I feel guilty

[krystee]

I have wanted this for a long time. But today I had a total meltdown that we've ruined our lives and we're going to be miserable and we'll never sleep or have fun or have a clean house or be able to talk about anything else because the only topic people seem to want to discuss is the baby. I mean, like full-on crying to H.

And then 20 minutes later, I was oohing and ahhing over baby stuff in a magazine.

And then 20 minutes after that I was getting teary again because the magazine was saying to read and get pedicures now because you will never again finish a book or think about yourself. (Is that depressing to anyone else, or just me?)

And then I was yelling at H about how we are going to suck as parents because our house is messy and we never take the time to just freaking clean the whole thing.

I think he is terrified of me now. Heck, I am terrified of me. What the heck is going on, and why am I feeling like this when I have wanted this so badly and I am so excited? And I feel so terrible because I swore I'd never complain if I would just get pregnant. And this roller coaster of ecstatic and terrified and depressed all in two hours was exhausting.

Okay, I am done rambling now. I just needed to get that off my chest. Anyone else having roller-coaster emotions, or am I a lunatic?

[starburst604]

All those same fears nag at me too, I get it. Yet at the same time I am terrified of losing this pregnancy, how do those two things coexist?! The only conclusion I can come to is that yes my life, home, finances and marriage will change in all those ways, but it will be for something that we love so much that it will feel worth the sacrifice? I also think every relationship and parenting situation is different. I refuse to believe that I will never get a pedicure or have dinner with my girlfriends again. I have friends who make the time to have a life outside of their children, who are able to have non-child conversations with me, and I try to remember that.

[MrsAggie]

I think, if they're honest with themselves, everyone would admit to similar feelings before their first child. It's the unknown and total lifestyle change that is unnerving. Pregnancy hormones definitely don't help either!

[coribelle26]

I could write a novel about how I've had those feelings, even this pregnancy after a loss, but I think everyone else could too so I will just say this: just because we had to wait longer for our babies doesn't mean we've had any more time to get used to the idea! It's the most life-changing thing that any person can experience, and especially for many of us TTCers since we've spent so much energy on trying to get pregnant (and not letting ourselves think much about an actual baby because it's painful when we don't know if/when we will ever have one).

Also, don't underestimate the power of hormones. I spend most days trapped in a glass cage of emotions lately, lol!

You're definitely not alone.

[whiskeyandwine]

I have the same thoughts, sometimes. Like Starburst, I do not understand how I can be worried about a loss and the major life changes of a kid at the same time, but I am managing to do so!

[Monica Geller]

I've had a ribbon drawer meltdown. I was actually having a mini-panic attack this morning with H because of all the "things" that need to get done before the baby gets here... in 6 months....there's not enough time! WTH?? Get a grip, Monica!

[starburst604]

We just moved into our house in April and between a busy summer and recovering financially from buying said house, we haven't furnished and decorated as much as I'd like. This morning I got all worked up thinking about how if we don't decorate before the baby comes, we NEVER will and it will always look bare and unfurnished, and allll the extra money will go toward baby room stuff and baby things! The list goes on and on.

[azurely]

You're definitely not alone. No matter how much we wanted this, how much we went through to get here, or how long we waited to experience this, it's still overwhelming to think that we're going to be responsible for a human in roughly eight weeks.

I know the newborn stage will change our lives completely, but I know life will go back to semi normal eventually. And in the meantime, I'll love my new normal. Snuggling my baby on the couch with a rented movie sounds much better than the movie theater, and I'll happily eat takeout instead of going out to dinner for the next few years. And I can always call grandma and grandpa (on both sides) when we need a date night or just some adult time.

[maybebabiesrus]

My family likes to tell me that if I didn't have a problem to deal with, I'd go looking for one. This post was good to read. I'm struggling with these issues as they apply to trying to have children, and they strip me of the confidence that I would be a good mom or that I should be a mother. They make me feel like I won't enjoy being a mother or will resent my children. IF screws with my head. I'm glad to know that 1) I'm not alone, and 2) it's not something that magically gets cured by pregnancy but instead something we all have to work on and process through.

It can feel isolating to think I'm alone I any of these worries, but as other have pointed out, IF makes some women so focused on the process of getting KU that they don't get hung up on these "when I'm a mom" stresses. I'm always looking 15 steps down the road for a problem, so I'm there already. Being so analytical can make TTTC even more challenging.

[nmosrob]

That's exactly how I felt while going through treatment, but surprisingly since my bfp, it hasn't been bad...yet, lol. I'm sure it will come back.

I can't stand when articles or friends or whomever say that you'll never have time for anything and make it seem like being a parent is a jail sentence. Everyone handles things differently. Like RexManningDay said, I have friends who have kids and still do whatever they want, and I'm sure we'll be able to do the same, someday

[aliciar6]

((hugs)) you're not alone! I have been having similar meltdowns and heck I even had a meltdown because my work pants didn't fit right and it's DH's fault and then yelling at him to "hurry up and finish off part of the basement for the cat since he won't give up the office so the cat's going to have to give up her bedroom and I need a(nother) closet since eventually the child will want the closet space in their bedroom, and we need a spare room for when my family comes out from Nebraska, and you promised me a pool, how am I going to have time to run in the AM at work with K if you won't take the baby occassionally until day care opens, what do you mean YOU can't take the baby, and sleep, I need sleep, what am I going to do, what have we done, I'm not ready for this..."

*takes a big breath* yeah I'm still totally nervous. Looking at all the different baby gear and then hearing my SIl say "oh yeah, they only use most of it for 3 months at at time" made things worse because now I have to research more to see what I REALLY REALLY NEED that will be used for more than just 3 months.

But I also don't know anyone who didn't get to start doing things they wanted to again after having a baby so I know that pedicures and facials aren't a thing of the past. Plus my dad managed getting an engineering degree and tons of fun reading while raising and watching me and my brother.

[FastHands]

My baby is a month olf as og yesterday and I STILL have these thoughts. It's normal.






....but really, go get a peficure.

[anna7602]

I read a lot, if that makes you feel better. I have finished at least 3 novels since DS was born 7 weeks ago, including Barbara Kingsolver's 500+ page "the Poisonwood Bble." I read while I am nursing him or holding him while he takes a catnap or while we're on the subway together and he is happily contained in his stroller or in the carrier.

[bk1]

You aren't alone!


This is my third pregnancy and I have had those thoughts every single time. Even after my first miscarriage I went back and forth between being terrified we would loose the baby to thinking what in the hell did we do? Totally normal.

[busterpup]

You're not alone, but I can tell you that once the little one is on a schedule and sleeping through the night (mostly) you really do have a lot of time. DD had a couple of years where she would go to bed at 7pm and sleep through the night. It left our entire evenings open, which was nice. The first few months are tough, but they're almost like living in a dream anyway.

[mae141]

I didn't have that until after DD was born until she was about 3 months. I think when I was pregnant everything was such a blur and I was just so excited that it didn't seem real yet. Then once we got home from the hospital, it hit. I'm sure it was probably ppd but I didn't get any help for it. I cried all the time and I felt disgusting and didn't think life would ever feel normal again. I said horrible things to my husband because he could go to work and the gym and be normal while I has towels stuffed in my bra because I couldn't even change my shirt without leaking everywhere. I thought I was being punished for doing IVF and having a baby when I obviously wasn't supposed to have children. And I felt so guilty for thinking things like that.

You're not alone. Hormones make you nuts. Nothing will ever be the same as it was, but you'll have a new normal and things will not feel quite so crazy.

[krystee]

We found out it's a little boy today! I already feel more attached/happy now that I can picture my son and it's not just the little parasite that was making me tired and queasy.

[starburst604]

Sept 23, 2014 20:21:14 GMT -5 krystee said:

We found out it's a little boy today! I already feel more attached/happy now that I can picture my son and it's not just the little parasite that was making me tired and queasy.

That is so exciting

I think in my bargaining with God during today's ordeal, I apologized for having these thoughts. Lol. I'm sure God gets it!

[nmosrob]

Yayyyy krystee!!!!