S/O - Finding a New Normal and Dealing with Resentment

[SwimDeep]

I don't want this to turn into a "woe is me" pity-party post because this board isn't about "misery loves company." It's about recovery.
I'm learning that, for me, recovery means a fuckton of hard work.

I'm resentful. When my H says things like "I've been a useless lump on the couch," it's hard for me to restrain my agreement. I'm sarcastic and cynical (which isn't new...I just don't care about softening it anymore). It's so hard, I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying "Yes, you've been selfish and hateful, and I'm fucking pissed off at the way you've treated me."

He's agreed to counseling (finally)...so now after five years he's going to make an effort...I have so much resentment stored up and no good way to let it go.
Any advice?

I have my happy face on...maybe I'll grow into it?

[flex]

Swim, forgive me if I've already asked this question: are you in Al-Anon? The reason why I'm asking in AA I make a list of people that I harbor resentments against and why I hold a grudge. Then I sit down with my sponsor and go over it with her. She helps me to see my part in the situation, and then we talk about me and what's going on in my head and heart. Somehow, just talking about it, relieves me of the burden of the resentment(s)--most of it, anyway lol.

I think you need a sponsor in Al-Anon to go through your resentments and hold them up to the light. It's amazing how freeing this process is. ((hugs))

[SwimDeep]

flex - I'm not in al-anon, but I know I should be. Honestly, my H keeps pushing me to go to al-anon meetings and I keep thinking:

• Work (list of 5+ different projects pro-rated by priority)
  
• School (midterms already almost here...haven't read for this week yet...two presentations due!)
  
• Husband (tmi...and that's not all him in the least. The tmi is all about me too, lol)
  
• Counseling (am I even getting anywhere? am I going enough?)
  
• Cat (thyroid problem...still not eating well...need to revisit vet)
• House (holy fuck can we please control the clutter?)
• Personal care (good lord, I need a shower...and when was the last time I worked out. For that matter, when was the last time I felt the sun on my face? When was the last time I saw the stars?)

I know I'm not going through nearly the amount of life that others here are going through, and I'm still screaming for a break.

I know al-anon could help me, but I struggle to make connections with people and I'm finding it very easy to make excuses to avoid going to meetings.

I've found a meeting this Saturday and this Sunday in my area. One is a step meeting and the other is open. Neither are in locations that my H is going to be happy about me going to (they're in the same place where he's gone to AA meetings before, and he's told me they're "rough").

I can't win for losing.

[flex]

Oct 9, 2014 16:01:21 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

flex - I'm not in al-anon, but I know I should be. Honestly, my H keeps pushing me to go to al-anon meetings and I keep thinking:

• Work (list of 5+ different projects pro-rated by priority)
  
• School (midterms already almost here...haven't read for this week yet...two presentations due!)
  
• Husband (tmi...and that's not all him in the least. The tmi is all about me too, lol)
  
• Counseling (am I even getting anywhere? am I going enough?)
  
• Cat (thyroid problem...still not eating well...need to revisit vet)
• House (holy fuck can we please control the clutter?)
• Personal care (good lord, I need a shower...and when was the last time I worked out. For that matter, when was the last time I felt the sun on my face? When was the last time I saw the stars?)

I know I'm not going through nearly the amount of life that others here are going through, and I'm still screaming for a break.

I know al-anon could help me, but I struggle to make connections with people and I'm finding it very easy to make excuses to avoid going to meetings.

I've found a meeting this Saturday and this Sunday in my area. One is a step meeting and the other is open. Neither are in locations that my H is going to be happy about me going to (they're in the same place where he's gone to AA meetings before, and he's told me they're "rough").

I can't win for losing.

Well PHOOEY on your H determining that the meeting places you want to try aren't to his liking, but he's the one pushing you to go, right?  He needs to take care of his own recovery, and leave you to your recovery.  You're making an effort, and that's great.  

[flex]

BTW, I'm very fond of the word "PHOOEY" these days.

In fact I used it during contract negotiations recently. The Employer has being quite stubborn on a certain subject, and I actually said "phooey" at the bargaining table. My note taker couldn't figure out how to spell it, so she wrote "And flex said 'no' to the Employer's proposal." lol

[SwimDeep]

lol - phooey!

It's just the right amount of "no" mixed with just the right amount of humor.

I've re-read what you wrote above, and I gather that resentment isn't necessarily something that can be dealt with on my own terms? What I mean is, my resentment towards my H is so personal and so deep, I really shouldn't try to handle it by myself?

It makes sense. It's just hard because it's one more thing on my plate. And even if, rationally, I know I need it, emotionally it feels like he's putting it on my plate (on top of everything else).

[flex]

Oct 9, 2014 16:29:50 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

lol - phooey!

It's just the right amount of "no" mixed with just the right amount of humor.

I've re-read what you wrote above, and I gather that resentment isn't necessarily something that can be dealt with on my own terms? What I mean is, my resentment towards my H is so personal and so deep, I really shouldn't try to handle it by myself?

It makes sense. It's just hard because it's one more thing on my plate. And even if, rationally, I know I need it, emotionally it feels like he's putting it on my plate (on top of everything else).

Look at it this way:  you've been wrestling with these deep resentments on your own for some time now.  How's it working for you?  lol  Now is the time to accept help because, I guarantee you, it will be freely given at Al-Anon, just as your H will be given it freely in AA.

[SwimDeep]

flex, what do sponsors get out of it? I've become so defensive of myself that I'm constantly thinking about what other people want from me.

I mean, H's sponsor is wonderful for him. H has grown so much since he's started talking to him.
I just can't help thinking, "Why would anyone want to talk to me like that?"

I'm also very protective of myself right now. I feel like a hermit crab without its shell.

[flex]

Oct 9, 2014 16:55:38 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

flex, what do sponsors get out of it? I've become so defensive of myself that I'm constantly thinking about what other people want from me.

I mean, H's sponsor is wonderful for him. H has grown so much since he's started talking to him.
I just can't help thinking, "Why would anyone want to talk to me like that?"

I'm also very protective of myself right now. I feel like a hermit crab without its shell.

They understand where you are coming from--more so than anyone else on the planet.

Don't you feel good when you help someone out?  Sponsors receive the joy of seeing someone grow and be relieved of the bondage of "self".  

[lexxasaurus]

Sponsors heal themselves in their sponsees. I recall my former sponsor telling me that not only had she been there, but helping me reminded her that there was hope and you could go SO FAR and heal so much. It made her happy to walk with me on my journey like someone had done for her. Is a lovely circle.

And I've found that things like resentments, guilt.. All of those are SO personal that it's not something you can really deal with yourself because you're so tangled up in it. Having an outside perspective and someone who can look at it from a distance, gave me a ton of clarity I didn't have before.

[spedrunner]

i never wanted to "let" people in to help me. I suffer from an ED but it is still very much the same. Until i finally admitted to myself that I really hated myself (not really the others I had resentment towards) did I start accepting and actually recovering and getting better. It is a difficult step and realization, but you OWE it to yourself to be happy and you CAN be

[SwimDeep]

Oct 10, 2014 5:59:03 GMT -5 spedrunner said:

i never wanted to "let" people in to help me. I suffer from an ED but it is still very much the same. Until i finally admitted to myself that I really hated myself (not really the others I had resentment towards) did I start accepting and actually recovering and getting better. It is a difficult step and realization, but you OWE it to yourself to be happy and you CAN be

I just want to say thank you for pointing this out to me. I've flirted with EDs now and again (usually leaning towards anorexia, but never diagnosed), and I think I see it as sort of a punishment to myself. Withholding food from my body makes me feel in control.

When it comes to living, though, it's not like any of us had a choice. We got thrown into this world whether we liked it or not. I've been trying to do my best to live life well, but I'm realizing I have a deeply rooted hatred of my body - my physical being. I find myself wishing I could just be weightless, ethereal, non-physical. But I still want to live.

(Yes, I am in therapy.)

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for reminding me of this. I do feel like I'm equally resentful towards myself as I am towards my H. I might even be more resentful towards myself than towards him, and I've just been lashing out at him in order to avoid other bad coping mechanisms.
Thank you!

[SwimDeep]

flex, lexxasaurus, and @courtneyloves

Thank you so much for sharing about sponsors. I'm not happy at the way I phrased the question, and I hope you didn't read it as me being confrontational or flippant. I've found a lot of hope in your answers and I really appreciate your willingness to share. I've found an al-anon meeting that I'm going to try to start regularly attending, and I'm hoping and praying I'll meet someone who can relate to me and help me overcome myself. I realize now I've got so much I need to talk about.

I do have another question - Do you find it difficult sometimes to build trust with a sponsee/sponsor? I recognize that alcohol is connected to all of my issues in one way or another, but I have some issues that people aren't always comfortable talking about. I'm scared to put myself out there to a potential sponsor and then have her refuse to sponsor me or drop me because I make her uncomfortable.

[flex]

Oct 11, 2014 15:11:47 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

flex, lexxasaurus, and @courtneyloves

Thank you so much for sharing about sponsors. I'm not happy at the way I phrased the question, and I hope you didn't read it as me being confrontational or flippant. I've found a lot of hope in your answers and I really appreciate your willingness to share. I've found an al-anon meeting that I'm going to try to start regularly attending, and I'm hoping and praying I'll meet someone who can relate to me and help me overcome myself. I realize now I've got so much I need to talk about.

I do have another question - Do you find it difficult sometimes to build trust with a sponsee/sponsor? I recognize that alcohol is connected to all of my issues in one way or another, but I have some issues that people aren't always comfortable talking about. I'm scared to put myself out there to a potential sponsor and then have her refuse to sponsor me or drop me because I make her uncomfortable.

I can understand why you'd have concerns about trust and about being accepted for your life experiences.  I've been sober for quite some time now, and it's easy for me to forget how scary it was in my early days of sobriety to ask for help.  ((hugs))

I encourage you to listen to what various women have to say at meetings about their own personal life experiences.  I GUARANTEE that eventually you'll hear someone tell "your" story.  That is the person you want to ask to be your sponsor.  

And based on my own experiences in recovery RARELY am I uncomfortable or put off by someone's life experiences, because chances are I've done the same exact things in my past.  Trust me, your sponsor will understand where you are coming from.

P. S.  You didn't sound flippant at all in your questions about sponsors.  I didn't read it that way at all.  You were being honest and honesty is so important.  ((more hugs))  Don't be afraid to ask questions about anything! 

[SwimDeep]

flex, Thank you so much! I really appreciate it

[lexxasaurus]

Man, I told my sponsor SO much. I'm only 9 months into recovery, I still remember how terrifying the beginning is. I had to go over my whole addiction story and it had abuse of all substances, rape and domestic violence, an abortion, criminal things I'd done... I was freaked out to talk to someone about a past I hadn't totally come to terms with. To my surprise, not only could she relate to more than I had thought she would, she reassured me that it was all okay and we could only go from here. It may take some time to build the trust and talk freely with someone, but you WILL find someone you can share things with, I promise.