What a night

[mel]

Oh today is going to be a rough day. I totally spiraled way out of control last night. I'm not sure exactly what triggered it because I thought I was doing okay. I had my nanny stay with my son last night while I went out. I did some shopping and then decided to go for a drive. I started listening to music and thinking about my cutting. I ended up driving by the hospital that I was in last year and the house that I used to live in with my ex. I'm not really sure why I decided to do that. Admittedly, it was a stupid idea. So then when I got home I just let myself go. I was up all night dealing (or not dealing whichever way you want to look at it) with my anxiety and urges. So getting up with DS this morning was super rough. Both physically and emotionally I feel like crap and I have to be up with DS today and work tonight. For sure looking forward to my therapy session on Monday to process all of this. I'm not sure why I am so vulnerable at night.

I almost didn't want to post this. I thought I would just take a few days away because it's embarrassing to admit when I screw up but it's also necessary to acknowledge the mistake to move on.

[SwimDeep]

Hi mel - I just finished my quarter in school, so I wanted to give myself a break from the screen this weekend, so I didn't see this post until just now.

I know what you mean when you say your embarrassed about posting something because I feel that too. I want to reassure you, though, no one here is judging you! My triggers might be different, but I deal with a lot of the same urges you deal with. I'm so sorry you had a rough night. Please remember to be gentle with yourself. Acknowledging the mistake is important, but you don't have to punish yourself for it. We're only human (((hugs))) The therapy appointment on Monday will definitely be a good thing to look forward to!

I'm not going to be online tonight or tomorrow, but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I hope you're able to rest and find a measure of peace tonight.

[malibu]

I completely understand the embarrassment of posting sometimes. It took me four tries to finally post on ML my H's descent into our summer of hell.

That being said, I'm glad you posted. Everyone is here to support you.

Do you journal or write? Could you write down all the things causing anxiety and light the paper on fire, like burning up the anxiety triggers? I have heard people do that and it helps make the anxiousness go away.

I'm glad you have an appointment on Monday. Stay strong until then; try to spend tomorrow doing something fun with your son maybe and take a day to just enjoy him and yourself.

[mel]

I couldn't pull myself together enough to go to work tonight. I felt too sick. I sent DS to the babysitter this afternoon hoping I could sleep for a few hours and get it together but I still felt awful so I decided to stay home. I'm hoping to get some rest tonight but it's looking like another sleepless night. I spent last night drinking way too much, toying around with the knives, and not sleeping. Tonight I plan to watch TV and read.

I do journal and it does help with the anxiety. I can't even really tell you what happened last night. I was shopping and decided to go for a drive which is something that usually relaxes me. I'm not really sure what went wrong. I feel like a failure. Like I had everything under control and then all of a sudden I lost it and I can't even tell you over what. I'm hoping it's just a temporary setback and I can pull it together and get back on track quickly. Tomorrow I'm just going to focus on enjoying the day with DS before he goes back to my ex on Monday for her week.

Eta: I did attempt to open up to my friend about how I've spent my weekend but that didn't go so well. Her response was simply: "you are treading dangerous ground and I hope you don't end up in a bad place but you are going to do what you are going to do". And that ended the conversation. It did not go well.

[SwimDeep]

mel - You are not a failure!
You are struggling with something that few people understand.

I second malibu's suggestion to write some things out on paper and then burn the paper. I've found that to be very cathartic. (I always burn the paper over the sink...so after there's nothing left but ash I wash everything down the drain. Something about it releases me.)

Also (this is just a suggestion), do you think you might have a lot of pent up anger? Sometimes when I'm anxious, I try to stop the whirlwind in my head by pinpointing the trigger. Lately I'm realizing the trigger is that I'm angry about something. I'm the kind of person who feels like she can't ever show people how she's really feeling, and I HATE confrontation. If I'm upset/angry about something someone else did, I start feeling extremely anxious over the potential confrontation and I'm angry at that person/thing for what they did, but I'm anxious about expressing it, so then I'm angry at myself...and them I'm spiraling out of control.

Just thoughts... (((HUGS))) I hope you get some rest today!

[mel]

I've never thought about burning what I write. I always keep it and hang onto it. And then I read it later over and over again. I'm not sure why I do but when I start to get down I read it and it's like "oh yeah I remember when things were worse".

I think I have a lot of anger and I can't stand confrontation either so I just keep everything inside and never say anything for fear of upsetting someone else. So when I get anxious or upset then I start thinking about everything that's upset me or how I've been "wronged" by so many people and then I start with the "why me" and then I get into the mindset of "it's never going to get any better" and then I say "fuck it I'm going to do what I want to do". Then I start self-sabotaging any progress that I've made and I travel down this road of self-harm. Then I get relief for a little while and feel better. Then when the high wears off I start feeling guilty about what I've done, start swearing up and down that I won't ever do it again. Get back on track for awhile and then the whole damn cycle starts again. It's like I never fully break the cycle its just the interval between the "I'm never going to do it again" and "I'm going to do what I want" changes.

I feel like a pretty shitty parent this weekend. I try really hard to not have meltdowns like this when I have DS around. Poor little guy has had to entertain himself and hasn't had the attention that he deserves because I've been too wrapped up in myself. And I'm pissed that I called off of work. I almost always can keep up the appearance at work and look put together. Now I've got to use a vacation day that I didn't really want to use right now.

[SwimDeep]

oh, I hold onto my journal - it's good to be able to look back and see how far I've come. I burn words of self-hate and self-loathing.

Hope you're having a good day!

[mel]

My therapist had to reschedule me for tomorrow morning. I'm kind of bummed by that but not much I can do. Sleep has been hard to come by all weekend so I was up again all night last night. I'm supposed to work tonight but I called out again. It's really hard to work all night when you aren't getting any rest on your time off.