Adjusting to the "now what" new normal

[flex]

I can totally relate. I think it happens to most of us. (((hugs)))

I read something in a magazine that explains why we get stressed about things that MIGHT happen. Our species has survived, not based on happiness or comfort, but on the ability to try to project what is around the corner. Is there a saber tooth tiger out there ready to pounce on me? Is that plant safe to eat or will it kill me? How cold is it going to get tonight? Since early man, our brains are wired to plan to see "ahead" and have a contingency plan to use in case of emergency.

Now that we have most of the creature comforts at our fingertips, our brains are still looking for the "what ifs" and we create our own potential dangers in our head. To me, this explanation made me understand why I fret the way I do, even though everything's going fine. Make sense?

[flex]

I want to hug you right now, @courtneyloves.

[SwimDeep]

Sept 29, 2014 22:01:56 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

A life I'll never know was stolen from me by worry.

I'm going to print this quote out in a fancy font and frame it.
(((hugs))) thank you for sharing!

ETA: actually...maybe I'll cut a stencil of it and paint it right on the wall - sort of like post-its on the mirror, but bigger.

[SwimDeep]

@evelynrichards - I've been thinking about responding to this post for a while, and I've really been struggling with it. I think there's a part of me right now that's upset that I'm facing a new normal. It took me so long to feel okay and comfortable in the normal I had, and now I have to adjust and change in order to please and appease the people around me and put on a happy face for the people who don't have a clue what I've been through or what I'm going through.

I've had quite a few outbursts and mood swings (more than usual), and I wonder if I'm subconsciously acting out against this "new normal."

[arch01]

I've been thinking about this all week and haven't come up with a response, really. All I know is I'm ready to have that "new normal" get here. This in-patient thing with no information/poor communication is exhausting. I almost told DH I give up trying last night since he is telling me one thing, the therapist is avoiding answering my questions and giving non-answers, and no one is returning calls when I have questions. I KNOW that's not the right answer, but it sure would be easier at this point it seems.

[arch01]

Oct 10, 2014 8:58:26 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Oct 10, 2014 8:26:17 GMT -5 arch01 said:

I've been thinking about this all week and haven't come up with a response, really. All I know is I'm ready to have that "new normal" get here. This in-patient thing with no information/poor communication is exhausting. I almost told DH I give up trying last night since he is telling me one thing, the therapist is avoiding answering my questions and giving non-answers, and no one is returning calls when I have questions. I KNOW that's not the right answer, but it sure would be easier at this point it seems.

What would happen if you did just let it go for now? What kind of negative implications would this have on you? Not saying you should, but just wondering if some of the burden can be taken off you. You're certainly trying your best.

I'm not sure-honestly while it would lower my stress level a bit (but probably not a lot), I can't help but think that it would probably be the beginning of the end of our marriage. I can't imagine that me saying fuck it for the moment would be good in the long term for his care/treatment/recovery or our marriage. For example-me letting go of the fact that we're 1/4 of the way through and they have yet to return 3 VMs after I missed 1 of their calls to get "important background information" for his therapist via the nurses certainly would be easier, but would cause 12 years of his life with a significant other to only be addressed from 1 side. I can't help but wonder if there are things that may come out that neither of us knew affected him-just like he mentioned last night that there were things that have come out from his childhood that have had a bigger effect on him than he ever dreamed. He has a captive audience there-and they're willing to help him-so me throwing my hands up and saying I'm letting it go for now doesn't seem to help anyone (them providing treatment, DH making progress).

Last night's conversation with DH was full of tension. I told him that the guy he went out with the night that was the final straw sent me a FB message the other day. He's full of guilt, thinking this was somehow his fault, he's scared and worried. He wants to be supportive now and when DH comes home but doesn't know how. I told him I don't know how, but when I get some guidance I'll let him know. That message broke my heart, I've known this guy for 13 years and I've never seen him like this. DH told me that all this was doing was stressing him out. I'm not sure if it's because he knows how much this has affected others, he doesn't realize how many people want desperately to be supportive, or that he just doesn't want to hear it. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells now, not sure what to tell DH and what I need to stay away from. 

I also fear that letting it go for now is just going to make things harder when he comes home. The way I see it is that if I can ask questions, be guided in the right direction via answers, I'm a little bit better prepared for when he comes home-but I know there's no way I can be 100% prepared. I mean, honestly, one of my questions for the therapist is is there going to be any involvement with MIL since she's in denial-and I need suggestions on how to deal with some of her comments. Or how do I answer the questions from his friend besides stumbling through the answers I did the other day, bullshitting my way through and hoping it was not an off-base thing? And another-since family week is looking more and more like a non-option and the online chat said they "encourage family to be involved through the entire process", what does that look like? Is it simply talking on the phone 3x/wk for 15 minutes each time during their call time or is there an expectation that I am available for conversation during one of the therapy sessions? And if it means that I just keep all the balls in the air at home-then tell me that and I'll let go.

(how's that for a Friday brain dump?)

[flex]

It's okay to temporarily let go of this situation and to see what comes of it.  "Letting go" is not the same thing as "giving up".  

[flex]

Oct 10, 2014 11:27:58 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Brain dumps are good. They're necessary sometimes.

I say this with care: You seem like you're trying very hard to prepare yourself for managing your DH's sobriety. This really is not your responsibly. Some things are good sense, obviously. Ditching booze is probably a good idea. Planning to skip that birthday party at the brewery a week after he gets back -- stuff like that.

But your MIL's denial is not your place to manage.

I am a classic codependent, so I truly get it. Until recently, I thought I had a much larger role in DH staying sober than I really did. Until I saw that I had done everything "right" and he still found a way to drink.

I think dealing with the FMLA is important, because that has repercussions for you and your child. But a lot of this other stuff -- friends, family, what happens when he gets home -- he will get some tools to deal with it. It's ok to take a step back. Focus on getting a breather this weekend for yourself.

SO THIS!!!

[flex]

And the "brain dumps" are the very reason why this board exists. It's very helpful to share with someone (on this board) who is not emotionally invested in the situation so you can get a clearer picture of what is really going on.

That is why it's so beneficial to have a sponsor.

[arch01]

Oct 10, 2014 11:27:58 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Brain dumps are good. They're necessary sometimes.

I say this with care: You seem like you're trying very hard to prepare yourself for managing your DH's sobriety. This really is not your responsibly. Some things are good sense, obviously. Ditching booze is probably a good idea. Planning to skip that birthday party at the brewery a week after he gets back -- stuff like that.

But your MIL's denial is not your place to manage.

I am a classic codependent, so I truly get it. Until recently, I thought I had a much larger role in DH staying sober than I really did. Until I saw that I had done everything "right" and he still found a way to drink.

I think dealing with the FMLA is important, because that has repercussions for you and your child. But a lot of this other stuff -- friends, family, what happens when he gets home -- he will get some tools to deal with it. It's ok to take a step back. Focus on getting a breather this weekend for yourself.

I am trying very hard to do something, but I'm not even sure what at this point. Maybe it is managing his sobriety, but I know deep down I can't do that. But maybe the knowing that isn't stopping me, if that makes sense. I can't stop him from stopping at the convenience store and picking up a 6 pack on the way home. But if this time is no different than previous times when he's attempted to quit (and failed)-I'm trying to figure out how to respond to the "I really want a beer" comments. I know they will come. I think some of my thought process is that if I happen to be there, I will be able to say the right thing to encourage him not to-something he's learned but needs a reminder of-but again, deep down, I know that if he wants it that badly he'll probably do it. And maybe it's that I know this, but haven't accepted it. I don't know.

And MIL-any words of wisdom on what to tell her? I seriously wanted to lose it the other day when she said that she simply didn't understand why he didn't "just stop". These are things she'd never in a million years tell DH, but she's telling me. I don't know how to respond except that this is bigger than him and he's getting help for it. And maybe that's enough-but I want someone to tell me that. And that someone is one of the people providing DH's care so there's a consistent message. Maybe that's where I'm failing too.

People are coming to me looking for answers, and I don't have any. I'm going to lunch with DH's friend next week to talk. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle and I'm looking for suggestions on how to answer these questions and I attempt to ask but get no response. 

The "classic codependent" is something that hasn't crossed my mind before. Thanks for pointing that out, it's a really good point.

flex-I can't help but feel that the temporary letting go is the beginning of the giving up. I really struggle with that.

Tomorrow's my birthday and DH said he's trying to get his call schedule rearranged so he can call me on my birthday. After last night's conversation, I don't know that I'll have much to say. I'm almost hoping that he calls Sunday as scheduled.

[flex]

Oct 10, 2014 12:54:56 GMT -5 arch01 said:

Oct 10, 2014 11:27:58 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Brain dumps are good. They're necessary sometimes.

I say this with care: You seem like you're trying very hard to prepare yourself for managing your DH's sobriety. This really is not your responsibly. Some things are good sense, obviously. Ditching booze is probably a good idea. Planning to skip that birthday party at the brewery a week after he gets back -- stuff like that.

But your MIL's denial is not your place to manage.

I am a classic codependent, so I truly get it. Until recently, I thought I had a much larger role in DH staying sober than I really did. Until I saw that I had done everything "right" and he still found a way to drink.

I think dealing with the FMLA is important, because that has repercussions for you and your child. But a lot of this other stuff -- friends, family, what happens when he gets home -- he will get some tools to deal with it. It's ok to take a step back. Focus on getting a breather this weekend for yourself.

I am trying very hard to do something, but I'm not even sure what at this point. Maybe it is managing his sobriety, but I know deep down I can't do that. But maybe the knowing that isn't stopping me, if that makes sense. I can't stop him from stopping at the convenience store and picking up a 6 pack on the way home. But if this time is no different than previous times when he's attempted to quit (and failed)-I'm trying to figure out how to respond to the "I really want a beer" comments. I know they will come. I think some of my thought process is that if I happen to be there, I will be able to say the right thing to encourage him not to-something he's learned but needs a reminder of-but again, deep down, I know that if he wants it that badly he'll probably do it. And maybe it's that I know this, but haven't accepted it. I don't know.

And MIL-any words of wisdom on what to tell her? I seriously wanted to lose it the other day when she said that she simply didn't understand why he didn't "just stop". These are things she'd never in a million years tell DH, but she's telling me. I don't know how to respond except that this is bigger than him and he's getting help for it. And maybe that's enough-but I want someone to tell me that. And that someone is one of the people providing DH's care so there's a consistent message. Maybe that's where I'm failing too.

People are coming to me looking for answers, and I don't have any. I'm going to lunch with DH's friend next week to talk. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle and I'm looking for suggestions on how to answer these questions and I attempt to ask but get no response. 

The "classic codependent" is something that hasn't crossed my mind before. Thanks for pointing that out, it's a really good point.

flex-I can't help but feel that the temporary letting go is the beginning of the giving up. I really struggle with that.

Tomorrow's my birthday and DH said he's trying to get his call schedule rearranged so he can call me on my birthday. After last night's conversation, I don't know that I'll have much to say. I'm almost hoping that he calls Sunday as scheduled.

Tell her he's an addict and he CAN'T "just stop".  This is waaay beyond the scope of his own will power.

I understand that you're struggling against a temporary letting go.  It doesn't come easy and it takes lots of practice.  I always say that it's amazing that "surrendering" meant that I was winning.  : )

[arch01]

Oct 10, 2014 13:02:06 GMT -5 flex said:

Oct 10, 2014 12:54:56 GMT -5 arch01 said:

And MIL-any words of wisdom on what to tell her? I seriously wanted to lose it the other day when she said that she simply didn't understand why he didn't "just stop".

flex-I can't help but feel that the temporary letting go is the beginning of the giving up. I really struggle with that.

Tell her he's an addict and he CAN'T "just stop".  This is waaay beyond the scope of his own will power.

I understand that you're struggling against a temporary letting go.  It doesn't come easy and it takes lots of practice.  I always say that it's amazing that "surrendering" meant that I was winning.  : )

That's basically what I told her, so at least I'm doing something right

[flex]

It's really hard for most "normies" to understand the power of addiction. But I use the example of cigarette smokers with lung cancer or emphysema: the fact that they're still smoking is a form of insanity aka as addiction.

ETA: And if that explanation doesn't work, then I give up because there's simply no way to explain it to a non-addict/alcoholic.

[arch01]

Oct 10, 2014 13:08:57 GMT -5 flex said:

It's really hard for most "normies" to understand the power of addiction. But I use the example of cigarette smokers with lung cancer or emphysema: the fact that they're still smoking is a form of insanity aka as addiction.

If it comes up with MIL again I will use this-thank you. It's perfect. She is still close with one of DH's childhood friend's grandparents (got that? LOL), and the grandfather passed away in January from emphysema after years of chain smoking. She has made comments about that before and I think relates to it a bit better. DH mentioned last night too that he thinks she may be in a bit of denial because some of the things that are coming out in therapy go back to her-and we think she may know that and have some guilt. Obviously all speculation, but it helps me understand it a bit more.

[arch01]

Oct 10, 2014 14:06:41 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

The family program should be able to educate you on the power of addiction. When I was drinking, I thought I was just a really weak person. I was able to care for my family (except at night), keep my house, function at work, etc. The thought that I couldn't "control" my alcohol intake was really baffling. When I learned in AA about addiction as a disease, the light bulb went on. I wasn't a crappy person, I had a disease! 

It's really interesting that you bring this up. DH has struggled with ADD for most of his life and has spent the last 2.5 years in and out of doctor's offices trying to treat the anxiety and depression pieces as a way to help his concentration-basically a theory that if you treat some of the bigger symptoms, others will get better. We had the ah-ha moment this summer when we were talking about his impulse control issues as a symptom of the ADD (some road rage, some other things-never abusive, just things that were identified through conversation after the fact) and the fact that he couldn't have "just one" drink. He definitely has the family line of alcohol issues, but the disease+disorder is a very dangerous combination when it comes to "control". 

And a huge congrats on 7 years. I cannot imagine the struggles, but it's very nice to hear the line about not being able to imagine a scenario where you'd want to pick up again.