Rough weekend

[SwimDeep]

I am posting this partly for accountability and partly to let people know they're not alone in their struggle (because I'm feeling very alone right now, even though the rational part of my mind knows I'm not).

Grades for Summer quarter came back. I made a C and a B-. Passing grades, and honestly they do reflect the level of work I feel like I did, but I'm still not happy about it. I tried my best to manage the bad feelings, but Sunday ended in an epic meltdown.
I cut twice, clawed my hands, and bruised my wrist against the wall.

I've been really down since then...feeling a lot of shame and embarrassment. I have a therapy appointment today, and I think I'm going to go once a week for a while.

It really sucks that I'm so good at pretending I'm okay that I can make myself believe it...and then I crumble.

I'm trying not to beat myself up, but it's hard. It had been almost three years since I last cut myself. That's a lot of time lost.

[btay]

((())) Everyone has weak moments. The important thing to focus on now is that you are ackowledging it and taking steps to get back in a good place.

[Deleted]

I am so sorry to hear that you had a tough weekend. It is so hard not to let the negative voices take over when you are feeling down. I am glad that you are able to get in with your therapist.

Huge hugs to you.

[mel]

Huge huge hugs! I'm right there with you because as you know I've been on a drinking and cutting binge all weekend.

The shame and embarrassment is normal after episodes like this. It's all part of the cycle. I'm glad you are getting into your therapist today and that you plan to go weekly. Having a plan really seems to help.

I get what you mean when you say that you are so good at pretending that you actually believe it. I do the same thing and each time things fall apart it's almost harder than the time before.

Please don't beat yourself up. It's easier said than done I know but please be gentle with yourself. I hope you have a good therapy session today and know that I am always around if you need someone to talk to.

[SwimDeep]

Today's session was really good. I'm completely drained, but I feel a little better. It's so strange for me to think that sometimes I just need someone to tell me it's okay to be human.

mel - I hope you had a good therapy session today too!

[mel]

I'm glad you had a good session today and that you are feeling a little better!

I didn't really feel like talking today so my session wasn't that great. I mean we discussed my behavior from over the weekend and she definitely was concerned but for whatever reason I just didn't feel like really exploring what happened. Maybe next week.

[SwimDeep]

mel - do you feel like your therapist is a good fit? Is there maybe an underlying reason why you don't really want to talk to her?

I certainly understand not really wanting to explore something...I wasn't completely forthcoming today with my therapist, and I know it's going to take several more sessions for me to really open up. I'm starting to realize that I have massive trust issues.

[mel]

I just didn't feel like admitting to everything because It's embarrassing and I was ashamed. We did talk a little but about it but I didn't really delve into the why or what triggered it. It was more of a "I screwed up but don't worry I can stop and it won't happen again". I love my therapist but I have a huge trust issue when it comes to admitting unsafe behavior to healthcare providers because the thought of being sent back into the hospital is absolutely terrifying.

[SwimDeep]

after reading the story you posted in the other thread, I completely understand that distrust and fear that you feel. This past weekend, my H threatened to call my parents - that was enough to instantly 'calm' me. Back behind the walls - nothing to see here -- I'm fine - move along...

Today, my therapist told me that I need to give myself time. Learning to process emotion in a healthy, positive way takes time. I've been trained to act a certain way over more than two decades. I'm not going to unlearn those behaviors in a few months.

It is really nice to know that there are other people who get it. I hope you're resting well tonight.
(((hugs)))

[malibu]

Seems like everyone's having a rough weekend.

I have no real words of wisdom, other than I hope things get better.

[SwimDeep]

Sept 10, 2014 12:49:32 GMT -5 malibu said:

Seems like everyone's having a rough weekend.

I have no real words of wisdom, other than I hope things get better.

As long as we're all still hoping, I think we'll all find ways to be okay.
That's my hope, anyway.

[mel]

It's so nice to have a community where people just get it and can relate.

I hope that things start to improve for all of us.

[flex]

I had a terrific weekend!!! : )

[mel]

flex So had that you had a great weekend!

[felicia]

I've had a rough two weeks. I have therapy tonight, thankfully. SwimDeep, I'm glad you had a good session.