Frustrated!

[mel]

I'm so frustrated today. I've had a horrible attitude the past few days. Easy to snap at people and anxious. It was even apparent last night at work. My supervisor called me out on it. Oops. But most of the frustration comes from my custody case. It's going absolutely nowhere. The CPS investigation has stalled completely and without a good investigation then I have no case for custody modification. I feel defeated. I feel like the system is letting my son down. I feel like I am letting my son down.

I feel like I'm going nowhere in life. I'm not where I thought I would be. I thought I would have everything I ever wanted. If I hadn't of split with my ex then I would have the 2 kids I want, would have finished my masters degree, would have the house I wanted, etc. Here I am a single mom desperately wanting another baby. Haven't finished my degree. The house I at least have. I look at myself in the mirror and pick apart everything about myself and then I start wondering if this is what my life is going to look like forever. I see things about myself and think "geez no wonder no one is interested in you" or "no wonder you have such few friends". I wonder if I'm always going to be lonely.

Right about now is when I feel like I'm about to burst if I don't cut. I have my son with me so I won't but damn I wish I could. My next therapy appointment isn't until Monday. That seems so far away.

[malibu]

Is there any kind of crisis hotline you could call?

You do have a lot on your plate. Sorry things are so rough

[Deleted]

Mel- I'm so sorry you feel this way. Please, please do not cut. You need to look at yourself and see how valuable you are. Look at all of the things you have accomplished. You have left a relationship that was not healthy for you or your child.You have found the strength to move on as a single parent which is incredibly hard to do. You have a career and a home of your own. Look around at all you have and don't think about all the things you don't because in the end, they do not matter. Everything you have YOU have earned. YOU have accomplished. YOU have value. Please do not hurt YOU because this community loves you and wants to see you succeed and be happy. Go for a walk, take your son to the park or out for ice cream. You are an exceptional person who is doing wonderful things in her life. 

[Deleted]

Awww, sweetie, I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. I agree with Malibu about the crisis hotline. Maybe it would help to talk to someone and get it out. Do you ever write gratitude lists? It's a simple tool that has helped me. Sit down and write 10 things in your life that you are grateful for. Sometimes my list includes coffee and really silly things, but it helps me get out of that spiral.

((hugs))

[mel]

Thank you all for the kind words and suggestions! I am feeling a bit better this evening. I spent the afternoon focused on my son and it really helped to see him having fun and enjoying time with his mommy. I've had a chance to talk with my family and I'm just going to keep pushing ahead and trying to put pressure on CPS to get the investigation done. I need to ensure my son's health and safety first and foremost.

I am so used to thinking about everything that is wrong with me and everything that I don't have that it's so easy to get sucked into that negative way of thinking and it's hard to get out of it. I absolutely need to spend more time thinking about what I do have (even the stuff that seems so minor) and appreciate how far I've come and all the hard work I've put into making a life for myself and my son.

I didn't cut which I'm very proud of. It's gotten so much easier in the past year to let the cravings go and refocus my energy on another activity. The thoughts are always there but I'm proud that I've been able to control my urges as well as I have. One slip up and I'm back into a pattern of multiple times everyday that is so hard to quit. I don't want to get back to the place of starting over and trying to quit.

I'm so glad that we have this community and that we can all vent and support each other!

[Deleted]

Sept 4, 2014 19:20:20 GMT -5 mel said:

Thank you all for the kind words and suggestions! I am feeling a bit better this evening. I spent the afternoon focused on my son and it really helped to see him having fun and enjoying time with his mommy. I've had a chance to talk with my family and I'm just going to keep pushing ahead and trying to put pressure on CPS to get the investigation done. I need to ensure my son's health and safety first and foremost.

I am so used to thinking about everything that is wrong with me and everything that I don't have that it's so easy to get sucked into that negative way of thinking and it's hard to get out of it. I absolutely need to spend more time thinking about what I do have (even the stuff that seems so minor) and appreciate how far I've come and all the hard work I've put into making a life for myself and my son.

I didn't cut which I'm very proud of. It's gotten so much easier in the past year to let the cravings go and refocus my energy on another activity. The thoughts are always there but I'm proud that I've been able to control my urges as well as I have. One slip up and I'm back into a pattern of multiple times everyday that is so hard to quit. I don't want to get back to the place of starting over and trying to quit.

I'm so glad that we have this community and that we can all vent and support each other!

I'm so proud of you! You are doing great Mel!! Your follow up made my night!

[Deleted]

Hope today is going well for you! So happy to read your update, mel.

[mel]

Today has been challenging but I'm not letting it get to me. Another day of leaving messages and not getting any information on the case. But I just keep trying. I was planning on taking DS to the aquarium today but he slept in and has been feeling lazy so we are just around the house. Neither one of us really has the energy to do much.

[felicia]

Do you have any friends or family that could come and hang out with you to help keep your focus from cutting? Or someone you can chat with on FB?

[flex]

Keep in mind that child custody stuff is a long, drawn out process even under the best of circumstances. Try to lower your expectations of how quickly this could be accomplished, and then you'll be less likely to be disappointed.

I always say expect the worst, and then if things go well, be pleasantly surprised. lol

[mel]

Sept 5, 2014 14:13:17 GMT -5 felicia said:

Do you have any friends or family that could come and hang out with you to help keep your focus from cutting? Or someone you can chat with on FB?

A bit of a back story... April 2013 I was heavy into cutting. Multiple times a day, every single day. I was also mixing prescription drugs and alcohol. I'm an ER nurse and was stealing scalpels from work and cutting at work. Just generally not giving a shit what happened to me. All of my friends are ER nurses as well. One night I had been drinking and cutting and ending up going for a drive (smart I know). They were begging me to come up to work so I did. When I got there they had a 1013 (psych hold) and a safety contract ready for me. They gave me the option of which one I wanted. I chose the safety contract with them. I lied and told them that I hadn't been cutting that night, just drinking. The next night I went to work and it slipped that I had been cutting that day. I was taken off the floor, the ER doc, my charge nurse, and my best friends all confronted me. I was strip searched, drug tested and I was placed on the 1013. I spent 5 hours in my own ER as a psych patient before I was sent to the psych hospital. I stayed at the hospital for a week. My family had no clue what I was doing but my friends called them and told them what was going on. My parents stayed with me for a month after that.

Long story to say...I talk to my friends about how I'm doing but I don't ever talk to them about my urges to cut. Same with my family. That experience traumatized me and I learned to keep my mouth shut. I won't even talk to my psychiatrist about it. I'll discuss it here and with my therapist.

flex I know these things take forever but I guess I was hoping that since possible abuse was involved that it would be sped up some. Wishful thinking! This is turning into an exercise of patience.

[felicia]

Can you talk to friends about other things - just to distract you and keep you from the cutting (or other urges)? I know my issues are different than yours, but often times just the distraction will keep me from doing unhealthy things.