Well, looks like single parenting is in my future.

[malibu]

It may be permanent, or it may be during another stint in rehab for my H. (Not DH, just H right now because in no way is he dear to me right now.)

The idiot hid a bottle of vodka in the pantry sometime between Sunday night and last night. I don't even know when he got it unless he dragged our child to the liquor store yesterday or worse, left her in the house by herself while he went to the one on the corner. I have to believe it wasn't the latter, but I basically don't trust him at all. He hid it in the pantry, and I saw his reflection in our living room window pulling it out to drink it. After his fuck-up after my work trips in August to Canada, he planned to and did go to AA meetings. After I dumped the bottle, I told him he'll be going back to Hazelden or to get the fuck out. I also asked him what money he used since I took all his cash last time this happened and his credit cards, leaving him only with a check card. He said he only had "like nine dollars". Well, after telling his parents this morning, I found out his dad had given him $50 for gas after we traveled last minute to their cabin to help take boats/jetskis out and other fall prep. I didn't know that. I do now, so I will be demanding the rest of the cash when I get home. Will be interesting to see how much is left. He left the house about 9:30 last night and claimed he went to Target to buy a new mop to replace the one he'd just broken (cheap mop, not on purpose) and came home saying it was closed. Yeah, Target is open until 10, and there's a Walmart right across the street, so I find it unlikely that was his mission. I'm guessing he went right out and bought another bottle.

Fucking. Asshole.

So I told him his ass can go back to Hazelden. and that's his ONLY choice this time. Last time, I told him he'd better have a plan, which he did and actually carried out, but clearly it isn't working. So he started by saying 'well, he'll call his sponsor after his AA meeting tomorrow', and I basically told him that wasn't good enough. If he was serious about not losing his family, he'll get his ass back in rehab. He's going to "let me know" today. He did say, when I asked him why he'd need to think about it, if that meant he needed to decide if DD and I or booze was more important, he said no, he knows that choice (not losing us). I'm kind of guessing he may be looking into other programs, because he's a researcher and a thinker, and he's probably thinking that if Hazelden didn't work the first time, he'll find a different program, and re-evaluate the ones we'd looked at before settling on Hazelden. At least I hope that is what he's doing. It's either rehab or DD and I pack up and leave. My mom says I should throw him out, but to be honest, if he fucks this up, I don't want to live there anymore. I hate our half-finished, pigsty (thanks to him being lazy and DD taking after him) of a house, and if it comes down to it, he can wallow in that house and I'll go somewhere else.

Fucking fuckity fuck fuck I hate my fucking life so much.

[SwimDeep]

I'm so sorry
...
Would it be wrong for me to say that being a single parent to one child might be easier than being a parent to two kids?

I hope he's looking at other options, but at the same time I think you're completely within your rights to be out of patience and done.
Whatever you decide to do will be the right decision. (((hugs)))

[mel]

Huge huge hugs! I'm so sorry that you are going through this and that your H is drinking again. I hope that he makes the decision to go to rehab and that things turn around for you. But ultimately you have to protect your DD and yourself and do what's best for you! I'll be thinking about you.

Eta: being a single parent totally sucks at times. I totally get it.

[SwimDeep]

Also, the more I think about it, the more pissed off I am for you.
I don't know which would be worse, leaving your DD at home or taking her with him. Either way, you are completely justified in your rage!

[bronco]

I'm sorry Malibu. Our therapist has said that the best treatment centers in the country boast only like a 98% relapse rate, so that tells you how unbelievably common relapse is. However, that doesn't mean people don't get sober, it can just take a few tries. I hope your H figures his shit out soon.
I'm so sorry he is doing this while being responsible for your daughter. That is my biggest fear with my DH's drinking.
((((Hugs))))

[flex]

I can't believe he thought it better to wait to call his sponsor after his AA meeting tomorrow!! WTF? CALL YOUR SPONSOR NOW, MO' FO'!!!

This doesn't bode well, malibu. I'm so sorry. Clearly he's not admitting that he's powerless.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I left my xh due to his ongoing substance abuse issues and he eventually went to rehab for 90 days, stayed w/ his brother for a month then I *foolishly* let him back into my place (separate rooms). he relapsed within a week of being at my place.

I've been a SINGLE parent for nearly a year w/ a handful of breaks (well coordinated, well planned out breaks)and its NOT for the faint of heart. hugs to you and the rest of you who know this path. it's not something we ever envisioned but its what's best for our kid(s) and that's why we do it !

[malibu]

He's at an AA meeting right now. I am only hoping at this point someone there talks some sense into him and talks him into going back to rehab.

I know in my head that relapse is common. I know it. But the fact he's already BEEN to treatment, has his toolbox of coping mechanisms, and still chose to drink again makes me absolutely livid. I am having a HELL of a hard time separating the addiction from the person, like they taught us in the family program. I am not sure what to expect when he gets home. Honestly, I can't even talk to him right now. I came home from work and went in the bedroom to hide. I just don't have it in me tonight. I am exhausted, broken, and hurting tonight.

Other than financial reasons, after my therapy session (thank God for that) yesterday, I think a big reason for me continuing to stay through this is twofold- I have a savior complex - my mom can recount my entire childhood of making friends with issues that I tried to fix, and my self-esteem is so far in the toilet after years of feeling inadequate and inferior to his drinking problem as well as being teased mercilessly in school that I don't feel I can do any better. My own (undiagnosed but very likely) food addiction has been in overdrive, and I am nearly 70-75 pounds heavier than I was ten years ago. I feel like a whale, and right now it's hard to imagine anyone wanting a cow like me. I am the heaviest I've ever been, and the sad part is I have absolutely zero desire to do anything about it (as I sit here and gorge on Taco Bell). Just typing that all out sounds ridiculous, but when I dig into my subconscious a little, I know those feelings are there.

Plus. I am in massive stress and anxiety mode right now as a long, arduous, tedious project i've been the lead on for two years is nearing the end, and I am putting in long hours with little sleep making sure the switch goes off without problems. It's like not one thing in my entire life is calm or relaxed. I can thank God for my higher dose of Cymbalta - while I know all this stress and anxiety is there, I'm kind of numb to it and I don't feel like having a nervous breakdown. Silver lining?

I seriously want to run away from my life and not look back. DD has been a total pill the last few weeks (and this is while we've - H and I - getting along quite well, so she isn't feeding off tension), and while I love the child to death and would take a bullet for her, her defiance, misbehavior, and likely ADHD symptoms are putting me over the edge.

[malibu]

Sept 16, 2014 19:08:08 GMT -5 lilmissladybug said:

I'm sorry Malibu. Is he using any of the resources from Hazelden. There's the MORE program for ongoing support. I hope he gets his act together.

He has all the info on MORE; unless I check the search/browser history, I wouldn't know for sure if he's using it. I doubt it. He is completely half-assing his recovery and failing.

[Deleted]

I'm really sorry, Malibu. You've certainly given him lots of chances. You have to do what you think is best. (((malibu)))

[SwimDeep]

malibu I wish I had the words, but all I really have when I read what you've written is emotion. I've been there, hell - I AM there and I also find comfort in food. I want you to know: Your feelings are absolutely not ridiculous!

The only thing I would suggest is to make a list of everything that is stressing you right now (including all the little things that you might think are silly, because they're not silly). Then try to prioritize them without putting yourself on the waiting list. My lack of self esteem tells me that other people will always be more important than me, so I should give my energy to them. My therapist tells me I am equally important, so I should give my energy to myself and not feel guilty about it.

(I want to say here that this is what my therapist has told me to do. I don't want you to feel like I'm directing you or preaching at you. I struggle with this too.)

My weight bothers me as well, and I think I've been gaining weight at about the same rate as you. I don't have a lot of energy these days, so instead of forcing myself to work out at the gym or walk when I don't want to, I focus on eating healthy food, drinking lots of water, and resting. Maybe I'm not actively losing weight, but I am respecting what my body needs and caring for it the best I can. Doing that helps me feel better.
When you feel better, you will have more patience and energy for your daughter (and if I remember correctly, she's at that age where she's testing boundaries...so she needs a lot of your energy right now).

As for your H...He's making his decisions. He is not a victim, and he is the only person who can fix himself. To me, it sounds like he hasn't hit his rock bottom yet.

I've written a lot here that you can take your leave as you will. I'm just sharing my experience and trying to let you know that you're not alone.

(((hugs)))
...
(((((HUGE HUGS)))))

[mel]

HUGE hugs malibu! You have to do what is best for you and put yourself and your DD first. You certainly have given him a lot of chances. I wish I had better advice for you but just know that I am thinking of you and praying for you!

[btay]

((())) I am so sorry Malibu. I hate that you are dealing with so much. I dealt with the savior complex as well and it is hard to accept that not everyone is open to being saved. The day I started using all my saving energy on myself is the day I started feeling like a human again. I'm always available if you need to vent.

[Deleted]

Sept 16, 2014 22:10:51 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

Then try to prioritize them without putting yourself on the waiting list. My lack of self esteem tells me that other people will always be more important than me, so I should give my energy to them. My therapist tells me I am equally important, so I should give my energy to myself and not feel guilty about it.

SwimDeep - so true and good for ALL of us to remember! Thank you.

[katieido]

I'm so sorry Malibu. Your story has resonated so much with my own, and these shenanigans were the kind of thing that just made me see RED and did the most damage to our relationship. I do encourage Al anon but I kind of bet you're there already. It has helped me so much.

Listen to your gut. I can relate to the urge to save him. But listen to your needs. Best of luck.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry malibu. How are you doing this morning?

[Muddled]

I'm so sorry, Malibu. You are making such difficult decisions now and you are so strong. Take care of yourself.

[gault]

I'm sorry, malibu

It sounds like action is needed. Your daughter deserves more than the parenting he is handing out and you deserve a break.

[malibu]

He still hasn't answered me. I tried to talk to him last night. Talk. Calmly. I got many blank stares, "I don't knows", or a simple OK when I would talk about how I feel.

I do know his dad had come to the house during the day. I have a feeling his dad laid into him and he was kind of beaten down from that. That's just my guess, I know how his dad can be. It doesn't excuse his lack of communication, but I can understand after what his dad would have likely said why he didn't want to hash it out anymore.

I wish I had a fast forward button to go to this time next year. See where things are at, if I'm not living there anymore, and bypass whatever hurt and pain are in the near future either from separation or continuing like we are. Who knows, maybe in that year he gets truly sober, I don't know. I am just so tired of hurt and pain, and I don't want to live through any more of it. No matter what decision I make, there will be hurt and pain and I just. can't. deal with it anymore.

[partiallysunny]

Leave. If he's going to get sober, he can do it with or without you two living together.

This doesn't mean you have to make a decision about your marriage right now. But I think it's best to get not only yourself but your daughter out of this situation.

[cuddlyevil]

I'm sorry malibu

I think this time, you may need to take some action rather than just issue the ultimatum. Like partiallysunny said, you don't need to make a decision about your marriage right now but you do need to make a decision about what is best for you and your daughter.

[flex]

As long as he's remaining at home at this point of time, he's going to keep pushing and pushing as long as the three of you are in the same house. Like I've said in the past, practicing alcoholics are INFAMOUS for their manipulations. He really needs a solid wake-up call. I am on the "make a decision of what is best for you and your DD" camp.

Back in my drinking days, my ex-h kept threatening and threatening, but he never held his position for very long. He'd let me off the hook so much that after awhile I stopped listening to his "threats".

Eventually he did throw me out. After living on my own for a few months and left up to my own drinking devices, I went through outpatient treatment. This was NOT because he had kicked me out. It was because I had reached my "jumping off point". When I no longer had someone lecturing me all the damn time, I hit my "bottom" much more quickly. I FINALLY made a decision that was mine, and mine alone.

[spindle92]

I am really sorry you are back here again malibu but it is time to make some hard decisions.

I have dealt with alcoholism and addiction in my family for years and trust me, just sitting by and waiting for them to make decisions or decide to change is not the way to live. You have to make yourself and your child the #1 priority here and not the person with the addiction because they are not making you a priority.

(((((Hugs)))))

[margarita]

(((malibu)))

I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. You have to do what is best for you and your DD.
Please take care of yourself.

[mel]

Huge hugs! I'm so sorry that things are so bad right now. I have to agree that you really need to leave and take care of yourself and your daughter. You've given him chances and now it time to take action.

[speckledfrog]

Ugh, malibu, I hate that you are going through this. Eff him for not talking to you. It sounds like he is trying to force you into being the bad guy so it can be one more thing that's not his fault. Jerk

[btay]

Is there any way you and your daughter could find the money to go somewhere just for a week, or a weekend even? Just a little bit of space to really allow you to think. I personally had to get out of our marital home to really be able to focus because the house itself had so many anxiety triggers (all the places I had found stashes).

[pinkdutchtulips]

when I realized I was his LARGEST enabler by far bc I was the one paying the bills ... that was the 'a-ha!' moment for me after he was hauled away on his FOURTH 5150 (CA Penal Code for Danger to Oneself and/or Others).

I got the TRO the next day complete w/ a kick out order. I realized for him to truly seek out the help he needed he HAD to do it wo dd and I there.

[elenetxu]

malibu, how are you doing? It's been a while since you posted. I'm thinking of you!