Sleep

[mel]

After now 4 nights of being up literally all night, I am desperate for some sleep. I've been able to nap a little during the days so I've gotten about 7ish hours of sleep since Friday. I know that the lack of sleep is contributing to the downward spiral I've been on all weekend and I know that a good solid stretch of sleep will help me feel better. I have a prescription sleeping pill but it leaves me unable to really function the next day. I try counting backwards, deep breathing, literally telling myself to stop thinking, a hot bath, white noise and nothing seems to be helping.

Any suggestions??

I've got to snap out of this. I've missed 2 nights of work and I can't really afford to miss anymore.

[SwimDeep]

Have you tried melatonin or 5-HTP? Melatonin works for me. I usually get to sleep in about half an hour when I take one right before bed and I don't feel groggy in the morning. I stopped taking 5-HTP when I started Lexapro because 5-HTP ups serotonin levels (combining it with Lexapro could spike the levels too high).

I have also tried valerian root, but every time I took it I had the weirdest, most vivid bad BAD dreams. It definitely helped me get to sleep, but waking up in a panic didn't leave me feeling rested.

[btay]

This is sort of against what most doctors advise, but I always have better luck falling asleep to tv. I like to watch Friends because it keeps me out of my head but doesn't keep me so focused on the show that I stay awake to watch (because I've seen every episode at least a million time)

[mel]

I haven't tried melatonin because my psychiatrist had said it wouldn't work for bipolar sleep issues. I'll pick some up today though to give it a chance. Seroquel, the med I have for sleep, does it's job. I'm knocked out for a good 12 hours but then I feel like I can't function the next day. Then again I don't really think that I'm bipolar so maybe the melatonin will work. Ill try keeping the TV on too.

I've got to get some rest tonight. Confession: I decided last week that I would stop seeing the psychiatrist altogether. I have this perception that I am fine as long as I can keep up the facade of being happy and healthy so others won't know what I'm really doing when I'm alone. It's like I feel like as long as I can keep up the appearance that I have everything under control then the stuff that I'm doing at home "isn't that bad" and maybe I don't really need help. By not sleeping and missing work now twice, I'm not keeping up the appearance and I don't want anyone to get suspicious. Then I would have to actually admit to my actions and everything would be out of control.

Sorry for rambling!

[SwimDeep]

Sept 9, 2014 10:42:09 GMT -5 mel said:

[...] I have this perception that I am fine as long as I can keep up the facade of being happy and healthy so others won't know what I'm really doing when I'm alone. It's like I feel like as long as I can keep up the appearance that I have everything under control then the stuff that I'm doing at home "isn't that bad" and maybe I don't really need help.

I have this perception too. I think it's a form of denial? I feel like I'm scared to admit to people (and to myself) just how bad I'm struggling because that would make everything real.

I'm starting to wonder if working a twelve-step program would help me. After this weekend, it's clear to me that the idea that I have everything under control is false. Even if my issue isn't alcohol, I do feel like the urges, bad thoughts, shame, and self harm are all part of an addictive cycle.

...now I'm rambling, lol - sorry!

I would definitely give the melatonin a try. I take a 3 mg dose before bed, but I know they make 5 mg and 10 mg doses if you feel like you need more.

[mel]

Ramble away! I could have written exactly what you did. It's so nice to hear that someone else shares the same perception. I really think it is a form of denial but sometimes denial is a good place to be in even it it's unhealthy.

SI is an addictive cycle and I've looked for support groups, twelve-step programs, etc around town but I haven't had any luck finding anything. It's a common misconception that SI is a "teenage problem" or "attention-seeking behavior" and not a real problem or addiction but it really is.

I haven't admitted this to anyone not even my psychiatrist or therapist. I'm not sure why...maybe because I'm ashamed of it or think oh geez that's another problem to address. But my alcohol consumption has dramatically increased over the past couple of months. I don't even want to admit to how much I drank this weekend. Knowing that SI is an addiction makes me more aware of the slippery slope I've been going down and I'm hoping to stop it before it gets out of control.

Control seems to be an underlying theme haha.

[Deleted]

Twelve step programs can be really helpful with any kind of cyclic addictive behaviors. There are dozens of kinds of 12 step programs, most based on AA.

There is a lady who attends my open AA meetings occasionally. She self-identifies as a sugar addict. After one meeting I braved it and asked her about her sugar addiction. She says her group uses the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous and replaces the word alcoholic with sugar addict. I thought it was pretty interesting. And I'm not going to judge.

The beauty of the twelve steps is that your own need to control everything (mine was, and still can be, huge) and you get to turn that over to someone else. You look at your own life and conduct and behaviors. Many of the problems I was having were really of my own making! The insight and the ability to turn that junk over to a higher power was like a big weight was lifted.

Anyways just something to think about. SwimDeep, you might benefit from doing the 12 steps. And mel, keep looking for a group!

[SwimDeep]

@courtneyloves - thank you for the advice! I can't find a specific group to meet with, but I've been thinking about just going to an AA meeting. I wouldn't feel right picking up chips though...and I don't think my H would understand...at all. Maybe al-anon would be a little more understanding? ... but then I'd have to be open about what I'm struggling with...and what I'm struggling with has a tendency to scare people...

Even if I do the twelve steps alone, it will benefit me, right?

[Deleted]

Sept 9, 2014 23:27:42 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

@courtneyloves - thank you for the advice! I can't find a specific group to meet with, but I've been thinking about just going to an AA meeting. I wouldn't feel right picking up chips though...and I don't think my H would understand...at all. Maybe al-anon would be a little more understanding? ... but then I'd have to be open about what I'm struggling with...and what I'm struggling with has a tendency to scare people...

Even if I do the twelve steps alone, it will benefit me, right?

You're welcome!

You might start with Al-Anon since your husband is an AA.  They are generally a very understanding and supportive group.  You only have to share what you're comfortable sharing. If you want to speak in generalities about what you're struggling with, that's okay too.  (I personally don't care for it when people give too many details. LOL) 

The 12 steps were designed to be done with a sponsor, closed mouth friend, or a clergy person.  Someone you'd trust to listen.  I suppose you could do them by yourself.  Part of the relief comes from getting the problem verbalized and saying it outloud.  Don't know if this makes sense?    

[flex]

The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. If you want to stop drinking, then AA is the place for you. You can most certainly sit in as an observer at an "open" meeting to see if it appeals to you. You do NOT have to take chips. No one has to do that if they are 1) an alcoholic and are too shy; OR 2) not an alcoholic. You don't have to say a darned thing at a meeting if you don't want to.

The Steps are not meant to do alone. The 5th Step suggests that you admit to God (or Higher Power if you will), yourself and another human being the exact nature of your wrongs. If you just do it yourself, you don't have accountability, which can lead to you repeating the same behavior over and over again--convincing yourself that "oh it isn't that bad" or "oh, I can do this on my own!", etc. Make sense? : )