DH leaves tomorrow to be admitted to a residential treatment facility. Expected stay is 4-6 weeks, with no contact for the first week. DS is almost 3. He knows that DH is going on an airplane tomorrow and won't be back for awhile-we've told him that DH has to go away for work for a bit (not normal for DH's job, but I just had 2 weekends OOT for work so we figured that'd be best).
For those who have dealt with a separation of this length or longer with a toddler-what should I expect? Mentally I have been trying to prepare myself for him asking for/wanting DH and subsequent tantrums, and I plan on telling DC that we've had an unexpected, temporary change in our family situation. I'm trying to keep his schedule as normal as possible, so I'll be off on Fridays (when DH is usually home with him). He's going to get some extra time with MIL also. What else? He's recently PT'ed, so I guess a regression in that wouldn't be abnormal.
Post by ellipses84 on Sept 28, 2014 14:06:15 GMT -5
((Hugs)) My DH moved out of state for a job several months ahead of us right around the time my DS turned 3. We had 3 visits during that time, but the longest stretch between visits was 8 weeks. Keeping your DS on his routine is the best thing you can do, and plan lots of fun activities for him to look forward to on the days you are with him all day, even if it's just going to the park.
The first week may be rough with no contact. Once you can have contact again, work it into your routine. We face timed every night we could and it was usually while I was reading bedtime stories and saying goodnight. We'd prop the phone up like DH was in the room. DS had to spend longer hours in Daycare because I had to do dropoff and pickup, but he handled it well. We focused on plans for the future, like in X weeks were going to see Daddy or once X, Y and Z happen we'll see Daddy. If he said he missed him, I'd tell him I miss Daddy too but he'll be home in a few weeks.
@starry-thanks, I had no idea that board was even there. Heh. I will definitely check it out.
@punky-thanks for the ideas. I will try to plan something for when DH gets back. We don't know exactly when that will be, but I'm sure I can figure out something that will be flexible enough. We're used to calling DH every night before bed (he works opposite hours from me), so I know that that will be an adjustment. We aren't quite sure yet what the phone situation will be, only that there's nothing for 1 week and he won't have access to his cell.
Oh and it might be just me, but I'd wait on saying anything to the DC, unless you are extremely close to them. If you are trying to keep DS in routine, they may question him or treat him differently. I've been in situations like that where it could backfire. But I would inquire with them every day on how he's doing and if something is out of the ordinary, i'd discuss further.
Thanks for the opposing view on this. I thought about not saying anything-but I have a feeling that they're going to question it sooner rather than later because I have to do drop-off (and I've only done it 3 times ever!), so they'll know something's up. I also have to talk to the director about 2 mornings I need to bring him in early due to work commitments. Maybe wait and see is the way to go. I'm struggling with the who needs to know v. who do I want to know v. who do I need to not say a word to due to potential backfire/judgement/whatever that I simply cannot deal with at this time.
The longest my H has ever been gone was 3 weeks in Russia. She was 2 yrs and 3 months old. I just kept saying, "daddy's in Russoa, he will be back in x day".
We would FaceTime and talk daily-can he do that?
Finally-I had to be really organized ( meals, clothes, laundry, etc.)
I took a lot of walks and tried to make evenings to quickly.
I'm doubting we can FT or Skype from what I'm hearing.
I'm going to be honest-I fear the 3 day weekends. DS has been a handful lately, typical toddler BS, and it is taking a lot for me to keep my cool. I'm trying to come up with a lot of stuff for us to do to pass the time. I have to change my running schedule, so stroller runs in the evening will be our norm.
Thankfully I'm reasonably organized now, just need to figure out a cleaning schedule since DH does all the cleaning.
I'm doubting we can FT or Skype from what I'm hearing.
I'm going to be honest-I fear the 3 day weekends. DS has been a handful lately, typical toddler BS, and it is taking a lot for me to keep my cool. I'm trying to come up with a lot of stuff for us to do to pass the time. I have to change my running schedule, so stroller runs in the evening will be our norm.
Thankfully I'm reasonably organized now, just need to figure out a cleaning schedule since DH does all the cleaning.
The 3 day weekends are rough. I do weekend duty once per month when H works-do you see a theme here?
Anyway, PM me if you want suggestions or to get together. We will be in PGH this coming weekend, but will be back the following weekend.
Luckily there are lots of festivals and stuff coming up-I'd do pumpkin picking, the Renaissamce festival, and we have tentative and for the Hot Air Balloon festival
Thanks
We're going to the pumpkin patch this afternoon as our last family outing before he leaves. I'll definitely PM you!
Could your husband record some videos tonight that you can pull out here and there as special treats at least during the first week with no contact?
Just a thought. I have an infant, so I’m not sure whether this would help or hurt! Perhaps it depends on the child?
And is hiring someone to help with the cleaning an option? Or would your MIL help a little, maybe?
Big hugs to you. You sound really strong and rational! I’m impressed. I hope your family is back in one place (physically) and in a better place (figuratively) very soon!
Post by UnderProtest on Sept 28, 2014 17:54:26 GMT -5
No real advice, my husband travels a lot for work any my kids barely seem to notice. It could be a lot easier than you think. But tons of hugs and thoughts coming your way.
Could your husband record some videos tonight that you can pull out here and there as special treats at least during the first week with no contact?
Just a thought. I have an infant, so I’m not sure whether this would help or hurt! Perhaps it depends on the child?
And is hiring someone to help with the cleaning an option? Or would your MIL help a little, maybe?
Big hugs to you. You sound really strong and rational! I’m impressed. I hope your family is back in one place (physically) and in a better place (figuratively) very soon!
Thanks-I have a few of him reading to DS, that's a great idea.
I may sound strong, but that's my default behavior. I'm a doer-I live by my lists and getting shit done. I'm holding out until after DS goes to bed tomorrow and DH leaves to have one good, long sobfest. They need me to hold on and be strong right now. I know this is what we need to do to be in a better place, but I fear the sustainability. The other problem with being a doer is I often take care of others before myself. But I know this and am trying to set up something to take care of me too. My mapped out schedule maintains my running mileage, though at different times than I run right now.
Funny enough, we just decided to hire a cleaning service. It's on my list of things to do this week-schedule the first round.
Don't forget about yourself too being a solo parent is hard and I've only ever done it for a week, so I don't really know how tough a month would be. If you get to that point where you need a break I would seriously consider sending him to dc on Fridays if they are able to take him so you can recharge.
I may sound strong, but that's my default behavior. I'm a doer-I live by my lists and getting shit done. I'm holding out until after DS goes to bed tomorrow and DH leaves to have one good, long sobfest. They need me to hold on and be strong right now. I know this is what we need to do to be in a better place, but I fear the sustainability. The other problem with being a doer is I often take care of others before myself. But I know this and am trying to set up something to take care of me too. My mapped out schedule maintains my running mileage, though at different times than I run right now.
I’m glad you’re trying to take care of yourself. Sometimes easier said than done, I know, but you’ve got the right idea. I completely understand re: struggling to decide how much info to share and with whom, but I’m sure you have some good friends who know and can give you some support. Lean on the people you trust and give them ways to help. Their listening may become part of your caring for yourself. Or their help in caring for your little guy may free up time for running. They’ll be working hard to figure out what you need; don’t be afraid to go ahead and tell them - it’ll make it easier on all of you! (Think of them posting on a board, asking for suggestions of how to help you. ) And maybe your MIL, too. Not sure whether you’re close or she’s just helpful with your LO.
And I still think you’re strong! Strong doesn’t mean never crying. Get it out!
And if you don’t want to be strong, that’s okay, too. One day at a time. Or one hour. Whichever way of breaking it down works for you. Celebrate small victories.
Post by jackie011 on Sept 28, 2014 19:09:06 GMT -5
I agree with suzubell keep daycare in the loop. You don't have to give them a ton of details, but it's always helpful to know when a child is going through something at home. I have a few children with changing home situations this year and there are a few times where it's challenging. It's helpful to know that Johnny may need a few extra hugs right now.
Post by bronxgirl on Sept 28, 2014 21:22:20 GMT -5
Many, many hugs to you. You and your family are in my thoughts. I wish I lived closer to you so I could help out. Do you have any family nearby who can help? I wonder if his facility will have a social worker who can give you ideas about how to talk to a young child about your husband's situation. PM me if you ever want to talk.
In your situation, I'd probably tell daycare he's "doing some work out of town/state for the next 4-6 weeks...not sure of his assignment yet." That's not dishonest, and it will lead to fewer speculations than your OP.
Kids are quite resilient. Every child is different, and hopefully yours will be able to take this all in stride. Just try to stay as patient as possible and remember it's not easy for the kids, either.
It sounds like you're as prepared as possible. Remember, as long as everyone is fed and has clean underwear, almost everything else can wait.
Thinking of you & your family & I hope this time passes quickly for you!
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Sept 28, 2014 23:51:36 GMT -5
i told dd, who was 4 at the time, that her daddie was sick and was getting better at a special hospital. he and i had been separated for 4 months at that time but still when she asked about him, i had to tell her an age appropriate version of the truth.
i'm sorry that you're going through this, it can't be easy.
eta - i've been doing the SOLO parenting thing for a year now so feel free to PM if you've got any questions or to vent (simply bc the recovery board is SLOW these days).