Intro

[maddiecakes]

I'm using an AE for this board because I'm nervous about having anything linked to my usual name.  But I'm scared and I don't know what to do. 

After some major marital issues and discussions of divorce, DH confessed to me last December that he had been addicted to pain-killers and heroin for the past 7-8 years.  We'd been married 5 years at the time.  He tried to get clean on his own, unsuccessfully, and started an outpatient program in April.  He's taking suboxone, doing therapy once a week, and seeing a marriage counselor with me every other week.  I also go to individual therapy every other week. 

It's been a bit of a roller coaster and we're still dealing with other deep marriage stuff, but he's been "clean" since then.  He still smokes pot pretty frequently, which he always has and I don't have a problem with, and the program doesn't seem to have a problem with either.  I'll probably be flamed for that, but he has so much he's dealing with and it really helps him relax and sleep a bit better.  It's just not a priority right now, even though he's talking about quitting that as well eventually.  He's also taking an anti-depressant, which we think is helping, and trying different sleeping pills, none of which seem to be helping.

The past few weeks he seems to also be drinking a little bit more than usual.  He was never a big drinker.  Then a few days ago he told me he thinks he needs to go to an inpatient program.  He's struggling.  And this past week he's called me twice over lunch time from a bar.

I think deep down he feels he needs a more intense program, but he's scared to go, and also worried about his job finding out.  He goes back and forth from saying he definitely needs it, to there's no way he could swing being away from everything for that long.

I obviously want to support him as best I can.  Although we are going through a lot, our relationship has actually improved in many ways since he stopped using.  Not sure exactly if I'm looking for advice on anything, I just wanted to be able to talk about it somewhere.  We've only told my parents, and 2 close friends about his addiction.  Our friends that we told have actually seemed to pull away a bit since finding out. 

[flex]

A couple comments:

Smoking pot and drinking is just switching one addiction for another;

and

From my limited knowledge of the American Disabilities Act, his employer cannot punish him for seeking treatment for addictions.

[maddiecakes]

Oct 10, 2014 12:31:14 GMT -5 flex said:

A couple comments:

Smoking pot and drinking is just switching one addiction for another;

and

From my limited knowledge of the American Disabilities Act, his employer cannot punish him for seeking treatment for addictions.

Totally agree.  I never thought of pot as a dangerous addiction, obviously not healthy, but more similar to cigarette smoking than any other kind of drug.  I think the drinking part is what's making him think he needs more intense help.  And being away for 30 days would probably help kick the pot habit too.

I figured he wouldn't be punished but he's worried about people finding out why he's gone and the stigma, gossip, etc. 

[malibu]

Big hugs for you.

[maddiecakes]

Oct 10, 2014 12:34:12 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

So it sounds like he's switched one use for another. How do you feel about his active using? What are your boundaries? What would you do if this was heroin or pain pills.

And giant hugs for you.

I don't know what I would do if it was heroin again.  Insist on inpatient rehab?  Actually, if he wasn't willing at that point to go on his own, I would leave him.

[maddiecakes]

Oct 10, 2014 12:42:34 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Oct 10, 2014 12:40:43 GMT -5 maddiecakes said:

I don't know what I would do if it was heroin again.  Insist on inpatient rehab?  Actually, if he wasn't willing at that point to go on his own, I would leave him.

Why would this answer change for an alcohol problem?

(I hope I'm not sounding flip. Believe me -- I know how fucking hard it is to deal with this shit. I just know that sometimes it helps to have someone help break it down for you .)

Oooooh you are good!

Definitely something I need to think about.  I appreciate the push, because you're right, it does help to have those things prodded by someone outside the situation.

[flex]

I know many recovering addicts IRL, and based on the experiences they have shared with me, if your H continues with the drinking and smoking pot, he'll be back on the heroin eventually.

[arch01]

All I can offer is hugs at this point. DH just went to inpatient 11 days ago. I'm not nearly as experienced as the others on this

I can tell you that DH has the fear of his job knowing exactly what's going on. I know he'll tell them eventually, but I have a feeling they've figured it out. There aren't too many things that would lead to an email saying that he'll be out for 4-6 weeks (it's actually 6 weeks) with no access to phone or voicemail. It is what it is; we (finally) got the FMLA paperwork done so at least we're covered there. There have been questions, I'm sure there are rumors, but there's nothing that can be done about that.

[lexxasaurus]

Oct 10, 2014 12:53:27 GMT -5 flex said:

I know many recovering addicts IRL, and based on the experiences they have shared with me, if your H continues with the drinking and smoking pot, he'll be back on the heroin eventually.

This is what I'm thinking. I swapped one addiction for the other (crystal meth for smoking and drinking which turned into full blown alcoholism which led me back to crystal, etc etc.) I know very few people who struggle with substance abuse that can moderate legal substances any better. At the very least, it usually takes a complete dry period where they aren't consistently in an altered state of mind.

[maddiecakes]

Oct 10, 2014 13:53:47 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Also I question a recovery program that wouldn't have a problem with his pot smoking. Do you know that for certain or is that something DH told you?

He's drug tested by his program monthly, and because he's on suboxone, I do believe he no longer is using pain-killers or heroin.

He's gotten notices from the program that he fails for pot, and the consequence is to attend a certain number of therapy sessions, which he does.  He tells me that they do say they want him to stop, but that he won't get kicked out of the program for it, and he gets the impression from his therapist and psychiatrist that it's not that big a deal, since they brush him off when he asks about the notices we get in the mail (but everything besides the mailed notices is all coming directly from him). 

[flex]

Oct 10, 2014 14:12:05 GMT -5 maddiecakes said:

Oct 10, 2014 13:53:47 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Also I question a recovery program that wouldn't have a problem with his pot smoking. Do you know that for certain or is that something DH told you?

He's drug tested by his program monthly, and because he's on suboxone, I do believe he no longer is using pain-killers or heroin.

He's gotten notices from the program that he fails for pot, and the consequence is to attend a certain number of therapy sessions, which he does.  He tells me that they do say they want him to stop, but that he won't get kicked out of the program for it, and he gets the impression from his therapist and psychiatrist that it's not that big a deal, since they brush him off when he asks about the notices we get in the mail (but everything besides the mailed notices is all coming directly from him). 

I strongly suggest your H go to NA meetings.  Stat.

[btay]

I do not believe for one second that any medical professional would be brushing off pot use in an admitted addict. Honestly I think he is playing you because he isn't truely ready to be clean yet. Get yourself to Al Anon asap and start thinking about your personala previous poster said, he is replacing one substance with another and not actually treating the addiction. ((()))

[pinkdutchtulips]

pot and alcohol are the substitutions for painkillers and heroin - intensive therapy to deal w/ his addictive personality is in order.

I rode on this crazy train w/ xh when he had WLS and he replaced his food addiction with other addictions (painkillers, alcohol and the straw that broke the camel's back - meth).

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 10, 2014 12:40:43 GMT -5 maddiecakes said:

Oct 10, 2014 12:34:12 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

So it sounds like he's switched one use for another. How do you feel about his active using? What are your boundaries? What would you do if this was heroin or pain pills.

And giant hugs for you.

I don't know what I would do if it was heroin again.  Insist on inpatient rehab?  Actually, if he wasn't willing at that point to go on his own, I would leave him.

if you get to this point .. PM me .... I dealt w/ a meth relapse (after 15 years of sobriety) and ZERO desire for rehab.

eta - he eventually did go to rehab on his own 3 months after I left. w/in 6 wks of leaving rehab (90 day residential program), he relapsed yet again. roughly 3 months later I filed for divorce.

[Deleted]

Oct 13, 2014 12:58:15 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

pot and alcohol are the substitutions for painkillers and heroin - intensive therapy to deal w/ his addictive personality is in order.

I rode on this crazy train w/ xh when he had WLS and he replaced his food addiction with other addictions (painkillers, alcohol and the straw that broke the camel's back - meth).

The crazy train made me think of Ozzy!  Addiction really is a crazy train.