I hate my life right now

[mel]

So I've spent the past week literally sleeping and working. I've left the house a total of 4 times. 3 times to go to work and once to go to therapy. When I'm home I'm in bed. And I've spent more time crying than not. My brother moving has really got me down. It just really hits that I have nothing here. No friends and no family. I do have 2 friends but I haven't talked to them in weeks.

I really really want to go home. I want to move back to Texas and I can't because of my custody situation. I feel stuck here and I've had horrible thoughts over the past week. I feel like the worst parent ever because I've had feelings of resentment towards my son. I've been thinking that I'm stuck here because of him and if I hadn't of ever had a child with my ex then I could just leave. I briefly even thought I could just give her custody just to get me out of here. I'm desperate to leave. It makes me sick to think that I could ever have these thoughts/feelings toward him. I love him so much and I would never give up custody of him. I am so ashamed of myself for these thoughts. I'm so desperate though to have a support system. To be close to my family and my friends.

I have a few days off in a couple of weeks and have even thought about flying back for a couple of days but I'm torn because it could make me feel worse. Or it could make me feel better. I don't know what to do.

I'm in bed now and hanging on to my son's lovey. I hate my life and I can't do anything about it.

[flex]

Please heed your counselor's advice and try a few AA meetings.

I understand you're miserable, but in order to help these feelings dissipate, you need to try to replace the coping skills you have now (which aren't helping and are quite harmful) with some different (healthy) coping skills.

(((hugs)))

[malibu]

I'm sorry, mel.

How much do the two friends you have there know about what's happening in your life? I have a few close friends who, over the years, I'd pulled further and further away from, and they had no idea what was going on. When I finally opened up to them and detailed what life had been for me since I stopped getting together with them, I was amazed at the support I received. Even if your friends don't know, and you haven't talked to them in weeks, I highly suggest contacting them. You'd be surprised how supportive and awesome it is to open up to trusted friends. I instantly felt better knowing I had some support behind me. In addition to the AA meetings, I would definitely suggest getting in touch with your friends you have there and letting them support you.

[SwimDeep]

(((mel)))
I'm sorry things are rough right now. I don't know if it helps, but the routine that you're in (while it sounds mundane) isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes, day-to-day routine is the only thing I can hold onto. I think it's because there's not so much thinking involved. Sometimes my motto is "Don't think - Just do."

I agree with flex, evelynrichards, and malibu - AA could very well give you the support you're craving right now. I know it's scary at first, but the more you go, the more people you'll recognize and then all of a sudden you'll find yourself in a circle of trusted friends.

[mel]

My friends don't know much because I don't want to be a burden to them. They have enough going on in their own lives. I don't want to add to their stress. I don't want to be that friend that never has it together and is just taxing and exhausting all of the time. I'm afraid of becoming that.

Just getting by day to day is a struggle. I spend all the time that I'm laying in bed just thinking over and over again how my life sucks and there is nothing for me here and how if I wasn't trapped here due to the custody situation that I could go home and be with my friends and family. It's like a broken record that plays over and over inside of my head.

I haven't been to an AA meeting yet because I have this preconceived idea in my head that it's not an appropriate place to meet people and to try to develop a support system through. In reality I know that my thoughts are wrong but it goes back to the same thoughts I have about my friends. The people there have their own stuff going on and I don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.

[flex]

Mel, just go. Don't over think this and go.

This board is about "recovery" which means taking to others who have been through the same thing, and by changing bad behaviors.  Recovery means getting better.  I know that life can be a pile of shit, but it can be warm and comfortable in that pile of shit.  : )

[Eureka1984]

((Hugs mel)) I don't know what to say but I am thinking of you.

[SwimDeep]

mel - Don't think. Just go! It won't be that scary once you get there. Believe me, I know how hard it is to get out of that bed. I also know how grateful I am for the people who have given me the kick in the butt I needed to get help for myself.
(((HUGS)))

[Deleted]

mel, everyone here is giving you good advice. Pick up the phone and call your friends. Open up and let them know what is going on. Would you resent if one of them called you for help? I'm guessing not. They don't want you suffering like this.

Go to an AA meeting. Sweetie, nothing is going to get better by lying in bed marinating in your preconceived ideas about AA. Trust me, I didn't want to go, but I am so glad I did. Most of my close friends are alcoholics (not the practicing kind) because they understand. As someone who has been in AA for a few years, I can tell you newcomers are the bright spot in our lives.