My dad's AA birthday is today and I can't deal.

[justkly]

Today is my dad's 5th AA birthday. His wife text me that I should acknowledge it and call him.  She doesn't get it.  It's not his birthday.  At least for me.  His birthday is in February.  In February, I was always sure to let him know that I was proud of him.  I always acknowledged his AA accomplishments in February, not September.  I went every time he accepted a cake and his chip. In February.  

5 years ago in July, my dad relapsed after having over 12 years sober.  He acted insane for 2 months. At least in his first bought of alcoholism, he was still my dad at the core.  This time was different.  He cheated on my step mom (the lady I consider my real mom and my heart. My deceased bio mom was an addict), drove drunk all over town and we had to drag him out of bars multiple times.  I'm glad he got back into AA two months later, but the damage was done.  He and my step mom divorced.  He married the lady he started cheating with.  He ran out and joined a (sober) biker club and bought a Harley.  Grew his hair out and only talks about biker life. He literally is text book mid-life crisis.  He's not the man I grew up with and loved as a father. When I visit home now, he meets me once for 30 minutes by himself at a fast food place because his new wife dislikes me.  I feel like I don't even know him anymore.

To them, it's an accomplishment. A 5 year AA birthday.  To me, it was the day my family was ripped apart and my dad became unrecognizable.  My H says that this is not about me right now and that I should still congratulate my dad.  I'm just having a really hard time doing so.  To me, it was the day that my family died. 

I know that I am rambling. Can someone please give me any words of wisdom. I'm struggling.

[panicked]

Have you thought amount al-anon?

[justkly]

Sept 23, 2014 19:35:42 GMT -5 panicked said:

Have you thought amount al-anon?

I went to Al A Teen for at least 5 years.

I'm not even sure my anxiety is drinking related. I think it was the catalyst, but I believe I am more upset over his mid-life crisis. I sort of feel like he died during that time period. Maybe Al-Anon would help. I just feel like he is no longer a part of my life and this time period every year is what initiated it. I don't know.  

[btay]

Al Anon is not a bad idea, even if the catalyst to these feelings are the mid life crisis, Al Anon provides you with tools to cope. I don't think you should have to acknowledge the anniversary if it isn't a happy thing for you either.

[Deleted]

As a member of AA, I'd suggest you certainly don't have to acknowledge his birthday. Just because his wife says you should, doesn't mean anything. That impetus should come from within you. As you mentioned, you've always acknowledged his birthday previously, been there for his chip and cake.

I would ask -- has your dad made any sort of amends to you? Apologized for the hurt he caused you, your stepmom, and your family? You haven't mentioned that. If he is working his program, doing the steps, I kinda think the he would have discussed the harm he caused.

I've heard it said that as alcoholics we KNOW what we did, we just don't know how deep we hurt them (family members). If he hasn't made any amends, I don't think you need to pretend to be happy about his 5 year accomplishment. This is just my opinion. I believe if he were truly sincere about working his program, he should have made amends to you by now. flex?

[flex]

I agree with @courtneyloves---he owes an amends. At least this active-in-AA alcoholic thinks so. I'm wondering if he's worked the 12 Steps during this round of sober time. It doesn't sound like it.

There are many people in AA who never work the Steps. They go to meetings, they get the coins, they stay sober, but it's mostly "white knuckling".

justkly, you have no obligation to "celebrate" his AA birthday, and don't let his wife guilt you to think otherwise. I'm so sorry his stint into alcoholic drinking has brought you pain. You are such a nice person. Like the PP's, I encourage you to give Al-Anon a whirl. Perhaps it will help.

[malibu]

As always, what flex said.

I wouldn't acknowledge it. Especially if it's only at the prodding of his wife who you state doesn't like you. Fuck her.

[flex]

Sept 24, 2014 14:51:16 GMT -5 malibu said:

As always, what flex said.

I wouldn't acknowledge it. Especially if it's only at the prodding of his wife who you state doesn't like you. Fuck her.

Agreed.  It's done of her damn business.

If it was me, and I had heard my spouse was contacting my children about my "birthday", I'd be pissed at my spouse.

[justkly]

Sept 24, 2014 1:01:24 GMT -5 flex said:

I agree with @courtneyloves---he owes an amends. At least this active-in-AA alcoholic thinks so. I'm wondering if he's worked the 12 Steps during this round of sober time. It doesn't sound like it.

There are many people in AA who never work the Steps. They go to meetings, they get the coins, they stay sober, but it's mostly "white knuckling".

justkly, you have no obligation to "celebrate" his AA birthday, and don't let his wife guilt you to think otherwise. I'm so sorry his stint into alcoholic drinking has brought you pain. You are such a nice person. Like the PP's, I encourage you to give Al-Anon a whirl. Perhaps it will help.

Thank you guys so much. I never even thought of this and it's probably why I feel so torn. No, I don't believe he re-worked his steps the second time around and if he did, he certainly is not acknowledging the hurt he has caused.

I feel like I have focused my time on feeling guilty for not being proud of him, when he hasn't bothered this time around.  Thank you for making me realize that my feelings ARE valid and it's Ok to be hurt, even all this time later.  

Unfortunately, if any repair to our relationship is to be made at this point, I think it's on me and I'm not ready to initiate. 

I really appreciate the insight you ladies have brought. 

You are especially amazing Flexie <3  (I can't tag right now. Don't know why, but I hope you all see this!).

[flex]

(((hugs)))) to justkly