An intro

[arch01]

DH will be on a plane in 5 hours to go to a residential treatment facility for alcohol (along with treatment for his ADD/anxiety/depression). We have a 2.5 year old and DH will be gone for 6 weeks.

He has tried on his own to break the cycle, but obviously has been unsuccessful. His grandfather was an alcoholic, his dad drinks a LOT, and once DH starts, he doesn't stop. He has stayed 100% sober for a few weeks here and there, but then goes back down the "I can have just 1 drink" road again, which turns into 6-8 nightly. I didn't know how bad it was until Friday at 1:45am when I got a text saying to come downstairs, and there he was with his face all scraped up because he did a faceplant into the concrete. We work opposite schedules, so it is easier for him to hide it from me during the week.

I'm taking this week to sort everything out and get used to what the "normal" will be for the next 6 weeks with just me and DS. Because he's not in FT daycare, I am having to take off work (roughly 12 hours/week) so we don't rock his schedule too much. I'm trying to keep everything as normal for him as possible. After this week I'll start figuring out where I need to go from here. DH hasn't been a fan of AA in the past, mainly due to the religion aspect-even though it's open to everyone, he isn't comfortable with the prayer/God mentions, so I'm also waiting on the facility to give me some direction on what to do/where to go.

I'm also in the process of figuring out how I'm going to empty out our house of the alcohol-I drink also, but usually it's a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. Rarely is it 2/night. This will be a change for me as well, and while I don't intend to 100% quit (if I go out with friends, I'll probably have one), I do intend to keep it out of the house to help DH. We have about 40 bottles of wine, a bit of liquor, and a few cases of beer (we like craft beers and Octoberfest is our favorite time of year). 

Saying goodbye sucked this morning (I'm at work today), but I fear the sustainability. We have tried to put a positive spin on this-he needs this to gain the tools he needs to resist temptation, to figure out how to deal with his problems, and to get healthy. One day at a time, right?

So, hi.

[arch01]

Sept 29, 2014 11:34:08 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Welcome! There are a few people here in similar situations -- coping with DHs who have recently entered recovery. (I'm one of them.)

Thanks

I'm going to be completely honest, I'm really glad to see some familiar faces from boards I either post or lurk regularly on (CEP, MM, MMM). It feels a bit better than the blank stares I've been met with when I've told a few others who need to know for various reasons.

[arch01]

I have-it's on my to do list for next Monday to find one. My brain is so overloaded right now that I need to get stuff in order for our immediate needs and then I can concentrate on me.

I had no idea how lonely it would be-I have a supervisor who used to work with recovering addicts (actually in the city where DH is going), and she has been an awesome tool. Other than that, I have yet to find people who even remotely understand.

[malibu]

Welcome! My H returned from a month-long treatment program in July. I too had the same issues of suddenly being a single parent, working, etc., and what I will say is that it was MUCH easier than I'd anticipated.

I wish your H much luck in his recovery. Stick around and keep posting!

[flex]

Hi and welcome! We're here for you.

[arch01]

Sept 29, 2014 12:42:31 GMT -5 malibu said:

Welcome! My H returned from a month-long treatment program in July. I too had the same issues of suddenly being a single parent, working, etc., and what I will say is that it was MUCH easier than I'd anticipated.

I wish your H much luck in his recovery. Stick around and keep posting!

Thanks-I have a feeling that after I get through the initial shock of it all, things will be a bit better. The anxiety (on both ends) was through the roof this weekend. It has definitely lessened now that I'm at work and he's stepping on a plane in 3 hours.

[SwimDeep]

Hello and Welcome

My H is in recovery, and I am in a similar mindset as you. I want to support my H, so I want to keep alcohol out of the house. But at the same time, I can have a glass of wine without it turning into an entire bottle.
I don't have any suggestions for what to do with what you have, though. Keeping it in the house will give him a temptation he might not be strong enough to face when he gets back from rehab.

Is there someone you trust to keep it for you?

Also, I just want to say that you're entering a new normal. Anxiety and nerves are to be expected, but they should lessen as you all adjust to new routines.
(It's been one of the hardest things for H and I to do. Living with each other sober is completely different from living with each other drunk.)

[arch01]

Sept 29, 2014 14:16:50 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

Hello and Welcome

My H is in recovery, and I am in a similar mindset as you. I want to support my H, so I want to keep alcohol out of the house. But at the same time, I can have a glass of wine without it turning into an entire bottle.
I don't have any suggestions for what to do with what you have, though. Keeping it in the house will give him a temptation he might not be strong enough to face when he gets back from rehab.

Is there someone you trust to keep it for you?

Also, I just want to say that you're entering a new normal. Anxiety and nerves are to be expected, but they should lessen as you all adjust to new routines.
(It's been one of the hardest things for H and I to do. Living with each other sober is completely different from living with each other drunk.)

Thanks Some of it is going to be given away-he loves IPAs, and they're not my favorite, so that's easy to go. Other stuff I'm using as "payment" for services by friends where I know they won't accept cash-installing a new TV, swapping out some doors, etc.

The wine...maybe MIL. We don't go over there that much, so it's not going to be a big issue (at least I don't think-IDK). Otherwise, if I don't drink it, I have a few friends who would take it. 

It's seriously amazing how the anxiety has (almost) gone away today. Reality hasn't quite sunk in yet, but I feel better than I did yesterday. 

[SwimDeep]

You know what arch01? I think several of us here have felt that same relief. I feel it every time my H is at a meeting. I feel it every time I'm out running errands by myself...it's that moment of peace. I hold onto it as long as I can.

[btay]

Welcome I sent my H off to treatment just under 2 years ago. The relief I felt the second he was checked in was so amazing. I had 45 days to only worry about myself. If the treatment center has a family program I highly recommend it. I am sure it will be tricky to work out child care but if at all possible do it. I learned so much in those 4 days that really helped when my H came back home.

[pattieice]

Big hugs to you. Please know that you are not alone. Out of desperation I started attending Al anon in July and it is already helping. I highly recommend it.

[Deleted]

Welcome to you arch01. I'm glad you found our little corner here!

[Deleted]

Sept 29, 2014 12:05:13 GMT -5 arch01 said:

Sept 29, 2014 11:34:08 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Welcome! There are a few people here in similar situations -- coping with DHs who have recently entered recovery. (I'm one of them.)

Thanks

I'm going to be completely honest, I'm really glad to see some familiar faces from boards I either post or lurk regularly on (CEP, MM, MMM). It feels a bit better than the blank stares I've been met with when I've told a few others who need to know for various reasons.

People give you blank stares because they just don't know what to say.  Trust me. 

Let us know how things progress while your DH is away.  We're a pretty supportive group!

[arch01]

Sept 29, 2014 22:24:45 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Sept 29, 2014 12:05:13 GMT -5 arch01 said:

Thanks

I'm going to be completely honest, I'm really glad to see some familiar faces from boards I either post or lurk regularly on (CEP, MM, MMM). It feels a bit better than the blank stares I've been met with when I've told a few others who need to know for various reasons.

People give you blank stares because they just don't know what to say.  Trust me. 

Let us know how things progress while your DH is away.  We're a pretty supportive group!

I figured it's either that or it's taking a moment for the shock to sink in. No one even thought there was a problem, so I get that question too.

Thanks for the support everyone, I really appreciate it. I got a call at 1:15am from the facility saying DH got there and was admitted. I got to talk to him very quickly between flights, I let DS do our regular nighttime routine of calling him before bed and we happened to catch him right before he boarded.

I did figure out last night though that MIL won't talk about it. She watches DS on Mondays and we had a chance to talk for a few minutes but she completely shut down. I invited her to pick apples with me/DS on Sunday, so I'm hoping she will open up a bit then. I know that people process things differently and I'm trying to respect that, as much as it sucks not having her to talk to. We aren't overly close, but we get along pretty well and she helps out a lot with DS. 

[arch01]

So, turns out I missed a call from DH at 11:30 last night. My phone never rang, never showed it as a missed call. Fuck.

DS' teacher immediately looked at my hand at my rings when I told her DH was gone for 6 weeks and to be prepared for any behavior issues. That was fun.

[Noblegirl]

I'm sorry you missed his call I don't have any advice, but reading your post is helping me prepare for what I see in my future. And even though it's hard to solo parent, it has to be a relief to have him in treatment, right? After my night with DH last night I'm still so mad I can hardly look at him.

[arch01]

Oct 1, 2014 9:04:39 GMT -5 Noblegirl said:

I'm sorry you missed his call I don't have any advice, but reading your post is helping me prepare for what I see in my future. And even though it's hard to solo parent, it has to be a relief to have him in treatment, right? After my night with DH last night I'm still so mad I can hardly look at him.

I just read your post on MM and will DM you a bit later. Right now I'm about to lose my shit on my husband's HR department for being ridiculously unresponsive.

It is a relief to an extent-but I'm not going to lie, it's scary at the same time. I wonder what our future looks like and how I can support him to make him successful. It is all so, so new and with so many unknowns that I know I just need some time to pass and my questions will be answered, but I'm a planner and a doer, I don't like the unknown.

I will say though that I'm so, so proud of him for taking this step. I know it wasn't easy.