He's Not Scary, He's a Little Boy

[summer]

www.huffingtonpost.com/aliceann-meyer/hes-not-scary-hes-a-little-boy_b_5890164.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

We've had some encounters recently that have inspired me to write this post. This is something I hope everyone reads and shares. This is a message that doesn't just pertain to my son Jameson, but to all children who are made fun of and singled out for their differences; and I am pretty sure their parents feel the same way I do.



I want to begin by saying that I don't hold anything against these children, or their parents. I understand that it can be extremely awkward when your child is the one making fun or being mean to another child. But, the next time this happens I hope these parents do more. Because although I cannot take offense, I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt. It does. It hurts to see my child be made fun of, knowing that this will be a big part of his world the rest of his life.



By now you might be wondering what happened to prompt these words. Nothing has happened that hasn't happened before, and sadly that won't happen again. But, for some reason, it has just happened a lot in the last few weeks.



We recently moved to a new town, and our oldest is in 1st grade. The second week of school there was an open house to see the school and meet his teacher. The entire school, K-5th grade, was corralled in the cafeteria to listen to opening remarks and welcomes. As we were walking into the crowded cafeteria we were immediately greeted by a little boy who pointed at Jameson, nudged his mother, and said he looked funny. We paid no mind and continued to walk through the cafeteria looking for a spot to sit down. Shortly after we sat down two little girls and their mother sat across from us. One little girl looked at us, turned to her mother and said "He looks scary," pointing to Jameson. Her mother told her that wasn't nice to say, and turned around.



Last weekend, in the grocery store with my two boys, a mother and her son are walking down the aisle towards us. I see the little boy look up; I smile at him. He starts to laugh, and tells his mom, "Look mom, that baby looks funny," laughing. I look at his mother and she cannot even muster a word, her jaw hanging open.



As a parent I have been in situations where my child has done or said something inappropriate, so I understand the embarrassment. I also understand that these children are not to blame. Think about it, we teach them from birth to single things out. Put a bunch of red blocks together, sneak a green one in, and them tell them to look for the green one, the different one. Sort the shapes that only fit through the right hole. You'll never fit a round peg in a square hole. The round one is wrong. It's OK to notice differences. That's how we identify one thing from another. We teach what is by teaching what isn't. But these are objects. We can single them out and choose the right one, the one that fits in. We can't do this to people; to children.



As a mother of a child who looks different, this is my plea to you:



If you are the parent whose child says another child looks funny or scary, don't simply say, "That isn't a nice thing to say." While you are right, it's not nice, simply saying that and walking away still isolates my child. The next time follow that statement up and tell your child, "I'm sure he's a very nice boy, let's go meet him." Please, come introduce yourself and ask my child's name. I assure you, we don't bite! My child is just like yours; he can be sweet, loving, throw temper tantrums, and be a handful. And I assure you, I am just like you; I am a parent learning my way through this.



If your child is curious and doesn't say anything mean but still notices he looks different, please, introduce yourself to us, ask us our names! Include my child in your world. I promise you, he's not scary, he's just a little boy.



To all the parents and children out there who already practice this, and to those who have purposely made a point to brighten Jameson's day when we have crossed paths: Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I can honestly tell you I can remember vividly each encounter where a stranger has made a conscious effort to want to know Jameson and include him in their world. And I can bet he does too. My 6-year-old amazes me when I hear him recount a memory from when he was 3 years old, so I am sure Jameson remembers the same.



I mean seriously, how mean does this happy face covered in S'mores look?!

[IIOY]

Sept 29, 2014 14:26:21 GMT -5 summer said:

It hurts to see my child be made fun of, knowing that this will be a big part of his world the rest of his life.

::tears::

[elleblue]

I have a friend who has severe cranio-facial deformities (don't want to say anything more specific because this is not a safe place). It breaks my heart when I think of what he's had to live with, people can be so cruel. 

[ijack]

I'm really thankful she put some language in there to help me guide my kids when it happens. I know what my kids shouldn't be saying, but I don't always have a good grasp on what I should be saying.

[elleblue]

Sept 29, 2014 14:44:17 GMT -5 ijack said:

I'm really thankful she put some language in there to help me guide my kids when it happens. I know what my kids shouldn't be saying, but I don't always have a good grasp on what I should be saying.

I agree. As adults we are prone to pretending not to notice such differences, so when kids are bluntly truthful, it can feel acutely embarrassing. Addressing their natural curiosity in a healthy and respectful way is very important imho. 

Also, thanks in part to my above mentioned friend, I make an effort not to quickly look away when I encounter someone obviously disabled/different. Not that I mean that I stare or anything, but I don't immediately avert my gaze and usually offer up a small half smile if that makes any sense. I'm probably explaining things terribly, but it's isolating when people around you pretend you're not there. 

[ijack]

Sept 29, 2014 14:52:36 GMT -5 elleblue said:

Sept 29, 2014 14:44:17 GMT -5 ijack said:

I'm really thankful she put some language in there to help me guide my kids when it happens. I know what my kids shouldn't be saying, but I don't always have a good grasp on what I should be saying.

I agree. As adults we are prone to pretending not to notice such differences, so when kids are bluntly truthful, it can feel acutely embarrassing. Addressing their natural curiosity in a healthy and respectful way is very important imho. 

Also, thanks in part to my above mentioned friend, I make an effort not to quickly look away when I encounter someone obviously disabled/different. Not that I mean that I stare or anything, but I don't immediately avert my gaze and usually offer up a small half smile if that makes any sense. I'm probably explaining things terribly, but it's isolating when people around you pretend you're not there. 

this comes up when we discuss race too. Because I know I'm not supposed to teach them to ignore race, but at the same time it's so uncomfortable for me to talk about because when I talk about it it feels like I'm bringing too much attention to it. Being a parent is hard yo.

[borinquen57]

Sept 29, 2014 14:44:17 GMT -5 ijack said:

I'm really thankful she put some language in there to help me guide my kids when it happens. I know what my kids shouldn't be saying, but I don't always have a good grasp on what I should be saying.

Me too! DD is starting to notice and ask about differences, so I'm glad to know how to approach things in the future. 

[elleblue]

I'm sorry that happened asdfjkl. Fwiw, it's not shocking that K wasn't having any of your explanations and just couldn't handle it in that moment. He's still pretty young. But that doesn't mean he won't get it in the future. 

[readyin07]

Sept 29, 2014 16:01:41 GMT -5 elleblue said:

I'm sorry that happened asdfjkl. Fwiw, it's not shocking that K wasn't having any of your explanations and just couldn't handle it in that moment. He's still pretty young. But that doesn't mean he won't get it in the future. 

This so heartbreaking for everybody involved. Of course your 3year old doesn't process that. You can only do the right things and hope it will soak in when he is old enough. Life is so freaking hard and unfair sometimes.

[Michelle]

Sept 29, 2014 16:01:41 GMT -5 elleblue said:

I'm sorry that happened asdfjkl. Fwiw, it's not shocking that K wasn't having any of your explanations and just couldn't handle it in that moment. He's still pretty young. But that doesn't mean he won't get it in the future. 

this. And I think if we proactively prepare our kids for the fact there are people out there who are smart, funny, good nice people who look different or even what we see in stories to be scary, it helps. I knew my daughter would encounter my armless aunt at some point. A friend in a wheel chair, an acquaintance who is a little person and my sister who is slow. So I have read her books about how we look different but are the same. I proactively ask if she notices a handicapped space and what it means so we. An talk about people whose legs don't work. I was worried about her seeing that movie about the girl whose arm is bitten off by a shark but I covered her eyes for the scary part and she focused on the rehab part. So when she met my aunt, her reaction wasn't to ask if she was a mean pirate like i did; she asked if she has always had one arm and when told no she said, at age 6, "oh. I bet that was really hard for you." She also recently reached out to a child with Down's at King's Island so later he felt comfortable asking if he could ride a kid ride with her that parents couldn't go on.

I also don't force her. SBP you reall couldn't do something else except maybe talk to your son after he felt safe and away from the other child. When DD was a baby she didn't notice my friend with ALS and his differences, but as she got older his repirator tube and machine as well as his skeletal frame scared her and she asked if he was a robot. I showed her pictures from when he could play basketball and such and explained his body stopped working so well so he needs machines to help but his heart and thoughts were still the same. She was not comfortable sticking her finger in his nose like she did as a toddler (thank God actually) but at least she would talk to him with shyness, not fear.

Essentially, I think the best one can do for kids like the one in this article is increase your child's awareness of differences and acceptance of them. And hope a lot for the best.

[rootbeerfloat]

There's a boy at DD's preschool with a deformity in his hands. She mentioned one day that his fingers were "stuck together." I asked if he got a lot of attention, and she said yes... but it didn't sound like it was in a negative way. One day he was nearby when I picked her up, and she loudly pointed his hands out to me; I felt awkward, but I don't think they were.

[readyin07]

Always welcome book suggestions on this topic particularly for little kids.

[SallyJ]

Sept 29, 2014 16:28:43 GMT -5 Michelle said:

Sept 29, 2014 16:01:41 GMT -5 elleblue said:

I'm sorry that happened asdfjkl. Fwiw, it's not shocking that K wasn't having any of your explanations and just couldn't handle it in that moment. He's still pretty young. But that doesn't mean he won't get it in the future. 

this. And I think if we proactively prepare our kids for the fact there are people out there who are smart, funny, good nice people who look different or even what we see in stories to be scary, it helps. I knew my daughter would encounter my armless aunt at some point. A friend in a wheel chair, an acquaintance who is a little person and my sister who is slow. So I have read her books about how we look different but are the same. I proactively ask if she notices a handicapped space and what it means so we. An talk about people whose legs don't work. I was worried about her seeing that movie about the girl whose arm is bitten off by a shark but I covered her eyes for the scary part and she focused on the rehab part. So when she met my aunt, her reaction wasn't to ask if she was a mean pirate like i did; she asked if she has always had one arm and when told no she said, at age 6, "oh. I bet that was really hard for you." She also recently reached out to a child with Down's at King's Island so later he felt comfortable asking if he could ride a kid ride with her that parents couldn't go on.

I also don't force her. SBP you reall couldn't do something else except maybe talk to your son after he felt safe and away from the other child. When DD was a baby she didn't notice my friend with ALS and his differences, but as she got older his repirator tube and machine as well as his skeletal frame scared her and she asked if he was a robot. I showed her pictures from when he could play basketball and such and explained his body stopped working so well so he needs machines to help but his heart and thoughts were still the same. She was not comfortable sticking her finger in his nose like she did as a toddler (thank God actually) but at least she would talk to him with shyness, not fear.

Essentially, I think the best one can do for kids like the one in this article is increase your child's awareness of differences and acceptance of them. And hope a lot for the best.

I'd love to know which books you recommend!

[readyin07]

Sept 29, 2014 16:53:18 GMT -5 SallyJ said:

Sept 29, 2014 16:28:43 GMT -5 Michelle said:

this. And I think if we proactively prepare our kids for the fact there are people out there who are smart, funny, good nice people who look different or even what we see in stories to be scary, it helps. I knew my daughter would encounter my armless aunt at some point. A friend in a wheel chair, an acquaintance who is a little person and my sister who is slow. So I have read her books about how we look different but are the same. I proactively ask if she notices a handicapped space and what it means so we. An talk about people whose legs don't work. I was worried about her seeing that movie about the girl whose arm is bitten off by a shark but I covered her eyes for the scary part and she focused on the rehab part. So when she met my aunt, her reaction wasn't to ask if she was a mean pirate like i did; she asked if she has always had one arm and when told no she said, at age 6, "oh. I bet that was really hard for you." She also recently reached out to a child with Down's at King's Island so later he felt comfortable asking if he could ride a kid ride with her that parents couldn't go on.

I also don't force her. SBP you reall couldn't do something else except maybe talk to your son after he felt safe and away from the other child. When DD was a baby she didn't notice my friend with ALS and his differences, but as she got older his repirator tube and machine as well as his skeletal frame scared her and she asked if he was a robot. I showed her pictures from when he could play basketball and such and explained his body stopped working so well so he needs machines to help but his heart and thoughts were still the same. She was not comfortable sticking her finger in his nose like she did as a toddler (thank God actually) but at least she would talk to him with shyness, not fear.

Essentially, I think the best one can do for kids like the one in this article is increase your child's awareness of differences and acceptance of them. And hope a lot for the best.

I'd love to know which books you recommend!

Disclaimer: I haven't read any of these personally, but was googling after reading this and found this list which is more on racial diversity. Still looking for others. www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/981657/10-childrens-books-that-teach-diversity

[anonymous]

Thank you for posting this. I will do this when we inevitably find ourselves in this situation