Experiences with inpatient/residential?

[arch01]

I will fully admit I am Type A, like to be in control, like to know what's going on. So this whole experience is a struggle because I feel like I know NOTHING. I know it's not about me, but I also am trying to figure out what my next steps are.

I have access to DH's case manager, who is currently dropping the ball on the FMLA paperwork. It was to be at DH's HR office on Thursday at lunch but isn't there yet. I also received a call from the therapist, just as a "Hey, my name is so-and-so, here's my number."

In my mind, I envisioned at least a little bit of outreach to me as a spouse explaining a bit more of the process, what I could expect, etc. I got the surprise call on Friday, which completely caught me off guard, and I was told originally it'd be a week until I could speak to him. I missed a call Friday night from the nurse asking for background info, and my efforts so far haven't been successful to get them the info. 

I KNOW I won't know everything-but at this point, I don't even know where the hell he is. The nurse mentioned something to MIL on the phone Friday night that DH might be moved out of detox Saturday, but I don't know how true that is/was. He will be moved to another facility after 1-3 weeks, but I don't know what that means. 

Someone please tell me if I'm unreasonable to want to know a bit about the process-and if I'm unreasonable to expect them to be a bit more open with the info. I feel like as a spouse, I need to know a bit of what's going on so I can be a better support system for when he comes home and understand everything a bit more. I know I'm only 1 week in out of 6, but I feel lost as to what my role is in this. Is this supposed to be 100% on me? 

[btay]

Right now your job is to focus on you while he focuses on him. Through the process he will work with his counselors to work on communicating with you directly his needs and wants. It is so hard to let go of the control because we have been trying to control the addict for so long, but this is time to really work on letting go. Find an Al Anon meeting and start going, do all those things you wanted to do before that you were unable because you were playing caregiver. If you have concerns you can always reach out to his counselor but honestly I would let him do all the reaching out.

[arch01]

Oct 6, 2014 19:30:23 GMT -5 btay said:

Right now your job is to focus on you while he focuses on him. Through the process he will work with his counselors to work on communicating with you directly his needs and wants. It is so hard to let go of the control because we have been trying to control the addict for so long, but this is time to really work on letting go. Find an Al Anon meeting and start going, do all those things you wanted to do before that you were unable because you were playing caregiver. If you have concerns you can always reach out to his counselor but honestly I would let him do all the reaching out.

This is the part I really struggle with, especially since I had NO clue what was going on. I had no clue that he was stopping after work to drink, etc. The downfall of the opposite schedules. 

I have a former CW who offered to go to an Al Anon meeting with me, I'm trying to figure something out on top of childcare. I have a bit of concern about going to Al Anon though and discussing things that are not part of what he's being armed with in treatment, but that could be all crap I've made up in my head too.

[flex]

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Let go of any preconceived ideas of what you have and go. I think it's great your friend has offered to go with you. Please take them up on the offer.

[arch01]

Oct 6, 2014 19:56:25 GMT -5 flex said:

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Let go of any preconceived ideas of what you have and go. I think it's great your friend has offered to go with you. Please take them up on the offer.

How long are meetings? I just looked at the website and the closest one is about 25 minutes away from me and right at DS' bedtime, so I guess I need to figure out a sitter. 

[btay]

Oct 6, 2014 20:05:51 GMT -5 arch01 said:

Oct 6, 2014 19:56:25 GMT -5 flex said:

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Let go of any preconceived ideas of what you have and go. I think it's great your friend has offered to go with you. Please take them up on the offer.

How long are meetings? I just looked at the website and the closest one is about 25 minutes away from me and right at DS' bedtime, so I guess I need to figure out a sitter. 

Most of them last about an hour. Definitely take your friend up on the offer

[btay]

Al anon is about you and not him so don't worry about what his program is doing and focus on what Al Anon is going to do for you. You can't control him but you can control you. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest. You will feel a million lbs lighter

[flex]

Oct 6, 2014 20:05:51 GMT -5 arch01 said:

Oct 6, 2014 19:56:25 GMT -5 flex said:

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Let go of any preconceived ideas of what you have and go. I think it's great your friend has offered to go with you. Please take them up on the offer.

How long are meetings? I just looked at the website and the closest one is about 25 minutes away from me and right at DS' bedtime, so I guess I need to figure out a sitter. 

Typically an hour.

[Deleted]

Oct 6, 2014 19:46:26 GMT -5 arch01 said:

Oct 6, 2014 19:30:23 GMT -5 btay said:

I have a bit of concern about going to Al Anon though and discussing things that are not part of what he's being armed with in treatment, but that could be all crap I've made up in my head too.

One other thing, you could go and just listen.  Rather than worry about what you might talk about, plan to listen and see if you can identify with the others present. 

[Noblegirl]

Will your friend who offered to go with you be willing to watch your DS instead? If she/he has kids you could always trade off so she can go another time.

[arch01]

Oct 7, 2014 7:57:33 GMT -5 Noblegirl said:

Will your friend who offered to go with you be willing to watch your DS instead? If she/he has kids you could always trade off so she can go another time.

Possibly, there's an idea. Thank you. Her kids are grown but her grandson and my son are reasonably close in age. I also found a meeting that's reasonably close to my office, so I may try that one as well and go at lunchtime.

I sent an email to the case manager last night expressing my frustrations and he replied this morning saying he forwarded it to the therapist. The therapist called and I reiterated the fact that I can't know what to do/how to educate myself/how to be supportive/how to take care of myself in all of this unless someone can inform me a bit on the process. She agreed that being in the dark is not productive for anyone and admits that I have been kept in the dark, and I responded that while DH seems to be doing well, a family cannot move forward without some sort of guidance. And that guidance can't be just winging it and hoping for the best. She finally told me that she's my point of contact, not the case manager, and again I told her that I couldn't have possibly known that without someone actually telling me something. So all along I've been asking questions to the case manager but no one has said that that's not the person to direct questions to. I talked to a CW who used to work in the town that DH is in and happened to work in a treatment facility and she validated some of my concerns about the lack of info, and gave me some ways to ask some pointed questions that aren't unreasonable.

I asked her a ton of questions about the process (how are they dealing with the fact that DH is an atheist? What am I supposed to be doing-attending Al Anon? What does my contact with him moving forward look like? Why has no one informed me that there's a family program and I had to find that out on my own? What other options are there for families? Am I going to need to be available for any of his therapy sessions?). I got some answers, but not a lot. She said it's probably a good idea to try an Al Anon meeting, but it's not required. If I decide to go, go and then contact her with my thoughts after.

I'm going to try to go tomorrow to a meeting, and make a list of questions to ask again. Turns out MIL had the info wrong, he wasn't moved anywhere, he's just done with detox. I get to talk to him tonight, which was also an unknown, but I am glad that I got that info out of the therapist because the time he was to call is when I'll be at work and not around my phone, so we set up another time.  

[pinkdutchtulips]

I 2nd meetings close to the office ... my home meeting for al-anon meets weds at noon RIGHT across the street from my office. I swear it was a godsend.

I realized there that my minor type A personality came out w/ stbxh's addictive personality - I wanted to control everything so badly bc he wouldn't/couldn't that I drove myself crazy and ended up worn out and emotionally exhausted. al-anon helped break me of that habit and I became 100x happier. my first few al-anon meetings I did ALOT of listening ... I think I was a month in before I did my first share. take your time.

when stbxh entered detox and rehab, I found this out from his brother as we had already been separated 3-4 months at that time. I didn't speak to him until his bday mid Feb and I would NOT let dd see him until I spoke w/ his therapist about his progress (or lack of progress). I made my recovery MY priority and left him to make his recovery HIS priority.

[Deleted]

Wow, I hope you get some answers soon. You sound like you are on overdrive.

Attend an Al-Anon meeting or two, no matter how you get there. I second Noblegirl 's suggestion that you trade off babysitting with your friend who attends Al-Anon.

As you said, you are only in week 1 of six weeks of treatment. You don't have to have answers to everything right now. Focus on your DS and yourself. Enjoy the fact that your DH is cared for and safe. You don't have to worry if he is drinking and driving. Try and have a little trust that you'll be included and educated as the process unfolds.

((hugs))

[arch01]

Oct 8, 2014 0:37:43 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Wow, I hope you get some answers soon. You sound like you are on overdrive.

Attend an Al-Anon meeting or two, no matter how you get there. I second Noblegirl 's suggestion that you trade off babysitting with your friend who attends Al-Anon.

As you said, you are only in week 1 of six weeks of treatment. You don't have to have answers to everything right now. Focus on your DS and yourself. Enjoy the fact that your DH is cared for and safe. You don't have to worry if he is drinking and driving. Try and have a little trust that you'll be included and educated as the process unfolds.

((hugs))

I'm going at lunch today, there's only 2 offered during the workday that I have a chance of making, so it's either today or Monday. I'm going today so I can use it as another chance to talk to the therapist tomorrow. I talked to DH last night and he said he's experienced the same thing with questions not being answered and having to ask multiple people.

It's really hard to have trust in all of this when I was promised FMLA paperwork would be done Thursday and it wasn't; then promised it'd be done yesterday and it wasn't. The nurses have yet to return 2 voicemails (Friday and Monday) so I can get the background info done-and the therapist said she'd get someone on it yesterday. Nothing. That on top of the non-answers...even if the response I get is that we'll discuss that in a few weeks-GREAT. At least that's something. 

[Deleted]

Oct 8, 2014 5:54:27 GMT -5 arch01 said:

Oct 8, 2014 0:37:43 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Wow, I hope you get some answers soon. You sound like you are on overdrive.

Attend an Al-Anon meeting or two, no matter how you get there. I second Noblegirl 's suggestion that you trade off babysitting with your friend who attends Al-Anon.

As you said, you are only in week 1 of six weeks of treatment. You don't have to have answers to everything right now. Focus on your DS and yourself. Enjoy the fact that your DH is cared for and safe. You don't have to worry if he is drinking and driving. Try and have a little trust that you'll be included and educated as the process unfolds.

((hugs))

I'm going at lunch today, there's only 2 offered during the workday that I have a chance of making, so it's either today or Monday. I'm going today so I can use it as another chance to talk to the therapist tomorrow. I talked to DH last night and he said he's experienced the same thing with questions not being answered and having to ask multiple people.

It's really hard to have trust in all of this when I was promised FMLA paperwork would be done Thursday and it wasn't; then promised it'd be done yesterday and it wasn't. The nurses have yet to return 2 voicemails (Friday and Monday) so I can get the background info done-and the therapist said she'd get someone on it yesterday. Nothing. That on top of the non-answers...even if the response I get is that we'll discuss that in a few weeks-GREAT. At least that's something. 

I hope you'll get the FMLA finalized.  That's really important right now.  Glad you'll be able to squeeze in a meeting at lunch.  How I wish that was something I could do. 

Best thoughts to you.  Remember - one day at a time!  Sounds trite, but it will help you focus on what you need to do today.  Report back!  ((hugs))

[arch01]

Oct 8, 2014 9:34:15 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Oct 8, 2014 5:54:27 GMT -5 arch01 said:

I'm going at lunch today, there's only 2 offered during the workday that I have a chance of making, so it's either today or Monday. I'm going today so I can use it as another chance to talk to the therapist tomorrow. I talked to DH last night and he said he's experienced the same thing with questions not being answered and having to ask multiple people.

It's really hard to have trust in all of this when I was promised FMLA paperwork would be done Thursday and it wasn't; then promised it'd be done yesterday and it wasn't. The nurses have yet to return 2 voicemails (Friday and Monday) so I can get the background info done-and the therapist said she'd get someone on it yesterday. Nothing. That on top of the non-answers...even if the response I get is that we'll discuss that in a few weeks-GREAT. At least that's something. 

I hope you'll get the FMLA finalized.  That's really important right now.  Glad you'll be able to squeeze in a meeting at lunch.  How I wish that was something I could do. 

Best thoughts to you.  Remember - one day at a time!  Sounds trite, but it will help you focus on what you need to do today.  Report back!  ((hugs))

I also found online meetings-there's one at night after the wee one goes to bed, so I'm going to try that as well. 

I'm trying not to stress about the paperwork, but we're over half way through the window that's required by law to get it submitted. I felt bad mentioning it to DH last night, but I asked if he could please go see the case manager and see where it was in the process. DH's HR person also has it on her radar if it's not in by Friday. I'd love to get a couple things crossed off my list-this, the background questioning...and continue moving forward.

[malibu]

I don't know what to tell you on the FMLA part. My stupid H (we're not getting along, obviously) quit his job so there was no work to worry about, just me getting all the insurance crap taken care of - switching him to mine.

I don't recall getting a lot of details about his progress from his care team, just what he would tell me when he'd call in the evenings. I did hear from his counselor a few times, but nothing was discussed about where he was at, just more to find out details relating to his addiction and depression and my experiences with him.

Does the facility have a family program? I feel like a broken record, but if you can, do whatever possible to attend. Understanding how addiction works and how to take care of YOU and your DS is incredibly helpful and you'll get some valuable information.

[arch01]

Oct 8, 2014 13:44:52 GMT -5 malibu said:

I don't know what to tell you on the FMLA part. My stupid H (we're not getting along, obviously) quit his job so there was no work to worry about, just me getting all the insurance crap taken care of - switching him to mine.

I don't recall getting a lot of details about his progress from his care team, just what he would tell me when he'd call in the evenings. I did hear from his counselor a few times, but nothing was discussed about where he was at, just more to find out details relating to his addiction and depression and my experiences with him.

Does the facility have a family program? I feel like a broken record, but if you can, do whatever possible to attend. Understanding how addiction works and how to take care of YOU and your DS is incredibly helpful and you'll get some valuable information.

They have a family program that's a week long. I don't know when it is and when I asked yesterday the therapist wouldn't tell me. I found it on the website. All she said was I'd get a call 1-2 weeks out from someone else. I'm not really sure that logistically it'll work on the childcare end, and I don't trust MIL to keep him for a week. We'll see what happens. One of my questions for the therapist on my next call is what other options are available-I did an online chat yesterday with someone at the facility and they said that they encourage families to be involved throughout the entire process, but no one is saying what that means (the family week, etc.).

I called again about the background info this morning, nothing yet. I'm at the point where it'd be easier to throw my hands up and say screw it, but I know that's not the right answer.