Follow up: division of labor

[hlke]

Okay, so I'll admit that reading Brit's thread about getting a break kind of freaked me out. C and I have always planned (in our naive we don't have kids yet sort of way) that we'll be able to divide things fairly evenly. We are lucky that both of us have flexible jobs and both of us plan to take leave when the theoretical baby comes.

For those of you who are basically primary parent, is this how things were planned from the beginning, or was it a pattern you fell into? What do you think contributes to things being unevenly divided? Work schedules, natural "getting things done" nature, one of you being more into parenting, other stuff? Does your partner pick up non-parenting stuff to make up for your primary parenting role?

[twotrue]

For those of you who are basically primary parent, is this how things were planned from the beginning, or was it a pattern you fell into? I always knew that I would be the primary caregiver. It's not that we planned it, but those were just our natural roles and tendencies and the roles were obvious before we even started TTC

What do you think contributes to things being unevenly divided? Our nature was part of it. But her being gone for 15 months also sort of cemented the roles.

Does your partner pick up non-parenting stuff to make up for your primary parenting role? Sort of but not really She has always taken a lead on major house stuff. Like when the deck needs to be sanded and painted she'll be the one to say "we need to do xyz." However we both do the labor. I'd like to say she picked up more of the dishes, dog duty, laundry, etc, but that isn't true. However, financially she pays for 90% of the house stuff so I sorta see me doing laundry as my contribution to the mortgage. But we don't do our finances like a lot of other couples.

[hensmum]

Didn't mean to scare you!!

We always knew I would be the primary parent, in a sense. We knew that I would stay at home (a decision we made together and were happy with), and that C works a lot. Looking back, I was being a bit naive to think that we would just magically *be* equal parents, even though I'd be spending way more time actually parenting.

The number 1 thing that contributes to our inequity is the fact that I'm home and C works so many hours. Next to blame would be that I am a do-er who is not naturally a team player, and likes to run the show Also, I have more experience with kids and I think from day 1 have felt more confident about parenting. Also, breastfeeding and not really ever pumping (I am VERY happy with my decision to breastfeed, but think pumping more and getting Henry used to a bottle would have been a very good idea).

C picks up being the breadwinner in exchange for parenting. She works hard to bring home that bacon and support Henry and I. She also just this spring finished her masters, which was of course a lot of work. I do everything else. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, bill paying, etc.

We are working on it. I don't expect or want C to do a lot at home when she's working a ton, but when she's home, I'd like to see her take the lead more. As much as I am a type A who loves to be in charge, it is EXHAUSTING being in charge 24/7 of Henry, myself, our household, and to a degree, C's needs as well. I am always thinking about everything and everyone.

[2brides]

Like Brit, I was probably a naive as to the amount L works and how long this freaking dissertation would take.

From birth- 3y - L had a more low key job that while required periodic travel didn't require as insane hours or such a long commute. Life was a lot more "equal" around our house (not to mention she took a hiatus from school that first year.)

About 3y ago, she took another job that initially was supposed to have more telecommuting (3-4x/week.) But L proved herself pretty quickly and was promoted which basically nixed the regular telecommuting (she still does 1x/week.) Her commute to this job is crazy long. But on the flip side, she gets paid pretty well, she really likes what she does, and she keeps getting promoted. Plus, it allows us to live since she gets paid much more than I do.

But really the biggest sticking point is the dissertation. I had no idea that it would take this long or that L would be so particular about her writing process. She is going to finish this PhD this spring and I think that will go a LONG way to making things easier for both of us.

I do a bunch of the household stuff - but L does a lot too.

[kershnic]

Maybe I'm being naive, but I've watched my BIL and sister do it and know B and I pretty well obviously after being with her for 9 years, and I honestly think we'll keep splitting things. We work similar number of hours per week, commute similar lengths, get paid similarly, feel similarly about being involved parents, neither of us has extra commitments like school, and we sort of split things evenly now to a fault.

It's really interesting to read the parents' points of view on this, but I feel like the way others describe their prekids relationships and plans mine feels a little different. If anything I'm terrified we'll end up competeing to be a 'primary' parent.

[clickerish]

My division of labour is pretty even right now. It will probably be even when we have the first child at least given that the "primary" parent will not be me...and she is really quite vocal if she feels I'm not doing my share.

My worry is that we will obsess over our child to the point that we will lose our friends and possibly our relationship. It's a concern.

[2brides]

Just wanted to add - I think it also can ebb and flow in some families. Sometimes the tide shifts week by week or month by month or year by year. Once L finishes writing, I am planning on doing some volunteer work that will probably shift the balance a bit more.

Pre-kids, L definitely did more of the housework/yard work/etc and it was a bit on a point of contention that she felt like she did the lion's share of the work. But once we had kids, I think the household duties evened out more.

She hasn't been working late this week and while working from home after the kids go to bed, it has definitely been more of an equal playing field this week.

[hlke]

Jul 27, 2012 14:10:37 GMT -5 2brides said:

Just wanted to add - I think it also can ebb and flow in some families. Sometimes the tide shifts week by week or month by month or year by year. Once L finishes writing, I am planning on doing some volunteer work that will probably shift the balance a bit more.

Pre-kids, L definitely did more of the housework/yard work/etc and it was a bit on a point of contention that she felt like she did the lion's share of the work. But once we had kids, I think the household duties evened out more.

She hasn't been working late this week and while working from home after the kids go to bed, it has definitely been more of an equal playing field this week.

I imagine this will definitely be true for us. C definitely does more of the housework right now, while I take on more of the "administrative" tasks. We try to divide the housework semi-evenly, but there are times that I get stressed out and overwhelmed with work stress or life stress and C just takes care of things when I need a break/rest. I am definitely the one that parenting comes more naturally to, and so I actually hope that I will be able to take on more parenting tasks to even out the workload a little bit, or that we will be able to find a balance that works for us.

We both work a lot (sort of) right now - about 50 hours a week plus an hour commute each day. I'm not sure how this will change once we have kids. We both can definitely cut back, but C's in a more sexist/ridiculous field than me, so cutting back may hurt her more than me. I know we'll find a way to make it work, but it's going to be a balancing act.

[mk]

Jul 26, 2012 21:44:16 GMT -5 kershnic said:

Maybe I'm being naive, but I've watched my BIL and sister do it and know B and I pretty well obviously after being with her for 9 years, and I honestly think we'll keep splitting things. We work similar number of hours per week, commute similar lengths, get paid similarly, feel similarly about being involved parents, neither of us has extra commitments like school, and we sort of split things evenly now to a fault.

It's really interesting to read the parents' points of view on this, but I feel like the way others describe their prekids relationships and plans mine feels a little different. If anything I'm terrified we'll end up competeing to be a 'primary' parent.

Funny you should mention this, it's exactly what's happening with us. We both want him 90 percent of the time.

From Mandy's phone

[kershnic]

Jul 28, 2012 12:56:12 GMT -5 mk said:

Jul 26, 2012 21:44:16 GMT -5 kershnic said:

Maybe I'm being naive, but I've watched my BIL and sister do it and know B and I pretty well obviously after being with her for 9 years, and I honestly think we'll keep splitting things. We work similar number of hours per week, commute similar lengths, get paid similarly, feel similarly about being involved parents, neither of us has extra commitments like school, and we sort of split things evenly now to a fault.

It's really interesting to read the parents' points of view on this, but I feel like the way others describe their prekids relationships and plans mine feels a little different. If anything I'm terrified we'll end up competeing to be a 'primary' parent.

Funny you should mention this, it's exactly what's happening with us. We both want him 90 percent of the time.

From Mandy's phone

You're not scaring me less. Sorry you're dealing with it. For me I think the best I can hope for is that we're aware of it and can hopefully notice it and not let it destroy us. Hopefully you can do the same!

p.s. this is on my very very very short list of reasons why having twins might be better than a singleton.