for you.  

[redwino]

Sept 18, 2014 20:30:07 GMT -5 monsterz said:

Sept 18, 2014 19:52:25 GMT -5 redwino said:

Thank you all for sharing. We are seriously considering adoption. Part of me feels drawn to fost/adopt but another part of me is terrified by the reunification process. I'm hoping that we have a definite plan by January.

I was worried about that as well which is why we only considered kids that were legally free.  If you are ok with a slightly older child then this might work for you.  

We really would like for our first child to be under 2. I've always assumed that children who are legally free are usually older than that. We haven't done extensive research yet. There is an agency in our state that specializes in children under 5 but I don't know how many of those children are legally free, if any.