Back from my first meeting

[arch01]

I found a meeting about 10 minutes away from my office and tried it. It was an interesting experience. I could do without some of the stuff at the beginning (though I know it has its importance) so we could all talk more. I got more out of the conversation I had with a lady afterward than I think I got out of the meeting itself, mainly because I think I do better in a conversation setting than a talk once/listen to everyone else setting. 

I have some questions to ask DH now, but need to talk to the therapist first to figure out when the right time is to ask the questions. The first is did I (and if so, how) enable him? The second is did I set unreasonable expectations in any way? I think the answers to these are going to be important moving forward knowing my bad habits and not necessarily being self-aware of what the consequences are of my words/actions (or inaction). I had another but I have forgotten it.

Anywho. I think I'll go back, though I'm not certain that the group dynamic is the best fit. I'm hoping to find a group that fits my age/situation in life (early career, young children) a bit better. I'm not sure that that is going to happen though with the current feasible availability. I'm also going to try an online meeting this week.

[flex]

I would talk to the therapist about your method of enabling: not your DH. Your H may not be able answer how you enabled him, and, quite frankly, he may manipulate you into thinking "you're the one to blame for this"! I think it would be best to reach out to a third party on this issue.

And GOOD FOR YOU for taking that first step to attending a meeting. I encourage you to keep looking into finding a better "fit" for a meeting. There should be lots out there. The online meeting is a good idea too.

[arch01]

Oct 8, 2014 12:51:52 GMT -5 flex said:

I would talk to the therapist about your method of enabling: not your DH. Your H may not be able answer how you enabled him, and, quite frankly, he may manipulate you into thinking "you're the one to blame for this"! I think it would be best to reach out to a third party on this issue.

And GOOD FOR YOU for taking that first step to attending a meeting. I encourage you to keep looking into finding a better "fit" for a meeting. There should be lots out there. The online meeting is a good idea too.

Thanks, I'll ask her about it when I call either later today or tomorrow. I'm not sure he'd go down the manipulating road, mainly because of a lot of conversations regarding his family history, the impulse control and some other things, but it's a very good point. I'm also not sure what I should ask him and shouldn't, and what he can tell me and what he doesn't know (or hasn't realized yet).

[pinkdutchtulips]

good for going !

my al-anon group has quite a mix of people in it and I found that there was a lot to learn from people who were NOT in the same demographic as me (working mom, late 30's) as the experiences we share are virtually identical. ime that's where you get the most is from others' experiences.

I 2nd talking to YOUR therapist, not your h, about enabling. he might not be able to give you a straight answer or even one at all. I know that my xh never looked at me as his enabler. that said though I was - since I was the one who paid for everything while he went on his binge. its easy to do that when 'you' don't have to worry about paying the bills. realizing that, was one of the many tipping points that lead me to separating from him.